Can a Kiss Ruin Everything?

[432973]

I had a very deep platonic relationship with a girl for a long time. We were always there for each other and open about our lives and feelings since we understood each other very well. Some life events came along and we did not see each other for a while, but we kept in touch and our closeness in many ways developed even more. I helped her through some of her darkest moments such as when her boyfriend was being abusive to her and when her parents divorced. This was done in many ways from offering moral support to paying for a month of online therapy. As time went on, I started to develop romantic feelings for her, especially with the degree of affection that we had and I came to suspect that she had some feelings of her own based on what she was saying to me (ie: that she felt loved when we talked, that she wanted to get my name tattooed on her body). 

Eventually, we did meet again and spent some time together. I didn’t want to just jump right in and express myself but rather wait and see if she was showing any signs of interest. It seemed that this was turning out to be the case. We would hold hands, walk arm in arm, make deep eye contact at each other, etc. So one night after a long walk in the park, I dropped her off at her doorstep and as she lingered there smiling at me, I figured she was ready for a kiss. When I went in for it, she pushed me away. The next day, she said she wasn’t interested in a relationship and didn’t feel comfortable meeting with me again. I told her that I was fine with friendship and convinced her to meet at a cafe. We did, but while she was polite the whole time, she was as cold as ice.  

After I went back to my city, I tried to contact her once or twice just to say hello, but received no reply. A month later, she sent me a brief text saying that she hoped I was well but still felt bad about me trying to kiss her. She did not answer when I asked how she was so I gave her about a month or so of no contact just to let her cool down. Then last week, I wrote her to say that we should talk about all of this and try to resolve the issue. She saw the message almost immediately, but never said a word. To make matters even more painful, I have heard rumors that she has recently moved to my city and it breaks my heart to think that she wouldn’t tell me.

I can’t believe for the life of me that this is happening. Could one attempted kiss really be that traumatic? So much that it could ruin years of close friendship which in some ways was life-saving for both of us? If she isn’t interested in romance, so be it, but is it not natural to move on after some time? I didn’t try to hurt her, touch a private area, or even kiss her in a forceful way. As I said before, I looked very carefully for what I thought were signs that she was ready. I misjudged, but I can’t fathom how this could hurt her so badly that she may never even talk to me again. The only thing that comes to mind is that she may still be recovering from the abuse she once went through with her last boyfriend, but that was about two or three years ago. During her time with this man, she repeatedly walked out the door and then always came back after about a month to forgive and forget. With me, it’s been three and a half months since I went in for a kiss and the ramifications still linger. I know that nobody can speak with full knowledge about a person they’ve never met, but does anyone have some idea what may be going on in all of this?

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you sure she is single? (or was single at the time you kissed her) 

[basil67]

I'm sorry things turned out this way. 

I cannot begin to imagine what's going on in her head right now (thought I suspect it is not "trauma")  but to have this amount of physical and emotional intimacy going on for years without being discussed or acted on earlier was very strange on both of your parts.   It was not platonic, it was not sexual and nor was it romantic.   I guess you were cuddle buddies.  

As a rule of thumb, if you've crossed the touch barrier with another person and continue seeing them, do not let more than one or two meetings go without either escalating or asking them on a date.  Make sure to use the word Date so that they know it's not a dinner with a friend.   

 

 

[432973]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you sure she is single? (or was single at the time you kissed her) 

100% positive

[432973]

42 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry things turned out this way. 

I cannot begin to imagine what's going on in her head right now (thought I suspect it is not "trauma")  but to have this amount of physical and emotional intimacy going on for years without being discussed or acted on earlier was very strange on both of your parts.   It was not platonic, it was not sexual and nor was it romantic.   I guess you were cuddle buddies.  

As a rule of thumb, if you've crossed the touch barrier with another person and continue seeing them, do not let more than one or two meetings go without either escalating or asking them on a date.  Make sure to use the word Date so that they know it's not a dinner with a friend.   

 

 

Thank you for your words. She was in a relationship when we first met and I was very respectful of that. There was some friendly hugging but not much else. It was during our time apart that I developed romantic interest in her. She had moved on to another man, but in our texts and phone calls always said that it was I who understood her most and after they broke up, we continued to get closer in our phone calls. When I saw her again after our separation, it was on our second meeting that I tried to kiss her. I’ve always been aware if her wants and needs and her relationships with others and would be never do anything outright inappropriate which is why I hope this friendship can be salvaged.

Edited February 10 by 432973

[basil67]

Ah, it looks like I misunderstood your first post....I thought you'd been seeing each other face to face for a while.   

50 minutes ago, 432973 said:

When I saw her again after our separation, it was on our second meeting that I tried to kiss her.

All the handholding, walking arm in arm and long eye contact was all in the second time you met, then your timing for a kiss was correct.  

Anyway, you may not have behaved inappropriately, but she certainly did.   When she was with her ex but saying that you understand her more, that was disrespectful to him.   And if she will do this kind of thing to him, she'd do it to you.    And then we have her making all the physical contact without consideration for the messages it may send or that you may end up hurt and confused.....and perhaps embarrassed.

She is not the kind of woman you should want as a girlfriend

Edited February 10 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

Let me get this straight. This lady, while being in a relationship with another guy, gave you signs that she was interested in you romantically, availed herself to your help, stringed you along, walked around with you holding hands, and then, when you tried to kiss her, pushed you away and said she didn’t want a relationship?

In my book, this is classic selfish, manipulative backup-collecting. You gave her a feeling of being adored and appreciated, so she used you to keep that flow coming to boost her confidence. She never intended to be with you in the first place. To her, you were one of those bench players who’s officially on the team but is never called to actually play.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but backup mentality is sadly prevalent in people of both genders. Please try to forget about her. You really don’t want to be with someone who acts so irresponsibly and in such a self-serving manner.

[432973]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Let me get this straight. This lady, while being in a relationship with another guy, gave you signs that she was interested in you romantically, availed herself to your help, stringed you along, walked around with you holding hands, and then, when you tried to kiss her, pushed you away and said she didn’t want a relationship?

In my book, this is classic selfish, manipulative backup-collecting. You gave her a feeling of being adored and appreciated, so she used you to keep that flow coming to boost her confidence. She never intended to be with you in the first place. To her, you were one of those bench players who’s officially on the team but is never called to actually play.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but backup mentality is sadly prevalent in people of both genders. Please try to forget about her. You really don’t want to be with someone who acts so irresponsibly and in such a self-serving manner.

When I first met her, she was in a relationship and we never did anything intimate. But we were both going through hard times in our lives and we were always supporting each other.

Eventually, I had to move away and I did not see her for some time. But we still kept in touch and always helped each other out when needed. At this point, she had moved on to another man - one who was abusive to her. I was once again always there for her, trying to give her as much care as possible. It was at this time, when her relationship was about to fall apart, that she said I understood her the most.

Shortly after her breakup, we started getting closer than ever even though we were still far apart. We were discussing taking vacations together and calling each other “angel.”  Finally, I had the chance to see her again in person. Our first and second days were great. It was on the night of the second meeting that I went for the kiss and she rejected me. 

Although I’m prone to blaming myself, I am beginning to think that I did nothing wrong. She had been giving indications that could have been construed as interest and even if she does not want me, we could maintain the friendship, because she knows I care about her very much. I hope that she comes to realize this. She’s endured a lot of trauma in her life and I’ve always tried to help her and I would help her if she needed it again. At the same time, I do feel more liberated by thinking that I am not to blame.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like she wants you in her fan club, but doesn't actually want to date you. 

I would advise you stay away from this person. 

[rainrhonda]

On 2/10/2025 at 7:21 PM, Gebidozo said:

Let me get this straight. This lady, while being in a relationship with another guy, gave you signs that she was interested in you romantically, availed herself to your help, stringed you along, walked around with you holding hands, and then, when you tried to kiss her, pushed you away and said she didn’t want a relationship?

In my book, this is classic selfish, manipulative backup-collecting. You gave her a feeling of being adored and appreciated, so she used you to keep that flow coming to boost her confidence. She never intended to be with you in the first place. To her, you were one of those bench players who’s officially on the team but is never called to actually play.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but backup mentality is sadly prevalent in people of both genders. Please try to forget about her. You really don’t want to be with someone who acts so irresponsibly and in such a self-serving manner.

This right here. She's not a very good friend to lead you on, by welcoming affection until you kiss her & then basically trying to make you think you're at fault for something. It's different if she's told you before that she only wants friendship. But even then,  it sends you the wrong message by cuddling, etc. And she didn't consider that, it's almost like she doesn't mind being careless with your heart. That's not a good friend, much less a good partner. And she plays with your head while she's seeing other guys, also not cool. Let her go unless you want to keep being strong along. It doesn't sound like she has romantic feelings at all & instead has used you for comfort/affection, knowing she doesn't want more. Don't let this friendship weight you down any longer & try to meet new people.