Limerence is the worst

[uncanny]

I need to get this off my chest. Early 30s here, M. You guys ever had that one person that just seemed so compatible with you, but due to external factors you never became anything and you're left with one pervasive What If in your mind? 

I'm in another country I'd like to move to as a tourist in the near future. I decided to install a dating app, mostly to meet people and chat, although it'd be of course great to find that someone.

Anyway, I happened to match with someone with a profile that pretty much had everything I'm looking for. One of those instances you're taken aback by because of how similar you two seem. To my surprise she was the one to strike up a conversation and try to set up a videocall before we met in person. It goes without saying this doesn't happen often if ever to many people. 

However, I then proceeded to be honest and tell her I'd really like that but that I had to be honest and say I was visiting. She pretty much turned the whole thing down respectfully as it wasn't what she was looking for. She later unmatched me. 

Predictably, now I do feel like an idiot as I could have not said anything and explain everything in person later. The whole thing sounds over the top, I'm aware. But it's one of those moments you could have handled it differently, especially when you just see something even if you've never met. 

Is this that crazy or have you been through something similar?

[basil67]

I’m afraid that waiting to tell her in person would have been even worse, as she would have gone out in a date thinking it was to be a great match,  only then to find out that you weren’t local

[uncanny]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I’m afraid that waiting to tell her in person would have been even worse, as she would have gone out in a date thinking it was to be a great match,  only then to find out that you weren’t local

Maybe, but it would have added a whole new layer of novelty as she would have seen that we were a good match. People often adapt to the circumstances. I don't live here today, but we don't know what the future holds. I'm just disappointed I sort of just let potential things go 

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, uncanny said:

but it would have added a whole new layer of novelty as she would have seen that we were a good match.

Maybe not. 

Maybe it would have been even more frustrating for her that you didn't bother telling her beforehand and thus wasted her time. I would not have been pleased if a guy had not been upfront about the fact he didn't live locally, but got me on a date first. It might not have gone any better than what you envision in your mind here. 

Also, I don't think you could have done anything differently. This wasn't about playing your cards right, so to speak. The fact remains that you don't live there and have no solid plan to relocate. Local women are very unlikely to be interested in hedging bets on such a vague notion of the future. If you are looking for a relationship with a woman there,  you probably won't have any real luck unless and until you are living there or are imminentely moving there. 

Edited February 11 by ExpatInItaly

[ExpatInItaly]

Oops, double-post 

Edited February 11 by ExpatInItaly

[basil67]

46 minutes ago, uncanny said:

Maybe, but it would have added a whole new layer of novelty as she would have seen that we were a good match. People often adapt to the circumstances. I don't live here today, but we don't know what the future holds. I'm just disappointed I sort of just let potential things go 

Given she already refused to see you on the grounds of distance and not knowing what the future holds, you already know that she wasn't up for a LDR with a stranger.   Why not be thankful that waste your money on an expensive dinner and drinks 

[uncanny]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Given she already refused to see you on the grounds of distance and not knowing what the future holds, you already know that she wasn't up for a LDR with a stranger.   Why not be thankful that waste your money on an expensive dinner and drinks 

We wouldn't have gone for expensive things anyway as I know what I'm after. Neither did she seem like she'd enjoy that. I do get your point though. I'd say it's always good to connect and have great conversation with someone without something necessarily happen. I did say that but she clearly didn't agree 

[uncanny]

37 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe not. 

Maybe it would have been even more frustrating for her that you didn't bother telling her beforehand and thus wasted her time. I would not have been pleased if a guy had not been upfront about the fact he didn't live locally, but got me on a date first. It might not have gone any better than what you envision in your mind here. 

Also, I don't think you could have done anything differently. This wasn't about playing your cards right, so to speak. The fact remains that you don't live there and have no solid plan to relocate. Local women are very unlikely to be interested in hedging bets on such a vague notion of the future. If you are looking for a relationship with a woman there,  you probably won't have any real luck unless and until you are living there or are imminentely moving there. 

Indeed. It's still a big bummer as we ultimately don't know what the future holds do we? How often is it we come across people like this? I'd say you can count on one hand throughout a lifetime. I just think it never hurts to give something a chance. At least you'd know it really wouldn't work out. Sometimes it's scary just how someone seems to tick almost if not every box

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, uncanny said:

How often is it we come across people like this?

Keep in mind, you don't know her. 

Sure, you might know some surface-level things about her but she was still a stranger. I think you're getting a little carried away in imagining what a great match you could have been. In reality, it is also entirely possible that you would not have hit it off in person. 

3 minutes ago, uncanny said:

ometimes it's scary just how someone seems to tick almost if not every box

Again, you have no clue if this is true without ever having spent any time together. 

Try to reel in your imagination here, man. You're losing perspective. 

[Gebidozo]

23 minutes ago, uncanny said:

How often is it we come across people like this?

Like what? You don’t know her at all. You’re completely strangers to each other. You connected over some shared interests or other traits that are nothing but the surface, the outer layer, the initial point of a possibly deeper attraction.

You have no idea what would have happened if you actually began dating. With such unreasonably high expectations, it would have probably been a considerable disappointment.

 

 

[uncanny]

35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Keep in mind, you don't know her. 

Sure, you might know some surface-level things about her but she was still a stranger. I think you're getting a little carried away in imagining what a great match you could have been. In reality, it is also entirely possible that you would not have hit it off in person. 

Again, you have no clue if this is true without ever having spent any time together. 

Try to reel in your imagination here, man. You're losing perspective. 

I get it but it's also my point. Anything is possible. If was not given a chance nonetheless 

[uncanny]

13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Like what? You don’t know her at all. You’re completely strangers to each other. You connected over some shared interests or other traits that are nothing but the surface, the outer layer, the initial point of a possibly deeper attraction.

You have no idea what would have happened if you actually began dating. With such unreasonably high expectations, it would have probably been a considerable disappointment.

 

 

It could have been a disappointment. But that's what it's about, taking the shot. Shared interests and values don't say the whole picture, but does anything do? You gotta start somewhere. Otherwise we'd all just be numb to any potentially positive outcome and go for anything.

[basil67]

Have you considered that she may not have been as excited about you as you were about her?   Sometimes it happens that we we get talking with someone face to face (either romantic or friends) and one thinks that it was terrific connection while the other doesn't care to follow it up.   It's certainly happened to me

Positive thinking is a good trait for you to have, but it must be balanced with an understanding that others may not feel the same

Edited February 11 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, uncanny said:

I get it but it's also my point. Anything is possible. If was not given a chance nonetheless 

Yes, but you seemed pretty convinced she was perfect for you without even knowing her. She wasn't open to giving it a chance so she is clearly not right for you, or she'd have shared your views on going ahead with a meet-up. 

 

 

[Foxhall]

6 hours ago, uncanny said:

However, I then proceeded to be honest and tell her I'd really like that but that I had to be honest and say I was visiting.

Yes I think you were too honest here,

the old saying "honesty is the best policy" this may be correct in some walks of life, however there are occasions when it is better to be "smart" "than honest"

Personally I lost the love of my life (for now) through being too honest. When she landed back I did the noble and honest act of saying I was in a relationship and felt could not leave that person. What I should have done was kept seeing the both of them for a number of months and then made a proper decision based on what was right for me. No doubt I would be married now to my true love if had taken the more underhand course of action,

Being too honest can lead to missed opportunities my friend,  anyway you have not even met the person so its not something you should dwell on for too long but I think there is a message to take from it.

I guess we learn the lessons.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Yes I think you were too honest here,

the old saying "honesty is the best policy" this may be correct in some walks of life, however there are occasions when it is better to be "smart" "than honest"

It's not smart to withhold important information from someone (ie. that he is tourist) just to get what you want (a date)

 

[BaileyB]

Just another person chiming in today - you did the right thing by telling her that you were not local. She shut it down, which means that she would not have reacted more favorably if you would have waited to tell her in person.

What’s more - you have convinced yourself that this woman you have never met is “the one.” Anyone who has ever used online dating knows that’s little more than a total fantasy at this point - 

[uncanny]

40 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Just another person chiming in today - you did the right thing by telling her that you were not local. She shut it down, which means that she would not have reacted more favorably if you would have waited to tell her in person.

What’s more - you have convinced yourself that this woman you have never met is “the one.” Anyone who has ever used online dating knows that’s little more than a total fantasy at this point - 

I've used dating apps on and off for a good while since my early 20s in different countries (some I lived in for years) and cities. I've never had a profile that aligned with what I prioritize and looking for as much as this one. I've also never had someone try to arrange a videocall and date this swiftly. I don't think it's healthy to go around thinking everything means nothing and there's no point in trying. Otherwise why even get excited about anything?

[uncanny]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's not smart to withhold important information from someone (ie. that he is tourist) just to get what you want (a date)

 

We all hold important info up to a point. I feel it's important to know for what purpose and what our intentions really are. My intentions clearly come from a good place. Yes, she could have felt I wasted her time. That's not the end of the world. Or she also could have felt differently if we were to have connected enough for her to give in. I have my preferences like everyone, but I don't think being inflexible on things is a good thing sometimes. It's so damn hard for all of us to relate and connect to someone else. To just let it slide as if that's not the case is a missed opportunity in my eyes

[ShyViolet]

15 hours ago, uncanny said:

Predictably, now I do feel like an idiot as I could have not said anything and explain everything in person later. The whole thing sounds over the top, I'm aware. But it's one of those moments you could have handled it differently, especially when you just see something even if you've never met. 

 

So you regret not lying to her?  Withholding this information and misrepesenting yourself would have been dishonest.  Once she found out that you don't actually live there, she probably would have been mad that you were dishonest with her and wasted her time.  You actually think that would have been the right thing to do?

The fact is that you don't live there.  She has a right to know that before dating you.  You say you want to move there, but it is not definite and anything could happen.  Be more respectful of other people's time.  If you need to "trick" someone into going on a date with you by withholding information about yourself, then you're doing something wrong.

[uncanny]

27 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

So you regret not lying to her?  Withholding this information and misrepesenting yourself would have been dishonest.  Once she found out that you don't actually live there, she probably would have been mad that you were dishonest with her and wasted her time.  You actually think that would have been the right thing to do?

The fact is that you don't live there.  She has a right to know that before dating you.  You say you want to move there, but it is not definite and anything could happen.  Be more respectful of other people's time.  If you need to "trick" someone into going on a date with you by withholding information about yourself, then you're doing something wrong.

I get your point, but let's be real. If we were to show our true selves good and bad things we wouldn't get anywhere when trying to date. I'm talking about the initial stages when you're trying to get to know someone. I did mess up by not mentioning by potential plans and then let her make up her mind from there 

[smackie9]

If you want to meter her interest level...she didn't find you all that and a bag of chips, or she would have taken the chance/risk. A little butt hurt over it? sure anyone would be when you have been looking for so long, and everything looked very promising. Unfortunately she didn't feel the same way. Oh well things happen for a reason...love will find you someday.  

[basil67]

Say you'd met her face to face and then disclosed that you were a tourist.  She was annoyed at you for wasting her time but said she'd finish her drink with you.  During that drink, you you found she was even more amazing than you thought....and she then said goodbye forever.   Would this really have been a better outcome for you?  

Because if I were in your shoes, I'd rather take the route of less pain

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, uncanny said:

If we were to show our true selves good and bad things we wouldn't get anywhere when trying to date.

This wasn't about showing the good or bad. 

It simply about you not being a practical candidate in her mind. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It just means there was no point proceeding when you don't even live there, from her point of view. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, uncanny said:

I get your point, but let's be real. If we were to show our true selves good and bad things we wouldn't get anywhere when trying to date. I'm talking about the initial stages when you're trying to get to know someone. I did mess up by not mentioning by potential plans and then let her make up her mind from there 

This is not about showing our true selves, this is about being honest about the basic facts of your life.  If you don't think you owe it to potential dating partners to be honest about the very basic facts about yourself-- age, marital status, general location of where you live, etc. then maybe you shouldn't be dating.  It's disrespectful to misrepresent yourself to potential dating partners and waste their time.