I don't want my husband looking at other naked women, only me.

[DamagedGirl1234]

Hello,

I’m 29yr old female who lost my virginity to rape at 17 by the guy I was dating.
Afterwards he dumped me and told me what happened was my fault.
When I was 23 I was raped by two men I thought were my friends. 

I’m married now and my husband is great but he has a temper and he makes me feel so absolutely defective over my triggers. 
I know they can be irrational but I just have this deep rooted fear of myself and other women being used as sexual objects for men instead of respected as human beings . TV is filled with so much rape, prostitution, strip clubs and nudity.

i start to feel sick. I get knots in my stomach and I get hot and sweaty and just overall panicked.

 Even that consensual scenes. Like, is she really okay with this scene? Or did the producers bully her into it? Does she REALLY want to be naked in front of the ENTIRE male population? Being paraded around for the male gaze? I can tell you I would rather die.

It just feels so degrading… not to mention dangerous.

the sexual act is such a beautiful thing between two people… but when you start adding in lights, camera, action I get goofy.

I don’t want my husband looking at other naked women, only me. I want to be respected and honored. Especially because my first introduction to sex I wasn’t respected or honored. I was used and discarded. I also want him to respect other women.

He agreed to no porn when we got together. During a separation he betrayed that and I was crushed. 
He said never again that he would much rather have me than the internet… so why does he get so mad when I don’t like it on TV either?

 Last night I made a snide comment while we were watching a movie and he was furious. A strip club scene had been playing for about 30 seconds when he playfully says “I’m averting my eyes!” I responded with “are you? Because I’ve been watching you and no you haven’t.” He hands me the remote and tells me to fast forward it. After he yelled and screamed at me for shaming him in his own home. I stayed calm and tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t let up. I tried to explain my traumas and what I was feeling and he blamed me for never speaking up about my rapes. I had a panic attack and he realized he pushed me too far but that doesn’t change this feeling of worthlessness inside. The guilt, shame and pit in my stomach feel as if they will never go away.

we have a very fun and satisfying sex life but I can’t get over this fear of being diminished as just a sexual object or that happening to other women. Being used and discarded. 

I know I’m going to get a lot of the self esteem comments so I’ll just say this: I have a great career, I’m kind and objectively  very attractive, I know this but… no matter how well rounded and put together I am, that doesn’t make me feel safe.

 When you comment, please be respectful especially if you don’t understand the effects rape have on a developing mind. 
I’m not claiming that my feelings are rational but telling me to grow up and get over it, isn’t going to help. it’s just going to make me feel more alienated and defective. I already feel ashamed, please don’t pile on. 
I have deep rooted trauma that follows me through every day. 
 

thank you for your time and I would greatly appreciate any *respectful* advice. 

Edited February 17 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarified title

[DamagedGirl1234]

I want to understand why this is happening to me and how to work through the feelings. 

[Gebidozo]

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Your reaction is understandable. I also think that your husband is very wrong when he yells at you and complains. He should be more understanding and more gentle.

I do hope that in the future, perhaps with the help of a good therapist, you’ll arrive at an understanding that having a strong sexual drive and a dominant sexual mindset has nothing to do with a propensity to rape or lack of respect for women. It’s a question of ethics, not sexuality. Rapists aren’t necessarily hypersexual or even dominant, they are lacking morals and humanity. They objectify women because they objectify human relations in general, not because they have a particularly strong desire to have sex with women. 

If you truly understand that some day, you might begin to see men differently and realize that men who watch porn or erotic scenes, who are very active and dominant in sex aren’t necessarily disrespectful to women. Beware of evil men, not of sexual and lustful men. 

 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, DamagedGirl1234 said:

I want to understand why this is happening to me and how to work through the feelings. 

Have you thought about seeking therapy to help you?

[basil67]

You've been through such a hard time, and I completely understand that you are carrying pain.   But at the same time, you're being very controlling with your husband and that's not OK.

I think therapy with a goal to healing and finding reasonable solutions with your husband should be your way forward.  

In the meantime, here is a recent thread which you may relate to 

 

[ShyViolet]

You very much need professional help to work through your issues.  The way he blows up and gets a temper isn't right, but with that being said, you are being unreasonable and controlling in the relationship.  It's not reasonable for you to get mad any time a sex scene comes on a movie or TV.  You're treating him like he's done something wrong just because a sex scene comes on while watching a movie, and that's very unreasonable and irrational.  You need to recognize that you have an issue that really needs to be worked on with a therapist.  It's not your fault, I understand that this is all the result of trauma and things that happened to you.  You can't just stop this cycle of behavior on your own.  Give yourself a break and get some help.

[NuevoYorko]

Please do read the thread linked above.  It sounds almost like the two of you could be the same person.   

I'm very sorry that you had such traumatic introductions to sex, and that your husband behaves poorly.  But, this problem is YOUR problem.   Not his, and not a couples issue.  

I feel like it's your absolute responsibility to get professional help and keep at it until you are able to deal with watching TV or movies, or seeing scantily clad hot women, etc. - IF you want to be married.  

  

[Els]

Maybe just stop watching TV until you and your therapist manage to work through this? You ARE in therapy, I hope?

[Achelois]

Wow, I know exactly what you feel. When I watch tv with my partner and something like that happens, I feel hot, I feel sick and I get those knots in my stomach and throat, I couldn’t describe it better. I used to get aggressive, I wanted to break things and to insult my boyfriend at that time, because I felt he “disrespected” me. I’m better now, I breathe and I’m trying to control myself. I still feel very uncomfortable, hot and angry inside, my heart beats faster and I feel like I want to scream. I hadn’t found anybody with the same problem before. Unlike you, I don’t feel sorry for the actresses, I feel angry at them. I also want to feel respected. I didn’t have those horrible experiences you had, I’m so sorry to hear. My dad didn’t respect my mom (I’ve seen violence at home and I saw my dad looking at naked women online), those bad moments made me feel like my partners have to respect me in an extremely way. 

As much as all my life I have thought I’m right and everyone else is wrong, that I’m just asking for respect and that’s all, I’m realising I’m suffering so much this way and I can’t control the media and the world in general. Girls want to show how attractive they are and it’s natural for men to look at them, it’s an instinct and we can’t control that. One thing is to say it, but when it happens I can’t control myself and I also panic. 
 

[ ] 

It’s us against the world and there’s no way we can stop it. The buses have huge photos of women almost naked, every shop, every magazine cover and every publicity on the street. it’s awful but we are the ones suffering because it’s what it is. It’s easy for me to say it, but it’s other thing when it happens to me. I get anxious going to a restaurant thinking if there will be any woman wearing sexy clothes, even how the waitress is going to look like. 
 

I’d love to know if you find any solution. I’m also happy to share my personal experience with you 🙏

Edited February 14 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[DamagedGirl1234]

[ ] 

I care about myself AND other women’s safety in a world where we have been objectified, humiliated, shamed and raped. 
I’m not jealous of other women. I’m protective of them. 

[ ] 

Edited February 14 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[stillafool]

Definitely seek therapy for your trauma.  A good therapist can teach you how to self soothe yourself when you are in that situation.  I'm also a victim of rape at gunpoint so I know how you feel minus the jealousy of other women.

Edited February 13 by stillafool

[stillafool]

On 2/11/2025 at 9:37 AM, DamagedGirl1234 said:

I don’t want my husband looking at other naked women, only me. I want to be respected and honored. Especially because my first introduction to sex I wasn’t respected or honored. I was used and discarded. I also want him to respect other women.

 

On 2/11/2025 at 9:37 AM, DamagedGirl1234 said:

Last night I made a snide comment while we were watching a movie and he was furious. A strip club scene had been playing for about 30 seconds when he playfully says “I’m averting my eyes!” I responded with “are you? Because I’ve been watching you and no you haven’t.”

I think these comments are why Nuevo Yorko thought it was also a jealousy issue.  We are not professionals on this site and can only give our opinions.  Some you will like others you can discard if they aren't helpful.  That is why the majority of us always suggest people seek professional help for any trauma.  That is what helped me.  Good luck.

[Els]

1 hour ago, DamagedGirl1234 said:

I care about myself AND other women’s safety in a world where we have been objectified, humiliated, shamed and raped. 
I’m not jealous of other women. I’m protective of them. 

Women's safety is indeed a grave problem in this messed up world that deserves everyone's attention.

Women dressing in ways that you consider sexy is NOT in any way related to that, and frankly I think you might have internalized some of the awful victim blaming that tends to take place in our society. The countries where women are raped, murdered, and abused the most often don't even allow women on TV full stop, let alone "barely naked" women on TV.

The reasons for this epidemic of violence against women are complex, but most of them boil down to the patriarchal roots of our society. And unfortunately you are, perhaps unwittingly, participating in the propagation of these patriarchal beliefs when you focus on the wrong thing.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Els said:

Women's safety is indeed a grave problem in this messed up world that deserves everyone's attention.

Women dressing in ways that you consider sexy is NOT in any way related to that, and frankly I think you might have internalized some of the awful victim blaming that tends to take place in our society. The countries where women are raped, murdered, and abused the most often don't even allow women on TV full stop, let alone "barely naked" women on TV.

The reasons for this epidemic of violence against women are complex, but most of them boil down to the patriarchal roots of our society. And unfortunately you are, perhaps unwittingly, participating in the propagation of these patriarchal beliefs when you focus on the wrong thing.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

This made me recall my elderly female (!) relative who was furious about her granddaughter wearing sexy tops, saying “wait till she gets raped, that will teach her to be more careful”. I was young and stupid, but even I was, like, “are you f****** serious?”

I hope the OP understands there is zero correlation between watching “barely naked” women on TV and a propensity to rape a woman. It’s men who fear female sexuality, who don’t want women to freely express it, who’d like to cover up women’s bodies as they see fit and lock them in cages, that are the most likely to become rapists.

[Achelois]

[ ]  I want you to know you’re not alone and I’ll be there if you need to vent and if you want to talk without judgment. I know our problem is different but the physical reaction with the tv is the same. I can’t say enough how sorry I am for your horrible experience, I feel for you. I understand if you prefer not to do it, it’s really personal. I just wish I had that support when I needed it, someone who can actually understand what it feels like. I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends or family.  

We’re similar age and I feel identify with the way you describe yourself too, I’m a little hard on myself, but I get lots of compliments about my body, face and personality. I don’t have any problem looking or admiring other women by myself, the problem comes when I’m with my partner. 

 

I was touched inappropriately when I was so young by two different strangers without my consent, It felt horrible, I don’t know if that affected me too. I think it was mainly to see my dad insulting, hitting my mom and looking for other women naked online. 

Are you ok watching tv by yourself?  

Edited February 14 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
privacy of other party

[basil67]

I an neither religious or in AA, but the serenity prayer holds the answers you seek

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Edited February 14 by basil67