Calming anxiety in the early days

[unbeknown]

Hi grateful for any advice. Head is spinning a bit. Had 3 really great dates with a girl. First just drinks. Second comedy show then drinks. Kissed after both dates. The second one holding hands under the table. Lots of contact from her. Linking arms walking home. She had initially kept messaging me on the apps despite my number being in the chat which I shared before the first 2 dates so I jokingly said about texting and she gave me her number after the second date. Text through the week.

3rd date. Went for a coffee and then drove to the beach for a walk. We held hands a little. But not a lot. And no linking arms. Dropped her home and no kiss.

Trying to rationalise it was our first sober date. And in the car is a little awkward. But if she wanted to kiss me surely she wouldn’t have just hopped out.

She opened up about some deeper things on this date which was nice (having an eating disorder when she was little and her mum not knowing how to handle it). Would she have opened up about that to anyone? It felt nice that she was comfortable to do so.

I complimented her perfume earlier in the date. Then later on she was talking about perfumes again and said it’s the best compliment anyone can give to say they smell nice.

She also commented on a band playing in the car and I said they’re supporting a band she liked in a few months and I said I’d love to go, she said excitedly she actually has a spare ticket. So I jokingly said well there’s someone sitting here who loves them. And she jokingly said I don’t know if we’re at that stage yet with a laugh. So potential for her thinking about it.

She’s text me since being home to thank me for the choc bar I bought her (she mentioned it being her fave on the 2nd date and she’s had a stressful week so wanted to be thoughtful).

she was texting me after the date and the next day she was joking about how I’d not taken her for food after the first night out drinking so I said I’d take her for food Saturday, she agreed enthusiastically and sounded keen  

But here’s the catch, this week she’s suddenly gone cold on texting , she would reply throughout the day - morning before work, lunch early eve then yesterday she took 14 hours to message me in the evening. It’s an evident drop from how she used to reply. And she even text me last week during her busiest working weeks where she was super stressed with shareholder meetings. 
 

I asked her last night how her day was and she didn’t expand on anything just said frustrating and busy and it felt rather blunt. I have a sinking feeling she is going to flake on Saturday. 
 

I have a hard time calming my anxiety in dating and would be grateful for any tips or good video content that maybe has helped you? I think I’m definitely anxiously attached and she has barriers up and is possibly avoidant  

TLDR - 3 dates. Kissed on first two. First sober date. In the car dropped her home and no kiss after 3rd date. Did hold hands. Overthinking drop in texting. 

[Sony12]

She's talking to other men on the apps. You had three dates with her and you didn't really put any moves on her. Most people who have a lot of chemistry are having sex by the third date. You two were barely holding hands. I'm sure she will be talking to and meeting guys that act more confident and aggressive than you did here.

She probably liked you or else she wouldn't have gone on three dates with you. But you need to put more moves on them if they seem open to it.

[unbeknown]

4 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

She's talking to other men on the apps. You had three dates with her and you didn't really put any moves on her. Most people who have a lot of chemistry are having sex by the third date. You two were barely holding hands. I'm sure she will be talking to and meeting guys that act more confident and aggressive than you did here.

She probably liked you or else she wouldn't have gone on three dates with you. But you need to put more moves on them if they seem open to 

More moves? I kissed her deeply on first and second date. We’re holding hands. shes told me she’s an avoidant and has barriers up. Not everyone is having sex by the third date, lots haven’t even kissed by then. I don’t believe she is looking for flings.

if shes not invited me back to her place then i’d love to know how you would have escalated in this situation?

[Sony12]

6 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

More moves? I kissed her deeply on first and second date. We’re holding hands. shes told me she’s an avoidant and has barriers up. Not everyone is having sex by the third date, lots haven’t even kissed by then. I don’t believe she is looking for flings.

if shes not invited me back to her place then i’d love to know how you would have escalated in this situation?

You kissed her and then backed off on your actions for the third date where there was little to no physical contact. You need to keep things moving forward unless they tell you they don't want you to do that. Did she ever tell you to stop and that you were moving too fast?

[unbeknown]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

You kissed her and then backed off on your actions for the third date where there was little to no physical contact. You need to keep things moving forward unless they tell you they don't want you to do that. Did she ever tell you to stop and that you were moving too fast?

No but she just hugged me and got out of the car, what was I meant to do call her back got a kiss? Invite myself in? There wasn’t really any opportunity for me to kiss during the date too believe me I tried. 

[Sony12]

31 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

No but she just hugged me and got out of the car, what was I meant to do call her back got a kiss? Invite myself in? There wasn’t really any opportunity for me to kiss during the date too believe me I tried. 

Well then it sounds like she had already decided that there wasn't much chemistry between you two if she was in a rush to get out of the car like that on the third date and didn't open herself up to being kissed during the date.

Edited February 12 by Sony12

[unbeknown]

6 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Well then it sounds like she had already decided that there wasn't much chemistry between you two if she was in a rush to get out of the car like that on the third date and didn't open herself up to being kissed during the date.

I disagree with this tbh. This was our first sober date so maybe she was more reserved. This isn't where the conversation has gone cold. She was texting me fine after dropping her hope and loved that I bought her a gift. The pulling back has started 3-4 days later out of nowhere after replying to me every hour or so.

Just as a pointer, some women make a man wait 3 months before sex. That's not the end goal for everyone. I've had sex after 1 date and I've had it after 8 dates with some people.

[Sony12]

25 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

I disagree with this tbh. This was our first sober date so maybe she was more reserved. This isn't where the conversation has gone cold. She was texting me fine after dropping her hope and loved that I bought her a gift. The pulling back has started 3-4 days later out of nowhere after replying to me every hour or so.

Just as a pointer, some women make a man wait 3 months before sex. That's not the end goal for everyone. I've had sex after 1 date and I've had it after 8 dates with some people.

The fact that you two were drunk on your first couple dates doesn't say much for any potential you two may have had. Sounds like you two were just drinking buddies.

And yes I'm well aware everyone has their own comfort levels for intimacy. However when they are getting along well and feel mutual vibes they are generally on the same wave length with each other regarding those things. That clearly isn't happening here.

Edited February 12 by Sony12

[smackie9]

Her not contacting you is a not interested in you. Everything looks delicious with beer goggles on. The sober thing was prob a reality check that what she felt before was induced by alcohol. As for her talking about something very personal...it is NOT a good sign and never is. Intimacy in not built on secrets and trauma. That kind of thing is a red flag, possible sending you into the friendzone. When you are excited/hot and heavy for someone, talking about sad/negative things are the last thing on your mind to attract the other person. AND you don't go cold, be blunt or short with someone you are really attracted to. Don't put all your bunnies in one basket. 

[Gaeta]

First, you have no control over how she feels. Maybe she's the one, maybe she is not. Just be yourself, be interested in her, and the universe will decide. If she's not the one it's ok, it will be someone else.

Stay away from beliefs like no sex by 3rd date means not interested. If people search for sex, sure! But people looking for love sometimes will take their time. Also, my bf shared his big trauma with me on our 3rd or 4th date.  It's something he felt l needed to know about him. We're heading on our 3rd year together so...no friendzoned here.

Edited February 12 by Gaeta

[basil67]

11 hours ago, unbeknown said:

3rd date. Went for a coffee and then drove to the beach for a walk. We held hands a little. But not a lot. And no linking arms.

A walk along the beach is the perfect time to walk holding hands, or to have your arm around her.   Question is, did you try and she moved away?  Or did you not try?  Either way, between lack of contact in the perfect situation and and her texting going cool, it doesn't bode well

[unbeknown]

57 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

First, you have no control over how she feels. Maybe she's the one, maybe she is not. Just be yourself, be interested in her, and the universe will decide. If she's not the one it's ok, it will be someone else.

Stay away from beliefs like no sex by 3rd date means not interested. If people search for sex, sure! But people looking for love sometimes will take their time. Also, my bf shared his big trauma with me on our 3rd or 4th date.  It's something he felt l needed to know about him. We're heading on our 3rd year together so...no friendzoned here.

Thanks for the first thoughtful response. I'd have been of the opinion someone opening up sharing something about them is building a deeper connection of trust and vulnerability. If someone wasn't interested then they have no reason to share something that has had such a big impact on their life.

I really need to learn to stop holding on to outcomes and let things happen. Like you say I have no control so me holding on so much is only having an impact on my anxieties and not the outcome.

[unbeknown]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

A walk along the beach is the perfect time to walk holding hands, or to have your arm around her.   Question is, did you try and she moved away?  Or did you not try?  Either way, between lack of contact in the perfect situation and and her texting going cool, it doesn't bode well

Yeah we held hands walking along the beach. And she didn't pull away. We didn't hold them for too long but we did. And when she was home she was joking about how cold she was so I said I did try to warm you up and she joked back saying yeah not for long enough.

It was just when I dropped her home we just hugged and I was expecting her to stay and talk for 2 minutes but she got out. I should have maybe gone for the kiss instead of the hug.

But she text fine after this. It's only 2 days later she suddenly is showing a big shift in how she communicates and the texts have become much shorter.

[Gaeta]

Texting a lot through the day cannot be sustained for long, people work and need to concentrate on their responsibilities. All you need to know is she gladly accepted your date invitation for Saturday. That will be your 4th date. Uninterested people don't go on 4th date.

[basil67]

41 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

Yeah we held hands walking along the beach. And she didn't pull away. We didn't hold them for too long but we did. And when she was home she was joking about how cold she was so I said I did try to warm you up and she joked back saying yeah not for long enough.

It was just when I dropped her home we just hugged and I was expecting her to stay and talk for 2 minutes but she got out. I should have maybe gone for the kiss instead of the hug.

But she text fine after this. It's only 2 days later she suddenly is showing a big shift in how she communicates and the texts have become much shorter.

So she would have welcomed a warming hug...question is, why didn't you snuggle with her for longer?   Why didn't you kiss her at that time?

You've already done this stuff, so it makes no sense that you're pulling back now.   

 

[unbeknown]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Texting a lot through the day cannot be sustained for long, people work and need to concentrate on their responsibilities. All you need to know is she gladly accepted your date invitation for Saturday. That will be your 4th date. Uninterested people don't go on 4th date.

Yeah I suppose it's a lot for some people. I feel like I'm playing games which I hate as I've not replied tonight as I'm matching her energy and don't want to keep hitting up her phone.

Thanks, hopefully you're right. I know that people are all different but would have assumed she has had plenty of chances to not see me again, especially when I asked about a 4th date but she seemed responsive and enthusiastic about it. I suppose tomorrow I will find out either way - I'm away Friday so will message her to mention I'll book a table for 7 so will get my answer either way.

[unbeknown]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So she would have welcomed a warming hug...question is, why didn't you snuggle with her for longer?   Why didn't you kiss her at that time?

You've already done this stuff, so it makes no sense that you're pulling back now.   

 

I didn't really see a fit moment to do it at the time. But in hindsight there probably was moments I could have. That's why I think I've fumbled it by it appearing like a step back. My only shot of redemption is if she sees through Saturday's date but not hopeful she will

[basil67]

1 minute ago, unbeknown said:

I didn't really see a fit moment to do it at the time. But in hindsight there probably was moments I could have. That's why I think I've fumbled it by it appearing like a step back. My only shot of redemption is if she sees through Saturday's date but not hopeful she will

Sounds to me like you weren't horny enough to make a move.  In my experience, when two people are into each other, they can't keep apart

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, unbeknown said:

Just as a pointer, some women make a man wait 3 months before sex.

Dating isn’t about making the other person do or not do anything. People move at different speeds and yes, sometimes it takes them longer time than 3 dates to be ready for sex.

That said, it’s hard to see what this has to do with your situation. It’s not that you tried to be more sexual with her and she said she needed more time and continued communicating as usual.

 

[Gaeta]

Express your interest, text her you can't wait to see her again, of course if it's how you feel. 

Personally l have always needed a man to clearly pursue me. If l had any doubts about his intetest, l would lose interest myself.

You need to escalade things. Do you have something else planned for after dinner?

You cannot hesitate in your behavior, women want a man that knows what he wants and goes for it.

Edited February 13 by Gaeta

[unbeknown]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Express your interest, text her you can't wait to see her again, of course if it's how you feel. 

Personally l have always needed a man to clearly pursue me. If l had any doubts about his intetest, l would lose interest myself.

You need to escalade things. Do you have something else planned for after dinner?

You cannot hesitate in your behavior, women want a man that knows what he wants and goes for it.

Thanks. Yeah will suggest some drinks as theres a few cool bars nearby. I sent the message this morning about booking a table, a perfect time for her to pull out, and suggested a few options and asked for her favourite but i was happy to take the lead if she was unsure where. She responded straight away and said her favourite. So hopefully that calms me down a little. This would have been the perfect time for her to say she’s not feeling it right? 
 

just need to get my head in order or I’ll be a mess and not my authentic self 

[introverted1]

I have a slightly different take.  I am thinking that she may have been disappointed with your 3rd date, not because you were sober, but because in her mind coffee and a walk on the beach were not "date-y" enough.  This led her to make the comment about you not buying her food.  Perhaps she felt she was being friend-zoned by you.  She may also have felt awkward after telling you about her ED.

When you see her Saturday, I think you need to make it clear that you view her as a romantic partner.  Ramp up the physical interaction a bit (not saying full on sex necessarily - everyone has different timelines for that - but there should be some escalation beyond hand-holding at this point).

Good luck!

[Sony12]

To be honest if the OP really cares about this young lady to the point he would like something to come of it he really shouldn't keep on having drinking dates with her. Drinking buddies are really just that. Drinking buddies. They have already had one awkward date when drinking wasn't involved so if the OP wants a relationship out of this the goal should be to improve their connection when they are both sober. Not to keep on masking the incompatibility by keeping alcohol involved.

Edited February 13 by Sony12

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Sony12 said:

he really shouldn't keep on having drinking dates with her

I could not agree more with this.

OP, studies show that attraction and attachment grow when we do activities together. Instead of heading to a bar I would suggest to head to a comedy club, a boardgame place (those are SO fun!), go to a casino, or one of those escape room! or virtual reality game or museum! Bf & I went to an Ancient Egypt virtual experien, it was mind blowing! I held on to my bf's arm the whole show as I felt I would fall off a pyramid most of the time.....see, she will need to hang on to you 😉

 

Edited February 13 by Gaeta

[unbeknown]

5 hours ago, Sony12 said:

To be honest if the OP really cares about this young lady to the point he would like something to come of it he really shouldn't keep on having drinking dates with her. Drinking buddies are really just that. Drinking buddies. They have already had one awkward date when drinking wasn't involved so if the OP wants a relationship out of this the goal should be to improve their connection when they are both sober. Not to keep on masking the incompatibility by keeping alcohol involved.

The date wasn't awkward. Everything on the date was fine. We have a good connection sober. It was just we didn’t kiss. Not sure what country you’re from but people go for drinks here, a lot.