Calming anxiety in the early days

[unbeknown]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I could not agree more with this.

OP, studies show that attraction and attachment grow when we do activities together. Instead of heading to a bar I would suggest to head to a comedy club, a boardgame place (those are SO fun!), go to a casino, or one of those escape room! or virtual reality game or museum! Bf & I went to an Ancient Egypt virtual experien, it was mind blowing! I held on to my bf's arm the whole show as I felt I would fall off a pyramid most of the time.....see, she will need to hang on to you 😉

 

We actually did the comedy club for our second date. Which went really well. Besides the first date we’ve not solely gone out just for drinks at bars. It’s just an add on to extend the date. She explicitly doesn’t like activity dates like mini golf or bowling etc so options are sometimes limited. 
 

I have a cool job that gets free gig tickets to big events but sadly my next one isn’t for another 10 days. Perfect for date 5 but not sure there will even be a fifth. Or even a 4th with her drop in texting lol. 

[Sony12]

39 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

The date wasn't awkward. Everything on the date was fine. We have a good connection sober. It was just we didn’t kiss. Not sure what country you’re from but people go for drinks here, a lot. 

You mentioned it was awkward and felt uncomfortable enough with it to start a thread here. So obviously things aren't clicking between you two as much as you would like.

How old are you and how old is this lady you are talking about? You both sound relatively young.

And to be honest if she sticks her nose up at activity dates like that when you two are just trying to get to know one another I'm not sure she is someone you would want to try to start something with. 

 

Edited February 13 by Sony12

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, I don't think you have to seize the right moment and all of that. If you two had chemistry, you would, despite yourselves, find a way to get your hands on each other.

You were way over-texting and it's something we see on this board all the time. Texting frequently early on MEANS NOTHING. Usually means the other person is procrastinating on something important they should be doing. Talking on the phone is MUCH BETTER. And in person is the real deal. 

She's pulled away. She's not interested. And that does not mean you did anything wrong. If she were really interested she would have made it impossible nearly for you to not make a move. 

Relax and move on. I don't think you did anything wrong. 

[unbeknown]

23 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Look, I don't think you have to seize the right moment and all of that. If you two had chemistry, you would, despite yourselves, find a way to get your hands on each other.

You were way over-texting and it's something we see on this board all the time. Texting frequently early on MEANS NOTHING. Usually means the other person is procrastinating on something important they should be doing. Talking on the phone is MUCH BETTER. And in person is the real deal. 

She's pulled away. She's not interested. And that does not mean you did anything wrong. If she were really interested she would have made it impossible nearly for you to not make a move. 

Relax and move on. I don't think you did anything wrong. 

People in the UK don't do phone calls. It might be an American thing but not here. I've been dating for years and in long term relationships and the only time people call is when they're in a relationship or they're outside their place ready to pick them up.

Why would she agree to another date though, and then again today when I said about booking a table (after her drop in communication) still talk about the date and what place she would prefer to go to? It was a clear chance for her to pull out. Unless she really is THAT avoidant she would rather wait until the day after I've booked  table.

[unbeknown]

34 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

You mentioned it was awkward and felt uncomfortable enough with it to start a thread here. So obviously things aren't clicking between you two as much as you would like.

How old are you and how old is this lady you are talking about? You both sound relatively young.

And to be honest if she sticks her nose up at activity dates like that when you two are just trying to get to know one another I'm not sure she is someone you would want to try to start something with. 

 

But I'm with her on activity dates, I think their cringe and cliche. Hiking, coffee, food, drinks, comedy, live music, sport. Fair enough but not escape rooms, crazy golf. Anyway that's not what my post is about. We're early 30's.

We clicked fine on a sober date. Touching me when she makes a point, holding hands, asking how big my hands are to measure against hers, deep conversation, laughing, teasing. Everything on the date was fine. It was just we didn't kiss. Maybe she wanted me to and I went for the hug by mistake and then she got out. I made the thread about calming my anxieties in dating. I don't believe my dating etiquette or style has any flaws (besides not going for the kiss, but that's a case by case basis on the person I'm with). That's not what this thread is about.

[Sony12]

6 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

But I'm with her on activity dates, I think their cringe and cliche. Hiking, coffee, food, drinks, comedy, live music, sport. Fair enough but not escape rooms, crazy golf. Anyway that's not what my post is about. We're early 30's.

We clicked fine on a sober date. Touching me when she makes a point, holding hands, asking how big my hands are to measure against hers, deep conversation, laughing, teasing. Everything on the date was fine. It was just we didn't kiss. Maybe she wanted me to and I went for the hug by mistake and then she got out. I made the thread about calming my anxieties in dating. I don't believe my dating etiquette or style has any flaws (besides not going for the kiss, but that's a case by case basis on the person I'm with). That's not what this thread is about.

Well if you think you clicked fine on a sober date then there is no reason to go back to the non sober dates. Remember how people act when they are drunk isn't how they really are (unless they have a drinking problem).

Also you wouldn't want her to be hanging out with you just because she knows you will get her alcohol.

So get rid of the non sober dates. If you two need that to feel comfortable around one another than you aren't right for each other. Plan a date that doesn't involve alcohol. If she fusses about it than you know what she is looking for from you.

[basil67]

45 minutes ago, unbeknown said:

But I'm with her on activity dates, I think their cringe and cliche.  Hiking, coffee, food, drinks, comedy, live music, sport.

If you think these are cringe or cliche, why are you doing them?  And are you going to want to stop doing it when you're in a relationship?  If so, what you're currently doing is a 'bait and switch' and it's THE WORST.    

[unbeknown]

50 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you think these are cringe or cliche, why are you doing them?  And are you going to want to stop doing it when you're in a relationship?  If so, what you're currently doing is a 'bait and switch' and it's THE WORST.    

Sorry it wasnt clear, the first list is things i like, its crazy golf escape rooms i find cringe for dates and im not doing them

[basil67]

1 hour ago, unbeknown said:

Sorry it wasnt clear, the first list is things i like, its crazy golf escape rooms i find cringe for dates and im not doing them

I'm sorry....yes, I understand what you're saying

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, you are wrong--people in the UK call a lot. There was a recent survey finding that people in Birmingham and London make the most calls. Like in the U.S., UK folks set up the phone calls.

Now there is a generation gap here where younger people (like you) don't call as much as older folks. My criticism of your over-texting still applies. Yes, your generation uses texts way too much when it comes to romance and the result is a ton of confusion and wasted time.  Go cutting edge, brother. Pick up the phone if you're dating early on. No woman (or man) is going to look down on you for making a phone call instead of a text. So do it! Texting is a waste of time and energy. People will text all day and then morning to night on another day--and IT MEANS NOTHING, ZERO, ZIP--as far as being interested in dating the person they are texting. 

Save texting for telling someone you have arrived at a certain place or to quickly confirm plans (See you tomorrow nighty at X.) 

[Achelois]

On 2/13/2025 at 9:52 PM, introverted1 said:

I have a slightly different take.  I am thinking that she may have been disappointed with your 3rd date, not because you were sober, but because in her mind coffee and a walk on the beach were not "date-y" enough.  This led her to make the comment about you not buying her food.  Perhaps she felt she was being friend-zoned by you.  She may also have felt awkward after telling you about her ED.

When you see her Saturday, I think you need to make it clear that you view her as a romantic partner.  Ramp up the physical interaction a bit (not saying full on sex necessarily - everyone has different timelines for that - but there should be some escalation beyond hand-holding at this point).

Good luck!

TOTALLY AGREE!!! 

I was thinking exactly the same. She also said she was feeling cold, so it was perfect for you to hug her more, warm her up and to offer her your jacket or something like that.

Did you ask her after the date on the beach if she was feeling hungry? 

I think there’s nothing wrong to have drinks, just don’t get drunk of course. But a nice diner and few cocktails sounds good. I think what they mean is you should be able to do different plans too and it shouldn’t feel awkward. Maybe you’re a little shy and that’s ok. Just show her you’re interested. 

Invite her for dinner, don’t ask her to split the bill, it could turn her off, in my personal experience when a guy is generous with me I’m generous back, if she is good she will invite you back or will plan the next date. I know a lot of people disagree and talk about equality and modern dates, but she may be romantic, old fashioned girl. I’m just thinking it because on her comments she is gently dropping hints about food and feeling cold. Ypou’re a nice thoughtful guy (you remember her favourite chocolate and listen to her problems).  Ask her if she is looking for a relationship, so you’ll know what to expect. 

Good luck tonight!!

Or was it yesterday? I don’t know were you live. But I hope everything is going or went well.

Keep us updated and don’t get anxious, if she is the one, everything will go smoothly:)

Edited February 14 by Achelois

[NuevoYorko]

I used to drink when I was young - I did not have a drinking problem or anything.  Just normal drinking, but I was fairly shy.   

Life went on and I stopped drinking, and ultimately found myself dating and in the unique position to make a move to kiss someone for the first time when I had not a single drink or any other "social lubrication assist."  I was so awkward and tentative and ... well, it was uncomfortable.  I can still remember very clearly how it felt.

Maybe you, the girl or even both of you had a bit of this going on.

 

[unbeknown]

On 2/14/2025 at 10:28 PM, Achelois said:

TOTALLY AGREE!!! 

I was thinking exactly the same. She also said she was feeling cold, so it was perfect for you to hug her more, warm her up and to offer her your jacket or something like that.

Did you ask her after the date on the beach if she was feeling hungry? 

I think there’s nothing wrong to have drinks, just don’t get drunk of course. But a nice diner and few cocktails sounds good. I think what they mean is you should be able to do different plans too and it shouldn’t feel awkward. Maybe you’re a little shy and that’s ok. Just show her you’re interested. 

Invite her for dinner, don’t ask her to split the bill, it could turn her off, in my personal experience when a guy is generous with me I’m generous back, if she is good she will invite you back or will plan the next date. I know a lot of people disagree and talk about equality and modern dates, but she may be romantic, old fashioned girl. I’m just thinking it because on her comments she is gently dropping hints about food and feeling cold. Ypou’re a nice thoughtful guy (you remember her favourite chocolate and listen to her problems).  Ask her if she is looking for a relationship, so you’ll know what to expect. 

Good luck tonight!!

Or was it yesterday? I don’t know were you live. But I hope everything is going or went well.

Keep us updated and don’t get anxious, if she is the one, everything will go smoothly:)

Thanks appreciate it.

It was last night. I thought she was going to flake. as I didn't hear from her for most of the day but she did reply to say she is rushing to get ready. Arrived at hers and she was running late but invited me in (first time) which was nice. Food was good and conversation flowed. Few drinks after and then I walked her home. This time linking arms and holding hands. Kissed and she invited me in. Ended up staying the night. Slept together and then again in the morning whilst sober so that was nice.

She had a busy week. We discussed my not kissing her on the sober beach walk date, well I brought it up, and she said she wanted me to kiss her, I think it was just mixed signals as she got out after the hug instead of lingering a little longer.

I still think I need to rationalise my thoughts as I can feel the anxiety creeping in again but I need to take the positive that we slept together again whist sober and spent all morning cuddling in bed and I left at 1pm on my own accord.

Now I'm not sure where to go from here - a midweek date or keep it to the weekend again. I'd like to get to know her on a deeper level as she has some barriers up and I want her to open up to me but I suppose that will come with time. Just need to not get in my head over the text message frequency.

[Achelois]

21 hours ago, unbeknown said:

Thanks appreciate it.

It was last night. I thought she was going to flake. as I didn't hear from her for most of the day but she did reply to say she is rushing to get ready. Arrived at hers and she was running late but invited me in (first time) which was nice. Food was good and conversation flowed. Few drinks after and then I walked her home. This time linking arms and holding hands. Kissed and she invited me in. Ended up staying the night. Slept together and then again in the morning whilst sober so that was nice.

She had a busy week. We discussed my not kissing her on the sober beach walk date, well I brought it up, and she said she wanted me to kiss her, I think it was just mixed signals as she got out after the hug instead of lingering a little longer.

I still think I need to rationalise my thoughts as I can feel the anxiety creeping in again but I need to take the positive that we slept together again whist sober and spent all morning cuddling in bed and I left at 1pm on my own accord.

Now I'm not sure where to go from here - a midweek date or keep it to the weekend again. I'd like to get to know her on a deeper level as she has some barriers up and I want her to open up to me but I suppose that will come with time. Just need to not get in my head over the text message frequency.

Great!!! 

So glad to hear everything went well. Better than well!!.. She likes you, that’s why she wanted you to kiss her on the beach date and also she invited you to her place, actions speak louder than words. I know you’re feeling worried about next step. It seems to me like you’re overthinking. It sounds like she’s busy at work. She does like you, otherwise she wouldn’t have slept with you. Just ask her if she would like a midweek date or keep or keep it to the weekend, so you would know. I feel you’re worried to do or to say something wrong, but you have to be confident and to be yourself. I’m so excited and hope everything keeps going smoothly. 

[FredEire]

On 2/12/2025 at 8:20 PM, smackie9 said:

Her not contacting you is a not interested in you. Everything looks delicious with beer goggles on. The sober thing was prob a reality check that what she felt before was induced by alcohol. As for her talking about something very personal...it is NOT a good sign and never is. Intimacy in not built on secrets and trauma. That kind of thing is a red flag, possible sending you into the friendzone. When you are excited/hot and heavy for someone, talking about sad/negative things are the last thing on your mind to attract the other person. AND you don't go cold, be blunt or short with someone you are really attracted to. Don't put all your bunnies in one basket. 

I think this is the best advice here. I've learnt the hard way in the past that when you are in the flirty stages in the first few dates, figuring out if someone is a potential sex partner and maybe more, you keep the mood very light and flirty.

I'm a very open person and it can feel nice to open up about these things and be a good listener for something else, but such serious topics are a privilege for people you've been seeing for months and have already established a connection with. Early on it kills the mood.

If you get in this situation again just stop her say you're not comfortable talking about such things early on and change the subject to something lighter.

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

I think this is the best advice here. I've learnt the hard way in the past that when you are in the flirty stages in the first few dates, figuring out if someone is a potential sex partner and maybe more, you keep the mood very light and flirty.

I'm a very open person and it can feel nice to open up about these things and be a good listener for something else, but such serious topics are a privilege for people you've been seeing for months and have already established a connection with. Early on it kills the mood.

If you get in this situation again just stop her say you're not comfortable talking about such things early on and change the subject to something lighter.

Ya this guy I was interested in, when things were heating up at the end of the night he started talking about how sad his childhood was/ getting all emotional....I told him I had work in the morning, sent him on his way....forever. 

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Ya this guy I was interested in, when things were heating up at the end of the night he started talking about how sad his childhood was/ getting all emotional....I told him I had work in the morning, sent him on his way....forever. 

Yeah, he may have felt "safe" with you to open up, which is why it can hurt that bit more if you get rejected in this way. But there's a time and a place, at that stage of seeing someone it isn't attractive, at all.

In my case the girl I was getting to know actually brought some sad family stuff herself without me prompting her. I reciprocated and shared some of my own stuff, and it felt really nice to have someone listen to me, but after that the flirty edge that was there was completely gone. She went straight to some other guy in the club that night lol.

Lesson learned, change the subject, have some boundaries and keep certain conversations in reserve for when you know someone well enough that they merit your trust.

Edited February 18 by FredEire

[unbeknown]

Just an update - as I’m still at a loss on how to proceed with this one at this stage. 

so since my last post I’ve now seen her twice more. First time after food and drinks we were holding hands over the table. Then touching hands on legs. She said she was waiting for me to kiss her after the third date where I fumbled. We joked and she invited me In and we had Sex. Cuddled all night. Had sex again in the morning sober. 
 

i left on my own accord at 1pm after she made me breakfast in bed. After sex she would cuddle right in to me holding my arm around her. 
 

second time she was ill this week so thought I wouldn’t see her. I suggested takeaway and a movie. She said she was sleepy so might but be great company, so I said I wouldn’t take offence if she said no. Gave her a clear out. She said it’s fine to come over. Again cuddling straight away. Then we ended up making out again and sex. The seed itself was good, orgasmed everything. Stayed for a second night. She really likes to cling on after sex cuddling really close. 
 

but my head still can’t gauge if she’s in to me. She’s closed off emotionally. So could she be using me for sex? Would she be holding hands, and cuddling in if it was just sex? 
 

can’t seem to get out of my head on  this one. I really like her and would love things to develop towards a relationship. But for now do I just keep seeing her as we are? Or is it too early to bring up any questions on how we see it developing? (5 dates, started over twice, sex).
 

after every date I’m filled with anxiety, prob from my last breakup and this being the first dating experience where I actually really like the girl. 

She’s text me today since but never asks about my day etc. 

[Sony12]

You are way overthinking things. You won't know at this point where things are going to go. No one does. All you need to do at this point is enjoy each other's company. She may lose interest in you just like you may lose interest in her.

Both of you seem to have some confidence issues.

If it is meant to be things will progress naturally. If it's not things will slowly fade.

[unbeknown]

Yep. An update, she freaked out and called it off. Stayed over a second time Friday last week, sex was great again. She said she felt unwell that week. So I said we could reschedule but she said to come over for takeaway. She seemed fine. Next day she went to her friends for drinks. 

we’d planned a gig as I had free tickets Sunday. Maybe it was too soon after seeing her Friday. Sat she text to say the plan sounds good. Then 2 hours before Sunday she cancelled and said she felt ill. 
 

I played it cool said hope she feels better soon and not to worry. Said we could plan something next weekend if feeling better. 
 

we spoke all week. Then her fav comedian was in town so I suggested going. She replied quite bluntly “sorry have to work this weekend”. 
 

she told me on date one she self sabotages and I stupidly brought it up as a joke, said again not to worry (despite 2 cancellations now and no offer from her for a reschedule) and used a laughing emoji. But she took it personal. Sent me a huge text. I feel awful. Don’t think there’s any coming back from this. Absolutely gutted. 

[basil67]

The only thing you did wrong is asking her on another date after she told you that she self sabotages.   When someone tells you that they ruin relationships, believe them!

[unbeknown]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

The only thing you did wrong is asking her on another date after she told you that she self sabotages.   When someone tells you that they ruin relationships, believe them!

Yeah I should’ve listened. But when she accepted every date upfront, it was no effort, her actions on dates too - holding hands, inviting me to stay over, it as all so natural. I got emotionally invested. 

[FredEire]

It sounds like she has intimacy issues. It went about as far as it could have.

Maybe in this situation some kind of friends with benefits situation would have worked if you were both up for it, at least for a time. But since OP was about you catching feelings it seems like that ship had sailed already, or you were looking for something more serious.

I'm in the camp that if you're regularly sleeping with someone it's impossible or at least very hard for it not to become emotionally intimate, leading to one or both people getting hurt.

Maybe as @basil67 said you need to just drop these weird mixed-signal situations after a couple of dates for your own sanity even if you're catching feelings, especially if she openly tells you that she self-sabotages relationships.

Edited March 4 by FredEire

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, unbeknown said:

Yeah I should’ve listened. But when she accepted every date upfront, it was no effort, her actions on dates too - holding hands, inviting me to stay over, it as all so natural. I got emotionally invested. 

Yeah. People with intimacy issues will do that. They will do all these things that have you convinced that it's gonna be different with you, and everything will be perfect. Until it's not. One day, you'll say or do something innocent and they'll take off. And you'll think it's what you said/did, but in truth, it'll be the fact that you two just got too close for their comfort. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Maybe in future, if you find yourself being consistently anxious about dating someone, take a step back and examine the source of those feelings. I think it's possible that you were anxious partly because, deep down inside, you sensed that she had one foot out the door.

Edited March 4 by Acacia98

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Yeah. People with intimacy issues will do that. They will do all these things that have you convinced that it's gonna be different with you, and everything will be perfect. Until it's not. One day, you'll say or do something innocent and they'll take off. And you'll think it's what you said/did, but in truth, it'll be the fact that you two just got too close for their comfort. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Maybe in future, if you find yourself being consistently anxious about dating someone, take a step back and examine the source of those feelings. I think it's possible that you were anxious partly because, deep down inside, you sensed that she had one foot out the door.

Agree, OP pointed out that she was acting a bit standoffish and weird. When you get that paired with moments of closeness it can be pretty distressing and confusing, and make you feel like you have to win them over.

I think it just means part of her wanted to be with you, the other part wanted to run away. And the closer you get, the louder that voice telling her to run away will be.