Newly Seperated and Lost

[matty]

Hi Everyone,

 

I found this site a couple months back at the onset of my seperation and have just registered as I have am having trouble dealing with the overwhelming emotions and confusion I have faced throughout these first grueling 3 months.

 

My story is as follows; any comments or insight would be greatly appreciated.

 

My wife and I were married for almost 2 years, no kids. My wife has ADHD, which initially never posed a problem. We dated for about 2 years and she more or less pressured me to get married telling me that she couldn't go on any longer without a committment from me. I was 29 at the time and was very much in love with her and felt like it was the right thing to do. Our entire courtship and first 6 months of marriage were great until we started running into financial problems. She was fired from her job, she decided to go back to school, she decided to start a business, etc... all while I was trying my best to support us. Our financial problems were compounded by some health problems she ran into, and her words - "we would never be able to have a family, because we could not support them". I did everything in my power to reassure her that more that half of the people in the world are in financial trouble and that it was a short term problem that we could get through. We decided to put my house that I purchased before we got married up for sale and move in with her parents while we sorted everything out. Over the course of last summer, we moved everything out of our house into her parents house and got it ready to sell. My wifes parents live about 45 minutes from our house and she has always used her parents house as a "safe harbor" whenever we would have problems. I love her parents and told her that I didn't mind her staying there, but that I also wanted to be with her and that she ultimately needed to put me ahead of them. Our house didn't sell as quickly as we anticipated and the entire summer led to us living back and forth lives between our empty house and her parents house. In the early fall, she told me that she was not confortable with me selling my place, with the feelings she was having about us. 6 months after we were married, we started arguing, and she developed a strong level of distrust in me. She started going through my things looking for things that just weren't there. I told her that she knew everything about me and there wasn't anything I would ever keep from her. She has been suffering from depression and I've seen a variety of antidepressants, etc. that the doctor had apparently been trying with her. In October we seperated and she told me needed her space and needed to be alone, which I was willing to give her if that was what she needed. We didn't speak as I didn't want to push her and I wanted to give her the space she wanted. In November I received a summons from the sherriff with divorce papers. I was shocked and numb. I assumed after such extreme measures that this is what she really wanted, so I hired an attorney and filed my response and counter claim to her petition in early December. I've called my laywer 3 times in the last month for a status update and he told me that he has sent letters and called the other attorney several times with no response. I asked him what that meant and he basically said it means 1 of 2 things - either the other attorney is doing things in his best interest, or that my wife is going to make this very difficult. We don't have any assets, moreso debt that needs to be divided - so in a perfect world things shouldn't really be this difficult. My lawyer suggest that I reach out to my wife and explain to her what is going on as she may be unaware that her laywer is doing these things to try to run up his legal bill. I haven't done anything as I don't know the best way other than email to reach out to her becuase of the distance between us. So I am here now in a pretty empty apartment with all of my belongings, including my dog which I purchased before we were married, at her parents house, with no communication or effort on her part to complete the divorce proceedings so we can both move on with our lives.

 

I have several friends, who have been a savior to me in these times, but I just feel so akward going out or just trying to feel like myself - which from I've read is perfectly normal. I am just so taken back by someone who claimed to have loved me to turn on me in such a dramatic fashion.

 

When in comes to my things, I want them back, but am not willing to go through an arduous legal battle for a bunch of stuff. I do want my dog and my laywer has sent a letter to the other laywer requesting that he be returned or that we will file a motion with the court to have him returned - but again there has been no response in regards to this. I don't know how to make heads or tails of any of this and just want this to be over with so I can try to put my life back together. I told my wife at the onset of our seperation that regardless of whether our marriage can survive or not that I cared about her - she apparently doesn't see things in the same light, as she is withholding my dog, my possessions, and not trying to resolve things in a civil manner; rather fighting her battle through her attorney with noncommunication.

 

Sorry for such a long message, and thanks if you made it all the way through.

 

I guess my questions in all of this are - what do you do when there is no communication, has anyone else had experience with a their spouse/significant other suffering from ADHD or depression and how has this affected your marriage, how do I go about getting my things/dog back - again my things aren't nearly important as my dog - I have the documentation supporting that I purchased the dog 9 months before we were married, I live in a large city - how do I go about finding a counselor I can talk with about all of this, how do I start feeling like myself again?

[suegail]

Well, it's just so odd. And while your lawyer is placing blame on the other lawyer, despite that, it is your lawyers job to get to the bottom of this. That's why you pay him. I don't think you should be asked to intercede in any way - you shouldn't have to find a way to make contact with your wife to inform her of her lawyers unresponsiveness - I think I would tell the lawyer that if he can't get some action you will seek other counsel, because you feel you'll have no choice. Surely there must be a way...maybe he could file with the court and have your wife's lawyer presented with a summons to appear in court. That he cannot ignore, I would think.

 

I'm very sorry you're going through all this and I wish there were things I could say to make it easier. It sounds as if your wife is a very confused young woman and I really feel sorry for her in many ways, because who knows if she'll ever get the help she needs if she spends her life running from all her problems?

[jmargel]

My ex-fiancee went into a deep depression not only because of her past but after her dad tried to hang himself. That night when it happened, somehow I knew we would be over. I became her emotional punching bag. She would just harp on me all the time to the point I shut down and communication ceased.

 

My wife is on anti-depressants (come to think of it.. how many women are?) Seems like a lot are.

 

Anyway your wife's medical problems play a majority role in what is going on. Until she gets help for herself there's probably not much chance for the marriage to survive. Why can't you call and talk to her? I believe she is doing these things for your attention. Kinda like testing your love? I know it's warped but when you deal with people with mental problems you get all sorts of crazy stuff happening.

 

Call her up and ask to meet with her one on one. Talk to her, be her friend again. Don't talk about the issues at hand. Once you get her talking to you again (if thats what you want) then suggest marriage counseling and let the counselor do their job. You can't be her counselor or be her parent. Sounds like that's what you've been doing. Isn't it like a teenager to blame everyone else but themselves for their problems? That's what she's doing.

 

Good to hear you haven't been hounding her since that'll just push her away. Now's the time to give her the opportunity to straighten this mess out if she wants to. If you do talk to her, talk to her in a calm manner and really think before talking. She will probably intentionally seek out certain things to try and push your buttons. Remember your not dealing with someone who is 100% there right now.

[matty]

Thanks Suegail and Jmargel - I'm just at a loss and don't know what the right thing to do is. My wife was depressed all last summer and starting having health problems. She has been seeing a psychiatrist to address her issues and when I went to pickup some of my things, her mom told me she was seeing someone to help her deal with everything. Prior to receiving the summons, I sent her a very long and thought out letter which basically told her where I was coming from and everything I would be willing to do to save the marriage. She received it and I have never heard anything from her, no call on my bday, thanksgiving, xmas, or anything/return letter/etc whatsoever... I don't know if I would be willing to reconcile based on everything that has happened, but I do want her to start acting like an adult and handle things in an adultlike manner so we can both get on with our lives. As far as calling her, I have spoken with her in 3 months, and just the thought of calling her makes me very uneasy. I suppose I could try emailing her, but based on the noncommunication I've already received - my guess would be that it would fall on deaf/ignoring ears.