I think I am confusing myself.

[BetterKarma]

Well, it has been almost an entire month since my boyfriend left me and broke up with me and I am so confused. (He's in his mid 30s and I am in my mid 20s.)

He left me on our second year anniversary, two weeks before Christmas. He left because we had a fight about me wanting to do something on our anniversary and him being angry because I "didn't tell him that I wanted to do something special." So he left me and when I chased after him, he told me that he's not the relationship type and he just wants to be alone. It broke my heart.

The funny thing is he was the one who has always professed that I was his soulmate and that I was the one for him. He was always the one to constantly ask me to marry him. He even named our children.

The following day, I read his e-mails and found out that he e-mailed his ex (who's married) and begged and plead with her to have some sort of relationship with him. He also wrote in his e-mail that he tried to forget about her with me but couldn't. The funny thing about that was that he left her to be with me. I confronted him and he lied about e-mailing her until I shoved the e-mail back into his face and then he got angry at me for reading his e-mail. So I went into NC mode. Cried and cried for two weeks straight.

He lives with me, so I have all of his stuff. I finally e-mailed him about getting his stuff if things are really over and he said that he thought it would be best to do it after the holidays, so as not to ruin the holidays. ba humbug...yeah right, like it wasn't ruined already.

He called me after the holidays on thurs night telling me that he will pick up his stuff on Friday. I told him no way and that I needed more warning than that. Then he went off on this accusing me of sleeping with a mutual male friend of ours and how he's only asking so many questions so that I "wouldn't get hurt." Ba humbug again.... Unfortuantely, I answered all of his questions and then deteriorated into a crying, angry, fool throughout the entire conversation, ending with him being upset with me! I told him to contact me after the Jan 1.

When he contacted me again, I refused to be an emotional wreck in front of him and was very cold (very uncharacteristic of me) to him. He told me he couldn't pick up his stuff because he twisted his ankle really badly. I didn't care and proceeded to ask when he was going to pick up his stuff and he got mad and said "Can't you be a little bit nicer?" F that. I told him that with everything that has happend in my life (uncle past away and grandmother extremely ill -which he hasn't even asked me about), he had the nerve to ask me to be nice to him! So i said, I'll be nice, call me when your foot feels better and we'll arrange a time and date.

This past Saturday, I was online but I didn't come home until 2:30am (went out with friends) and when I went on my computer to check my e-mail and put an away message on, he messages me immediately. "You're up late. Christ...it's really late." I replied with "I am" and then when he asked "What are you doing?" I signed off.

That was the last I heard from him.

Sorry for the long post. I am so angry, hurt, sad, depressed, and generally blahhhhh. What is he trying to pull? I was doing so well on Saturday, having fun and finally beginning to show TRUE signs of moving on and then he messages me! What is he trying to do? I don't understand anymore. I am half hoping that he is regretting what he did and will beg to come back but the other half of me is tell me, that he's just playing with my mind.

I am so confused. I love him and want to be with him. Does him being jealous and checking up on me mean that he's keeping the door open? Those are the only times, I have had any contact with him. I have not initiated any contact. But boy, it's so hard not to message him.

[wowzers]

Sounds like an a** just by the way you've described him. So he basically dumps you before Christmas, is trying to reform a relationship with his ex, questions your actions even though you're no longer bound to him...

 

yeah, keep doing what you're doing and don't contact him.

[Just Visiting]

Sheesh...I can just feel the guilt and anger off this guy. I know what you mean about half wanting him back and the other half saying "no way!". I have been like that for awhile and we broke up almost four months ago.

 

You don't have to accept his anger, rudeness, insecurity, guilt, etc etc. If he wants to reconcile with his ex than let him. Continue with NC, as tough as it is, you have to. It is for you, not to punish him or anything. Be civil and polite, even if he acts like a total A**!! When it is time for him to pick up his things, have a friend there. You two can hang out while he is going in and out of the house. I did that and it felt good. It showed that I am able to have a life and be civil, despite what happened. I can tell it threw him off.

 

I am sorry for all the pain that your ex has caused. Take it one day at a time.

[BetterKarma]

Thank you guys for your support.

 

I know that I should hate him and be completely disgusted and pissed but unfortunately, I am not. I am sad for myself and how much I have neglected myself.

 

I am in the process of getting my life back. I force myself to go out with friends even if I don't want to because if I stayed at home, I would drive myself crazy. I have also bought entirely new bedding and new framed photos for the bedroom. I also tried to change my living room up a bit. I am trying...

 

I do want him back and yes, I know that's pathetic, but I know the potential is there. My friends said that he got scared and ran away because reality was finally beginning to set in. I was his first and only "stable" girlfriend.

 

I am trying to move on but find it extremely hard to get over him. I want him to want me again. I want him to regret what he has done and realize what he has lost. How long would that take??

 

I am also fearing that NC is actually turning him off and making him resent my coldness. Hence his "Can't you be a little bit nicer?" comment. What if he really does want me back and the night that he was going to tell me this, I just signed off and he never got the chance?? And then didn't try again because he is afraid to because he thinks I am really mad at him and doesn't want to talk to him??

 

Ok....now I KNOW I am insane.....please help me sort out my thoughts before I contact him!! Thank you!

[CaliGuy]

I am also fearing that NC is actually turning him off and making him resent my coldness. Hence his "Can't you be a little bit nicer?" comment. What if he really does want me back and the night that he was going to tell me this, I just signed off and he never got the chance?? And then didn't try again because he is afraid to because he thinks I am really mad at him and doesn't want to talk to him??

 

Ok....now I KNOW I am insane.....please help me sort out my thoughts before I contact him!! Thank you!

 

Well he isn't showing any sign of getting back with you so really, what you're doing with NC is making yourself stronger and taking the power away from him and giving it back to yourself.

 

He is the one who screwed up here, don't feel sorry for him. Yes, I understand you still have feelings for him but what you need to hear, he isn't saying (I'm sorry, I screwed up, I love you and want a second chance.) Until he says that, sticking to NC is your best bet.

 

Continue working on self-improvement, hanging out with friends, hobbies, working out, etc. That's the best thing for you.

 

Honestly, reading what you've said about him I feel like you aren't losing much by sticking to NC and in the end you'll be better off as you'll be set for when the next guy comes along. And he will.

[francis]

betterkarma, i am sorry for your pain.

do you really think he can be trusted following his email to his ex? if he begged for you to forgive him do you think you could overcome this?

NC at this stage will clear a lot of the mist and help you see this guy clearly for what he is.

Did he cheat on his ex with you?

[BetterKarma]

Thank you CaliGuy....I know that I am better off without him and all that. However, (i know this is going to sound like an excuse for him but) he really has had a horrible childhood trauma. So, because of all of that, he has never had a stable girlfriend or relationships. I will stop now because it really is beginning to sound like i'm making excuses for him.

 

It has been an entire month and he hasn't picked up his stuff yet. I am slowly (he has a lot of stuff) but surely packing up his stuff in boxes and putting them in the corner. I am waiting for him to contact me so we can arrange for a time and date. My thought is that I will not be in my apartment when he does that. I will have a mutual friend of ours be here.

 

Francis, thank you for your concerns. I truly believe that he did not cheat on me when we were together. We were with each other all the time and when he wasn't with me, we were on messenger all the time at work.

 

I do miss him so much.

[CaliGuy]

Thank you CaliGuy....I know that I am better off without him and all that. However, (i know this is going to sound like an excuse for him but) he really has had a horrible childhood trauma. So, because of all of that, he has never had a stable girlfriend or relationships. I will stop now because it really is beginning to sound like i'm making excuses for him.

 

Knowing this then you realize that he isn't going to be in the right frame of mind for a relationship with anyone. His personal demons he must slay on his own. You can not help him with that other than support, which is sounds like you probably were very supportive of him. People with emotional problems, who recognize them and are strong, understand they have to work their issues out, seek professional help and slay their own demons.

 

Given that, why would you want to set yourself up for failure again with him?

 

It has been an entire month and he hasn't picked up his stuff yet.

 

That's because I bet, deep down, he's waiting for you cave in and beg to have him back. If, in his mind it was really over and he needed his stuff, he would have taken it with him.

 

I am slowly (he has a lot of stuff) but surely packing up his stuff in boxes and putting them in the corner. I am waiting for him to contact me so we can arrange for a time and date. My thought is that I will not be in my apartment when he does that. I will have a mutual friend of ours be here.

 

Why wait? Want to really show him the new you? Take all his boxes and dump them off at his front door. I would!

 

I do miss him so much.

 

Time heals all wounds. NC is great for that. You do need to decide that it is what it is, let it go, accept the situation and move on. You will heal much faster and one day look back on this guy and be GLAD you didn't marry him. Look at how easily he gave up and how childish he's acting? Not much of a real man, is it? Not good husband material, IMHO.

[BetterKarma]

Given that, why would you want to set yourself up for failure again with him?

 

I guess the reason why I still want him back is truely because I know there's potential. He was the perfect guy for the first year we were together, then he got stressed and depressed and work and started to revert back to his old self. I am finding it hard to let go because I know that I make him happy for the first time in his life (he has repeatedly said so during our relationship).

Or am I just kidding myself?

 

That's because I bet, deep down, he's waiting for you cave in and beg to have him back. If, in his mind it was really over and he needed his stuff, he would have taken it with him.

 

 

Well, the first time I told him to get his stuff out, he said to wait until after the Christmas. He had the entire week after Christmas off but did not contact me until Thursday night to tell me that maybe he can pick up his stuff on Friday. I told him "no" that I was busy. I am not going to be at his becking call anymore. That's when he got jealous and accused me of being with a mutual friend of ours and that he just "didn't want to see me get hurt."

 

Last week, he IMed me and told me that he hurt his foot really badly so he can't pick up his stuff again. He wants to "play it by ear" and see how his foot feels. That's when i kept asking him to pick a date and he said to me "Can't you be a little bit nicer?"

 

I don't think he's waiting for me to beg him back. I did twice the first week and got rejected repeatedly. So I stopped.

 

 

 

Why wait? Want to really show him the new you? Take all his boxes and dump them off at his front door. I would!

 

I am not waiting. I honestly have packed up 5 trash bags of clothes, four boxes of books, and another four boxes of misc stuff. I am just emotionally drained and haven't slept well in a month that I am trying hard to muster up the energy to continue. I will continue tonight though.

 

 

Time heals all wounds. NC is great for that. You do need to decide that it is what it is, let it go, accept the situation and move on. You will heal much faster and one day look back on this guy and be GLAD you didn't marry him. Look at how easily he gave up and how childish he's acting? Not much of a real man, is it? Not good husband material, IMHO.

 

Thank you and I hear what you are saying and while my brain agrees with you, my heart has the IQ and common sense of a pretzel.

[jey dey dey]

Continue the NC. He hasn't picked up his stuff because he figures if he feels different with time getting his stuff will serve as an excuse to come over to your place and see you, check up on you.

 

 

Don't call him. Don't IM him. In IM you can't hear the persons voice, you can't tell how he's saying the things he is saying so don IM.

 

 

Pack up his **** and if you really want to screw with his head drop it off at his new place while he is not home. Bring friends with you. If he does come over make the place look great, change it a bit, add some of your personality, some color. Don't just have one friend over have two. Have some music playin in a room he won't be in, that opens up into whatever rooms he'll be taking his stuff from. Hey open a bottle of wine but don't drink too much before he gets there or after. Never call him drunk, or crying, never beg. Keep the lil bit of control you have and turn into full absolute control because he is the one that has to beg, that has to call you, that has to see you face to face and ask for a second chance, don't let him do it on the phone.

 

He doesn't sound like a keeper, and if he did have a horrible childhood why should you pay for it. He needs counseling for that. Do you really want him? Either way continue with the NC, who cares if months go by, at worst you will either realize you don't want him, and if he really wants you time won't change that. Not picking up the phone that one night he called won't change that. If he really wants you he will come, you should not be the one convinving him. Oh and always look great, hot, not slutty but hot and when he comes over for his stuff make sure you smile at your friends and laugh. Guys like happy, independant women. Would you have to be with a frumpy, depressed, red eyed, bitter, resentful girl?

[BetterKarma]

Thanks JDD. I needed to hear that.

 

Don't call him. Don't IM him. In IM you can't hear the persons voice, you can't tell how he's saying the things he is saying so don IM.

 

I have decided to be on line under an entirely different name so that I am not tempted to IM him (which I have not initiated for over 3 weeks now) and he can not see what I am doing. This way, I am forcing him to call me rather than coping out with an IM again.

 

Pack up his **** and if you really want to screw with his head drop it off at his new place while he is not home. Bring friends with you.

 

As for his stuff, I really wanted to bring his stuff up to him last weekend and since his stuff won't fit in one car, my ex J (whom I am really close friends with and has a gf) offered to drive up there with me. My ex has always been jealous of my relationship with my ex J, even though we have been broke up like over 7 years ago and have no romantic feelings what so ever. I decided against it because he has a computer here with a water cooling system that I do not know how to disconnect and don't want to spill a gallon of water all over computer equipment.

 

Not picking up the phone that one night he called won't change that. If he really wants you he will come, you should not be the one convinving him.

 

You're absolutely right. I have to get it through my thick skull. If he really wanted me back, he would try harder and do anything. However, since that is not happening, I have to continue to move on.