Miscarriage, boyfriend pushing me away and needs a break.

[Throwawaytree3532]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year. In the beginning, he only wanted to be FWB but I told him I don't do that. Then he fell for me fast and hard. He told me I'm the one and he wants to live together and marry me some day. He was really kind and loving in the beginning, and so I fell for him too.

He told me he struggled financially so we didn't go out or spend much. I've been trying to save up too so it didn't bother me at all. and I tried to support and love him by cooking for him often. I let him sleep over my place often.

Recently I was 3 months pregnant on accident and we didn't know until later on in the pregnancy. Then I miscarried shortly after. When I was pregnant, I was sad and needy and hormonal and he said it stressed him out and frustrated him alot. When I miscarried, he blamed himself and felt like a failure. I always reassured him and loved him and he did that for me too, at first...

Whenever I said how I feel, like if im feeling sad, he would start to get argumentative.

Recently he admitted to being 30k in credit card debt from impulsive buying or buying addictive hobby stuff like cards... he said he has been working 35-40 hours so he can't see me much anymore. I said that was ok, as I started working 65 hours so I'm much busier too.

2 months go by and he still hasn't had the time to see me... we live only 5 mins away. He also stopped calling me his love and became less affectionate. so I started to feel insecure and sad, asking him if we could see eachother soon. He got really frustrated with me, saying he is exhausted from work, has to clean, sleep and workout when he's not working, and that its hard to balance everything out.

Eventually he stopped being affectionate completely and started ignoring me for days. I got insecure one night and asked him if he still wants to be with me. He got more frustrated with me and said "I don't know.".... and he explained he needs a long break from us, because he cant take care of himself or me at the moment... he has to fix his problems. I said "I understand. I will always be here for you when you're ready to come back. I love and support you". He doesnt respond until a few days later, he responds with "I don't know about that. We'll see. If you find another guy too then you can go be with him"

The mixed responses made me confused, as it sounded like a break up... and the uncertainty made me anxious... so I asked him what is our break? He responds saying we're not broken up, just taking a break... and he just has to catch up on his debt and fix his life problems... then he said he doesn't know what he wants. This confused me more...

I said I don't want to see other people and that I'd like to be committed to eachother if we're taking a break... he doesnt respond for a week so i ask again "What is our break? I'm sorry I just want to communicate" to which he said "yes we will still be committed". So then I asked for clairty about the break... i said if we are taking a break to work on ourselves and come back together in a healthier headspace, then I can do that... he says "I don't know we'll see." So then I ask if he needs a break because he doesn't know how he feels about me, then I'd prefer to break up because that hurts a lot...

He responds saying "I can't have these kinds of stressful talks. You clearly don't understand the situation.. I said committed, did I not? What do you want me to do, make false promises? I just want peace and a break for ONCE. Clearly you are not willing to wait for me. I can't force you to anyway"

I applogized and said I am willing to wait, I love him, and it's just all the I don't knows confused me about the break...

He responds with "I am done talking. I am taking this break."

and that was the end of our last conversation a few days ago...

He's absolutely sick of me... he's a completely different person from when we first got together...

I'm still so confused and so scared... it's hard to sleep and I've been crying every day for the past 4 weeks. The way he's been talking to me since new years, and how he kept saying "I don't know" "i dont know what I want with you" when I tried to ask for clarity about the break... and how hes just so sick of me now, I feel like a horrible partner and am considering leaving...

Am I going about this the wrong way? What is wrong with me?

 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriage

Your boyfriend (if he deserves to be called boyfriend) is not someone you want to wait around for.   $30K in credit card debt, exhausted from working 35-40 hr week, appallingly rude to you when you ask quite reasonable questions about this break....   You could do so much better!

I imagine the thing that is wrong with you is that you're probably still grieving the loss of your baby.  And you're likely confused about your boyfriend's 'bait and switch' personality change and miss the man who you thought he was.

I cannot express my thoughts on your situation strongly enough, so I will shout DO NOT WAIT AROUND FOR THIS MAN!   Please expedite your mood from being sad and confused to being angry.    As he's made it clear that you're not to contact him, you don't actually have to have the breakup talk.   Does he have a front porch?  If so, dump anything he has left at your place on it and then block him.   If he doesn't have a porch, text him to come and get his things within 5 days or else it goes in the bin/goodwill

Please hold strong and get this dreadful man out of your life

 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Throwawaytree3532 said:

We'll see. If you find another guy too then you can go be with him"

His saying "too" means "also".  Perhaps he's seeing someone else and is trying her out before he breaks up completely with you.  No guy tells a girl they want that they can go be with another guy if they want to without having someone else lined up for themselves.

[Acacia98]

It sounds like he has broken up with you but is too cowardly to just come out and say it.

He is probably seeing someone else. Don't hang around waiting for him to come back. If you do, he will keep you as a plan B and be tremendously disrespectful and callous to you.

--

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. Please take as much time as you need to grieve. And be kind to yourself. Looking after yourself is the most important thing you can do right now.

Edited February 17 by Acacia98

[Gebidozo]

I’m very sorry about your miscarriage.

The only way to be strong and to find happiness again is to break up with this guy, block all communication with him, and try to forget him as soon as possible.  I don’t understand what you see in this irresponsible, disrespectful person. You should stop clinging to him like this, he isn’t worth it. Dump him without hesitation. There are far better men out there. 

[glows]

Sadly I think he’s still just interested in no strings sex/fwb. He was probably infatuated at the start and in limerence. Look it up. And then when you got pregnant he realized you’re really not the one or what he wants.

Did you ever ask him if he wants a family? Being in a committed relationship is usually a precursor to having children and building a family. So think about it - he’s not interested in you means he might not want a family either. you asking to be committed is triggering him and making him feel like he’s being trapped into something he doesn’t want ultimately. This is a huge lesson when dating someone you have to find out slowly over time what a person wants for themselves. I’m so sorry about the miscarriage or that you have to see what he wants /his true colours this way. 

Be very firm with yourself that you both do not want the same things. Be clear with yourself what you want out of life. Then babe just go get it! Dont let your heart break over this anymore.

[Throwawaytree3532]

32 minutes ago, glows said:

Sadly I think he’s still just interested in no strings sex/fwb. He was probably infatuated at the start and in limerence. Look it up. And then when you got pregnant he realized you’re really not the one or what he wants.

Did you ever ask him if he wants a family? Being in a committed relationship is usually a precursor to having children and building a family. So think about it - he’s not interested in you means he might not want a family either. you asking to be committed is triggering him and making him feel like he’s being trapped into something he doesn’t want ultimately. This is a huge lesson when dating someone you have to find out slowly over time what a person wants for themselves. I’m so sorry about the miscarriage or that you have to see what he wants /his true colours this way. 

Be very firm with yourself that you both do not want the same things. Be clear with yourself what you want out of life. Then babe just go get it! Dont let your heart break over this anymore.

Hello… thank you for responding to my thread. Yes He would always talk about our future, saying I’m the future mother to his children… he really was in love with me me until december…

also he reached out and texted me again a few hours ago saying “This is the last time I’m explaining it… You keep coming at me with these stressful talks when I said I just want a break. These talks take a toll on my mind and body. Everything in my life is stressing me and I need to get myself out of this debt. If I can’t take care of myself how can I take care of anyone else? I can’t give anything to you or anyone right now. The reason why I say I don’t know is because I know you deserve better. I’m telling you right now it’s going to take a long time to get back to myself again. I said already we’re taking space and still committed. If you can’t wait I understand, you deserve better anyway. Please understand. This is the last time I’m saying this. I just want some peae for once. The stress f***ing gets me. I am done talking and I am taking this break.”

I haven’t responded but what do you think of his text…? It’s not that I dont understand how stressed he is with debt, but the lack of/confusing communication when he asked for a break is what I didn’t understand… I just wanted to know what this break was, the parameters of it, etc… the way he would jump from saying “I don’t know what I want” to “I’m committed” and everything I wrote in my post confused me… I feel really guilty right now and I’m going to respect his space… but what do you think?

Edited February 17 by Throwawaytree3532

[glows]

It means he can’t be with you. It’s actually a break up. He’s just too stressed or whatever to deal with his emotions. He’s saying he doesn’t have time to deal with any of this which by the way is a glaring red flag. Him not communicating with you appropriately or being present is a HUGE RED FLAG. He’s checked out and not there anymore! He doesn’t care to keep explaining things. 

You’re in a cycle of trying to get back what you think you lost with this guy but you never had him.. someone who can do this was never in your corner in the first place. Why would you trust what he ever says again? Everything out of this persons mouth is completely out the window and unreliable. 

30k of debt is nothing either in the grand scheme. Can you imagine buying a house together and a mortgage of 1MM or 800k. wtf?? 30k?! That’s like a cheap car. A personal line of credit. The financial issue is big to him I get it but he just does not have the emotional maturity in the first place 

[glows]

I’m sorry you did mention he admitted the debt was due to irresponsible spending on “addictive hobby stuff”. Please please please take this as a huge massive red flag on fire. He might benefit from credit counselling because spending like this is an addiction and implies he could be suffering mentally/psychologically. He hyper focuses on buying and spending because it’s a form of control, a person is able to exercise control over life they otherwise feel out of control or powerless over. It’s a coping mechanism. He has to break those cycles so this isn’t just about a figure such as 30k. It’s about being able to find another way to handle stress instead of abusing credit. He may be close to declaring bankruptcy or in the process. And while it’s not the end of the world, it can have major implications in the coming years.

Edited February 17 by glows

[ShyViolet]

Wake up... this guy doesn't want to be with you and doesn't love you anymore.  You shouldn't be sitting there waiting for him.  For whatever reason he's too much of a coward to just come right out and fully break up with you, but every single action of his is showing you that he doesn't want you anymore.  Find your self-respect, stop crawling back to him, and just end this once and for all.  Why would you want to keep crawling back to a guy, asking him over and over to be with you, when he's treating you like dirt and showing you loud and clear that he doesn't want you?  It's baffling.  If he is too much of a coward to end it the right way, then you should be the one to end it.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Throwawaytree3532 said:

I said "I understand. I will always be here for you when you're ready to come back. I love and support you"

Girl, no. This is not smart. If someone is treating you like you don't matter, you don't roll out the welcome mat for them and promise it will always be there whenever (or if) they should decide to pay attention to you again. 

3 hours ago, Throwawaytree3532 said:

but what do you think?

That is relationship is over. 

He doesn't quite have the guts to outright dump you, but that's what this is. There won't be any coming back from this. He has lost interest and is now being rude and insensitive about it. You deserve a lot more than this. It's time to accept that this is done, and focus on your healing. 

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Throwawaytree3532 said:

I haven’t responded but what do you think of his text…?

I think he has broken up with you in his heart and mind but doesn’t have the guts to tell it straight to your face.

 

8 hours ago, Throwawaytree3532 said:

I feel really guilty right now and I’m going to respect his space

I hope you do much more than just “respecting his space”. I hope you remove this guy from your life.

It’s hard to understand why you’re still hoping that he will come back and clinging to him. He is a mess. He’s been treating you disrespectfully. He isn’t honest and straightforward enough with you. Not to mention his debt problems and everything else.

 

[Els]

Why are you trying so hard to be with a guy who clearly doesn't want to be with you?