Flyingkytes Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 I’ve been with my partner for the past 3 years, I’m 32 and he’s 30, and we have a 6 mo daughter together. Lately I’ve just been feeling hopeless in the relationship . I love my partner and do care for him but when it comes to bickering and our communication , it’s just not there . We bicker over the smallest issues and it just feels so exhausting since it happens more than a few times per week. And I feel like he brings out the worst in me, I feel like I’m losing myself and reacting rather than being calm in our interactions. I’ve suggested counselling to him so we can communicate better without him getting frustrated and grinding his teeth and being shitty and then me reacting back because I feel triggered by his frustration. Lately I’ve tried to stop and pause and remove myself from the situation before I feel myself triggered but then he goes and stands infront of me and prevents me from going into another room when it’s happening. I also don’t want our daughter to see or hear this either. I just feel so lost because I feel like the relationship is already over because he will never go to counselling. Why do I feel like I have to be aware of my behavior but he doesn’t have to be aware of his when it’s happening? He says it’s just automatic for him and he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. We got engaged and I don’t even feel like telling people . Eg, ) I asked him to air out the rug we just bought because it smelled funky, and I was vacuuming it. I told him I want to take it outside and give it some air from the factory , he told me that won’t work then stood infront of me so I can’t even go outside to air it out. He says he will just air it out in the basement and put baking soda on it. He was so adamant on not letting me go air it out, and legit prevented me from doing so like I was doing something horrible . almost felt like he was trying to restrict what I wanted to do and it a wasn’t even harmful … I ask him well what if this doesn’t work out, I don’t want our daughter going though this, and all he can say is that he’s not going anywhere he made a commitment and doesn’t want to be separate because he doesn’t want our daughter going through that and doesn’t believe in a broken family. But then does nothing to help make it work and improve on his end. I feel like I’m in this alone… what to do😔 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 Blocking you from exiting a room or entering creeps me out. I am so sorry to tell you this but that sounds incredibly controlling and abusive. In all my years of dating and marriage I have never been blocked of entering or leaving anywhere physically. That is the start of things potentially becoming out of control and extremely dangerous. I’m genuinely afraid for you if you try to leave this relationship considering he doesn’t want to end it. If you do choose to leave please do it quietly never letting him know your moves and do your quiet research on support for shelters for victims of domestic abuse or safehouses if you feel he will block you from leaving or stop you/restrain you physically or worse. Please be very careful. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 Please ask family members and friends you can trust to stay with you for a while, take your daughter and leave. Nothing good will come out from continuing to hope that a controlling and abusive person who clearly doesn’t want to change and sees nothing wrong in his behavior will suddenly change. You really don’t want to be with a person who, as you said, brings out the worst in you, and raise your daughter in such an environment. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 Has this been going on for the whole three years or did it start recently? Has the antagonism increased since the baby came along? His behaviour is aggressive and controlling, and you're right to take a stand before it goes any further. If he refuses to go for counselling you need to see that for what it is, people who know they're at fault will avoid the scrutiny of counselling like the plague. You don't want your child to grow up watching you being bullied, it messes kids right up. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 He sounds pretty scary to me. alarm bells are going off … be careful 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blueskies Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 On 2/17/2025 at 10:38 AM, Flyingkytes said: I’ve been with my partner for the past 3 years, I’m 32 and he’s 30, and we have a 6 mo daughter together. Lately I’ve just been feeling hopeless in the relationship . I love my partner and do care for him but when it comes to bickering and our communication , it’s just not there . We bicker over the smallest issues and it just feels so exhausting since it happens more than a few times per week. And I feel like he brings out the worst in me, I feel like I’m losing myself and reacting rather than being calm in our interactions. I’ve suggested counselling to him so we can communicate better without him getting frustrated and grinding his teeth and being shitty and then me reacting back because I feel triggered by his frustration. Lately I’ve tried to stop and pause and remove myself from the situation before I feel myself triggered but then he goes and stands infront of me and prevents me from going into another room when it’s happening. I also don’t want our daughter to see or hear this either. I just feel so lost because I feel like the relationship is already over because he will never go to counselling. Why do I feel like I have to be aware of my behavior but he doesn’t have to be aware of his when it’s happening? He says it’s just automatic for him and he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. We got engaged and I don’t even feel like telling people . Eg, ) I asked him to air out the rug we just bought because it smelled funky, and I was vacuuming it. I told him I want to take it outside and give it some air from the factory , he told me that won’t work then stood infront of me so I can’t even go outside to air it out. He says he will just air it out in the basement and put baking soda on it. He was so adamant on not letting me go air it out, and legit prevented me from doing so like I was doing something horrible . almost felt like he was trying to restrict what I wanted to do and it a wasn’t even harmful … I ask him well what if this doesn’t work out, I don’t want our daughter going though this, and all he can say is that he’s not going anywhere he made a commitment and doesn’t want to be separate because he doesn’t want our daughter going through that and doesn’t believe in a broken family. But then does nothing to help make it work and improve on his end. I feel like I’m in this alone… what to do😔 You certainly do not deserve to be treated like he is treating you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 24 Share Posted February 24 (edited) Look, there is no shame is realizing you are in a bad relationship and have to get out. Yes even with a baby daughter, it makes sense to do everything you can to escape living with this abusing, controlling guy. Start sharing honestly with the best people you know. You need lots of support from friends, relatives, coworkers, religious authorities, therapists, anyone! It helps to have support when we're trying to escape a bad relationship. We might feel shame, might think Oh, maybe I'm exaggerating. You are not! That's why we need supportive, encouraging friends. Edited February 24 by Lotsgoingon Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 24 Share Posted February 24 (edited) On 2/17/2025 at 10:38 AM, Flyingkytes said: all he can say is that he’s not going anywhere he made a commitment As the saying goes, would he rather be happy or would he rather be right? Because right now, he is choosing to be right and he is prepared to suffer until the bitter end because - he made a commitment to do so. That would not be the kind of marriage that I would want for myself or my children. And that would be exactly what I would tell him when I asked him to go to counselling. His unwillingness to attend counselling speaks volumes and it would be a huge problem for me. He may not be willing to attend marriage counselling but if you have the resources to attend I do ideal counselling, I would strongly advise you to do so. Talking with an independent third party will give you a different perspective and perhaps some new tools to either improve the situation or make a different decision for yourself - depending on what is most appropriate. Edited February 24 by BaileyB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 24 Share Posted February 24 16 minutes ago, BaileyB said: if you have the resources to attend I do ideal counselling Apologies, that should say individual counselling. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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