The pain of the breakup starting to out last the relationship

[Waltz]

Hi all,

So I met someone at a party at a few months ago who was planning on moving back to my city. We hit it off really well and kinda did some LDR stuff before I flew over to visit her. Initially it went amazing and I caught feelings for her pretty fast, and she made it clear she wanted to be serious with me. I usually struggle to form an attraction to someone, this being the third person in my life that I've had an actual attraction towards.

However in the final few days of me visiting I could sense her pull back and appear and become distant and a little cold. I'm incredibly familiar with rejection from casual app dating at this point, so I asked her to meet up on my final day for a coffee hoping that would be the ideal place and time for her to dump me, but it seemed she was still very interested in me as it ended in us spending the day together.

Fast forward to a few days later and I get a text message from her saying she's got too much stress going on with various things in her life and couldn't do a relationship, so she dumped me. I was supportive towards her but also told her I needed to go no contact for a little bit to process it all which she initially agreed to, before sending me a bunch of messages about how she missed me, which I foolishly indulged only for her to dump me again a few days later (over text again, before sending me a drunk I miss you message on New Years).

The last time I contacted her was a month ago after she moved to my city, when I asked her to meet up in person to properly talk things over and cement the breakup, with her still insisting she just wasn't in the right headspace for it with some other dramas going in her personal life that we didn't go too deeply into. All up the breakup turned into a month long ordeal from all the hot and cold stuff that went on.

It's gotten to the point that the break up was two months ago, and it's starting to be almost as long ago as the duration of the relationship itself. Despite all that I'm still stuck in a doom loop of misery, anger, jealously at the vague idea she'll move on and date other people, and resentment towards myself for letting myself get vulnerable like that in the first place. It's a struggle to eat, sleep, or even get out of bed and it's become an all consuming part of my life.

Objectively it's over, with almost no chance she has any interest in reconcilling, but it's impossible for me to let go of the delussional hope that somehow things will be magically fixed.

Therapy isn't really helping, and if anything it feels like I'm going backwards. I impuslively decided to do some volunteering overseas early next month, but in practice I'm doing it less out of altruism and more just as my usual coping mechanism of just leaving everything behind when things gets really bad for me mentally.

I honestly have no clue what to do anymore.

 

 

Edited Wednesday at 05:51 AM by Waltz

[glows]

41 minutes ago, Waltz said:

Hi all,

So I met someone at a party at a few months ago who was planning on moving back to my city. We hit it off really well and kinda did some LDR stuff before I flew over to visit her. Initially it went amazing and I caught feelings for her pretty fast, and she made it clear she wanted to be serious with me. I usually struggle to form an attraction to someone, this being the third person in my life that I've had an actual attraction towards.

However in the final few days of me visiting I could sense her pull back and appear and become distant and a little cold. I'm incredibly familiar with rejection from casual app dating at this point, so I asked her to meet up on my final day for a coffee hoping that would be the ideal place and time for her to dump me, but it seemed she was still very interested in me as it ended in us spending the day together.

Fast forward to a few days later and I get a text message from her saying she's got too much stress going on with various things in her life and couldn't do a relationship, so she dumped me. I was supportive towards her but also told her I needed to go no contact for a little bit to process it all which she initially agreed to, before sending me a bunch of messages about how she missed me, which I foolishly indulged only for her to dump me again a few days later (over text again, before sending me a drunk I miss you message on New Years).

The last time I contacted her was a month ago after she moved to my city, when I asked her to meet up in person to properly talk things over and cement the breakup, with her still insisting she just wasn't in the right headspace for it with some other dramas going in her personal life that we didn't go too deeply into. All up the breakup turned into a month long ordeal from all the hot and cold stuff that went on.

It's gotten to the point that the break up was two months ago, and it's starting to be almost as long ago as the duration of the relationship itself. Despite all that I'm still stuck in a doom loop of misery, anger, jealously at the vague idea she'll move on and date other people, and resentment towards myself for letting myself get vulnerable like that in the first place. It's a struggle to eat, sleep, or even get out of bed and it's become an all consuming part of my life.

Objectively it's over, with almost no chance she has any interest in reconcilling, but it's impossible for me to let go of the delussional hope that somehow things will be magically fixed.

Therapy isn't really helping, and if anything it feels like I'm going backwards. I impuslively decided to do some volunteering overseas early next month, but in practice I'm doing it less out of altruism and more just as my usual coping mechanism of just leaving everything behind when things gets really bad for me mentally.

I honestly have no clue what to do anymore.

 

 

Ok I see you’re feeling down and emotional but also a bit too hard on yourself. So go and volunteer and don’t worry about not feeling altruistic. Make the most of the experience and put your heart into it. Just because it feels like it got squashed doesn’t mean it isn’t still there. You’re still you and you can go and volunteer. It might teach you something about yourself too even if your head is all clouded up right now. 

As for this lady I’m sorry it didn’t work out and that she gave you so many mixed messages. Now you know a clean cut is best. This is a lesson. Just find the lesson, take it with you and be firm with yourself about not staying in contact. Also tell yourself not all women are like this. Not all people give mixed messages or don’t keep their word or change so quickly. There are people who keep their word. You can get through this. It’s one day at a time and being firm and reasonable with yourself. 
 

Edited Wednesday at 06:23 AM by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Waltz said:

Therapy isn't really helping

What sorts of things has your therapist suggested? 

For what it's worth, I don't think this is only about this specific break-up. It seems this has nudged some latent and underlying struggles to the surface and you're feeling the full effects of that now. I am sorry you're struggling so much. 

[Waltz]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Ok I see you’re feeling down and emotional but also a bit too hard on yourself. So go and volunteer and don’t worry about not feeling altruistic. Make the most of the experience and put your heart into it. Just because it feels like it got squashed doesn’t mean it isn’t still there. You’re still you and you can go and volunteer. It might teach you something about yourself too even if your head is all clouded up right now. 

As for this lady I’m sorry it didn’t work out and that she gave you so many mixed messages. Now you know a clean cut is best. This is a lesson. Just find the lesson, take it with you and be firm with yourself about not staying in contact. Also tell yourself not all women are like this. Not all people give mixed messages or don’t keep their word or change so quickly. There are people who keep their word. You can get through this. It’s one day at a time and being firm and reasonable with yourself. 
 

I don't believe all women are like this, but after doing this garbage of lurking dating apps and going on dates for like a decade it's safe to say the common demoninator is me, I'm just undateable.

I'm be sure to get into whatever the non misogynistic self reflective version of inceldom is.

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What sorts of things has your therapist suggested? 

For what it's worth, I don't think this is only about this specific break-up. It seems this has nudged some latent and underlying struggles to the surface and you're feeling the full effects of that now. I am sorry you're struggling so much. 

So far just the generic cliches you'd find on a Reddit support group; drink water, go out, be social, etc... Following that advice is easier said than done when it feels like I'm constantly on the verge of a public emotional breakdown. But yeah there is definitely a kernal of truth that there's a lot more going on with me, it was incredibly difficult because I disclosed some awful stuff that happened to me as a teenager which I never felt comfortable telling anyone else before.

 

Edited Wednesday at 09:38 AM by Waltz

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, Waltz said:

So far just the generic cliches you'd find on a Reddit support group; drink water, go out, be social, etc..

You need a new therapist in that case. They should be offering more than that. 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Waltz said:

I'm be sure to get into whatever the non misogynistic self reflective version of inceldom is.

Even the non-misogynistic self-reflective version of inceldom is horrible. It promotes self pity, discourages spiritual growth, and damages the soul and the mind.

Ask yourself this question: are you truly the best possible version of yourself right now? Or do you still have something to aspire to, work on, achieve? If so, then do just that. It’s not about going out and being social, it’s about training yourself mentally and spiritually, learning, growing, becoming stronger, tougher, kinder, better. Focus on work, on hobbies, on things to do. Learn new things, and above all learn to like yourself more.

[flitzanu]

this wasn't mentioned, but are you stalking her social media?

if you are, you should consider blocking her on everything so you can stop keeping track of her life.  block everywhere, out of sight out of mind.

i know that doesn't cure the issue but just in case you haven't taken these steps yet.

also her excuses are not something you should hold on to, "not in a good headspace" = is just a nonsense excuse for not being into it, so don't consider her coming back, you just weren't compatible.

 

[Waltz]

3 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

this wasn't mentioned, but are you stalking her social media?

if you are, you should consider blocking her on everything so you can stop keeping track of her life.  block everywhere, out of sight out of mind.

i know that doesn't cure the issue but just in case you haven't taken these steps yet.

also her excuses are not something you should hold on to, "not in a good headspace" = is just a nonsense excuse for not being into it, so don't consider her coming back, you just weren't compatible.

 

Fortunately she isn't a big social media person so there isn't really anything for me to stalk online even if I wanted to.

But yeah definitely, it's one of those cases where I'm pretty sure she just wasn't into it but lacked the maturity to be straight up about it. The little part of me that can still think logically says it's done, but all the stupid games of "will they won't they" that were played for a month has really done a number on me.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, Waltz said:

I'm be sure to get into whatever the non misogynistic self reflective version of inceldom is.

The whole concept of 'incel' is that a man is entitled to sex, and this view is inherently misogynisitic

Perhaps what you're looking for is "struggling to find a girlfriend" or "long term single"

[Waltz]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

The whole concept of 'incel' is that a man is entitled to sex, and this view is inherently misogynisitic

Perhaps what you're looking for is "struggling to find a girlfriend" or "long term single"

Interestingly the term Incel came from a blogger in the 90s to describe her own feelings of loneliness as she figured out her sexual identity. It was borderline a noble support network for lonely souls before it was gradually warped into the 4chan school shooter idealogy. It's honestly a shame that the only mainstream way for online people to express growing feelings of alienation and trouble connecting with people is through a misognyistic nihilism.

Edited yesterday at 02:53 AM by Waltz

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Waltz said:

It's honestly a shame that the only mainstream way for online people to express growing feelings of alienation and trouble connecting with people is through a misognyistic nihilism.

It's not the only mainstream way.  People still talk to friends and/r post on non-incel forums

[Acacia98]

19 hours ago, Waltz said:

I don't believe all women are like this, but after doing this garbage of lurking dating apps and going on dates for like a decade it's safe to say the common demoninator is me, I'm just undateable.

I don't see how you arrive at the conclusion that you're undateable. In this case, it sounds like the woman had issues and there were clear signs of that. You should have broken up with her and steered clear of her, but you didn't. So she ended up hurting you and toying with your feelings.

Your big mistake here was not being undateable; it was failing to break up when you saw the trainwreck coming. That doesn't make you a failure. Rather, it means there's a few skills you need to learn. You have the right instincts. Now you need to learn how to trust your instincts, how to love and want to protect yourself, and how to begin the process of letting go of a bad match.

I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope time and distance will allow you to heal. Personally, when I've been in similar circumstances, taking the time to understand why the other person did what they did and why I did what I did has helped me process the experience and move on. 

Edited yesterday at 05:38 AM by Acacia98

[Waltz]

Hey, just an update since this thread has become my personal journal for this whole ordeal at this stage; but I did reach out to her and exchanged a couple messages.

Basically I explained that the ambiguity of the breakup was weighing me down and I really needed to get some closure on this with the reason why she wanted the breakup (Her own stuff going on versus her just not being into me). She did admit that in hindsight it was more just her not being into me, which while it hurts a little, it felt liberating for me to hear before I make some big life changes next month.

In the coming week or so I'll see how I feel mentally when I've had time to process this a bit more, but for now it's nice to just know it's over over and no amount of mental gymnastics can change that now.

Thanks for everyone who's sent through their advice and support.