She thinks I ghosted her!

[seth1337]

Me (m36) and her (f28) have been seeing each other for a little while now, but nothing official as in bf and gf! we started hanging out about 8 months ago and everything was great, she would stay over, we would watch movies and generally enjoy each others company, about a month ago, the text exchanges have taken a nose dive, on her part, less and less each time, very closed off replies, wont text first, all that good stuff!

a few weeks ago, she wasnt feeling herself, so i didnt try and push anything to see her or whatever because she had already told me why, i wont explain because its not my place.

but we barely text, we have never done phone calls so i get that and i agree with it at the moment. a couple weekends ago, i sent her about 6 messages just hoping to hear something back from her and in a 24 hour period i got one response.

about a week ago, i didnt message her for 2 days because i had a really bad migraine, i also didnt tell her, i spent 2 days trying to sleep and watching tv on low volume and brightness. when i felt it started to fine some other host it could go and infect, i decided to message her asking her how she has been (she didnt message me at all over those 2 days) as the conversation progressed, i explained that i was sorry i hadnt replied to her and told her why, she was understandably annoyed and i am not going to try and dismiss her feelings regarding it, but she didnt accept my apology and has now asked me for some time so she can think things through, so am i the a**h*** for not messaging her for 2 days and did i ghost her?

any help would be appreciated!

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, seth1337 said:

but she didnt accept my apology and has now asked me for some time so she can think things through

Think what through? You two are not dating. What is there to think through, exactly? I ask because after 8 months things have not progressed, apparently. So she'd essentially only be "thinking" about whether or not to continue this non-dating you two have going on. 

It sounds to me like she's already been drifting away and didn't know how to tell you she's losing interest, so she's choosing this as her possible exit. But she can make it seem like it's all your fault rather than being honest that she isn't feeling it anymore anyway. 

But  is this situation honestly that fulfilling for you at this point? Did you not want to move things forward with her? If not, why not? And if so, why haven't you? 

 

[seth1337]

You're not the only one who says that to be honest! I do know she is having a few issues, as i stated, it's not my place to say what it is.

I would rather she just tell me and be done with it, however we are talking more now than we were over the weekend!

It is fulfilling, because when we are together everything is amazing, we laugh, we chat, we cuddle, she has shown me what it's like to actually have someone care about you and noy what you can do for them, my exs used me for either a ride or money!

I haven't taken things further because I don't want to be pushy with her, she's also had a lot of bad stuff from previous people and I'm not like that anyway! Just trying to take things at her pace really

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, seth1337 said:

I haven't taken things further because I don't want to be pushy with her

There's a vast difference between being too pushy, and being soneone's filler until their next relationship. You're placing yourself in the latter category. That's not to say you should push her, but dude, it's been 8 months. That's not pushy-territory. That's I'd-like-to-stop-wasting-my-time territory. 

7 minutes ago, seth1337 said:

Just trying to take things at her pace really

My guy, let me tell you something about us ladies. If we haven't indicated after 8 months that we would like more, it means it's not going to happen. She for some reason doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. You are aware of this, right? 

9 minutes ago, seth1337 said:

my exs used me for either a ride or money!

But it's okay to use you for attention and affection when it suits her? 

10 minutes ago, seth1337 said:

I do know she is having a few issues, as i stated, it's not my place to say what it is.

I didn't ask. That's because I doubt they are that relevant to the bigger picture, which is that after this long, you two haven't gotten any closer. You are still not her boyfriend. It's okay if you truly don't want to be, by the way. Casual has its place.

 But if you are hoping for a relationship with her, I am afraid you are going to be disappointed when she starts actually dating someone. 

[seth1337]

I get that, and that's why I have set my own limit on her thinking things through to Sunday evening, if she is still undecided, then I'll end it there, I hung on to my previous partner for 4 years hoping things would be different and they stayed the same!

I know she is a very mistrusting person as well as suspicious, so me not texting her first 2 days may have come across as I didn't care I guess? I don't know! 

From what i can gather, her interest in my started off really high, then it just started to dwindle, at least that's how it felt to me, it's a difficult situation to explain to be honest lol

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, seth1337 said:

I haven't taken things further because I don't want to be pushy with her

It’s not about being pushy or not, it’s about knowing where you stand.

For example, if she said “We’re official, I’m your girlfriend, but I’m not ready to live together / get married / have kids”, then yes, asking her to do any of those things would be pushy behavior.

But knowing what kind of a relationship you’re having is a basic thing. And 8 months of hanging together and having a sexual relationship without labeling themselves GF / BF is venturing into FWB territory.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, seth1337 said:

I know she is a very mistrusting person as well as suspicious, so me not texting her first 2 days may have come across as I didn't care I guess? I don't know! 

But you are also not her boyfriend. She can't it both ways. You are allowed to not text her for 2 days, for heaven's sake.  She's being dramatic and again I suspect it's because she wants to put a stop to this without being the bad guy. 

10 hours ago, seth1337 said:

From what i can gather, her interest in my started off really high, then it just started to dwindle, at least that's how it felt to me, it's a difficult situation to explain to be honest lol

No, not really. It's very typical. One person doesn't actually want to date the other, so they do the non-couple dance for a while until one meets someone else or otherwise loses interest. Nothing difficult about it, except for the person who isn't ready to face the truth (that they are never going to be a couple) and isn't ready to let go. That would be you, in tis case. 

[seth1337]

See that's what I thought, we're not together officially, so me not texting her wouldn't cause that much of an issue!

As far as me ghosting her, I was understandably the impression that ghosting someone involved them reach out to you and you ignoring them, she didn't text me at all during the 2 days, so there was nothing to ignore, therefore, no ghosting? I could be wrong though!

I've been in situations like this before and hung on for months, I wont do it again, I think I've Sunday rolls around and she is still undecided, I will decide for her!

[ExpatInItaly]

53 minutes ago, seth1337 said:

As far as me ghosting her, I was understandably the impression that ghosting someone involved them reach out to you and you ignoring them, she didn't text me at all during the 2 days, so there was nothing to ignore, therefore, no ghosting? I could be wrong though!

Don't bother yourself into the picking apart the exact definition of ghosting. It's beside the point. 

The point is that she isn't your girlfriend. You are not in a relationship with her, so she is being ridiculous to have the expectation that you will write her everyday - especially when she'd been displaying obvious signs of waning interest on her part. 

55 minutes ago, seth1337 said:

've been in situations like this before and hung on for months, I wont do it again

That's good. So ask yourself, what will you do differently next time so you don't wind up in this situation yet again? 

[seth1337]

I'm not picking it apart, I'm just trying to understand the term myself, it's not something that was widely used when I started dating in general!

Well, if it doesn't work out the way I want it to, then i will communicate with whoever is next, and if it does work out the way I want it to, then I will communicate with her.

My gut feeling is, she wants out and was looking to make me the bad person for it, I'm used to playing the villain, so it'll be no different for me

[flitzanu]

12 hours ago, seth1337 said:

See that's what I thought, we're not together officially, so me not texting her wouldn't cause that much of an issue!

As far as me ghosting her, I was understandably the impression that ghosting someone involved them reach out to you and you ignoring them, she didn't text me at all during the 2 days, so there was nothing to ignore, therefore, no ghosting? I could be wrong though!

I've been in situations like this before and hung on for months, I wont do it again, I think I've Sunday rolls around and she is still undecided, I will decide for her!

you didn't do anything wrong here.  

she didn't text you for those 2 whole days.  you could just as easily pull the same blame on her that she "ghosted you" (which...ghosting is generally a person completely vanishing never to respond again, and not related to just not talking for a couple days and then talking again).

and sorry to say...but whatever hangups she has or trust issues or blah blah that's her issue not yours.  it isn't your place to cater to her and walk on eggshells, if she has such issues she could get therapy to help her, that's not your job.

it's been 8 months, if you want a real committed relationship with her, then ask her.  if she says anything but "yes" then consider her answer a "no"

[seth1337]

Well, funny you should reply, because I text her this morning and she hasn't replied, it's been over 12 hours, I know what she had planned today and I do currently know what she is doing at the moment, so I'm going to drop her one last message and if she doesn't respond, I'll have my answer!

Considering we were "casual" i think the whole ghosting thing is a bit uncalled for, there's no commitment there, not through lack of trying, so I don't understand it!

[basil67]

2 hours ago, seth1337 said:

there's no commitment there, not through lack of trying,

Were you trying for commitment?   

[seth1337]

I am still trying to get that commitment, but I also need to be patient because of her situation right now, besides, we're still not really talking as normal at the moment, so I don't want to push anything!

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, seth1337 said:

I am still trying to get that commitment, but I also need to be patient because of her situation right now, besides, we're still not really talking as normal at the moment, so I don't want to push anything!

NOOOOO....If she wanted commitment, you'd already have it.   If you meet a woman and haven't progressed to a relationship before 8-12 weeks, it's not going to happen.   I generally dislike this word because it gets so overused/misused, but you're being a simp.

You speak of exes who just wanted rides and money.  Were you actually in relationships with them?   What was the story there?   (I'm asking in order to try and figure out how we can advise you what to look for when you're in early stages with a woman)

 

Edited Thursday at 10:35 PM by basil67

[seth1337]

With the greatest of respects, I know her past is tainted with a**h***s, so she has a hard time trusting anyway, she has given me no clear indication that she doesn't want commitment.

As far as my exes go, I was in relationships with them, I even moved in with one, she would go through my phone, accuse me if cheating, get really aggressive if she didn't have any money, she didn't work either, she would ask me to take her places and if I said no, she would throw a fit, she would tell me she had met someone else, the tell me to pull my finger out before she walked, it was a real shitshow! So far, this one hasn't been like that, it's just this one time, I just want her to forgive me or forget me, I just want to know really!

[basil67]

1 hour ago, seth1337 said:

With the greatest of respects, I know her past is tainted with a**h***s, so she has a hard time trusting anyway, she has given me no clear indication that she doesn't want commitment. 

As far as my exes go, I was in relationships with them, I even moved in with one, she would go through my phone, accuse me if cheating, get really aggressive if she didn't have any money, she didn't work either, she would ask me to take her places and if I said no, she would throw a fit, she would tell me she had met someone else, the tell me to pull my finger out before she walked, it was a real shitshow! So far, this one hasn't been like that, it's just this one time, I just want her to forgive me or forget me, I just want to know really!

Why would she discuss commitment with you if you haven't put it on the table as an option?   The only way to find out how she feels is to have a conversation.....because at this point, it sounds like there's barely a friendship with you.  Seriously, go back and read your opening post and tell us why you think she's interested. And tell us why you're interested in someone who's like this with you

As for your past, history seems to be repeating itself. It seems you're running headfirst into having a another relationship with a mess of a woman with trust issues.  Re-read your opening post and tell me why this is the kind of woman you want as a relationship partner?   

 

Edited yesterday at 12:36 AM by basil67

[seth1337]

I have put commitment on the table, we spoke about it and she told me about her past relationships and that she doesn't trust anyone, not fully anyway! Everything started off great, she said that she had been through some bad stuff and she felt like she was being rewarded because she found me, I genuinely care about her! She has shown me what it's like to have someone that isn't interested in your money or the things you can do for them, but me as a person, I understand why she is annoyed, I didn't communicate with her about having a migraine and given her past. I understand her reaction to it, I just want to know what I can do to try and make it better 🤷‍♂️

Edited yesterday at 07:22 AM by seth1337

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/21/2025 at 8:22 AM, seth1337 said:

understand why she is annoyed, I didn't communicate with her about having a migraine and given her past. I understand her reaction to it,

Her reaction is silly and immature, not to mention entitled. 

You two aren't dating.  You don't need to give her health status updates. You don't need to speak to her every day. This isn't because of "her past." Come on. If you were a real couple and you disappeared for a couple days, I could maybe grant you that. But you're not a couple and she's still expecting you behave like a boyfriend when it suits her. And she is going to pumsih you like this? Please. 

This is because she already wanted to pull away from you and she prefers to make it your fault. 

On 2/21/2025 at 8:22 AM, seth1337 said:

I just want to know what I can do to try and make it better

So you can continue to be her surrogate boyfriend? 

On 2/20/2025 at 11:38 PM, seth1337 said:

I just want her to forgive me or forget me, I just want to know really!

Are you not capable of deciding for yourself that this is enough? 

On 2/20/2025 at 11:26 PM, seth1337 said:

I am still trying to get that commitment

It's not going to happen if it hasn't happened by now. 

On 2/20/2025 at 11:26 PM, seth1337 said:

but I also need to be patient because of her situation right now

What, is she dating soneone else already? You keep mentioning this like it's some huge barrier that must not be spoken of. What is this big situation that prohibits her from dating you? 

[seth1337]

I completely agree with you, it is a silly reaction, seeing as, again you're right, we are not a couple, it was still casual, still fresh and still new, no commitment there other than me saying I wouldn't sleep with other people. Maybe she does want to make it my fault and if that's the case, then so be it!

 

I don't want to continue being her surrogate boyfriend at all, I want to be her boyfriend!

I've decided to ask her again tomorrow and if she says the same thing, then I'm going to stop communicating with her, end of!

 

Her past has been littered with abusive, cheating boyfriends and she has a lot of trauma from it, not to mention she lost a family member not that long ago and has had serious episodes of depression, she is currently in one and I don't want to make things worse for her because I'm not a complete Ahole. To me, that falls under the category of being selfish and not taking her into account at all. I'm not like her past boyfriends, I'm not her boyfriend, I actually care about her alot!