irresolute Posted February 20 Share Posted February 20 Hello, long story short, I developed a crush on one of my managers at work. He’s great. I trust him, he is smart, empathetic, silly… he’s sexy. Since he’s not my direct manager, I randomly have to contact him or him having to contact me. It could be months before I interact with him. This was not like this is the past, when I helped and did shifts for his program on a daily basis for many months. I also had a weekly meeting with him but not anymore as this was a meeting fit new employees that he leaded and I’m no longer new. so, I don’t interact with him anymore nor do I have to contact him for anything, yet there’s a monthly meeting that he leads and I feel crushed when I see him on the screen. I also feel crushed when his name appears fit random reason or someone mentions him. I dream about him at night. I hope that, when I go to the office, I will see him walking (his office is next to mine ugh) but it has never been the case in the past 6 months or so. we used to meet randomly in the corridor a couple times a week before. Not anymore. I need to stop this feeling. I feel heartbroken because I like him, I wish he would talk to me, I wish things were different. But they’re not. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 20 Share Posted February 20 Yes, you do need to stop this as you're only hurting yourself. Unfortunately, time is generally the only way to get over a crush, so just ride it out Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 (edited) The fact I have to attend these monthly meetings, and hear his name randomly is killing me. What can I do? Edited February 21 by irresolute Typo Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 Give yourself a good talking-to 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 You've been hung up on this guy for years, right? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 Know that when any guy is really interested - he would make effort to ask you date you! He hasn’t - so he’s not interested. so move forward and go on dates with available guys. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 26 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: You've been hung up on this guy for years, right? One year Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 22 minutes ago, S2B said: Know that when any guy is really interested - he would make effort to ask you date you! He hasn’t - so he’s not interested. so move forward and go on dates with available guys. You’re so right. He may not be interested. And also, he’s one of my managers, so it’s not appropriate for him to ask me out… Quote Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 This usually is symptomatic of lack of support network and peers. You mention admirable attributes like smart and silly. He’s attractive because he seems witty and lwhat you would want to see in an intellectual and balanced partner. My first q is what is your friend and professional network like? Are you surrounded or have people on your level you can bounce back and forth with on different topics? And if you say no you’re in the majority as many people, once out of school, lose touch with peers. My suggestion if that’s the case is join professional groups and networks. Volunteer. He may be a good example of a good human being but he shouldn’t be the only one like that in your circle or network. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 It may also be a case of the power dynamic adding to the intrigue. Do you often find yourself drawn to "impossible" people? In this particular case there's not much you can do no, I think the only option is limit your interactions with him where possible and remind yourself it's not appropriate to pursue it given the circumstances. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 4 hours ago, FredEire said: It may also be a case of the power dynamic adding to the intrigue. Do you often find yourself drawn to "impossible" people? In this particular case there's not much you can do no, I think the only option is limit your interactions with him where possible and remind yourself it's not appropriate to pursue it given the circumstances. You got this right. Yes, I always get drawn to unavailable men. I’ve been trying to avoid looking at him while we’re at the meeting, but I cannot mute him as I need to listen to what he says as he’s delivering news about the company, new changes etc. I’m going to try to stop myself each time I think about him. It’s tough, because I dream about him often and this leads to me feeling despair. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 19 minutes ago, irresolute said: You got this right. Yes, I always get drawn to unavailable men. I’ve been trying to avoid looking at him while we’re at the meeting, but I cannot mute him as I need to listen to what he says as he’s delivering news about the company, new changes etc. I’m going to try to stop myself each time I think about him. It’s tough, because I dream about him often and this leads to me feeling despair. Yeah, it's something I struggle with too, it's pretty common. It might be worth in a more general sense investigating why circumstances like this draw you in so much. It could be that you associate that agony and uncertainty with attraction. If this manager had just been some guy you met in a bar would you be as into him? You might think that it's an obvious yes but the real answer might surprise you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author irresolute Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 (edited) 6 hours ago, FredEire said: Yeah, it's something I struggle with too, it's pretty common. It might be worth in a more general sense investigating why circumstances like this draw you in so much. It could be that you associate that agony and uncertainty with attraction. If this manager had just been some guy you met in a bar would you be as into him? You might think that it's an obvious yes but the real answer might surprise you. Well, he was in the panel of people who interviewed me for this job. It’s funny, because he was smiling a lot in that interview and I was thinking how weird and affected he looked, like a creepy doll. I didn’t even considered being attracted to him, at all! and then he started to be very nice to me, sending me random messages, asking he yo do random things. He was very critical of me as well, I felt he was micromanaging and judging me and that I had to prove him that I was worth it. I still feel like this, every interaction we have, he looks at me with critical eyes. He randomly changes with me, I think that’s what gets me think in g about him, that I never know what he thinks of me Edited February 21 by irresolute Typo Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 I say why not write him a note? Don't confess to a crush. Just say how much you enjoyed talking to him and running into him in the past and say you'd like to meet him for lunch sometime. I'm different from a lot of posters here. I've worked at places where workers dated each other and people were quite mature about it. And as I moved around in my early company, I would stop running into friends from a previous unit. But we'd keep in touch via lunch and so on. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 28 minutes ago, irresolute said: Well, he was in the panel of people who interviewed me for this job. It’s funny, because he was smiling a lot in that interview and I was thinking how weird and affected he looked, like a creepy doll. I didn’t even considered being attracted to him, at all! and then he started to be very nice to me, sending me random messages, asking he yo do random things. He was very critical of me as well, I felt he was micromanaging and judging me and that I had to prove him that I was worth it. I still feel like this, every interaction we have, he looks at me with critical eyes. He randomly changes with me, I think that’s what gets me think in g about him, that I never know what he thinks of me Well there you go. Pay attention to that, that's important. It seems like maybe you associate attraction with a feeling of having to "win" someone's affection or approval. Which of course isn't helpful because in a healthy situation your potential partner would be someone who clicks with you and approves of you from the off. I only say this because I'd say that the same dynamic might be there with more realistic partners as well, i.e. not your boss. With the professional dynamic in this situation there's not really much to say about it other than you just have to move on from it, but working on the why you like this guy so much in particular might be more fruitful. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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