Recently Separated and Depressed

[Darin]

I've only been reading the forums for a couple days, and only registered today. I appreciate the advice people give and hope that I can get some good advice for my situation.

 

My girlfriend and I were not engaged, but I certainly was ready to marry her any day and feel in my heart that type of bond. Just for informative purposes, I am 26 years old, she is 24.

 

We have been together for almost 4 years, and (I know this will be the first "red flag") we met on the internet. After about 4 months of knowing eachother, visiting (she flew to my home once, I to hers, and we met several times in a city between ours [st. Louis -> Atlanta]) I moved to Atlanta, by the graces of my employer having an opening. When I moved down initially I rented a place from a person, and she stayed at her house -- though I spent most of my nights there, etc. We eventually moved in together about 2 years ago.

 

I am in love with her, I love our relationship. We have two kittens, and both agreed that our "family" was beautiful and growing. I love her parents, they have truly been like family to me -- since I have moved so far from my family and my friends. I love her strengths as much as I cherish her weaknesses, she is the most beautiful woman in my world, my best friend, and so much more.

 

Well, I know that she's been unhappy in our relationship for a couple months. She tells me that she has done this before with her previous boyfriend (who she dated for a bout 2 years, almost 2 years before we met). Apparently, she feels like she gets "bored" in the relationship, and then feels trapped. There's a lot more to it though.

 

She says she's not attracted to me anymore. She met another person, online, and she talks to him often -- and now has admitted that she feels like she may have "feelings" for him, which is what started our separation. She says she wants to figure out what she wants, etc, and has admited to wanting to date this guy.

 

Now, before you all scream "Affair!" I agree, and so does she, that she has been emotionaly unavailable to me for at least a month. She also admits that her emotional wandering is infedility, in one fashion, and is apparently very upset at the fact that she did that to us.

 

The other thing you may want to know is that, despite living together for 2 years and being together 4, we have never had sex. I am not a virgin, but she believes in saving sex for marriage. I have supported her (obviously) despite living together, etc.

 

I guess, especially in writing this, that I feel inside that this is completely over. I feel like maybe things were too rushed in the beginning, and that maybe since I moved her it put pressure onto her for the last couple of years that she had to stay with me. I know she cares for me greatly, we have had several cry sessions together over the last week and she says that she is scared to leave because she is afraid she's wrong about her feelings and that I won't ever be able to forgive her.

 

I suppose my question is, is there any hope left? I want to hope, more than anything in the world. I want to hope this will help not only affirm her feelings for me, but also help us devlope into a marriage that I have wanted so badly.

 

The lease on our apartment is up in march, and if things haven't progressed I am likely to move back to St. Louis. At the moment, my depression is multiplied by the fact that I lost my job 2 months ago, and with it most of my friends have disapeared (as they were mostly work friends that weren't really my friends, outside of work -- I spent 99.9% of my effort and thoughts on her, not finding real friends -- and she did the same with me, both of her best friends from high school have moved away and are now married). Also, I am depressed without anyone to really talk with (in person), nor anyone to hug or cry on, and all I really want is for her to come back so I can cry and hold onto her.

 

I also fear, greatly, that if I do move back, and her feelings change, that we won't be able to repair our relationship due to the space between us. I feel that moving back would be like burning all bridges that remain, and since I love her so, I am deathly afraid of that.

 

Oh another thing. Unfortunately, due to my loss of job, the job I have right now is not paying nearly as much as I was making, but it was money while I look for a job in the same payscale as mine (though now I wonder if I shouldn't wait until after march comes and goes).

 

The bad side to that is that she has agreed to pay half of the bills still, until I get on my feet. That really eliminates any ability to NC, though I think NC would probably be the only thing that would "work". From 2 years ago til 2 months ago I paid ALL bills in the house, the only thing she paid was her own car payment and insurance.

 

Thanks for your time, again.

[Darin]

*hears crickets chirping*

 

No advice?

 

Here's an email that I got yesterday:

 

"If it's anything I hate worse about what's happening, it's the fact that I know that I'm hurting the person that I care about so much, and that I don't know what's going to happen.

 

All I know is that for a while now, I've been ignoring the gap that's been present in my feelings/relationship with you. Something is leaving me feeling unfulfilled, and one way or the other, I've realized that it's time for me to discover or figure out how to find that happiness. This doesn't mean that you were not ever good enough for me or were ever a bad person - each person just needs something different. I just really need to figure out a lot of things...

 

I still care about you deeply, but I don't want to give you false hope when I'm not sure if there is any. I'm really scared because on one hand, I do want to date and see what my options are on the outside, but on the other hand, I still care about you and worry that one day I'll have realized that I made the wrong decision with you and I can't turn back. I'm so very selfish and I know that. Please forgive me.

 

As for your loneliness, please don't feel that way. I understand if you want to move home (I would too), but while you're here, there are still people who care deeply about you and always will - especially me. Please call me if you need to and I am willing to visit."

 

The part that trips me out is when she says "False hope" because that means to me in her opinion there is no hope -- but then she immediately follows that up by saying she's really scared that she's wrong and that I won't forgive her?

 

Why do women have to be so complicated.

[BetterKarma]

Hi Darin, I feel your confusion and pain.

 

Breakups are always hard, especially for the dumpee because the dumper has already thought about it and console his/herself a long time ago before actually acting on it.

 

As for your ex's e-mail, what she is trying to do is to relieve her own guilt and leave the door open for herself at the same time. She feels guilty for what she has done and wants to explain to you why she did it in hopes that you can forgive her. *which is more than what I got*

 

However, she is also leaving the door open in case she changes her mind and wants to come back. She said that she doesn't want to give you false hope, but in the end of the e-mail she did by saying that she is worry that WHEN she realizes you are the one she is afraid that you will be gone.

 

And the whole, "Please call me if you need to and I am willing to visit" is just to relieve her own guilty consicious again.

 

DO NOT be second best. You deserve better than that. Don't let her confusion, confuse you and affect you. She knows how you feel and you know how you feel about her. I would cut her off completely for now and see how it goes. Do NC. It would benefit you and help her sort out her own thoughts. Good luck.

[Darin]

Thanks for the reply!

 

So here's what happened today. I have been working hard at NC -- even though I find myself in a terrible desire to call her.

 

She calls me from work at about noon, and I ask whats up and she said she wants to chat. At one point she says that everything just doesn't feel right anymore and she doesn't know what she's doing. She says she doesn't understand why she always feels like the grass is greener on the other side, and she asked again (this is the third or 4th time) if this was a mistake if i could ever forgive her.

 

I guess what confuses me is that she then continued to talk about how she's going to get her stuff and setting up her room in her parents house for now, etc. I mean, I guess ultimately it would be good if she moved back in with her parents even if we were to give it a second chance, so that we could kind of start slowly back into it (even though she only moved out as of saturday).

 

We ended up talking for 3 hours, over 2 periods of time, mostly about random stuff but it was good and felt good to talk to her. I just am worried that she's playing my heartstrings right now.

[salmagundi]

Hey darin.

 

if ever i saw a case where no contact, or at the very least limited contact, was called for this is it.

 

She is confused, she doesn't know what she wants, and what is worse, she admittd that she is bored in her relationship.

 

The way to get her interested again is not to chase after her. I think you need to give her space so she can figure herself out and figure out is she misses you, i mean, i think there is still hope. I think it is probably normal that, being in her early twenties, she would want to take a step back from a LTR to reevaluate and see if she wants to move forward or not.

 

But I think you will seriously do your head in if you wait around pining too much and that wont help get her back in any case. Best to move on and get used to being singly again. If she comes back, great. If not, well thats life but in any case there is nothing you can do to make her come back. So all you can do is nothing. Except maybe make new friends, take up new activities, try and carve out an independant existence in this city and find your own niche. And see what happens.

 

And maybe you will decide to move back home and thats fine too.

 

Good luck

 

salmagundi