riobikini Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 P.S. And you're not a '****-up'. You're a really sweet guy! With Problems. But you're actually kicking some ass with them, lately -whether you think so or not. (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 Rio, how long has it been since your NC and how do you feel now? Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 UT, I saw him in person just before Christmas...then got a phone call later. He also attempted email contact shortly after that. I have his addresses blocked. UT, when I let go of someone, I really f**kin' let go! You don't play with me and keep the strings attached to jerk me around. I happen to regard myself highly and won't accept that behavior out of ANYONE. I LET you have all the time you need and give you every benefit of doubt I can, -but when it comes to my self-respect, you're 'out' and I'm 'in'. I choose me. I choose 'me' because of the purpose I have discovered for even existing. That is, I know my purpose for my life and recognize myself as a valuable human being. I 'live' for a purpose. And in realizing my purpose, I recognize my responsiblities. To myself, my children, to my friends, to my work, -everything and everyone that makes up my life. I refuse to give that purpose away to anyone to destroy and abuse. In regards to how I feel after the break-up at this point, I feel the way I'm SUPPOSED to feel: a little tattered and worn, a little angry and sad, a little crazy and regretful, -but wa-a-a--y-y-y the hell better than I did. And just a little more savvy. Make sense? -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Tony79 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 UT, I have been following your story just as much as mine, since it seems like you are 8 days in front of me. My question to you is, if she/him called today, would you answer? I am curious to know since you initiated the no contact, has she been trying to contact you, either by phone, email or texts? Bottom line is I know in my situation might be different or might not, but she broke up with me on Sunday ngiht and she has called every day, yesterday she called twice. I have not talked to her. Its tough and I want to soooooooo bad. I was just curious if you would answer if she called or tried to contact you in any way? Anthony Link to post Share on other sites
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 thats great that you have the strength to do that. i still dont think ive completely let go. i still really cant figure out if letting go is a state of min that you can push yourself into, or if its just something that comes with time. i feel that she still cares and wants to be with me. i know im deluding myself, but i just cant help it. how do u convince yourself to do that? how do you will yourself. i've tried. its just not working. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony79 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 UT, TRUST me this is not easy. I do not know why you had your break up. Mine might be different. Last week she was telling me how much she loved me and wanted to be with me, and then the next day she was confused. I beleive she needs to be 100% sure that she wants to be with me, and I do beleive deep down that she does. I need to know that she realizes this, when I feel that she does that is when I will call her back. I cant answer on what she needs to do, but I have to have my gut tell me that. I can not see how someone can do the actions she did and say what she said and it not be true, I never sensed this coming. Personally I also do not want to answer the phone and have my hopes set high just to be shot down, but then again I would rather be 100% sure if I shuld have hope or not have hope. I am just doing what my gut says, I do know she is the one for me, but she needs to realize the same. Maybe she will today, tomorrow, next week, 1 year, or maybe she will never. It will be hard for me to accept the latter of those, but if that is the case, and as much as it hurts, I need some that wants to be with me uncoditionally as much as I do to them. It is tough not to answer those calls. I told myself I have to wait atleast to Monday regardless if she calls me 10 times from now to Monday or none. If it is none then I will not make the contact. She did this to me, she needs to convince me otherwise. It plain out sucks, I am sick of knowning that last Saturday night my heart felt weightless and today it is dragging on the ground like a 500 pound weight. Who knows what the future will bring, but I do know my happiness will be there at the end. I am hoping it is with her, but if not then I will have to deal with my loss and only gainknowledge and strength for myself. Be strong man, and just think that as much as you want her back or to call you, you would be selfish to take her back because tomorrow you will be questioning why she broke up with you in the first place. Hopefully when or if she comes back she will convince you otherwise. Anthony Link to post Share on other sites
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 why cant i accept its over?????????????????????? this is driving me nuts! i keep thinking shes gonna come back to me. but she hasnt called in 2 weeks almost. shes trying her damdest to get over me. and im sitting here waiting for her to call me. what the hell is wrong with me??????????????? why cant i let it go. i keep on thinking about what i did, what i coulda shoulda done. im have a VERY bad day today. It is rough. And actually, I'm having a bad day every day. But today is especially rough. So ****ing rough. It feels like day 4 all over again. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 UT...read through Salmangundi's threads/posts...especial the last one. It should help. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
skeptik224 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 UT - You are in the "process" of letting it go. It takes time. There isn't any reason you should be doing the shoulda/woulda/coulda game. You can't change what's happened. But...you can learn from them and be stronger for the next girl...or whatever situation comes your way. If it's any consolation, I'm having a really crappy day, too. I woke up really sad (it's also rainy/snowy here which doesn't help the mood) and realized in my own way that she's not coming back....then about 3 hours later, I'm a mad, angry a**h*** that hates the world. I'm in the "f*ck her and WHEN she tries to contact me, I won't be answering" kind of mood. I'm sure later on tonight, I'll be experiencing more moods. It helps in my mind to know that she's got her own issues going on, and we can't be happy together if we aren't happy with ourselves. I know that her leaving has NOTHING to do with me...logically I know that, but emotionally, I'm messed up. I know she's dating other people but have confirmation that it's not serious...yet. And...if it is, well, that's her next victim because a few months in therapy doesn't solve everything. I would read Salmangundi's threads...he's got a good perspective on things. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony79 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 UT I am starting to beleive you need to do what you want. Really do what your heart says to. No contact might work, might not. You have to remember everyones advice her is from their own expereince. What they are reccomending is what worked for them or what they wished they did. If you feel like calling her, the only thing I would highly suggest do not do it at your low moment, make sure you vent all your concerns and thoughts to friends, family, whoever. Then after you vent with your close ones, really, I mean really see how you feel and if you want to call her. This is your choice, but clear your mind first. You dont want to call and beg, wont do anything for you. On my side, my ex was pretty sneaky and called my work line where I have to answer all the time, so I got stuck talking to her. To be honest, I am so glad that I did. It answered a lot fo questions. Bottom line is I had a chance to be with a great, honest person. She needs time to sort out her feelings and at the same she told me that she doesnt want to lose me. I told her I can not call her, it is not fair to ME. If she calls me, I will decide at that time to answer or not. I want her back, so bad, but at the same time I want her to comeback and be in love with me, not out of despite. Things work out in funny and unfortunate ways. The bottom line is at the END you will have happiness. It might be with her and you, but it might be with just you. Bottom line is do everything now for you and noone else. Things work out, and like I said, everyone here gives you advice that helped them get through rought times or they WISH they did in the past to get over, basically saying they called and did not do the no contact. Follow your heart it always guides you down some curves but the Sun is just up ahead everytime. Just if you do give in and call, make sure you vented to your friends, family first to clear your find. Letting it build up inside will make things worse, trust me. Also, think about going to a counsler, I did, and I am glad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 Tony, I hear your situation man. If she called me...it would be ridiculously difficult not to answer her call. But the thing is...I don't think she is going to call. I am starting to realize it is truly over for her. But I guess i still hold on to hope. Even if she did call...it would most likely be to see how I am, not to get back together. I AM SO CONFUSED. I want to call her so bad right now. Please tell me people why I shouldnt call. And not ask her back...but just say hey..I'd like to be friends in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
skeptik224 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 You are going to open yourself up again for another let down. Do not beg this woman to be with you...you deserve better than that. You aren't ready to be friends so why even bring it up? You may discover down the line that you actually don't even want to be her friend. After what my ex has done, I'm not sure anymore that I want to be friends with her. All I know is that you don't want to be in my situation - 3 months and still going back/forth. Each time we contact, it brings hard memories and the realization that we are STILL - after 3 months - in 2 different places and want 2 different things. She's dating around - I want the committment that she can't give - for whatever reason. This last time I e-mailed her and she was pretty cold and crappy. I've given myself my word not to contact her. If, somewhere down the line, you do want to be friends with your ex, you can pop her an e-mail. Until then, don't do it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 im having such a hard time with this. im cracking. i mean really cracking under this. im breaking apart. i cant even work. im walking like a zombie. im so ****ed. its SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard for me not to call her right now. Also, she never wronged me, except that she broke up with me. So thats why its hard for me to hate her. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony79 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 UT, go out tonight, its Friday. Get all your friends together and just have a great time. Things happen, tough times come. You will not be fine for awhile, but dont stay in and hide, it will never help you but make it worse. I heard you say that you are planning on buying a membership, well I suggest go buying that membership tomorrow, dont wait. Plus it is a great social enviroment, you can actually meet your soul mate there. bottom line is it will hurt, but stay strong and be active do not hide, and talk about your feelings it will make it so much better, trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 You know .. I went out last night..and had a good time....to only find out that today was one of the worsts that I've had. But yea Tony, I amm gonna get that membership tomorrow. I think this is what I need. It'll release some endorphins that I need, and boost up my confidence. Man. This really is pain. How are things with you guys going? I've been whining all week just wanted to see how you guys are holding up. Link to post Share on other sites
skeptik224 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 It's a crappy day on my end. Woke up sad...really sad. I wish she would just figure her life out. Actually, one of my best friends (who she and my ex had an hour long conversation about me about a month ago) said a lot of great things. I hope that she's right. On a side note, I ned to let her go...she doesn't deserve me but man, I love her SO MUCH! I'm out of here for the weekend but will check back on you on Monday. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 im having such a hard time with this. im cracking. i mean really cracking under this. im breaking apart. i cant even work. im walking like a zombie. im so ****ed. its SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard for me not to call her right now. Also, she never wronged me, except that she broke up with me. So thats why its hard for me to hate her. By breaking up with you, she wronged you. Don't call her. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony79 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 things get better every day and get worse. Your complaining makes all of us realize where we are today in our situations and even though this is your issue, it does help us. It shows us what you are going through and the tough times. We all can learn a little something from someone and their conflicts. Go out, mingle, enjoy yourself. Your main concern should be about yourself. Really ask yourself this one question if she called you and said she wanted you back and you saw her tonight, everything would be great, but how would you feel tomorrow. Would you question things, be curious? MOst likely yes, take the time for you now, if things are meant to be they will happen. You main concern right now should be just YOU, trust me on this. If she wants you back she will come. Main thing is you want to be with someone that wants to be with you, not the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
WindDrifter Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 Hey UT, Well I am about to start a 14day NC. My ex and I are meeintg up tomorrow and we have been apart for 2 weeks now. She is confused and doesn't know what she wants so I am giving her space. The thing is she says we are broken up so that means we are both single to do what we want. I don't want to do anything and neither does she , at the moment. We are madly in love but she needs this time before settling down. She still sends me text to say how much she loves me and misses me and wants to be with me and we meet up once a week but then why is she doing this. When we meet up we have an awesome time together but i guess it does make the next couple days harder. Well I have decided that we should have NC for 2 weeks and then see how we feel after that. If we still want to do this semi meet up one a week and chat once or twice a week then okay but at least by not having me around she can't call me or see me and then she will really realise what is means to be single and without me. Its the toughest thing I have ever done but I need to shock her. I am not going to be her best friend while she goes out kisses other guys and sleeps with them. (She's not doing this now but say later down the track.) Wish me luck and hope you feel better mate. I will let you know what I am doing now that I don't have her. Mon-Work then Basketball Tue-Work then Study Wednesday- Work the Touch Rugby Thursday - Work then Gym Friday - Work then drinks with mates Sat - Gym, Study and Mate Sunday - Study, Sailing. This is trying to keep myself busy so that I don't have too much extra time to think about her. Be strong mate and you are now get back that respect you deserve and she hasn't been giving you. Cheers, WD Link to post Share on other sites
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 Winddrifter, Best of luck to you man. I hope that you get the answers that you need from this meeting. And I know how you feel, that NC and the not knowing makes your mind do some freaky things. But one thing I find about your plan about after the 2 week NC, you talk or hang out once a week to have her miss you might backfire in the sense that it might help her move on from you. knowing that you'll be around while she can do whatever she wants. its kind of like having her cake and eating it too. i think u might think a bit on that plan. Link to post Share on other sites
WindDrifter Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 Look if she moves on after 2 weeks I don't think we ever would have survived a marriage and it is better to find out now rather than later. And at the moment she calls me once a week and we meet up once a week on the weekend when she wants to so currently she is having her cake and eating it. Thats why since she is missing me now we have this 2 week NC and then she will know how is feel not to have me at all. Then we can see how we feel. I mean or my other option is not to have the break and just let things go as they are but I want her to know that this is what I want now and I am not just going to happily be there for her while she gets over me. I need her to really realise that she can lose me for good. Any other ideas on how to approach it UT? The problem is we both believe we will be together and want to get married but she needs this time to herself. What do you think I should do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 14, 2006 Author Share Posted January 14, 2006 winddrifter....one thing that i've realized in realtionships is that which i think almost everyone is aware of is the rubber band effect/push pull effect/ whatever you may call it...the concept that when one person in a relationship pulls away, the other person will follow, holding on even tighter which starts the vicious spiral downward of the relationship. i do think that you are in the right direction in doing NC as this gives her a chance to miss you, but you set a deadline, which gives her a security blanket in which she knows that after 2 weeks, she will talk to you. you need to take that security from her. the not knowing i think will have a bigger effect. i know that what im talking about is "playing games" but honestly, i like to think of it more as relationship management as everyone in all relationships are using behavioral tactics to obtain the outcome that you desire from someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UT_longhorn Posted January 14, 2006 Author Share Posted January 14, 2006 its 10:18 pm on a Friday night. i should be going out to hang out with my friends that are all going to bars or clubs to hang out etc. i guess you guys are like what the hell are you doing on loveshack on friday evening? i realized today that i need to have some time to myself. i've been trying to fill every minute with someone or something to fill the pain and the emptiness that ive been feeling for the past few weeks. i think its about time that i really try to search my soul. search my heart. really do some digging. i want to see what outcomes that i might have with this "therapy" that i've assigned to myself. ill let you guys know how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Vulnerable Beauty Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 I think staying at home alone in the beginning is helpful for some people. My friends have tried to drag me out, and I can deal with being around others in small time doses, then I just want to cut out- go home. I've had no contact now for 5 days,- and its not hard for me to not call him, (since i've always kinda been the kind of girl that thinks the man should pursue,) but its killing me, that he has not contacted me.. Thank god I have hobbies.. Link to post Share on other sites
WindDrifter Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 Thanks for the advice UT the only thing is I gave her tickets to a concert for christmas and we were going to go to it together which is in 2 weeks. During the 2 weeks I was going to tell her to call me if she got really bad just so I can help her if she really needs it. She has already called me a couple times so I know she won't be able to last. I hate making her hurt. I just don't like the idea of not letting her call me if she really need to. She even says I can call her if I really need to. I don't know what to do mate I don't even think I can last 2 weeks and even if I do I don't know how she is going to handle it. Good Idea taking time to learn more about yourself. Good Luck mate! Cheers, WD Link to post Share on other sites
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