8 days of NC

[UT_longhorn]

It is getting REALLY hard now guys. Please help me!! My ex GF has not contacted me and I havent contacted her either. Why is it still so hard?

 

After 8 days if she doesn't want to resolve things its pretty much over for her right? OMG why is it so hard!!!!

[skeptik224]

Stay tough, UT. DO NOT CONTACT HER. I just broke down after 2 weeks of NC and am right back where I started. It was the hugest mistake I ever made. We e-mailed back and forth, and when I didn't get any emotional response from her after telling her I think about her often, it broke my heart all over again. Please, please, please do not contact her... Trust me...

[UT_longhorn]

skeptic...i know ur right. why is it so hard?

when does this get better? I thought after a week I'd be ok, but really, I'm just able to funtion and walk through life without it being debilitating.

 

WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER!!!

[riobikini]

As well as I know the answer, I'm waiting to hear someone else's response on that question, too, UT.

 

Once, my ex-partner, gave me a card that read:

 

"The remedy for love is more love."

 

I kept the card.

 

And I think about how ironic it was that he was the one who gave it to me.

 

-Rio

[skeptik224]

I can't tell you when it will get better. Nobody can. You are worth more than that...if she wants to be with you, she'll get in contact with you. I don't agree, however, with the whole avoiding the phone calls/e-mails/texts thing. Some people play a game...if she contacts you to avoid it. Don't do that...in games, someone always loses. My ex broke up with me about 3 1/2 months ago because she's never been single and wanted to do that. She needed to also deal with the loss of 2 consecutive long-term (8+ years) relationships. What I'm starting to learn is that neither you nor I (or anyone else) can make anyone want that committment with us. We may be the best thing that ever happened to them...but the bottom line is that if they're not ready, they're not ready. Don't necessarily think that just because 8 days has gone by that she doesn't want to resolve things. Some people would just rather run away than deal. You can't hold on to hope that she's going to come running back. You need to take care of you....you are your first priority.

[skeptik224]

Hey, Rio... "the remedy for love is more love" is right but it's the love that comes from within not another person. When someone we love leaves us, we need to love ourselves more - surround ourselves with more love.

[cleo]

how many times u been trhough NC period? many times ?

if it just happened for the first time, there is a hope for you to reconcile . but .. if you have been NC for many times, it may be really the end. becoz she might be starting to move on and close the chapter.

 

i understand exactly how u feel when u r hoping so badly someone to call you, just to hear her / his voice but u got nothing . i have been through something which is worse than that . without trying to make you down, but you have to be mentally prepared for any possibility that may happen....

 

be courage,...there is always a rainbow after the rain.

[Ezydriver]

UT Longhorn, I think you've got to prepare yourself for the long haul, theres no easy way round it, I've just had the most chronic depression for 3 days solid, and I've been nearly 8 weeks now, for me it seemed to get better, then suddenly it hit me out of the blue and confined me to my bed for 3 days, I'm preparing for the next strike, probably in the next few days, I know though that I'm 8 weeks gone, so thats 8 weeks down, only so many to go, I thought at the beginning "two weeks and I'll be fine" I know its extremely hard, one of the hardest things you'll ever do, I cant recommend anything that'll take your mind off her, I found nothing could, my concerntration was non existent. One thing I can recommend however is MAINTAIN THE NO CONTACT this means that you'll be over it quicker, every time you contact her you'll be starting from scratch, and you'll undo 8 days of emotional work. Although it doesn't seem like it, your pain is actually healment in full swing, 8 days is good, please keep it up, you have my email address, you emailed me last night, so do so again any time, I have peolpe in America who I chat with via email and windows messenger, it really helps man.

Regards,

Steve.

[riobikini]

Skeptik,

 

RE:

 

Hey, Rio... "the remedy for love is more love" is right but it's the love that comes from within not another person. When someone we love leaves us, we need to love ourselves more - surround ourselves with more love.

 

Agreed!

 

Thank you for that, Skeptik.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[UT_longhorn]

thanks guys for the support. but i feel like i need complete closure and talk to her to know for SURE that she doesnt want me. is this a bad idea?

[skeptik224]

yes, it is a bad idea. What I'm finding out is that you'll never get the answers you really want. It's only been 8 days since you've been broken up (although I know it feels like a lifetime). You need to give her time to sort things out in her head as well as in your own head. DO NOT CONTACT HER.

[lost/found?]

When you seek answers you'll only find more questions...

[skeptik224]

Wow! I never looked at it that way, lost/found. You're right on

[slubberdegullion]

UT, you already know what the answer is.

 

Of COURSE it's hard! It's supposed to be hard! If it weren't difficult, then that would tell you that you weren't really interested in her anyway, which would cause you to question your whole reasoning for being involved with her in the first place.

 

As I see it, you have two options:

1. Contact her, find out that she's moving on too, and end up back where you were when you first broke up, with all the associated heartache, etc.; or,
   
2. Give both her and you the time and space to come to the right conclusion, whatever that is. This means NO CONTACT. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Nuttin. Bupuks.

Hey, it's your life, it's your heart. If you wish to further cause yourself heartache, I suppose nothing any of us can say or do will change your mind.

 

"Closure," by the way, doesn't exist. You just move on, and eventually you'll find you will look back on the time with her with pleasant memories instead of heart-rending angst. No "closure" moment is going to do that. It takes time and energy.

 

So move on. Maintain NC. And good luck.

[UT_longhorn]

yea...i guess you guys are right. this is really just killing me guys. why the hell is it supposed to be like this. this sucks so bad.

[slubberdegullion]

Look, sitting around pouting and wishing for something different is a futile exercise. So get out. Go for a walk. Call a buddy and go play some squash. Do something active.

[CaliGuy]

It is getting REALLY hard now guys. Please help me!! My ex GF has not contacted me and I havent contacted her either. Why is it still so hard?

 

After 8 days if she doesn't want to resolve things its pretty much over for her right? OMG why is it so hard!!!!

 

Relax.

Take a deep breath.

Listen to yourself for a second.

 

You're in a panic. This is not good and it's especially not good for your Ex to see either. This is not the reaction of a confident person. This is tyically the reaction of a clingy person with low self-esteem and confidence.

 

I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but I want you to take a look at yourself in the mirror and listen to what you are saying and doing.

 

I want you to please take some time to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy." You need to stick to NC and focus on letting it go and accepting where you're at right now.

 

The way you are acting right now is not healthy and on top it, not attractive either.

[UT_longhorn]

You're in a panic. This is not good and it's especially not good for your Ex to see either. This is not the reaction of a confident person. This is tyically the reaction of a clingy person with low self-esteem and confidence.

 

Guess i really should take a look at whats going on. I always have thought of myself as pretty confident, but maybe I might have to re evaluate myself.

 

I did have a moment of panic today I think mostly cause I realized, I really think its over.

 

Don't get me wrong guys, I am slowly (very slowly) getting better, but I keep holding onto that hope. I know its self destructive, and I've tried to convince myself its done and I need to move on, but its just been very idfficult I guess.

[skeptik224]

Like Slubber said...if it didn't hurt, you'd be questioning your love in the first place. You will never get the closure you're looking for....until way down the line. My previous ex (before this most recent one) left me and broke my heart after 4 years together. It took us 1 1/2 years before we (I) could actually really talk to her and see her. Basically, a lot of stuff happened that I won't go into, but she did the breaking up and kept the contact every few months...the space in between allowed me to see the relationship for what it really was. I now have gone out AS FRIENDS ONLY and have a good time. When we first got together, she asked me if I had any questions for her about it. I looked at her and told her no, that I had figured them out in my head already. She seemed pretty suprised but that's how I got my closure. I went into therapy and leaned on friends - A LOT! (WHICH IS WHAT I'M DOING NOW) I look back on all our good times and realize that we just grew apart. The reasoning behind that break-up was much different that the reasoning behind my current heart-wrenching break-up but none-the-less, I know that I'll get through it...just like you will...just like everyone else on the board will. I encourage you to keep NC. Like I said before, I broke mine and am kicking myself in the ass for it. You've come too far to get back to square one. Trust me...

[UT_longhorn]

i agree. i have come too far to break NC now. Im sure if she really wanted to be with me she would have contacted me by now. I feel now, she probably does not want to work things out. This is still hard for me to accept 100%. I have this feeling that she wants to try the relationship again, but I think I may be just fooling myself.

 

Like I said before, I thought by now things would be easier, but in reality, its still pretty dam.n tough.

[CaliGuy]

Guess i really should take a look at whats going on. I always have thought of myself as pretty confident, but maybe I might have to re evaluate myself.

 

I did have a moment of panic today I think mostly cause I realized, I really think its over.

 

I sensed a lot of panic in your post, true.

 

Don't get me wrong guys, I am slowly (very slowly) getting better, but I keep holding onto that hope. I know its self destructive, and I've tried to convince myself its done and I need to move on, but its just been very idfficult I guess.

 

It's not easier but the sooner you accept that it's over, let it go and move on the sooner you will heal. You do need to rebuild your confidence and self esteem and you can do that by focusing on yourself. When you hang on like this it just hands control of your life to her. If you want that control back, let it go. You must.

 

My confidence was boosted the minute I accepted it was over and let go of the pain. I know I'm a good catch for the right woman and in fact met someone recently that is light years ahead of my ex. I'm astounded how soon I could meet someone given how hard I had been taking the breakup.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still love and miss the ex deeply but she wasn't into me and I had been spinning my wheels for so long trying to fix something I had no control over.

 

Dude, you'll be fine. Take a deep breath, relax, it's not the end of the world (though I know it feels like it). Just know that no matter how bad you have it, someone else out there just lost a loved one, is dying of cancer, lost their job and their house or perhaps just found out their spouse is cheating on them.

 

You could have it a lot worse. Thank the good Lord you don't. Trust me, it will make you feel better.

[UT_longhorn]

Everyone...

 

All of you guys really helped me through today. Thanks really. i'm so glad that there is a place like this for me to turn to. i hope i can start to help others out with my limited relationship experience.

 

but i do have a question about giving up the hope...is that a process that comes naturally or is it something that i have to actively tell myself or what? maybe a bit of both? are there any suggestions on how to let go of the hope?

[CaliGuy]

but i do have a question about giving up the hope...is that a process that comes naturally or is it something that i have to actively tell myself or what? maybe a bit of both? are there any suggestions on how to let go of the hope?

 

You just tell yourself "Ok, it's over. I accept that (and mean it) and I will move on with my life."

 

It helps to think about the mean things they did to you or their stupid habits that annoyed you. You just have to will yourself to accept it. It's not easy and takes time.

 

For me all it took was thinking about how indifferent she was towards me, especially the last couple days. I mean, we even went to dinner and the whole time she acted like she didn't want to be there. I mean, that's just cold-hearted. I think about how she didn't want to talk to me or spend any time with me yet was living in my house.

 

It boosted me right through the anger phase and straight through to acceptance I should be thanking her for it otherwise I wouldn't have met the girl I have met recently. Talk about an upgrade. WOOT!

[slubberdegullion]

but i do have a question about giving up the hope...is that a process that comes naturally or is it something that i have to actively tell myself or what? maybe a bit of both? are there any suggestions on how to let go of the hope?

Glad we could help in our own small way.

 

Instead of thinking it as "giving up hope," re-frame it to something more positive like "moving on" or "freedom to do as I please."

 

That's the first step.

 

The second step is to recognize that it's a process, not a result. Some days you'll go through the entire day without giving the ex a second thought. Other days it will be agonizing to maintain NC.

 

So there's no magic bullet that will have you forgetting about her completely; there's no set time frame after which you'll never think of her again. It's just a process which is helped by things like NC, dating other women, hanging with the buddies, and most importantly, doing stuff that you like to do but didn't (or couldn't) do when you were with her.

 

You're gonna be just fine.

[UT_longhorn]

today was day 8 and I have to say day 8 and day 4 were the hardest on me so far but I think I've learned the most from them.

 

I think day 4 was when all the pain came to a head and erupted in a volcano of emotions and tears. Releasing everything and being at the lowest point knowing I could not get lower and the only way from there was up.

 

Day 8 (I hope) is when I truly realize that I must move on and not focus on the past. Truly start questioning why I want to be with her. Is it really her and our love together? Or is it the emptiness that I want to fill with her. Were we truly meant to be? Or is this an illusion that I've created.

 

I really want to thank all of you who took the time to slap me around a little today. I think sometimes tough love is be best love. I just pray that tomorrow I'll have a completely different outlook than I did today when I woke up.