8 days of NC

[UT_longhorn]

Guys...I've been reading a bit about breaking up both at the bookstore and online and I've found this link. It may give some of you comfort.

 

http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/books/sur/

[UT_longhorn]

OK. So I signed up for that gym membership that I's been talking about and it really gave me a boost for some reason. That I'd done something. Something for myself.

 

I woke up thinking about her and our relationship. I did stay in bed a few hours cause I just woke up early for no reason. I felt a bit bad, but I really think last night's introspective session really helped me with some issues with holding on. Today I think is a better day than average. For some reason Friday was really sh*tty. I'm really starting to realize how much i smothered my girlfriend. Its really embarrassing to think I was being like that. She really must have lost a lot of respect for me. At least I learned this lesson now and not when Im married. Also, at least I held on to some dignity by never begging for her back.

 

I am starting feel a bit of hope today. I seem to have more problems when I'm at work because I know shes 2 blocks away and the habit of calling her and going to lunch.

 

I still feel like calling her ALL THE TIME. It really has been such a struggle to not call her. One thing I am worried about is a birthday party for a mutual friend tonight. I may see her for the first time in 2 weeks. I wanted to avoid her at all costs, but I also feel that I can't let her take away from a friend's birthday.

 

I sometimes can't believe how much pain this break up has put on me this past week. It's incredible the power that it had. I am awed by the human soul and now have the utmost respect for all who have been through divorce, loss of family/friend, or a bad break up.

[someone_here]

i have been following your story..

hows everything going on ?

 

just to let u know.. u r not alone... i brokeup with my bf abt 2 weeks n still stay with NC too. it was a very bad break up ( u can read from my story).... but i know one day i will get over it. i am not stable yet but i would be eventually.. n you would be stable too.. how long it takes is depends on you.

[UT_longhorn]

someone_here,

 

thanks for the follow up. its 14 days of NC today and I feel that I've progressed a good deal. i still have a deep longing for her but its not the excruciating pain. The heart wrenching, gut twisting pain that I was in for a while. i do miss her, but i keep trying to tell myself that she was no good for me. that why would you want to get with someone like her anyways. its working to a point.

 

I really think this was for the best. But I just miss being with her. The sex with her was fantastic. And I guess I just feel a bit more lonely lately. I think I'm definately on my road to recovery, but I need more time. She still has my house and car keys. Its interesting that she hasnt returned those to me. Maybe Im reading something out of nothing. Even if she wanted me back today, I think I would want to get back with her for the wrong reasons. It would be to clear the pain and have the companionship. I dont know. I think I'm still a bit confused...and lonely.

 

I think I need to convince myself a little better that she isn't coming back. I think I still hold on to a bit of hope although its dwindling more and more each day.

 

how's your progress someone_here?

[someone_here]

glad that u r getting better. in my case ,it has been 16 days.. . i getting better n better each day. plus my frens , they supported me a lot . thanks to them and i did hang out with them a lot.

their companionship brings happiness that replace the lonely feeling . i know.. usually when we are alone, all the memories will come back. but it is normal. what i always do is i tell my self to look forward. he hurt me so much. i wont look back although i still have feeling for him.

well.. sometimes i hope he will come back to me, but i think it is impossible . h i dont want to take a risk again...

 

UT, dont give up... we are in the same process ... i hope u get stronger n stronger..

[riobikini]

RE:

 

UT: "But I just miss being with her. The sex with her was fantastic."

 

Yeah, that's how it was with me, too.

 

Only it was more than the great sex.

 

The thing is, I think he was all about that, -and nothing else, now that I'm able to think more clearly.

 

He moves on faster than I do!

 

Which tells me he wasn't that into the relationship, at all.

 

He just breathed a few panting lies for as long as he could, stroked a little skin, and moved on to the next one.

 

The truth is, I think he's so insecure (despite his claim to having confidence), that he really can't be in any relationship for very long for fear they will get to know him well, and might not accept his weaknesses.

 

I think he gets a big ego-boost with the 'newness' of each relationship.

 

It's a euphoric feeling to meet and date one after another and know you're only going to suck up what you can from the relationship and then coast on out.

 

As little as I saw him, it's very likely I was not the only one he was seeing.

 

It's been just a little over three weeks since I saw him, and I think he already had at least one other female he was seeing, knowing that he was putting an end to us.

 

I don't think he can be with ONE woman.

 

What a jerk!

 

They call them 'serial daters'.

 

Jeezus! '05 was obviously NOT my year, -nor yours, UT!

 

I can see I'm gonna be having a lot of wine lunches over the next few months.

 

-Rio

[UT_longhorn]

u know...05 was really good until the end. but i know what youre trying to say. how is it feeling after 3 weeks rio? im still thinking about her all the time.

 

right when i wake up i think about her. her. her. her. and more her. all day. i think about her.

 

do you find urself thinking about him less lately? that the urge to talk/see him isnt as great?

[riobikini]

UT,

 

I am settling all the PRESENT issues I have on a day-to-day basis.

 

I settle the sexual needs thing, I settle the gnawing ache thing, and I do everything I can to keep certain thoughts from owning my mind.

 

I've lost weight (something I do not need to do, my 115lbs does not need to dwindle), -but I'm doing everything I know to do to beat this and move past it.

 

Yes, I'm dealing with everything head-on so nothing creeps back up on me unexpectedly in the future, but I'm aggressively pushing it.

 

Through past experience, I know I'll be OK in a few weeks or a couple of months, -at least, to a point where I can go through a day without thinking continuous thoughts about him .

 

Nursing those thoughts only torture you and drag you down, make you less productive, and delay your moving on.

 

I choose to fight them with whatever I can find to occupy the space.

 

Be it new people, reading, working, walking, etc.

 

(Laugh) You can really learn a lot of new stuff when you are going through this!

 

I'm thinking of taking belly-dancing...a friend of mine invited me to her class, -sounds, well, -interesting, and who knows, if I can get through this, someone later might enjoy me doing that. (Wink)

 

Anyway, truth is it's still killing me, but I keep reminding myself I'm a big girl and these things happen.

 

(Lousy cliche', but...)

 

So I'm working through it.

 

And I see you are making progress, as well.

 

You are young and vibrant and gorgeous...you should go out and allow women to be slayed by you.

 

(Smile)

 

Do it.

 

And take care.

 

-Rio

[UT_longhorn]

belly dancing huh?

 

and yes...i remember after my first major breakup, i was the biggest man wh*re for a long time. but i also remember that time being sort of like being on a lonely journey as well. im not one that HAS to have a woman to be happy, but there are times I remembered wanting to have someone special to share my dreams/thoughts/hopes with. and once I found that ... this happens. here i go again. at least my afternoon is a bit better than this morning. i hope this roller coaster ride stops soon, so i can get the F off of it.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

UT: " I remembered wanting to have someone special..."

 

I remember that, too.

 

I'm just having a really sh**ty day and all I could think when I read that statement was how stupid I was for thinking he was that someone.

 

And I'm pissed as hell about the time I wasted with him.

 

-Rio

[UT_longhorn]

yea..same here. i thought that she was that someone. i willed myself to believe it. what a f*cking phony dream i lived. reading you getting angry is getting me angry.

 

d*mn her for making believe in that foolish dream. i loved her even with all her faults and her repayment was to throw me out in the cold.

 

she doesn't deserve me. all in all, i stand higher than her on any totem pole. shes just lucky that i lifted her on that imaginary pedestal so she felt invincible.

[CaliGuy]

yea..same here. i thought that she was that someone. i willed myself to believe it. what a f*cking phony dream i lived. reading you getting angry is getting me angry.

 

d*mn her for making believe in that foolish dream. i loved her even with all her faults and her repayment was to throw me out in the cold.

 

she doesn't deserve me. all in all, i stand higher than her on any totem pole. shes just lucky that i lifted her on that imaginary pedestal so she felt invincible.

 

UT I am going through this now. But I want you to remember something.

 

If you give someone your all, I mean you do every single little thing for them, there's no challenge. Women want a challenge, something they have to work for. Unfortunately it's a kind of game that some men (and women) never understand. I am still coming to grips with this.

 

My ex isn't necessarily a mean, evil person. In fact, when she is in love she is a lot like me. She gives her all. But in my case, I just over-did it. I gave, gave, gave and left nothing for her to wonder or desire about me.

 

She knows that I am a great guy but I didn't present even the slightest challenge. I wasn't "exciting" to her. I was boring and predictable. Women love that aloofness, the notion that she has to chase a man to get him. It's a prize to them.

 

Now, the fact that I gave so much to my ex and she didn't reciprocate, does that make her a bad person? No, she's like every other girl except her communication skills are pi$$ poor. If she had loved me she would never have treated me that way.

 

So what happened? She stayed because of guilt. She felt bad leaving me and eventually grew to resent that fact. It wasn't necessarily me, it was just the situation that she was in. She knew I loved her beyond the stars but that wasn't enough for her. I was just boring and predictable.

 

I guess in a way that's why NC is good. Not only does it help heal you faster but in the process it creates a little doubt in the ex's mind. "Has he changed? Why isn't he pining after me like he used to? What's going on?"

 

I am sure these thoughts go through the mind of an Ex who starts contacting you after you implement NC. The problem is some of us never really learn and improve who we are during the NC/healing process. That's why I harp so much on personal reflection after a breakup. You have to realize what you did wrong (you can't control them, you can only control yourself).

 

So if during NC you have identified the areas of improvement you need to make then perhaps a reconcilliation will occur. But if a reconcilliation never happens then no matter what you'll be much better off when the next woman comes into your life.

 

Bottom line: No contact works for you in more ways than one if you are the kind of person who can recognize their own faults and not only make a point to improve, but actually do it! It's hard but it can be done.

 

I'll see my ex tomorrow, no way around it. But I know that I have improved immensely and that no matter what I will not let her see me sweat. I'll smile and be happy but I'll not make small talk or allow her to ask me any personal questions. It's a business meeting and I'll have that on my mind when I am there.

 

This is the new me, it's time I let him shine

 

PS: Women are very uncomfortable being put on a pedestle. That's a big turn off in their mind. Think back to a time when a woman did the same to you. Did it not make you feel like something was wrong with them? Women are the same way. They put their pants on the same way as you and they want to be treated as an equal.

[riobikini]

UT,

 

Yeah, the anger helps...

 

I miss him but-

 

Right now, I wouldn't f*** him with a borrowed pvssy.

 

-Rio

[Ezydriver]

Got a good point there Caliguy, there have been 2 women in my life who I have liked, not just liked, but LIKED. These 2 were the very 2 that have both broken my heart. Why? because I thought by being 'nice' and making them feel special, that was what they wanted. Not at all, they didn't like their 'pedestals'. I am nice by nature, but I'm going to try to get a little less keen next time, especially if I really like them, I'll have the strength not to fear anything, to keep a 'mystery' to myself and a slight, if not moderate distance. Hell, they can chase me for a change.

Steve.

[CaliGuy]

Got a good point there Caliguy, there have been 2 women in my life who I have liked, not just liked, but LIKED. These 2 were the very 2 that have both broken my heart. Why? because I thought by being 'nice' and making them feel special, that was what they wanted. Not at all, they didn't like their 'pedestals'. I am nice by nature, but I'm going to try to get a little less keen next time, especially if I really like them, I'll have the strength not to fear anything, to keep a 'mystery' to myself and a slight, if not moderate distance. Hell, they can chase me for a change.

Steve.

Exactly.

 

Play a little hard to get. Truly be busy. That means hang out with your guy friends, have guy hobbies, be ambitious and have goals. Not just have them, but write them out and work on achieving them. Work out, be in good physical shape. Keep yourself looking good on the outside and it will help you on the inside.

 

Women do want to chase a man. I don't mean to sound condescending to any women here, but that's just how it is. A man that chases a woman is seen as not only weak but not much of a catch.

 

In the case of my Ex she has low self-esteem. She doesn't think she's very attractive (she is) so when I started chasing her she was thinking "Man, how much of a loser is this guy that I don't have to do anything and he's falling all over me. He's not very confident or sure of himself."

 

She's right, I wasn't. I was so totally in love with her that I forgot who I was. I wasn't much of a challenge to her and as such, any luster I had at the beginning of the relationship was quickly lost. She began to pity me (the mark of death!) and in the end she did everything she could to get out of the relationship, even to the point of treating me badly. Still, idiot me just keep at it, ignorant to what I was doing and why.

 

By the time I realized my mistakes it was far, far too late. Now that we haven't talked in 5 weeks (she has emailed me three times over Christmas), which is highly unlike me, I am sure there's some curiosity as to why. I am no longer pining after her, calling her, sending emails and gifts, poems and other stupid crap.

 

The stuff movies make romance out to be is all crap. They make men out to be something they are not and they make it seem that men who are romantic all the time get the women. That's just not a fact.

 

Men who are strong, confident, self-assured and a bit aloof are the ones who get the girl. They do it by, fact or not, by being at the cusp of 'unobtainable.' They figure there is a reason why that man is hard to get and they want to be the one that gets them.

 

In the case of my ex we broke up once and she immediately started dating another guy. One that she had to chase and chase hard. She only dated him a few weeks and was already falling in love with him. Why? He was the opposite of me. He rarely called or emailed her. He was aloof. He was confident in who he was and what he wanted. In fact, he even told her that if he has to choose a career or her, he'd choose he career. That make her go nuts. She was going to get this guy no matter what. He eventually moved away after her and I started dating again and when he did, he wrote her an email saying he was moving, see ya. She cried about it. He didn't even have the ball$ to call her and tell her yet she was upset about a guy who couldn't give a crap about her.

 

Tell me then why she wouldn't care about someone who loved her till the ends of the earth but went nuts over a guy who was unobtainable?

 

Because to her he was a challenge and she didn't want to lose. With me I provided no spark or interest because I left nothing for her to think about. I left everything on the table for her and as such, she had nothing to look forward to and no challenge.

 

Now that I am much more of a challenge, it's probably too late. Only time will tell but in the meantime I am going to continue to be aloof not just with her but any woman. I will make them wonder about me and think about me when I am not around. I will be charming, smile, be confident and self-assured and not lay my cards on the table.

 

No good poker player shows his hand before it's time. And even then, don't show all your cards. Just show one at a time and make sure you drag it out Gotta stay a challenge.

[UT_longhorn]

the sad thing is. even before the relationship started..i knew all these things. how to be challenging. not being too much of a "nice guy" but over time, we fell in love and i got more comfortable. i thought...that "challenge" thing is only in the begining of the relationship...and later on its all about giving and love. boy was i wrong. now i know..being a challenge is something to do for life.

 

i thought i knew "the game" but it sure shows that i dont. well..now i know...its a challenge for life.

 

no point crying over spilt milk.

[Ezydriver]

Caliguy, I completely and categorically agree with all you've said, this point of view, or fact raises many questions. If you have to play the 'hard to get' guy, but aren't naturally inclined to do so, then the act will get tiresome, you'll want to show that loving, caring compassionate side eventually, as UT Longhorn just pointed out that he did, after time, but not at first.

Therefore, I find no comfort (even though I agree wholeheartedly) with your reply, my question is, what are we supposed to do?

It seems if we show to women what we imagine them to want, or rather what we've been led to think they want, by both women and films, then we're doomed, however, if we put up an aloof front, we're going to loose our own identities amongst the 'lie' of the act. Then, if and when we let our front down, it seems that the woman will only then get bored having aquired her objective goal, and we're doomed.

Do you see what I'm getting at? it seems either put up an aloof front, and sort of make it an apparent lie, or be more romantic and get accused of being woosy and clingy. Maybe a blend of the two might work, be aloof, but randomly show gestures of spontaneous romance, I emphasise 'random' and 'spontaneous' so as not to let them see a pattern, they'll not be able to predict as and when it comes, so therefore will hold their interest.

Its a terribly cruel and controlling game though don't you think? This isn't in my nature.

WHAT DO YOU WOMEN WANT?

Regards,

Steve.

'

[CaliGuy]

I'd be interested in hearing the opinions of women too, so I'll start a new thread on that.

[riobikini]

I'm ready to contribute to that thread whenever you get it started, men.

 

(Wink)

 

-Rio

[UT_longhorn]

oh my god. another horrible day for me. my heart is hurting so bad. this life is getting tiresome.

 

i need some re assurance that things will get better guys. help...i feel like im drowning in sorrow.

[honda12345]

UT hang in there. I am only on the second day of NC. So you are my hero. you are doing so much better. When I wanna call my ex, I pick up the phone and call my friends. I am picking up a lot of OT at work. Think about this, you love her and that her happiness means more than anything to you. And she chose to break up with you so she can be happy. Then let her be. I know you wanna call her and apologize and tell her how much you love her. But that doesnt mean a thing to her. She wants space and freedom. So give her that to show her that you respect her and love her deep down inside. That's the least and all you could do right now :-) Keep sharing.

[UT_longhorn]

man..thanks honda. 2nd day. man you are pretty level for being day 2. Keep your head up dude. I'm here to help you any time you need any words.

 

i talked to a good friend .. and her words of wisdom were :

 

Really let go.

really let go of the thought that she's coming back or we're going to br friends...or anything. i must let her go. i know i was holding on to hope...but today, i deleted her name of my IM. I deleted her numbers from my phone. I vowed not to search for any signs of her. shes not coming back. shes not thinking about me. shes moving on with her life. i must do the same.

 

I MUST move on. I'm sick of being in the same limbo the whole time.

 

Stop feeling sorry for myself.

There have been trillions and trillions of heartaches in the world. Mine is not the greatest nor will it be the last. I have grieved now I must push myself to move on. I will grow from this. I will build a thicker skin because of this. I will better myself from this. I will learn from this. I will emerge victorious from this.

 

Im a good catch

I have a well paying job. I am tall and have been told good looking. I attract women. I will find love in the future. I am worthy of love and someone new that will treat me great.

 

I'm trying guys. These up and down swings are crazy. How's everyone else doing today?

[riobikini]

UT,

 

I'm doing OK.

 

Sorry to hear you're going through it again.

 

The mood swings will happen for awhile.

 

Trying not to get sucked into them is where the battle is at.

 

Your mind's video-replay is like a really B-I-G wrestler that just happens to hold Champion Titles.

 

And you keep climbing into the ring and getting clobbered.

 

The reason you keep doing this is because you still have shreds of this irrational, fantastical, hope that you might just find something that will turn things around, and your heart is more than willing to go along with that idea.

 

Since your heart is always all for whatever will allow the emotion of love, it drags your mind there, along with it.

 

Since your mind's job is to rationalize emotions, it winds up often, in a helluva fight.

 

Eventually they both win, as contradictory as it sounds.

 

And eventually, the opposing sides draw up a truce, allowing you to move on ahead with your life.

 

That's because neither side wants to be stuck there without experiencing the true happiness that should come with any love.

 

In time, both sides will vote for what makes you happiest, -meanwhile, they are just busy negotiating the contract.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[UT_longhorn]

Rio...did you end uup going to that dinner with the fellow you mentioned?

[riobikini]

UT,

 

I cancelled (had to),-but rescheduled.

 

Still looking forward to it.

 

Interesting man....and he's rather talented.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio