Is he happy?

[OW10]

It's been nearly 2 years since he dumped me like I was nothing. I still have to see him at work. I crashed hard over this and haven't been able to find a new job. Mental issues, lost everything over him.

And he walks around like he has it all. And he has, actually. His wife bends over backwards to please him. She instantly forgave (at least) 2 affairs.. He said she trusted him again, after a few months. 

He claimed to never want to lose me and yet he is there, every single day, and doesn't say a word, doesn't even look at me. He was harsh for his wife, claiming she wasn't good enough for him, he could do better. 

 

Why is he still with her then. Why is he happy? Why does she forgive so easily?

 

I can see he is not a good person but I doubt myself over that because she still wants him. 

I cannot get rid of the feelings and I ruminate a lot. Do marriages really work out after 2 affairs? 

[basil67]

Given there is no way for anyone to know the answers to these questions, I'm assuming that you're venting.   Has your therapist given you tools to stop with intrusive thoughts?

Are you still married to your husband?   

 

Edited February 24 by basil67

[BreakOnThrough]

Get a new job, leave the past behind.  Won't happen if you are there to wallow in it all.

[OW10]

I know, it's rambling. These are just the thoughts that keep going trough my mind for the past 2 years. 

He was SO in love with me. Said he couldn't live without me, constant messaging. I was the best relationship he ever had, never felt anything alike. The thing is, he seemed sincere. And althought he couldn't make the choice there was a time I didn't doubt his love for me because it was very apparant. His sweetness, concern.. It doesn't seem like the kind of man who can fake something like that. 

It's hard. He went completely cold within hours after dumping me. Wouldn't answer my questions, went mad because I wanted answers about whether it was real. After a couple of weeks he claimed he loved his wife even more every day. After all the ugly things he said about her.. 

He's just so happy right now and I keep wondering.. Do you forget someone you loved so much in two years? How does home suddenly feel great if his marriage was wasting away for years (emotionally, they didn't talk he said). If you fell in love with so many women during marriage?  He won't even look at me.. 

I KNOW I have to find a new job. I already a couple of job interviews and I know for a fact I'll leave once I find something good that doesn't feel like going backwards. I already gave up everything for him while he gets to keep it all. Feels like he's 'winning'. Had therapy for 2 years.. Taking small steps. Confidence is coming back but I still suffer from depression because of this. 

Problem is I'm also in the process of moving and mentally, I can't handle both at the same time. 

 

Just wondering.. Is this normal? Going cold like this?

After that day, he NEVER talked to me again or texted me to ask how I was doing. He just doesn't seem to care about what I'm going through in the aftermath of.. I feel like I was nothing while we were 'together' for months. Just a quick fix for his marriage...

How do marriages go on after (at least) 2 affairs? I don't understand..

[KentuckyEsq]

38 minutes ago, OW10 said:

I know, it's rambling. These are just the thoughts that keep going trough my mind for the past 2 years. 

He was SO in love with me. Said he couldn't live without me, constant messaging. I was the best relationship he ever had, never felt anything alike. The thing is, he seemed sincere. And althought he couldn't make the choice there was a time I didn't doubt his love for me because it was very apparant. His sweetness, concern.. It doesn't seem like the kind of man who can fake something like that. 

It's hard. He went completely cold within hours after dumping me. Wouldn't answer my questions, went mad because I wanted answers about whether it was real. After a couple of weeks he claimed he loved his wife even more every day. After all the ugly things he said about her.. 

He's just so happy right now and I keep wondering.. Do you forget someone you loved so much in two years? How does home suddenly feel great if his marriage was wasting away for years (emotionally, they didn't talk he said). If you fell in love with so many women during marriage?  He won't even look at me.. 

I KNOW I have to find a new job. I already a couple of job interviews and I know for a fact I'll leave once I find something good that doesn't feel like going backwards. I already gave up everything for him while he gets to keep it all. Feels like he's 'winning'. Had therapy for 2 years.. Taking small steps. Confidence is coming back but I still suffer from depression because of this. 

Problem is I'm also in the process of moving and mentally, I can't handle both at the same time. 

 

Just wondering.. Is this normal? Going cold like this?

After that day, he NEVER talked to me again or texted me to ask how I was doing. He just doesn't seem to care about what I'm going through in the aftermath of.. I feel like I was nothing while we were 'together' for months. Just a quick fix for his marriage...

How do marriages go on after (at least) 2 affairs? I don't understand..

You fell victim to a love bombing narcissist. As did I. It's so easy to do, but you can't believe a word they say. They lie as easily as others breath. Mine being ghosted has only been 2 months and I feel like I'll never get over this. 2 years in...I feel for you. It just completely shatters you. 

[Carlston]

11 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said:

You fell victim to a love bombing narcissist. As did I. It's so easy to do, but you can't believe a word they say. They lie as easily as others breath. Mine being ghosted has only been 2 months and I feel like I'll never get over this. 2 years in...I feel for you. It just completely shatters you. 

Amazing how you can diagnose a person as a narcissist, having a) never met them b) not being a licensed mental health professional and c) based on a brief description provided by someone else who is biased.

You said you too were a victim of a narcissist. Was your narcissist diagnosed by a mental health professional or is this just your own diagnosis based on your experience and what you think constitutes being narcissistic?

Sorry to be rather critical but it's a pet peeve of mine that the particular term is thrown around so often it appears to apply to just about everyone's ex.

 

[Strangerpb]

I am in the same boat. Read my post and you can see. I think the narcissist reply is the best and most honest. 
I am in a state and I am constantly thinking about suicide because of the abandonment 

I can’t live like this much longer and there is no help available. Everyone says you have to help yourself but when the love of your life leaves you go like you were nothing……. Death seems to me to be my only way out of this pain. 
sadly strangerpb

[OW10]

Hi strangerpb,

While I completely sympathise with your feeling (i also still have very dark thoughts sometimes), I just want to have a word of encouragement for you..

 

It will get better. I'm still not out of it because of the sudden cold and brutal discard, but we will get there. And I'm not as emotional as I was 2 years ago. It hurts because I still have to see him en I see he's picked up life again and happy.. Once I have a holiday or another job, I'm sure recovery will go faster..

There is hope. But I know the feeling. It's devastating knowing you maybe just meant nothing. 

On the other hand, he's a jerk.. Would you want to live with someone who can do that to you? He's selfish..

We have to pick ourselves up and let this go. They are not worth messing up our lives over them.. 

I'm here if you want to talk. 

[KentuckyEsq]

4 hours ago, Carlston said:

Amazing how you can diagnose a person as a narcissist, having a) never met them b) not being a licensed mental health professional and c) based on a brief description provided by someone else who is biased.

You said you too were a victim of a narcissist. Was your narcissist diagnosed by a mental health professional or is this just your own diagnosis based on your experience and what you think constitutes being narcissistic?

Sorry to be rather critical but it's a pet peeve of mine that the particular term is thrown around so often it appears to apply to just about everyone's ex.

 

"Someone with narcissistic tendencies/behaviors. . ." Is that better?

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, OW10 said:

Said he couldn't live without me, constant messaging. I was the best relationship he ever had, never felt anything alike. The thing is, he seemed sincere.

He was obviously lying so he could continue to have some extra on the side.  If he really had loved you he would have left his wife and asked you to divorce your husband so you two could be together.  Why didn't you leave your husband if MM was the one you wanted and how could you still be with him when you're in love with another man?

[OW10]

I'm not.. divorced him because of my feelings for MM.. He knew I wanted to move on with him, he saw my marriage failing because of him (he chased me, typical), he was the one dreaming of a future together.. He knew I was giving up at home and he let me.. He knew what he was doing. 

Until I demanded he'd choose. Quick decision and he was mad at me about that, I guess. I think he wanted this to last a couple of months of years longer. 

It was wrong, but it was love for me and I just wanted out of the guilt. I payed in the end, he never did. 

Some people really get away with everything in life 🙂 

[stillafool]

I'm sorry.  He is definitely a pos.  I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't his first affair and when women want to take it further than an affair, he loses interest.  In otherwords, he wants is wife and an affair partner.  Many cheating MM talk badly about the wife and how they want to leave to the OW.  Think about it, if he told you he loved his wife but needed sex on the side, would you have gotten involved with him?  It's doubtful you would.  So they lie.

[Georgia46]

On 2/24/2025 at 7:12 PM, OW10 said:

It's been nearly 2 years since he dumped me like I was nothing. I still have to see him at work. I crashed hard over this and haven't been able to find a new job. Mental issues, lost everything over him.

And he walks around like he has it all. And he has, actually. His wife bends over backwards to please him. She instantly forgave (at least) 2 affairs.. He said she trusted him again, after a few months. 

He claimed to never want to lose me and yet he is there, every single day, and doesn't say a word, doesn't even look at me. He was harsh for his wife, claiming she wasn't good enough for him, he could do better. 

 

Why is he still with her then. Why is he happy? Why does she forgive so easily?

 

I can see he is not a good person but I doubt myself over that because she still wants him. 

I cannot get rid of the feelings and I ruminate a lot. Do marriages really work out after 2 affairs? 

The best thing for you is to find a new job and then you will never have to set eyes on this scumbag again.   Out of sight, out of mind and all that.   Well maybe not completely out of mind but it will deffo help given time where you don’t see him.  
 

Being discarded absolutely destroys you through and through, but you *will* get over it.   You have to as you have no choice, you don’t want to let one person ruin the rest of your life. 
 

let his wife worry about him now, sadly she will learn the hard way. 
 

You will get there but you have to help yourself and take care of yourself.   Good luck. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, OW10 said:

How do marriages go on after (at least) 2 affairs? I don't understand..

I don’t understand that either. It would not be my decision, but it was their decision and it is not for you to understand their marriage. 

The other thing that I don’t understand, how you could have ever trusted a married man who you knew to be involved in not one but two affairs?

Do you see what I’m saying - you are trying to use logic to understand something that in my opinion is illogical - and irrelevant given that’s it’s not your marriage and not your decision. The same could be said for your decision making here - where is the logic in your decision to get involved with another woman’s husband? That seems illogical to me - but that’s not for me to understand, it’s for you to understand. 

The short answers are - you made a very poor decision to trust a man who you know to be dishonest and untrustworthy. And, he stayed in his marriage and ended all communication with you because this is more often than not how affairs end. There is nothing unusual or incomprehensible  about this - except for the fact that you were so sure that your affair was going to have a different ending, it’s still difficult for you to accept the reality of the situation. You believed his words when he told you that he loved you which was a huge mistake - he also promised to love and respect his wife, how has that worked out for her? His actions tell a very different story - 

I’m sorry for your pain but seriously - the question that you should be asking is not “why did they stay married, is he really happy” but “how could I have made such a poor decision, and how can I grow from this experience to be sure that I never trust unwisely again.”

 

Edited Wednesday at 07:00 PM by BaileyB

[flitzanu]

10 hours ago, OW10 said:

 

How do marriages go on after (at least) 2 affairs? I don't understand..

he had you convinced that he was the best thing in the world...enough to make you cheat on your husband to sleep with him.

so, chances are he probably has his wife convinced (or...destroyed her own self image) enough to believe she can never do better than him and that she will be worthless without him.

you're free of this horrible man, but she has to stay with him for life because if she knows he cheated, she's made the decision to stay with a cheater.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, OW10 said:

he saw my marriage failing because of him (he chased me, typical),

If we have appropriate boundaries, a man can chase all he wants and gets nothing.   

Your marriage was either already failing and this made you more susceptible to an affair, or your marriage failed because you made the choice to step out on your husband.   You cannot blame the OM for this

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, OW10 said:

he saw my marriage failing because of him

No, your marriage was failing because it was failing.

Marriages are never destroyed from outside by a third party, only from within, by the spouses themselves.

 

7 hours ago, OW10 said:

Some people really get away with everything in life

I assure you it’s not true. Deep down he knows that what he did was bad, and one day this will come back to haunt him. Don’t be fooled by his apparent happiness and by the fact that his wife forgave him his constant betrayals. Nothing good will come out of it unless he truly repents and changes, which will surely be a very long and painful process. And if he doesn’t repent, he’ll be eaten alive by guilt. He’ll be miserable without even being aware of what has caused it.

[OW10]

On 2/26/2025 at 7:56 PM, BaileyB said:

I don’t understand that either. It would not be my decision, but it was their decision and it is not for you to understand their marriage. 

The other thing that I don’t understand, how you could have ever trusted a married man who you knew to be involved in not one but two affairs?

Do you see what I’m saying - you are trying to use logic to understand something that in my opinion is illogical - and irrelevant given that’s it’s not your marriage and not your decision. The same could be said for your decision making here - where is the logic in your decision to get involved with another woman’s husband? That seems illogical to me - but that’s not for me to understand, it’s for you to understand. 

The short answers are - you made a very poor decision to trust a man who you know to be dishonest and untrustworthy. And, he stayed in his marriage and ended all communication with you because this is more often than not how affairs end. There is nothing unusual or incomprehensible  about this - except for the fact that you were so sure that your affair was going to have a different ending, it’s still difficult for you to accept the reality of the situation. You believed his words when he told you that he loved you which was a huge mistake - he also promised to love and respect his wife, how has that worked out for her? His actions tell a very different story - 

I’m sorry for your pain but seriously - the question that you should be asking is not “why did they stay married, is he really happy” but “how could I have made such a poor decision, and how can I grow from this experience to be sure that I never trust unwisely again.”

 

I was already in love when I learnt of his first affair. He was hesitant to tell me. He said he fell in love multiple times during his marriage and he spoke of 1 slip up where he met up with a MW for sex. He said that was a one time thing. 

And yes, I stupidly trusted him. After he claim clean I stupidly trusted him more because, he seemed to like and trust me enough to come clean about what he did.

Still don't know if his wife knows about the first one (if it was just one).. and that he came back to me while she knew something and they were in marriage counselling.. It eats me inside..

They're rich, with 3 children. And I'm alone with my life going nowhere.. I often wonder why I'm still here.. It's agony, seeing him going on lots of these happy trips with her and they kids. Knowing he destroyed me and I was just nothing.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, OW10 said:

And yes, I stupidly trusted him. After he claim clean I stupidly trusted him more because, he seemed to like and trust me enough to come clean about what he did.

Hopefully you have learned a valuable lesson here: you cannot and should never trust people like him. 

You have no idea if he was telling you the truth about his past affairs or his marriage - or even his feelings for you. I don't doubt he had feelings on some level but this is also clearly a man who knows exactly what women want to hear and what they will fall for. 

2 hours ago, OW10 said:

It's agony, seeing him going on lots of these happy trips with her and they kids.

Then stop looking. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, OW10 said:

It's agony, seeing him going on lots of these happy trips with her and they kids.

It’s time to make the decisions that are necessary for you to move on with your life - that’s not happening as long as you continue to stay in contact with this man. Clearly.

In this life, there is grief, heartache, and pain - none can avoid that. And then, there is suffering. It seems to me that you are suffering because you have not yet been truly willing to let go. I hope you decide to end the suffering soon - 

Edited Saturday at 01:22 PM by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, OW10 said:

I was already in love when I learnt of his first affair. He was hesitant to tell me. He said he fell in love multiple times during his marriage and he spoke of 1 slip up where he met up with a MW for sex.

If that wasn’t a red flag, I don’t know what would have been… he lied by omission. He began a relationship with you without sharing a pretty important piece of information - but then again, he is cheating on his wife so you know he is not faithful, honest, or trustworthy. What’s more, he was hesitant to tell you… I would bet money that what you got wasn’t the full truth. 
 

5 hours ago, OW10 said:

After he claim clean I stupidly trusted him more because, he seemed to like and trust me enough to come clean about what he did.

Indeed, you took his “admission” as a sign that you could trust him - that he loved you and trusted you enough to share his secret - 

Rather than seeing this admission for the red flag that it was, you realize that you twisted it to support the narrative that you so badly wanted to hear - 

Do you realize that you are still trying to do that when you ask the questions - why does she stay? Is he happy? How could they go on vacation together like a happy family? You are trying to gather supporting evidence to support your belief that she should not stay with a cheater, they should not be happy in their marriage. And, it’s difficult to do so because based on their Facebook photos - their life goes on… 

This pain ends when you say it ends. And not a moment before. 

Edited Saturday at 02:01 PM by BaileyB

[OW10]

Thanks for the replies. In my head, I just know what to do. Let go, get a new job. Just can't seem to do it. Stuck in rumination and depression mode. 

Also still cannot believe it wasn't real.

I have issues with self esteem, always have. I'm in therapy but just can't seem to make something of life on my own. Even now, I keep thinking maybe I am the difficult one. Maybe he is a great guy if she is willing to fight for him. He is liked at work by everyone or so it seems. I still hate myself for what I did to my ex, especially now knowing what kind of guy I gave up everything for. 

[BaileyB]

59 minutes ago, OW10 said:

Maybe he is a great guy if she is willing to fight for him. He is liked at work by everyone or so it seems.

With kindness, you are attending to the wrong things - the words spoken by a man that you know to be a liar, his popularity at work, social media posts… Attend to his actions. They tell you a lot about his character.

Men who cheat are often very charismatic. They craft a public image that is contrary to the not so good things they are doing in their personal lives. The consequences of his decisions haven’t caught up with him yet, but they will. Eventually. 

You need to stop waiting for the day that this will happen because it likely isn’t coming anytime soon. What prevents you from moving on with your life? Are you waiting for the day that he is going to lose his marriage and/or come to you to tell you that he was wrong - either he has decided that you were always “the one” or he is sorry that he hurt you. That day is not coming… He has moved on and he is apparently incapable of feeling any remorse. Lesson learned - he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, he is not a good man. 
 

59 minutes ago, OW10 said:

I have issues with self esteem, always have. I'm in therapy but just can't seem to make something of life on my own. Even now, I keep thinking maybe I am the difficult one. I still hate myself for what I did to my ex, especially now knowing what kind of guy I gave up everything for. 

Keep working in therapy on finding forgiveness for yourself and changing this negative self talk. This experience is an opportunity for serious personal growth - if you take it as such. 

You might consider writing some letters that you will never send if you haven’t already done so - to your MM, releasing your anger and letting him go. To your ex-husband, apologizing and asking for forgiveness. And to yourself, forgiving yourself for the mistakes that you have made, highlighting the things that you have learned from this experienced and what you plan to do moving forward to create a better life for yourself.

And then, you move forward… life is to be lived looking forward, not looking out the rear view window. 

Edited Saturday at 04:35 PM by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, OW10 said:

Maybe he is a great guy if she is willing to fight for him.

You can't possibly be serious with this.

You know perfectly well that he's a crap-bag. But his wife clearly has her own reasons for staying. You cannot compare yourself with her. She has a whole life invested with him. They have a family. You have no idea what life is like for her. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors between them. You have no clue if what he told you about her is true. Maybe he was the one begging her not to leave him. You've made the mistake of assuming his reports of "instant forgiveness" were true. Perhaps he was the one freaking out and crying and doing whatever he could to fight for her. That happens often enough too, even if the cheating partner sells a totally different story to the affair partner. 

2 hours ago, OW10 said:

He is liked at work by everyone

So? They don't know about his affairs, I am guessing. They are missing big pieces of the puzzle.

9 hours ago, OW10 said:

seeing him going on lots of these happy trips with her and they kids

I have to ask, where are you seeing this? Are you connected with him on social media? 

[OW10]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You can't possibly be serious with this.

You know perfectly well that he's a crap-bag. But his wife clearly has her own reasons for staying. You cannot compare yourself with her. She has a whole life invested with him. They have a family. You have no idea what life is like for her. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors between them. You have no clue if what he told you about her is true. Maybe he was the one begging her not to leave him. You've made the mistake of assuming his reports of "instant forgiveness" were true. Perhaps he was the one freaking out and crying and doing whatever he could to fight for her. That happens often enough too, even if the cheating partner sells a totally different story to the affair partner. 

So? They don't know about his affairs, I am guessing. They are missing big pieces of the puzzle.

I have to ask, where are you seeing this? Are you connected with him on social media? 

A lot of coworkers know what happened. Yet, they seem to just put it aside like it's the most normal thing in the world.

And as for his holidays, I just know. He's the kind of guy that spends all of his holidays (quite a lot) abroad. I hear it from coworkers. Every chance he gets, he's gone for the weekend or the holidays. Lots of money and freedom to go as you please at work will give you this opportunity. I actually believe he's very happy at home with this lifestyle.