Is he happy?

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, OW10 said:

A lot of coworkers know what happened. Yet, they seem to just put it aside like it's the most normal thing in the world

What do you expect them to do, really? You all work together. I doubt they are going to create problems at work because he is cheating clown in his personal life. 

45 minutes ago, OW10 said:

Lots of money and freedom to go as you please at work will give you this opportunity.

Well. yes, of course. But that has nothing to do with your affair with him. You seem resentful of him on a level that goes beyond being hurt that he didn't treat you well. If he earns a lot of money, he is free to do as he likes with it. Why shouldn't he and his family enjoy that financial freedom? 

47 minutes ago, OW10 said:

I actually believe he's very happy at home with this lifestyle.

He probably is. Again, why wouldn't he be? He sounds like exactly the type to live the "good life", so to speak, and not really care who gets hurt along the way. It sucks, but you also should have realized he's that type given that he's a serial cheater. 

Look, I am not saying the way he treated you is right. I am not saying he's a good guy, or that it doesn't hurt to see him enjoying his life. But you seem upset more about your own position in life and lack of opportunity or financial comfort. I would dig deeper there. You appear to be projecting a lot dissatisfacton onto him, but you have got to take accountability for the choices you made that brought you here. 

What is keeping you so stuck in the past? Why do you think you haven't been able to do better for yourself, 2 years on? 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, OW10 said:

A lot of coworkers know what happened. Yet, they seem to just put it aside like it's the most normal thing in the world.

What do you expect them to do? Call him out? Avoid him? They need to deal with him at work too. It is quite literally their job to work with the man, and that means that they need to be polite and respectful in the workplace. You don’t know what they are really thinking - they could be thinking, “What a sleaze! Put on a fake smile at work but I have no respect for this guy.” 

As expat said, you do a TON of projecting - you project related to what you think his marriage is, you project related to how he is perceived at work, and quite honestly, you project your own dissatisfaction and disappointment onto the man… I too want to know why you think you haven’t been able to move on in the past two years… have you heard any of the discussion here? It seems to me that you take almost every post and come back with a “ya, but…” and then go right back into your head - projecting and trying to rationalize a situation that you don’t understand or have any control over… and that will keep you stuck. 

[OW10]

I know I project a lot. It's been told by my therapist and co-workers too. 

Just don't seem to get out of that despite all the help. I keep getting stuck over the nice words and the fact he completely lovebombed me at the beginning versus his going cold afterwards. It was like he was a completely different person who never cared about me. I think I keep asking myself if any of it was real and if it was, how it can be easy to go back to a marriage like that and just be happy about it. Because I couldn't. I compare a lot. His marriage, my marriage, his life, my life. 

I'm beginning to accept he didn't really love me indeed, because if he loved me he would have acted. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, OW10 said:

how it can be easy to go back to a marriage like that and just be happy about it. Because I couldn't.

But you are not him. You can't apply your own thinking to someone else. He's shown you very clearly that he doesn't think the way you do. 

3 hours ago, OW10 said:

I compare a lot. His marriage, my marriage, his life, my life. 

And why do you think you are doing this? Do you regret ending your marriage? 

3 hours ago, OW10 said:

Just don't seem to get out of that despite all the help

What sort of techniques or advice has your therapist given you? I am wondering if you are applying that advice, or if you might need a different therapist. Something is obviously not working here. 

[OW10]

On 3/3/2025 at 1:23 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

But you are not him. You can't apply your own thinking to someone else. He's shown you very clearly that he doesn't think the way you do. 

And why do you think you are doing this? Do you regret ending your marriage? 

What sort of techniques or advice has your therapist given you? I am wondering if you are applying that advice, or if you might need a different therapist. Something is obviously not working here. 

I do indeed regret ending the marriage, but my ex immediately found someone else and he is very happy. I wish him all the best. 
I loved him but I had problems being intimate with him. There was a lot of love and comfort in the marriage but I wasn't attracted to him anymore and the intimacy had never been very good. 

I still don't know if I/we made the right decision ending it, because it was a good marriage on other levels. But there is no turning back and I know it's not okay to deny your spouse of intimacy, and especially not running away from the situation in an affair. I still have a lot of guilt. 

This guy came in, sweeps me off my feet and after a while, I caved and gave in to the feelings that kept on growing, I guess. 

Therapy doesn't work so well. I talk all the time and my therapist listens and occasionaly gives me some sort of insight. I understand a lot of the patterns that brought me here, but I still don't know how I let go of this man. I don't get a lot of techniques to let go. He tells me it's trauma, because I have physical reactions when I see this man, even his car. After 2 years, I still have him in my mind for 80% of my daytime. I know it's not okay but I can't stop the continuous thoughts.. I am an overthinker so that doesn't help. The complete and brutal discard just left me completely broken, still does. My ex choosing another woman over me also just tells me I'm not good enough for another man (or so the thoughtprocess keeps going). 

It was like this MM presented himself to me like the man of my dreams: busy, good job, good income, handsome and very masculine, good at all sorts of things and the sex was amazing.
At times, I seem to know he's a douche, but on some levels I still put him on a pedestal way above me because of his fancy lifestyle, charm and succes and I think I still love him. The not knowing what he said to me was true or real love and his coldness and just being cruel afterwards keep me in rumination mode, which I'm aware of I shouldn't do.. 

Why does a man cheat on a wife he has a happy life with? A wife he bashes behind her back, only to claim he very much loves her still afterwards..

 

I'm afraid I'll never get over him and I'll never fall in love again because I keep comparing dates.. My ex and him have been the only ones I've fallen in love with so far. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, OW10 said:

Why does a man cheat on a wife he has a happy life with?

It's useless to keep going over this in your mind. We don't have the answers, and you never will either. 

4 hours ago, OW10 said:

Therapy doesn't work so well. I talk all the time and my therapist listens and occasionaly gives me some sort of insight

Have you considered changing therapists? 

[basil67]

As your current methods of coping aren't having any success, try turning it around:    Stop blaming him and start taking responsibility for your own decisions and behaviour.  If you had said "I am not the kind of woman who gets involved with married men" none of this would have happened.  

No more excuses, or self pity.   Hold yourself accountable for your downfall