1st year of marriage is tough!

[Theresak92]

My husband and I have been married since last spring… and let me start off with saying I love my husband and I know he loves me as well. However, we fight and argue ALOT. I don’t want to get into so much details about our problems and arguments because this would turn ina novel. We always have had problems and I have asked more than once to seek help from a couple counselor. He does not want to. We do have our good moments and when these happen I almost forget about our often bad times. I am very well aware that we have an unhealthy toxic relationship and marriage. I think the only thing that keeps us together is that we both love each other. But how long will this love last? However my major issue is that I’m in my mid 30s, I have no children. So if him and I were to get separate and divorce I feel as though my time would run out to have a child of my own. I know that’s not a reason to stay with someone. But I feel like it’s my last chance to become a parent. Any feedback and advice would be appreciated. 

[Gebidozo]

59 minutes ago, Theresak92 said:

I am very well aware that we have an unhealthy toxic relationship and marriage. I think the only thing that keeps us together is that we both love each other. But how long will this love last?

Not long if the relationship is really unhealthy and toxic and your husband doesn’t want to do anything to change that. Sorry, but in this case the relationship is doomed.

 

1 hour ago, Theresak92 said:

So if him and I were to get separate and divorce I feel as though my time would run out to have a child of my own. I know that’s not a reason to stay with someone.

Of course it’s not a reason to stay with someone. Also, you still have a better chance if you divorce now than if you stay and wait until your husband changes, which might never happen. I hope you realize that bringing a child into this toxic environment would be a very selfish and irresponsible act. You shouldn’t use a child to solve your relationship problems. And you shouldn’t have a child just because you want to, without regard to the child’s welfare. 

[Els]

That's a terrible reason to stay with someone, and you know this already.

Look, if you have a functional uterus and ovaries, you can have a child literally any time you want. You can step into a sperm donor clinic tomorrow, pay a few hundred dollars and be on your way.

The part that you would struggle with is finding a partner who will be a good parent. However, staying in a toxic relationship doesn't give you that at all. And statistically speaking, your hypothetical child would have a much better time with a single parent, than growing up in a dysfunctional, toxic, strife-ridden household.

Edited February 25 by Els

[BaileyB]

How long have you known the man? Did you live together prior to marriage?

I was also married last spring. We lived together for five years prior to the wedding and while it was an adjustment initially, we have never fought in the way that you describe. That kind of conflict is not inherent in the first year of marriage - at least, that has not been my experience. 

I understand your desire to have a child but please don’t bring a child into a home that is tempestuous and full of conflict.

If he doesn’t agree that there is a problem or if he is not motivated to improve the situation, that’s your answer right there in terms of the future of this relationship. 

Hopefully you can talk with him more and the two of you can get on the same page regarding your relationship and your future. Best wishes. 

Edited February 25 by BaileyB

[GussyMcfussy]

Try to figure out what is sparking the arguments. Make a list of topics that have been argued about and try to figure out why these topics make you both emotionally charged.