Should I go no contact with my sick mother?

[Pete55]

55 year old man here. I'm considering wiping my 80 year old mother from my life but not sure if I should or how to go about it+. I'll give you some background and so forth.

My mum has always been hard-going to deal with. She was never physically abusive, and no-one would suspect her of being difficult, unless you lived with her. My parents were both from desperately poor backgrounds but managed to live a life where we were comfortable - nothing extra but always plenty of food, clothes often homemade, things always bought on discount. Mum in particular had a bit of a traumatic childhood, losing her mother early and kicked out of home at 15. Anyway, as we grew up, people often saw our family (3 kids, me the youngest) as being one fo those solid quality families to look up to. 

Here are some of the facts about her.

Mum was always moody and you constantly had to walk on eggshells around her, and this hasn't changed. If being judgemental was an Olympic sport, she might not win but she'd certainly be on the podium. She believes there are only 2 opinions - hers and the wrong one. Anyone who doesn't fit neatly into the mould she sees as being 'right' is looked down upon. She doesn't berate them, but just offers snide comments usually followed by a humourless laugh to pretend she doesn't mean it. When I met my now-wife, she wouod make comments behind my back to her about taking me away from her, followed by her patented laugh. Growing up, I was regularly told I was an unplanned mistake, the result of a failed IUD - she thought it was funny, and it might have been had it not been frequent and if she follwoed it up with "I'm glad it failed". Her response to my own mental health issues was to say defensively that it didn't come from her side and wasn't her fault. If anyone is sick, she is sicker. If anyone is in pain, she has something worse. She visited us on my daughter's 16th birthday, said nothing, gave nothing and when she was gently reminded, gave a self-serving explanation and still couldn't bring herself to say happy birthday. She criticises my children (who are now adults) and then complains that she barely knows them - that's because they can't stand her.

I've always struggled with my feelings for her. Objectively, I don't like her, have no love for her and disagree fundamentally with her views on politics and social issues. This wouldn't matter if she didn't feel obliged to bring them up, and I have stitches in my tongue from biting it so hard and so regularly. However, my sense of obligation makes me stay in touch with her, albeit infrequently, and just grit my teeth. Luckily, I live 2 days drive from her so that makes it a bit easier. My brother, the oldest, is a laidback character who avoids trouble, but Mum won't talk to him much because she hates his wife. My sister is the peacemaker and the organiser and the favourite, which I have no problem with at all as she does much more for Mum and spends more time with her. Her husband left her due to his sexuality which resulted in Mum bringing out all the homophobic slurs.

Anyway, all of the above may explain why I don't like her but the final straw for me was recent. Mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in October just gone. My sister was overseas so my brother and his wife (yes, the one she hates) cut short their holiday and drove 3 days to help look after her while she dealth with the news and started treatment, over a period of about a month. Ddin't stop Mum hating my sister-in-law though. Everyday over the next couple of months, my wife, who is the sweetest woman alive, searched out inspirational quotes and positive GIFs and sent them every morning to Mum to make her feel better, even though she hasn't always been treated wel by herl. Just before Christmas, my wife had an accident at work that resulted in severe damage to her arm,. She was in hospital for a week awaiting surgery. Not once did my mother contact her to see how she was until I sent a poorly-coded message to my sister saying it might be nice. Since then, any update I've given to my mother about my wife has basically resulted in one-upmanship. I sent a photo of my wife's surgery scar - Mum tells me her scar is bigger. I mention that she still has a bit of pain - my mother's pain is worse. Her mental health is worse than mine.

I just don't want to deal with her anymore. I'm a very non-confrontational person who avoids conflict as much as I can so, even though I've offered signs that I'm unhappy or given barely-concealed messages, she is so self-absorbed that I honestly think she would be completely surprised if I stop talking to her. Having to deal with her just triggers me. It's taken me 55 years to feel comfortable in my own skin and I just don't want to absorb her negativity and judgement anymore. I know that it seems heartless from the outside to do this while she is battling with cancer - I recognise this -  but a lifetime of dealing with her has taken it's toll. It's like the water dripping on the stone - eventually it wears it down. I don't like, let alone love, this woman - why should I pretend any longer?

Please offer genuine advice but be gentle. I have no problem with being offered advice different from what I think, but my self-esteem is so damaged after all this that I fear personal attacks or insults, and I don't think I can deal rationally with that.

Thank you for reading this. Sorry to be so lengthy

[ShyViolet]

I would definitely reduce contact.  I'm not sure if I would cut off contact 100%.  Do whatever you need to do for your own mental health and well being.  Imagine that you cut off contact, and then your Mom passed away a few months later.  Would you feel guilty, or not?  There is no correct answer.  Do whatever you feel would be right for you.

[Pete55]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

I would definitely reduce contact.  I'm not sure if I would cut off contact 100%.  Do whatever you need to do for your own mental health and well being.  Imagine that you cut off contact, and then your Mom passed away a few months later.  Would you feel guilty, or not?  There is no correct answer.  Do whatever you feel would be right for you.

Thank you for your reply.

You've validated the path I was thinking of going, which makes me feel a bit more confident in doing so. I just need to have a prepared response ready for when she calls and asks why I haven't called or contacted her for a while, which I think I can do. I think I will only go no contact if she does something absolutely atrocious, which my daughter thinks is a given.

You'd think at 55 I'd have sorted this stuff out but it's amazing how a parent can still make you feel small and insecure.

Thank you again - much appreciated.