It's not an affair, but we aren't just friends either.

[Sunflowerssf]

So I’m very, very confused and would like a 3rd party insight into what the he’ll is going on. Of course, I can’t open up to anyone in my real life so here I am. Me and the guy in question, Sam, are both married. We have known each other since the age of 14, and we have both been married to our other halves for 16 years. We lost contact over the initial beginning years of the marriages but reconnected around 10 years ago. 
 

we became closer and closer, and 2 years ago we had sex. It wasn’t planned,  and just happened in the moment. It wasn’t the best sex I have ever experienced and I didn’t regret it atall, but understood it was wrong and we agreed it wasn’t to happen again. With that year it happened a further 2 times, and I turned down in person another 3 times. All the times we have had sex hasn’t been planned and was more a case of opportunity. 
 

after this I guess I wanted more, I wanted to see him for sex, I wanted to spend longer with him ect ect, and I think this scared him and he backed off. He officially ended us as a sexual thing, telling me can’t have sex with me again, that it’s wrong, I am not his gf & he can’t risk his family. I then blurted out that I loved him, and he said he didn’t feel the same. He said he has feelings, and will always care for me, that I will always be his friend, but he loves him family. He said he enjoyed what we had but it was to be over now. 
 

I have never felt heart break like it, it hurt to the core and I would see for the first time why people end life when going through breakups. I cried everyday for 3 months, I lost a stone in weight from a lack of appetite and I believe I plummeted into depression. Following this conversation I respected his decision and left him alone. We didn’t speak barely for the first 6 months, although he would message on occasions such as my birthday ect. Then as 6 months passed and I started feeling better he returned, saying he did love me, and misses me, that I can’t be replaced, but there is people stopping us from doing what we want to do, and so if friends is all we can be he’ll take it. I still was upset and hurting and declined many invitations to meet up with mutual friends, and if he did message I was brief but civil. Valentine’s Day was a year to the day we last had sex, and although I’ve felt good lately vday was hard. I missed him deeply and wondered if he would reach out (we still wasn’t on good terms). Anyway he did, and a week later we were back to being close friends and met up for a drink. Then the following week he asked to take me out, (we have never done anything like this before so it was special) he booked a theatre and we had an exspensive meal afterwards, he bought me a very costly painting upon leaving, and it was nice to finally catch up. Upon leaving I asked if we could go for a drive, something we would usually do and end up having sex. To which he replied he didn’t think it was a good idea, and it’s better we wake up feeling no regrets. The regret hurt a little but I understood and went home, when I got home he texted me that he enjoyed the evening and sent lots of kisses and heart emoji’s, and asked if we wanted to do the same next week. 
 

im just so confused, what are we? He said didn’t love me but then doesn’t let me go, I’m not sure whether to be appreciative that he likes to spend time with me with 0 sex or upset he doesn’t like me in that way. He also posts me on his social media every chance we are together, and there has been rumours in our town for years of us having an affair. Our spouses aren’t local and his wife doesn’t have social media so he has no fear of posting me. I just feel like does he bring me along as an ego thing? I’m not the best in the world but I would say I’m well kept and attractive and a lot of his friends have tried with me over the years. 
 

what are peoples honest thoughts? What am I to him, and what is he to me? 

[NuevoYorko]

You're having an affair, I'm not sure why that's a mystery to you.

What did your husband think about you crying every day for 3 months, losing all that weight, coming home one day with an expensive painting?   You wrote that your spouses "aren't local."  What does that mean?  Both of you live remotely from your spouse?

Anyway, I guess you're doing what you want to and don't have any further questions besides "what are we" and I think that's completely clear. 

[Sunflowerssf]

13 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You're having an affair, I'm not sure why that's a mystery to you.

What did your husband think about you crying every day for 3 months, losing all that weight, coming home one day with an expensive painting?   You wrote that your spouses "aren't local."  What does that mean?  Both of you live remotely from your spouse?

Anyway, I guess you're doing what you want to and don't have any further questions besides "what are we" and I think that's completely clear. 

Really, an affair where we have never planned the few times we have had sex, and he no longer lets it happen. My husband was unaware I cried daily, I just let it all out during the shower or walking the dog, or anytime I was alone. Between that I’d feel like I was holding it in all day. The painting I just said I bought. 
 
and I mean that our spouses are both from up the country, so they aren’t local to our town. Therefore when he posts us together on social media and rumours spread among people that we are having an affair, nothing gets reported back to our other halves. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Sunflowerssf said:

What am I to him, and what is he to me? 

You are his affair partner, and you have been for years. 

The fact that you don’t seem to understand or can’t acknowledge that kind of astounds me. 

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, Sunflowerssf said:

Really, an affair where we have never planned the few times we have had sex, and he no longer lets it happen.

Even if it’s not planned, the fact that you have had sex with the man makes this a physical affair. Whether you have a date planned to have sex again in the future or not, you have been engaged in a physical affair with this man. 

The fact that you have secret communications with the man (secret from your spouse), makes this an emotional affair. 

The fact that you are posting about each other on social media, I’m sorry to say, makes you either very naive or just plain stupid. The internet is not limited by geographic location. 

You seem pretty intent on minimizing this - we are old friends, the sex was unplanned, my spouse lives in another country so the rumours will never get back to him… he will never know.

Let’s be clear - you have been involved in a very inappropriate relationship with another man for years and it is negatively affecting your mental health and your marriage - whether you are ready to fully admit that to yourself yet or not.
 

Edited Saturday at 11:25 PM by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

What do you mean by asking what the two of you are? The answer is obvious to anyone. You are lovers, affair partners, cheating on your respective spouses, leading a double life, lying, hiding, betraying, and so on, and so forth.

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

What do you mean by asking what the two of you are? The answer is obvious to anyone. You are lovers, affair partners, cheating on your respective spouses, leading a double life, lying, hiding, betraying, and so on, and so forth.

Yep, they pretty much tick all the "affair" boxes.  

OP, are you troubled by this relationship or are you comfortable carrying it on?

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Sunflowerssf said:

What am I to him, and what is he to me? 

You are affair partners. What is it you're really asking? 

8 hours ago, Sunflowerssf said:

Therefore when he posts us together on social media and rumours spread among people that we are having an affair, nothing gets reported back to our other halves.

I still don't understand this. Why would your spouses not being from this town mean they won't eventually hear about your affair? It would be naive to assume neither of them will ever figure it out, if rumours have been swirling around town for a while. You two are playing with fire what with these date nights and gifts, too. This is very risky. Unless your husband is completely stupid,, he is going to start finding your behaviour odd. He wouldn't even need to be tipped off by anyone else to start doing a bit of digging on his own. For all you know, he's already secretly wondering about you. The same goes for your AP's wife. Please be prepared for the very real possibility that this will one day be exposed. 

What are you going to do then? 

[Sunflowerssf]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Yep, they pretty much tick all the "affair" boxes.  

OP, are you troubled by this relationship or are you comfortable carrying it on?

No I am troubled by it: I can’t seem to be without him, I know I can’t have him. To me this doesn’t fit an affair narrative, to be affairs are where you sit and talk of running off into the sunset together; where you wear sexy lingerie and meet at hotels. He genuinely just feels like my best friend, but I also have romantic feelings which get in the way of the friendship and I don’t feel fully satisfied with being “just friends” the way he is. So I get angry and annoyed that he doesn’t want what I would call an affair, bcus I’ll hold my hands up and say I am willing to have a full blown affair, it’s him who is stopping us. 

[Sunflowerssf]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are affair partners. What is it you're really asking? 

I still don't understand this. Why would your spouses not being from this town mean they won't eventually hear about your affair? It would be naive to assume neither of them will ever figure it out, if rumours have been swirling around town for a while. You two are playing with fire what with these date nights and gifts, too. This is very risky. Unless your husband is completely stupid,, he is going to start finding your behaviour odd. He wouldn't even need to be tipped off by anyone else to start doing a bit of digging on his own. For all you know, he's already secretly wondering about you. The same goes for your AP's wife. Please be prepared for the very real possibility that this will one day be exposed. 

What are you going to do then? 

Yes of course we are aware there is some risk with everyone having some speculation, but it’s just that, without evidence. And seen as we haven’t had sex for over a year we feel as though we aren’t really doing any wrong, we were friends before we even met our respective others, so it isn’t a new found friendship which makes us feel less guilty. I guess if it got back to my other half I would confess we are friends, and what’s wrong be being friends with the opposite sex??? Of course I know you say this is a cop out. 
 

But the point of my post is, if he felt how I felt he would want sex with me and he would risk everything to have affair, so I’m unhappy he won’t allow us to have. I walked away and left him, we went nearly 0 contact for a year and never would have tried to rekindle but he’s chased me, I’m just so confused with how he really feels. 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Sunflowerssf said:

I get angry and annoyed that he doesn’t want what I would call an affair, bcus I’ll hold my hands up and say I am willing to have a full blown affair, it’s him who is stopping us. 

You are in an affair with the man, the problem for you is that it is not a satisfying affair - he is not giving you what you want. A secret relationship that is outside your marriage = affair.  

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, Sunflowerssf said:

Yes of course we are aware there is some risk with everyone having some speculation, but it’s just that, without evidence.

You posting the evidence online for all to see. What are you talking about? 
 

11 minutes ago, Sunflowerssf said:

I guess if it got back to my other half I would confess we are friends, and what’s wrong be being friends with the opposite sex???

Friends don’t have sex. You have had sex with the man and built a relationship that is separate and secret from your spouse - that’s going to be a problem for almost any partner. But, if your plan is to lie to him and gaslight your spouse into believing that the problem is him - he should have no problem trusting you to be friends with another man because opposite sex friends are ok - that’s would be in character. Continue on.

Edited Sunday at 01:55 PM by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Sunflowerssf said:

To me this doesn’t fit an affair narrative, to be affairs are where you sit and talk of running off into the sunset together; where you wear sexy lingerie and meet at hotels. 

Oh, come on. Choosing your own unique definition doesn't hold water.

 I believe you are an adult person.  There are affairs of all kinds and I bet that most of them don't even have the "romance novel" vibe that you describe above.  Often it's just banging in the office supply cupboard or the back seat of a car when the people involved feel horny for each other.

Also, often, it's what people INCLUDING YOU understand as an "emotional affair," where no physical contact even happens at all.

Like I said you and this guy tick all the boxes.   You had sex, you're dating, you feel like you're in love (I guess - you "can't be without him.")  

I think you'd probably benefit from some counseling so you can figure out how to move forward.  

Since your husband and his wife both life "up country" and don't even know the same people you both do, I don't see why you don't just divorce them and be together.    What's the point of being married in this situation?

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Sunflowerssf said:

To me this doesn’t fit an affair narrative, to be affairs are where you sit and talk of running off into the sunset together; where you wear sexy lingerie and meet at hotels

That's pretty convenient. You can delude yourself all you want into thinking this isn't an affair,, but whatever you want to call it, it's highly inappropriate and you both need stop. 

5 hours ago, Sunflowerssf said:

if he felt how I felt he would want sex with me and he would risk everything to have affair, so I’m unhappy he won’t allow us to have.

He won't "allow" it because he doesn't have those feelings for you and doesn't to risk his marriage for you. You can't make someone want to be with you. 

So now that you know he isn't going to have an affair with you or leave his wife for you - what are you going to do? Why are you still married if you're so miserable? 

[Sunflowerssf]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's pretty convenient. You can delude yourself all you want into thinking this isn't an affair,, but whatever you want to call it, it's highly inappropriate and you both need stop. 

He won't "allow" it because he doesn't have those feelings for you and doesn't to risk his marriage for you. You can't make someone want to be with you. 

So now that you know he isn't going to have an affair with you or leave his wife for you - what are you going to do? Why are you still married if you're so miserable? 

Exactly, which brings me to my point of after a whole year of 0 contact why return and tell me he loves me; take me out and spend a fortune, and not even get sex at the end of it. I’m just struggling to work it out. During the year we was having sex, it was just that, meet and sex would happen, we never done the nice romantic evenings out. Now he’s returning he’s providing all these date nights but not allow any physical activities. I’m confused whether it’s because I accused him of using me when we had a argument during the year of minimal contact and now he’s trying to show he doesn’t just want me for sex, or whether he really doesn’t want to risk his marriage and chooses it to be a platonic friendship instead, but then the type of dates and gifts he provides speak romance (he bought me flowers, we held hands through out the eveing) I’m just struggling with what I am, and what he feels. I know the answers for myself but his are never clear. 
 

if he doesn’t feel how I do then why even return after we established we was on different pages a year ago? Why up the game and take me in romantic dates but then avoid being alone with me? As you  can tell, it’s just not pricing together myside. I appreciate others view this as an affair, and I’ll acknowledge that I can see how it all looks, but it really doesn’t feel like an affair, I don’t feel love or wanted by him in the way that I want, I feel that I’m his friend, and although he calls me sexy ect without the physical I don’t even feel he’s attracted to me, and I know I have no rights to moan he doesn’t make me feel a certain way, as I am not his wife, but I made it clear a year ago how I felt and what I wanted; we parted and I NEVER contacted him, he is the one who has returned I’m just at a loss to why. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Sunflowerssf said:

after a whole year of 0 contact why return and tell me he loves me; take me out and spend a fortune, and not even get sex at the end of it. I’m just struggling to work it out.

Thee are different kinds of currency in relationships than sex. Maybe he’s just lonely and looking for companionship considering that his wife lives in another country. Whatever his motivation, it’s clear that he has no intention of pursuing a physical affair, much less a legitimate relationship, with you.  
 

1 hour ago, Sunflowerssf said:

I’m confused whether it’s because I accused him of using me when we had a argument during the year of minimal contact and now he’s trying to show he doesn’t just want me for sex

I think this is wishful thinking… He doesn’t need to do that to get you into bed or to have a relationship with you. It seems to me that this is you projecting your desire to me “more” to him than you really are… 
 

1 hour ago, Sunflowerssf said:

if he doesn’t feel how I do then why even return after we established we was on different pages a year ago?

Because he is bored? Lonely? Looking for companionship? Validation? To see if he has still got it? Because it’s easier to text you than to go find another woman who’s interested in going on romantic dates with a married man? To keep you on the backburner in case he ever changes his mind? To mess with you - because it’s fun? There are a multitude of reasons…
 

1 hour ago, Sunflowerssf said:

It really doesn’t feel like an affair

Does your husband know that you are going on dates with another man? 

By literally any definition (except yours), it is an affair. If you are unsure, maybe you should ask your husband and get his opinion - as his is the only opinion that truly matters… If you are unwilling to do so - that’s how you know that it is an inappropriate extramarital relationship. Also called, an affair.

Edited Sunday at 08:41 PM by BaileyB

[Sunflowerssf]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I think this is wishful thinking… He doesn’t need to do that to get you into bed or to have a relationship with you. It seems to me that this is you projecting your desire to me “more” to him than you really are…

I think it’s wishful thinking too 😅 I’m guessing if a man wants sex and the opportunity is there they would take it, k asked him and he said it thought it was a better idea for us just to go home… kinda felt like a kick in the teeth, like I had been turned down but I KNOW if I ask him why he refused he would say it’s bcus he doesn’t just want me for sex, when the reality is he doesn’t want to lose his home life over sex with me. Maybe now we have done it a few times he feels like he’s accomplished it so there’s no need to redo anything .. I don’t know I’m just guessing. 
 

the funny thing is, throughout the whole thing he’s always said that emotional affair is far worse than a physical, and his wife would view it that way too. So if he doesn’t want sex because he doesn’t want to risk his marriage, but then continues to take me out and buy me gifts, how does that line up with any previous statements. 
 

im just well and truly confused but i guess we are now just friends, and if i think I can’t control how i feel and respect his boundaries then i will have to cut him off again. 
 

our partners aren’t living in different countries, I mean they are both not local to the area we live in. So although there is rumours speculating about us, it very likely won’t get back to them as they don’t know anyone. But of course, there is always a chance, so i guess I was worth the risk of friendship 🫣

 

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, Sunflowerssf said:

the funny thing is, throughout the whole thing he’s always said that emotional affair is far worse than a physical, and his wife would view it that way too. So if he doesn’t want sex because he doesn’t want to risk his marriage, but then continues to take me out and buy me gifts, how does that line up with any previous statements. 

Maybe he is using the same definition of affair that you are…

30 minutes ago, Sunflowerssf said:

but i guess we are now just friends

Would you call your husband’s relationship with a woman with whom he had previously had sex - a woman who holds his hand and brings him flowers when they meet for dinner - friends? 

I mean, are you really serious about this? 
 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Sunflowerssf said:

 

our partners aren’t living in different countries, I mean they are both not local to the area we live in. So although there is rumours speculating about us, it very likely won’t get back to them as they don’t know anyone. But of course, there is always a chance, so i guess I was worth the risk of friendship 🫣

 

That's completely ridiculous.  Some of the details of your story here just don't make sense.   

You have both been married to your respective spouses for SIXTEEN YEARS.  And you each live with your own spouse.  Yet, NEITHER of these poor souls know anyone locally yet?  Your husband doesn't know any of your friends?  After 16 years?  Come on, you can do better than this.  

Edited Sunday at 11:57 PM by NuevoYorko

[S2B]

On 3/1/2025 at 3:15 PM, BaileyB said:

You are his affair partner, and you have been for years. 

The fact that you don’t seem to understand or can’t acknowledge that kind of astounds me. 

Not only that - but he really really wants you to expect NOTHING from him!

as soon as you expected something he cut you off… reducing your expectations.

you told him you love him and he let you know he’s not leaving his wife!

stop expecting him to be a decent man - he’s not!

and let your husband know - he also deserves to know who he’s married to and that your alliance isn’t within your marriage.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Sunflowerssf said:

partners aren’t living in different countries, I mean they are both not local to the area we live in. So although there is rumours speculating about us, it very likely won’t get back to them as they don’t know anyone.

I missed this - you think the news won’t get back to your spouse because they didn’t grow up in the community where you live??

This is nuts!

Edited yesterday at 12:30 AM by BaileyB

[S2B]

Just because the sex wasn’t “planned out” doesn’t make it more intentional. You’ve had a full blown affair.

and why do you think your spouse deserves you treating them that way?

[ExpatInItaly]

The better "why" to be asking is why you treat your husband this way. 

You obviously don't love him and don't have any respect for him. Let him go. Then you will be free to find a man who can offer what you are looking for.