My Wife Just Admitted She Made up All Her Past Sexual Experiences, and I Don't Know How to Feel

[GussyMcfussy]

I (34M) have always had a thing for hearing about my wife’s (32F) past experiences. It’s just a deep-seated fantasy of mine, something that really turns me on. Early in our relationship, I asked her about her past, and she shared stories of her previous lovers, the things she had done, the wild experiences she had before we met. I loved hearing about it, and I’d bring it up often throughout our marriage—sometimes just to reminisce, other times in the bedroom.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, after nearly two years of marriage, she finally admitted to me that none of it was real. She was actually a virgin when we met. Every single story she told me was made up—things she got from movies, Reddit posts, or just pure imagination. When I asked her why, she said she felt pressured by me. She knew I wanted to hear those kinds of stories, and she didn’t want to disappoint me, so she made them up to keep me happy.

I was completely floored. I feel... betrayed? Manipulated? Lied to? I don’t even know how to describe it. On one hand, I get that she just wanted to make me happy. But on the other hand, this means that the foundation of something I really valued in our relationship was built on a lie. All those times I thought I was connecting with her over something I loved, it was just her telling me what she thought I wanted to hear.

Now I don’t know what to do. I still love her, but I feel like I don’t even know who she really is. Was I wrong to ever ask her about this in the first place? Can I move past this, or will I always feel like our relationship was built on deception?

[Alpacalia]

She fabricated stories to satisfy your desires, perhaps fearing that the truth would make you lose interest or feel disappointed. I get why you felt deceived but while dishonest, stemmed from a place of wanting to please you and avoid disappointing you.

That aside, you repeatedly brought up her past, which might have made her feel that her actual inexperience was inadequate. 

What is it about hearing about her past that excites or fulfills you? 

 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

She fabricated stories to satisfy your desires, perhaps fearing that the truth would make you lose interest or feel disappointed.

And apparently, she was right. That’s exactly what’s happened. 
 

7 hours ago, GussyMcfussy said:

Was I wrong to ever ask her about this in the first place?

No, it’s clearly a fantasy of yours and she understands and accepts that - so much so that she made up stories to please you.

Now, you need to understand and accept her. It must have been awkward for her to feel the pressure of sharing previous experiences with you knowing that she had none - if you love the woman, let it go. Don’t make this out to be more than it is with the whole - “I feel like I don’t even know her anymore” talk…

Have a conversation with her about the fact that honesty and trust are important to you in a relationship and tell her that she can feel comfortable telling you anything. And then, go forward. If she has been a good partner to you, be a good partner to her now. 

 

Edited Sunday at 02:47 PM by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

No, it’s clearly a fantasy of yours and she understands and accepts that - so much so that she made up stories to please you.

OP it's a pretty common "fantasy" thing that people do;  tell sexy fantasies to each other as if they really happened, or maybe as if they would like them to happen in the future when that is not the case.

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Now, you need to understand and accept her. It must have been awkward for her to feel the pressure of sharing previous experiences with you knowing that she had none - if you love the woman, let it go. Don’t make this out to be more than it is with the whole - “I feel like I don’t even know her anymore” talk…

Have a conversation with her about the fact that honesty and trust are important to you in a relationship and tell her that she can feel comfortable telling you anything. And then, go forward. If she has been a good partner to you, be a good partner to her now. 

 

I agree with this.  You do hold a lot of responsibility for this,  for having focussed on her past so much.  That's not going to turn out well in many cases - generally the other way around - when one spouse wanted to know the spicy things and then ended up feeling jealous, inadequate, etc. once they knew the stories.  

She sure shouldn't be held accountable for her past, and I hope you can be understanding about why she made up sexy tales to excite you.   It was generous of her.

[Gebidozo]

Wow, it’s the first time I hear about such a “reversed” case. Usually women downplay their sexual past to please their insecure, controlling partners, who discover years later that their wives had had much richer pasts than they thought.

I’m going to go against the majority opinion in the responses this time. I, too, am turned on by women’s past sexual experiences. I’m a big believer in complete transparency and honesty concerning my and my partner’s past. Therefore, I can’t even imagine being together with someone for two years and then discovering that all those exciting stories were a lie. I did have a slightly similar experience many years ago, when a girl I was dating invented some particularly racy details; but those were details, the actual stories were true.

I really don’t know which advice to give you, OP. If this happened to me, I’d also feel manipulated and very hurt by the lies. 

Edited Sunday at 04:10 PM by Gebidozo

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Wow, it’s the first time I hear about such a “reversed” case. Usually women downplay their sexual past to please their insecure, controlling partners, who discover years later that their wives had had much richer pasts than they thought.

I’m going to go against the majority opinion in the responses this time. I, too, am turned on by women’s past sexual experiences. I’m a big believer in complete transparency and honesty concerning my and my partner’s past. Therefore, I can’t even imagine being together with someone for two years and then discovering that all those exciting stories were a lie. I did have a slightly similar experience many years ago, when a girl I was dating invented some particularly racy details; but those were details, the actual stories were true.

I really don’t know which advice to give you, OP. If this happened to me, I’d also feel manipulated and very hurt by the lies. 

This situation also makes me think about how much weight we put on fantasies and past experiences. Fantasies can be powerful and exciting, but they’re not always grounded in reality. When we project them onto our partners, it can create pressure—pressure to be someone they’re not or to live up to an idealized version of themselves. Maybe this is a moment to reflect on whether those expectations are fair or if they’re putting too much strain on the relationship.

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Maybe this is a moment to reflect on whether those expectations are fair or if they’re putting too much strain on the relationship.

Agree.

For me, it would be a darn shame if you ended the relationship with a woman who loves you and has been a good partner to you because she created sexual fantasies in an attempt to please you… Who suffers more from that decision - her, or you? 

I understand why it would shake your trust that she hasn’t been completely honest with you. But, in all seriousness, are people always honest with their partners about their sexual past? Are there not things that are often not discussed because there is concern about how the information would be received? As was said above, usually people provide partial truths because they fear judgment and jealousy. She feared your judgment - she just went the other way… because that’s what she needed to do given her insecurity related ti her lack of experience and her desire to please you.

It must have taken a lot of courage and trust for her to open up and share the truth after all this time. She could have just let things stand but she didn’t do that. She chose to be vulnerable and be honest with you. There is no reason why you can’t use this experience to negotiate the terms of the relationship going forward… if you so choose. Your relationship will either grow from this discussion, or it will not. It’s your decision. 

And if not, think of it this way… she will have real life experience to share with the next guy she dates if you decide to end the relationship… 

Edited Sunday at 05:55 PM by BaileyB

[Els]

Well, that's a bit of a twist on the old "my partner lied about their past sex life" posts, I'll give you that.

If this is real, then I'll say that it's understandable to be upset about the lack of truth. But on the other hand, if your partner's steamy stories about their sexual past is literally the "foundation of something I really valued in our relationship", it doesn't sound like your marriage has much of a foundation to begin with.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

This situation also makes me think about how much weight we put on fantasies and past experiences. Fantasies can be powerful and exciting, but they’re not always grounded in reality. When we project them onto our partners, it can create pressure—pressure to be someone they’re not or to live up to an idealized version of themselves. Maybe this is a moment to reflect on whether those expectations are fair or if they’re putting too much strain on the relationship.

True, but the issue here aren’t the fantasies, it’s the fact that the OP essentially got together with what he thought was one kind of person only to discover two years later that it was a very different kind of person.

The reason I stressed fantasies etc. in my reply is because to some people, their partner’s romantic and sexual past doesn’t matter at all.  I think such people would find it a bit hard to understand why the OP is so upset in the first place. But to some people, the narrative of their partner’s sexual lives is an inseparable part of the sexual connection between them in general. So I can understand how the OP feels that a large part of what he considered to be an intrinsic aspect of his wife’s personality has collapsed and turned out to be a lie.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

But, in all seriousness, are people always honest with their partners about their sexual past? Are there not things that are often not discussed because there is concern about how the information would be received?

This depends on the partners themselves and what kind of agreement they have about these issues.

For example, for me revealing my past fully and knowing about my partner’s past is an essential condition. I can’t even imagine being with a person who doesn’t know about my past and whose past is a mystery to me.

The OP’s case isn’t even a matter of some omitted details. It’s just a false narrative throughout. A 180 degrees upset of the truth. I understand that not every detail must be shared, but this is a whole aspect of personality represented not just in a blurry or distorted, but totally opposite way. A virgin pretending to be an experienced,  sexually highly active, promiscuous person is more than a few small lies and secrets here and there, it’s a stark misrepresentation of oneself. 

[Alvi]

How about you go and created some real-life experiences with your wife together, for real. Maybe explore few things or kinks together.

[NuevoYorko]

On 3/2/2025 at 4:42 PM, Gebidozo said:

True, but the issue here aren’t the fantasies, it’s the fact that the OP essentially got together with what he thought was one kind of person only to discover two years later that it was a very different kind of person.

Doesn't their experiences as a couple over the past two years hold any weight at all when up against the sexcapades she made up and told him?  I would imagine he KNOWS her in many ways, including sexually by now, and that would supersede what she had told him about her past.    It would be a pretty poor and shallow marriage, in my opinion, if it's all to be trashed by his wife treating sexual fantasies as if they were reality when they were dating.

 

[Gebidozo]

26 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Doesn't their experiences as a couple over the past two years hold any weight at all when up against the sexcapades she made up and told him?  I would imagine he KNOWS her in many ways, including sexually by now, and that would supersede what she had told him about her past.    It would be a pretty poor and shallow marriage, in my opinion, if it's all to be trashed by his wife treating sexual fantasies as if they were reality when they were dating.

 

But that’s precisely the problem, he doesn’t really know her in a sexual way. Their sexual relationship was based on a radical misrepresentation of her sexuality. She pretended to have a certain kind of a sexual persona,  which in reality was drastically different.

Again, I totally understand that it wouldn’t matter to many people or even most people. But as someone to whom it would matter, I sympathize with the OP’s reaction.

As for the marriage being trashed, I’m not sure whether the OP will really take it that far, but I do understand how such misrepresentation could be a big deal. We all have certain relationship requirements. If one of the OP’s requirements for a partner was her having a rich sexual past and he communicated that clearly to his wife prior to the marriage, then she should have told him the truth right away.

Of course, some people would say that the nature of this requirement, in itself, testifies to the OP’s shallow views of marriage. Yet people have requirements that are, in my opinion, much more shallow, such as body weight or wealth or some such. Would we blame a person for being disappointed, for example, when they marry someone for their money, only to discover two years later that their partner’s alleged wealth was a lie and they are actually dirt poor? I wouldn’t, even though I do find the requirement itself shallow and wouldn’t think much of a marriage based on it. It’s the breach of trust that matters here, not the requirement itself.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

On 3/2/2025 at 2:22 AM, GussyMcfussy said:

When I asked her why, she said she felt pressured by me.

I'm really curious about something.... how did you initially ask her to tell you these stories?  When you first asked her about her sexual past, was she reluctant to tell you, or did she act shy about it, or did she say she didn't have any good stories?  And if so, then did you keep asking and asking, and putting pressure on her to tell you?

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

But that’s precisely the problem, he doesn’t really know her in a sexual way. Their sexual relationship was based on a radical misrepresentation of her sexuality. She pretended to have a certain kind of a sexual persona,  which in reality was drastically different.

I don't agree with this.  He actually HAS sex with her.  The experiences they've had over 2 years of a sexual relationship are what would be most meaningful by this stage.   At least, if the marriage has any legs at all. 

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Again, I totally understand that it wouldn’t matter to many people or even most people. But as someone to whom it would matter, I sympathize with the OP’s reaction.

As for the marriage being trashed, I’m not sure whether the OP will really take it that far, but I do understand how such misrepresentation could be a big deal. We all have certain relationship requirements. If one of the OP’s requirements for a partner was her having a rich sexual past and he communicated that clearly to his wife prior to the marriage, then she should have told him the truth right away.

I don't think he communicated it as a relationship requirement.  I think, from the way he describes things, it was during sexy time and it's understandable that she could see it as fantasy talk, like lots of people like to engage in together.

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course, some people would say that the nature of this requirement, in itself, testifies to the OP’s shallow views of marriage. Yet people have requirements that are, in my opinion, much more shallow, such as body weight or wealth or some such. 

Ok, that's a good point.  Say that the guy only likes skinny women.  He meets a woman online who "fatfishes" him.  When they meet of course he sees that she is not skinny but they spend time together and he grows to care about her.  Would it make sense for him to go along with that for 2 years and then get outraged about being fatfished back at the beginning?  

Seriously, the fact that they've been through 2 years of life together should have built something.

I don't understand "requirements" about a new partner divulging all the details of prior sexual activities.   I am sure this backfires ALL THE TIME.  I would feel very cornered if someone required that of me.  As far as I'm concerned, the important thing about sex to share with someone with whom you're getting serious is whether the two of you have similar values around it.  If somebody values chastity before marriage I hope they partner up with another person who does, and if someone wants to do a lot of kinky exploring, I hope they too find a person who matches that. 

[Pete55]

You seemed to have a but of a fantasy/fetish about these things and she sounds like she was trying to please you. A fantasy/fetish is often so fascinating because it's either out of reach or not real and for me that's all she's done - catered to what she though you wanted. I don't think either of you have necessarily done anything wrong, but my opinion is that you're perhaps being a little unfair on her.

[GussyMcfussy]

Thank you for all the replies. They have given me some perspective.