I Thought This Door Was Shut—Turns Out, it Wasn't

[lilmeow]

This is my second post, my first was in November when this conversation was first brought up. But some things have changed since then. I've been with my boyfriend for five years, and we recently took a big step in December by moving in together. I love him deeply, and I thought we were on the same page about what we wanted; until his friends had introduced a different perspective in November.  Unfortunately his friends brought this idea up *again* just the other day. Which has rattled me again.

 

A few months ago, shortly after I met his best friends, they brought up the idea of non-monogamy. I made it clear that it wasn’t something I wanted, and my boyfriend reassured me that he wasn’t going to pursue it. I thought that was the end of it. But recently, I found out that back in November, he told them that he *was* interested. I knew he was curious, but I had *no idea* he had actually *said that to them*. That completely changes things.  

 

To me, that conversation kept the door open. It told them that this was still on the table when I truly believed we had shut it down. And now, even after everything we’ve talked about, he says that *I’ve* made my decision—but *he* hasn’t made his. That part hurts the most.  

 

He says he wouldn’t cheat on me and that he isn’t actively looking for something with someone else, but he’s happy that his friends *opened him up* to the idea. And that just makes me feel sick. We’ve been working on our intimacy, and it's been really great. I thought we were in such a good place—so why is *this* still in his mind? Why is he *excited* that the option even exists?  

 

I don’t want to be in limbo. I don’t want to feel like I have to prove that I’m enough forever. I want to be chosen. I want to be *his person*, not just one option in a life of experiences. He says choosing to move in with me is proof of his commitment, but if exclusivity doesn’t matter to him the way it does to me, then what does that mean for us long-term?  

 

I had a full-on breakdown when I realized what was said. It’s one thing to have thoughts about curiosity and tell me about it, but telling *them* he's interested and open to it. That felt like a slap in the face. He knows his communication with me about all of this has been bad. I just don’t know how to handle this.

I know people might just say “leave,” or that we are "fundamentally incompatible" I get it. But, we’ve built *so much* together, and I really thought we could work through this. I don’t know how to go about this and it's really hard for me to think about this whole thing on my own. I need outside input because I have no one to talk about it with. My love for him is so strong and this whole thing just deeply hurts me. I know I deserve better. Has anyone been through something similar? How do you even navigate this kind of situation? 

Edited March 3 by lilmeow

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, lilmeow said:

But, we’ve built *so much* together, and I really thought we could work through this.

That may be, but it doesn't mean you are right for each other. You can't "work through" something like this when you want two completely different kinds of relationships. 

3 hours ago, lilmeow said:

know people might just say “leave,” or that we are "fundamentally incompatible"

That's because it's true. Your desries and needs are diamterically opposed. You seem to be thinking that this will go away. As you are seeing, it won't. 

3 hours ago, lilmeow said:

we recently took a big step in December by moving in together.

Unfortnately, I think this was a mistake in light of how recent this other issue surfaced. It was not the right time to make that step when you two were at fundamental odds over the very essence of your relationship. 

3 hours ago, lilmeow said:

I thought we were in such a good place—so why is *this* still in his mind? Why is he *excited* that the option even exists?  

Because it's what he really wants. Try as you might to twist yourself into making this work and hoping he will drop the idea, his deeper desire is to be free to explore other people. I get why that hurts, but at some point, you are going to have to face the truth: this relationship isn't going to work. Not without you getting very, very hurt in the process and compromising what you want just to keep him around. 

You seem to be in some denial, and I get it. It's hard to realize your partner doesn't want the same things you do. But girl, you can't go on like this.  Neither of you is wrong in what you want, per se. You just aren't going to get it from each other. I wouldn't keep prolonging the inevitable here. 

Edited March 3 by ExpatInItaly

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, lilmeow said:

This is my second post, my first was in November when this conversation was first brought up. But some things have changed since then. I've been with my boyfriend for five years, and we recently took a big step in December by moving in together. I love him deeply, and I thought we were on the same page about what we wanted; until his friends had introduced a different perspective in November.  Unfortunately his friends brought this idea up *again* just the other day. Which has rattled me again.

 

A few months ago, shortly after I met his best friends, they brought up the idea of non-monogamy. I made it clear that it wasn’t something I wanted, and my boyfriend reassured me that he wasn’t going to pursue it. I thought that was the end of it. But recently, I found out that back in November, he told them that he *was* interested. I knew he was curious, but I had *no idea* he had actually *said that to them*. That completely changes things.  

 

To me, that conversation kept the door open. It told them that this was still on the table when I truly believed we had shut it down. And now, even after everything we’ve talked about, he says that *I’ve* made my decision—but *he* hasn’t made his. That part hurts the most.  

 

He says he wouldn’t cheat on me and that he isn’t actively looking for something with someone else, but he’s happy that his friends *opened him up* to the idea. And that just makes me feel sick. We’ve been working on our intimacy, and it's been really great. I thought we were in such a good place—so why is *this* still in his mind? Why is he *excited* that the option even exists?  

 

I don’t want to be in limbo. I don’t want to feel like I have to prove that I’m enough forever. I want to be chosen. I want to be *his person*, not just one option in a life of experiences. He says choosing to move in with me is proof of his commitment, but if exclusivity doesn’t matter to him the way it does to me, then what does that mean for us long-term?  

 

I had a full-on breakdown when I realized what was said. It’s one thing to have thoughts about curiosity and tell me about it, but telling *them* he's interested and open to it. That felt like a slap in the face. He knows his communication with me about all of this has been bad. I just don’t know how to handle this.

I know people might just say “leave,” or that we are "fundamentally incompatible" I get it. But, we’ve built *so much* together, and I really thought we could work through this. I don’t know how to go about this and it's really hard for me to think about this whole thing on my own. I need outside input because I have no one to talk about it with. My love for him is so strong and this whole thing just deeply hurts me. I know I deserve better. Has anyone been through something similar? How do you even navigate this kind of situation? 

It sounds pretty cut and dry to me, you're not compatible.

You say you've built "so much" together but that's a sunk cost fallacy. It's the biggest reason along with kids people stay in relationships that are no longer working.

It may seem like you're avoiding pain and you can fix it but you're actually causing yourself greater pain down the line by not calling it a day now. It's tough, it's horrible, but breakups always are.

[Mrin]

Ok so I am one of the more libertine posters here so my take will be a little different. IMHO there are two issues here:

1) Dishonesty: to me this is the big one. You had discussed it, you vetoed it, he assented to your veto and said he wouldn't pursue it. To now find out that he said he was interested smacks of dishonesty to me. It doesn't matter how he parsed the words, he left the door open which is expressly against what you had agreed to together. Honestly, the only thing that could possibly be okay in my mind is something like, "no we aren't interested in this but, from a purely intellectual standpoint, I'm curious to understand how all of this works". That to me isn't leaving a door open. That to me is closing the door but still being interested is the lifestyle. Which would be okay I think. That doesn't sound like that happened here but you tell me. 

2) ENM: just because your BF has an interest in ENM and you don't doesn't mean that you two are incompatible in my opinion. I know that sounds weird but hear me out. No couple will be perfectly aligned in their curiosities. That's just a fact. So if he is curious about the lifestyle, that doesn't mean he's going to be unhappy in a purely monogamous relationship with you. And his curiosity doesn't mean that he doesn't value and respect you. It just means he's curious. You might have a curiosity of being with a woman. Or have a curiosity of being with a different man. That doesn't mean that you don't want him or that you don't value him. Those curiosities are oftentimes just fantasies. We have lots of them. We're human. 

Now, when a curiosity or a fantasy becomes a compulsion - that's where it becomes incompatible. That's when it becomes destructive to the relationship. If he feels like he can't be happy without engaging in ENM or starts to pressure you to try ENM, then that's compulsion. And that's when you need to draw the line. 

It sounds like he's pretty crappy at communication on this topic - or maybe in general. Something to try on would be exploring this topic in a non-emotional manner to see what exactly his interest is in ENM and why - why does he find it interesting. Practice active listening. And he can practice clear communication. At a bare minimum you will get to the heart of the matter. 

[S2B]

He’s wasting your time by not being honest with you.

move out. Start dating men that have a serious goal of one woman.

[introverted1]

From your other thread you mentioned that your bf previously cheated on his partner. You also said:

Quote

I’ve expressed my concerns to my boyfriend, and while he acknowledges them, he’s also mentioned that he has an interest in non-monogamy due to his past experiences. He’s said he wants to explore these feelings now rather than later in life.

You can delay the inevitable if you want, but I think your bf has been quite clear --both last November and now -- that he wants to not only keep this door open but walk through it. 

If you are not interested in an ENM relationship, a breakup is the only answer.  Pinning him down will just lead to more cheating. 

[ShyViolet]

I'm going to tell you what you don't want to hear, but you and him are fundamentally incompatible, and this relationship is going to blow up sooner or later.  You can either stay in denial about that and try to make this relationship work, or you can cut your losses and end this relationship.  His desire to experience being with other people is not going to just magically go away.  If anything it will get stronger.  There is nothing to "navigate" here.  This issue will always be there.

The only possible way that this relationship could work is if YOU would possibly being willing to be open to non-monogamy.  But if you truly don't want that, don't disrespect yourself by settling for the kind of relationship that deep down won't make you happy.

[smackie9]

The problem is you are the only one who considers what you have built over the last 5 years....he hasn't. This is the furthest from his mind if he is so open to the opportunity maybe try an open relationship. Sorry but he already has one foot out the door at this point. You Holding onto the other isn't going to stop him.