Conundrum, of sorts.

[CaliGuy]

If you know my story you know that I booted the ex from the house a month ago. I haven't made any attempt to call her and only by accident, because she works for a client of mine, did she receive a bulk email that we sent saying "Happy Holidays."

 

She last wrote me two weeks ago asking about a bill that might have been sent to my house. I never responded nor do I have any intentions of contacting her.

 

That said, she does work for a client of mine (I got her the job she has now, which she loves) and the client has been pestering me to go to lunch. So we have a lunch setup next week and I sort of hinted that I could meet her for lunch instead of taking a "tour" of their facility which I know for a fact she'll want to take me over to where the Ex's desk is.

 

I want to avoid this, but I know it's inevitable that I'll see her. I don't think I'll have a problem. I mean, I know I won't want to make any small talk. I think my best bet, when I do see her is just to smile, say hi and keep walking.

 

Any advice on what I should do if she wants to chat at all? She is obviously well aware that I have not repsonded to any of her emails (she sent three) and her family sent me a gift for Christmas which of course I never thanked her for.

 

She wanted this. She wanted to end things and galavant off with another guy so I don't see any point in maintaining contact. She feels the grass is greener on the other side and I'm letting her graze as much as she wants and letting her see what life is like without me.

 

I'm open to some suggestions on how to handle this. I know right now she's probably angry at me because she has to live with her mom since I booted her out and she totally despises it. She wants to be on her own badly but can't quite afford it yet.

 

If it helps, I doubt we'll ever reconcile unless she has a complete change of heart and attitude. I wanted to marry this woman and she treated me like yesterday's laundry. I was far to clingy and soft with her and since the breakup I've accepted it's over and have been moving on with my life. I don't want to give her the slightest inkling that I miss her (yet I know I do) and I believe not contacting her has accomplished that, as well as letting her know I am fine without her in my life (I am).

 

However, there's still a piece of me that wants her back (I wish it wasn't this way) and I certainly don't want to give any impression other than "I'm doing great, don't need you, have a nice life."

 

Thoughts?

[slubberdegullion]

I suppose if she tries to corner you, you can simply say, "Look, this is business. I won't get into anything with you now." And, she'll probably respond, "Oh, so when would you like to talk?"

 

Don't answer, just walk away.

 

And put a worm in her lunchbox.

[CaliGuy]

I suppose if she tries to corner you, you can simply say, "Look, this is business. I won't get into anything with you now." And, she'll probably respond, "Oh, so when would you like to talk?"

 

Don't answer, just walk away.

 

And put a worm in her lunchbox.

 

I forgot to add the caveat that in order to get her the job I never revleaed to the client that we were an item. I certainly don't want to let that cat out of the bag right now either. I mean, I am angry with her but causing her hardship at work would serve no purpose. It would be vindictive and unprofessional on my part.

 

So, I can't really use those words. That said, I doubt she will want to make small talk in front of her boss. I am sure I could say "hope all is going well, blah, blah, blah" and move on. I will NOT say "How are you doing, how's life, etc?" because frankly at this point, I don't care. She's seeing someone else and I don't care to get any details on her life.

[notmakingsense]

I think you've got the right plan.... assume that you will be trapped into some smalltalk, but don't ask anything personal, and dodge around any personal questions that she might ask. But.... for your own sake... be friendly. She won't get many chances to see you, so make sure that her latest impressions are ones of a happy, confident, and successful man.

[crazy lady]

I was in a similar situation. My husband of 10 years decided the grass was greener on the other side. He left me just over 4 months ago. The month after he left, he applied and got a job at the same company I work for!! I don't see him often but it does happen. He asked for this to be over and that is what it is. I pass by with a smile and that is it.

 

I think your not answering her phone calls, emails etc. should tell her what she needs to know, it's over. Business is business. It should be nothing more. I doubt that your client is going to walk away and abandon you at your ex's desk. If your ex tries to talk to you, keep it simple and stick to the business discussion as much as possible. You will look better for it, professionally.

 

As far as getting back with her, all I can say is be careful. My ex left me 5 years ago for the same reason, thought the grass was greener. I did take him back months later. Another 5 years gone by and where is he? He bailed! I can't say it was a waste of time because I got a beautiful baby girl out of it. You have to keep a short leash on the ones who like to stray and what kind of relationship is that anyway??

[In Sync]

Keep it strictly professional. Poker face. Give nothing away. She's looking for a reaction you can be sure. I mean would you really get all personal with anyone when your meeting a client, separate your professional life from the personal....I'm sure the client doesn't want to be in the middle of a soap opera. You needn't be over friendly or cold, just pleasant and reserve. But no exchanging of any personal information whatsoever!

[CaliGuy]

Good advice all. My plan is just smile and keep moving. She's well aware I haven't responded to any of her emails and I doubt she'll want to make small talk. I agree a poker face (with a smile) is the way to go and keep everything strictly professional.

[CaliGuy]

Ok folks, the meeting is set for 11:15 on Tuesday. Since I know I have a hard time taking my own advice (yes, my heart gets in the way too) I am open to any more suggestions.

[In Sync]

Ok folks, the meeting is set for 11:15 on Tuesday. Since I know I have a hard time taking my own advice (yes, my heart gets in the way too) I am open to any more suggestions.

 

Look, keep in mind..the second you get weak at the knees...you've boosted her ego. Period. Why give her the satisfaction of her knowing she's got your heart wrapped around her finger. Doesn't matter if she's got someone she's still got to prove to herself and you...that she can yank your chain. The more

reserve you are the more it will drive her nuts. Her ego won't be settle until she knows she's pushed a button. Now if you want to walk away from that meeting the man of mystery, self assured and empowered with confidence, be professional...IF you start chit-chating you will eventually say something you regret and will replay the entire conversation again and again. Keep yourself together...simple. Don't make this more complicated that was it is.It's your choice how you want to come across...and enough with this fake "being nice or overly friendly" You two are no longer friends this is business.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks In Sync.

 

It's odd, I haven't really missed her since she left until today. I imagine it's the anticipation of seeing her tomorrow. Either way I am not going to let her see me sweat, so to speak. And obviously she knows I haven't replied to any of her emails nor have I attempted to contact her.

 

Seeing her tomorrow is unavoidable, I just hope I can pull this off and come off smelling like a rose and not a pile of dung.

[In Sync]

Just keep this in mind, you come back here with your tail betweenyour legs, I'm sending you a big fat AH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Nah just kidding! You'll be fine. And whatever does happen. We all know you are did your best to remain a gent!

[CaliGuy]

Just keep this in mind, you come back here with your tail betweenyour legs, I'm sending you a big fat AH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Nah just kidding! You'll be fine. And whatever does happen. We all know you are did your best to remain a gent!

 

Thanks. I don't know why but I was just out to lunch and thinking about seeing her tomorrow brought back the butterflies - and the nervousness. Here I am thinking "I can handle this" but part of me misses her a lot and I don't want those rush of feelings coming over me again.

 

I really wish I could cancel this appointment but I can't for business reasons.

[In Sync]

No you don't wish you could cancel this appointment. Were this something in the realm of having to run into her at the gym, yeah I'd agree go to another or try to switch your schedule to avoid unnecessary contact. But dude, this is business. Your career we're assuming. You are not going to let this woman, see you sweat, plus there is another person to think about..your client. If I'm doing business with you the last thing I want to see is someone who lacks confidence and being flustered...why would I trust that. So keep in mind your reps on the line..the "X" is just an obstacle that you need to prove to yourself that you can handle a curve ball! Go ahead slugger!

[CaliGuy]

No you don't wish you could cancel this appointment. Were this something in the realm of having to run into her at the gym, yeah I'd agree go to another or try to switch your schedule to avoid unnecessary contact. But dude, this is business. Your career we're assuming. You are not going to let this woman, see you sweat, plus there is another person to think about..your client. If I'm doing business with you the last thing I want to see is someone who lacks confidence and being flustered...why would I trust that. So keep in mind your reps on the line..the "X" is just an obstacle that you need to prove to yourself that you can handle a curve ball! Go ahead slugger!

 

Thanks. I'm nervous and don't understand why. I haven't seen her since I booted her from the house. She's emailed me three times (None though in the last 2 weeks). I haven't attempted to contact her at all since she left. She wanted to stay friends but I am not settling for that.

 

I do miss her a lot. I hate that my heart gets in the way when it's ME that I am dealing with. Anyone else and I'd say the same things you are saying.

 

Implementing it though is another story. I hate my heart sometimes. Makes terrible decisions!

[riobikini]

RE:

 

CaliGuy: " I do miss her a lot."

 

I read the posts here from guys who have broken up and I wonder if my ex 'someone' misses me....

 

It creates this frustrating, back-and-forth switching between anger and aching.

 

The anger, because I hate feeling this way, and despise letting my emotions get so caught up in something in so little time spent with him....and the ache because I just happen to be human enough to be capable of feeling.

 

I've got to stop all that, somehow.

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

RE:

 

 

 

I read the posts here from guys who have broken up and I wonder if my ex 'someone' misses me....

 

It creates this frustrating, back-and-forth switching between anger and aching.

 

The anger, because I hate feeling this way, and despise letting my emotions get so caught up in something in so little time spent with him....and the ache because I just happen to be human enough to be capable of feeling.

 

I've got to stop all that, somehow.

 

-Rio

 

Well, other than this client meeting I have pretty much kept her out of mind. But the meeting is tomorrow and it's brought back a lot of old feelings (this is why NC is essential to healing - NC in every facet such as not trying to look them up, looking at old photos, reading old emails, keeping them on IM or in your phone book. Any remider of them can bring back old feelings.)

 

Yesterday I did laundry and I don't know what it is I always manage to get one of her hairs in the clothes when I pull them from the dryer. I've cleaned it several times since she left and I still get them.

 

That's another form of breaking NC, haha. I mean seriously, I wish that would stop. It's annoying as hell to be reminded of her when I am trying to forget I ever met her.

[riobikini]

Caliguy,

 

You know what's funny about all this is, they are probably enjoying themselves, right now, and have no idea what hell they've put someone else through.

 

And if they did know, -it'd be quite fun for them.

 

Think?

 

-Rio

[In Sync]

Thanks. I'm nervous and don't understand why. I haven't seen her since I booted her from the house. She's emailed me three times (None though in the last 2 weeks). I haven't attempted to contact her at all since she left. She wanted to stay friends but I am not settling for that.

 

I do miss her a lot. I hate that my heart gets in the way when it's ME that I am dealing with. Anyone else and I'd say the same things you are saying.

 

Implementing it though is another story. I hate my heart sometimes. Makes terrible decisions!

 

 

Well, my thinking is like this...everyone during a crucial moment such as going onstage to give the performance of your life, or an athlete facing judges at the Olymics, or an important business meeting with a client in front of an ex, is going to feel nervous and uneasy...first that's a good sign...WHY? Because it will force you to focus. You are putting too much emphasis on her and not on the positive of tomorrow's encounter. Look at yourself, are you not looking good, are you not a handsome confident man who's got a business client, are you not someone tht client wants to do business with. You are all those things and more. Flood your thoughts with positive images about how you got it going on...dim the colors on her. You are the winner. She's texting you. The less you say the more mysterious you'll appear to her and trust me that will change the tables. I war you...if you get all thrown by her being friendly (which she undoubtedly will do) you'll get self conscious. You'll start buying what's she's selling and wham! she's scored. Unfortunately these silly games are what unconsciously people do to one another..why else was she e-mailing you..to get a feel for how you receptive you are. Come on get a grip...

 

There's nothing wrong with your heart..it feels and you have feelings. But you are in control of your actions. OF COURSE, there's always the point that you do want to get with her. If that is the case, be honets and approach her another way. Not during the meeting. But if you know it's going no where do become this over eager puppy nipping at her ankles for christsake!

[riobikini]

P.S.

 

Sorry, I'm going through one of those really bad female psycho moments...back up, -men get them, too, we don't 'own' them.

 

Time to sign outta here.

 

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

Well, my thinking is like this...everyone during a crucial moment such as going onstage to give the performance of your life, or an athlete facing judges at the Olymics, or an important business meeting with a client in front of an ex, is going to feel nervous and uneasy...first that's a good sign...WHY? Because it will force you to focus. You are putting too much emphasis on her and not on the positive of tomorrow's encounter.

 

Ah, very good analogy, In Sync. Thank you for that.

 

Look at yourself, are you not looking good, are you not a handsome confident man who's got a business client, are you not someone tht client wants to do business with.

 

I hope so. She doesn't get to see me in a business suit very often and I will be looking damn sharp tomorrow if I don't say so myself. I have nice suits, a great haircut and I'm in very, very good shape athletically (I lift weights 3x a week). So in that respect, I look good on the outside.

 

It's the inside that is having a problem. I will be smiling a lot but understand, when I see her, my heart just melts. This is the woman I wanted to marry and she treated me like second rate trash.

 

And yes, it was because I was too soft and clingy. In the past I used to email her a lot and talk about the relationship. It drove her crazy. Even before she left I was doing it. But since she left I have had NC with her and at least to some degree I know she has to be wondering.

 

You are all those things and more. Flood your thoughts with positive images about how you got it going on...dim the colors on her. You are the winner. She's texting you. The less you say the more mysterious you'll appear to her and trust me that will change the tables. I war you...if you get all thrown by her being friendly (which she undoubtedly will do) you'll get self conscious. You'll start buying what's she's selling and wham! she's scored. Unfortunately these silly games are what unconsciously people do to one another..why else was she e-mailing you..to get a feel for how you receptive you are. Come on get a grip...

 

I haven't replied to her emails (she only sent three) and the last one was Dec 27th. I have made no attempt to contact her and since she doesn't have access to a PC at home she really isn't reminded of me too often. It's when she is on MSN that I know she can see if I am online (though I have taken her off my contact list).

 

There's nothing wrong with your heart..it feels and you have feelings. But you are in control of your actions. OF COURSE, there's always the point that you do want to get with her. If that is the case, be honets and approach her another way. Not during the meeting. But if you know it's going no where do become this over eager puppy nipping at her ankles for christsake!

 

I won't be doing that for sure. And I have made a promise to myself that the ONLY words I will respond to her, if she says anything are: "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I love you and want to try again." Otherwise any other words are meaningless.

 

On a side note, she and her mom picked a christmas gift for me, of which yet I have to receive. I feel like an a$$ if I don't say thanks when I finally receive it. In that case, I was thinking of just saying "I received the gift, thanks." and leaving it at that.

 

Here's Mr. NC and I am wondering if I should say anything. Please smack me. I mean HARD.

[In Sync]

Again, are you kidding me about saying anything about a present? LOOK, you are not a monster if you don't mention a Christmas present. ALRIGHT. The world is not going to spin out of control or the seas ill rise and flood towns and villages, if this woman doesn't hear thank you for a Christmas present. (Didn't you say she hooked up with another man...so that cancels thank you's) Get it in your head, being nice is a choice. You are nice to people are nice to you. Being cordial is different than nice. I'm not saying you go to the meeting with a chip on your shoulder, but don't confuse being nice with being cordial and professional. That meeting tomorrow is not personal..you just happen to have to deal with your ex at the meeting. No more no less.

Your heart is going to melt over someone who treated you like trash? I can only say this..That is NOT a resourceful thought for you to harbour in you mind. It will not help you. A poker player does not sit at the table and say I'm going to fold the minute someone calls my bluff or throws down a king of spade...No they think I play till the bitter end, and I actually have a lousy hand but I'm going to win the pot on the table.

So you work out, you look good and you're going to fold because "she melts your heart." Here's what I say to you for that line.

AH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 

As for her bringing up anything personal tomorrow you NIP IT IN THE BUD! A meeting is not the time or place to have that discussion. That is a insult to you, whether you are able to see that or not. Excuse me, no one should be having that conversation during a biz meeting..I'm sorry. You need a smack on your head big time. Now go outthere and win one for the team!

[CaliGuy]

Again, are you kidding me about saying anything about a present? LOOK, you are not a monster if you don't mention a Christmas present. ALRIGHT. The world is not going to spin out of control or the seas ill rise and flood towns and villages, if this woman doesn't hear thank you for a Christmas present. (Didn't you say she hooked up with another man...so that cancels thank you's) Get it in your head, being nice is a choice. You are nice to people are nice to you. Being cordial is different than nice. I'm not saying you go to the meeting with a chip on your shoulder, but don't confuse being nice with being cordial and professional. That meeting tomorrow is not personal..you just happen to have to deal with your ex at the meeting. No more no less.

Your heart is going to melt over someone who treated you like trash? I can only say this..That is NOT a resourceful thought for you to harbour in you mind. It will not help you. A poker player does not sit at the table and say I'm going to fold the minute someone calls my bluff or throws down a king of spade...No they think I play till the bitter end, and I actually have a lousy hand but I'm going to win the pot on the table.

So you work out, you look good and you're going to fold because "she melts your heart." Here's what I say to you for that line.

AH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 

As for her bringing up anything personal tomorrow you NIP IT IN THE BUD! A meeting is not the time or place to have that discussion. That is a insult to you, whether you are able to see that or not. Excuse me, no one should be having that conversation during a biz meeting..I'm sorry. You need a smack on your head big time. Now go outthere and win one for the team!

 

Thanks for the pep talk. The poker analogy is great. I won't let her see me sweat. Like I said, I've not said a word to her since she left. It was her choice to go hook up with someone else. She always thinks there's someone better for her than me so hey, I'm obliging her. She just didn't happen to think that in making that choice she made up my mind for me about NC. I'm not going to be her 'buddy' while she's checking for greener pastures.

 

I really hope that no matter what happens that I walk away looking like a million bucks and she walks away wondering if she made a mistake.

 

Nay, not wondering - KNOWING she did.

 

I guess the poker face analogy is good. I can't win the game if I fold my cards, I have to keep them hidden (like my feelings) and no matter what, smile. Life is good, I know that and believe it, with or without her in it.

[CaliGuy]

Well $h8t!!!!!

 

Client just called me to confirm lunch tomorrow and she said that she told the ex I was coming, she left her a VM. I haven't said a word to the ex about me coming at all, so the fact the client said something could be taken two ways:

 

1. I don't care enough to tell her anymore what's going on in my life or

2. She might think I kept it a secret just so I could see her (this is how she would think because she thinks I idolize her).

 

So, now that she knows I am coming and will be shown around the office, I think the client is going to take me to her area.

 

Well, now is my chance to shine and win the poker game. I will NOT allow her to think I am doing badly without her because I am not. Like I said my life is great with or WITHOUT her in it.

[In Sync]

Well $h8t!!!!!

 

Client just called me to confirm lunch tomorrow and she said that she told the ex I was coming, she left her a VM. I haven't said a word to the ex about me coming at all, so the fact the client said something could be taken two ways:

 

1. I don't care enough to tell her anymore what's going on in my life or

2. She might think I kept it a secret just so I could see her (this is how she would think because she thinks I idolize her).

 

So, now that she knows I am coming and will be shown around the office, I think the client is going to take me to her area.

 

Well, now is my chance to shine and win the poker game. I will NOT allow her to think I am doing badly without her because I am not. Like I said my life is great with or WITHOUT her in it.

 

You are going to lose focus if you continue being preoccupied by what isgoing on in your X's mind. Do not spend your time trying to interpret her mindset. All you need to focus on is the target, sailing through the meeting cool, calm and collected. This is NOT ABOUT HER. This is about you facing a challenge in your life and coming through it confidently. Your main focus the way I see it, should be on your client. Not the X. How you handle yourself professionally under such circumstances won't be lost on her. If you keep wondering what's in her head, you will get distracted. Your life is great...She's not the only woman in the world. But she is one that mistreated you, she is definitely not top priority tomorrow. Get over what she is thinking and focus on how great your life is and how sucessful your meeting will go!

[CaliGuy]

Agreed. Focus on the client and their needs. Be confident, don't worry about her.