cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 i think you'd feel great and look great to both her and the client if you have a light and breezy attitude. If you can look at her and say something a little teasing to her and then act slightly bored with her response, it puts you in control--and throws her off balance a bit. you know stupid things like 'did you even wash your hair?' 'you have makeup on your shirt' etc--say it as a joke then move on--of course there has to be a basis for saying it but you get my drift... just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Well, the meeting went fine. I looked great, smiled, said "Hello, how are you?" and she said "Good to see you." Then her and the HR manager talked a while and I overheard her mentioned she's just moving in to her new place (I presume she wanted to drop that bit of info on me). Later the client mentions where she moved to, which is about 5 miles from where her new boyfriend lives (and I assume they've moved in together) and a long, long drive from her work. That's information I didn't want or need. So now I am a bit depressed but I guess in some ways it gives me some closure. If she had any inkling the new guy wasn't going to work out she wouldn't move that close to him and put up with that drive to work. Here in Southern California that is a very, very long drive due to heavy traffic. I wish I didn't know this information but I am OK. There's nothing I can do about it. I know they're living together already (She's known him for only 2 months). Good for her. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Well Congrats, you got through it with flying colors!!!There was bound to be a bump in the road, but the good news is, you were able to prove to yourself that you could handle confronting an X and still keep your S**T together. And trust me that was not lost on her. Unfortunately you had to hear news you didn't need to know, but the lesson from that is NC. We maintain NC, because the less we know the less hurt we have to out up with. Now get on with your life and no more energy spent on this woman! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Well Congrats, you got through it with flying colors!!!There was bound to be a bump in the road, but the good news is, you were able to prove to yourself that you could handle confronting an X and still keep your S**T together. And trust me that was not lost on her. Unfortunately you had to hear news you didn't need to know, but the lesson from that is NC. We maintain NC, because the less we know the less hurt we have to out up with. Now get on with your life and no more energy spent on this woman! I know and I am working on it. It still doesn't make me feel better. I really don't understand how she can move it with a guy she barely knows while I spent two years with her and the only reason she lived with me was out of convenience. I mean, she's going to hate that drive to work every day. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 I know and I am working on it. It still doesn't make me feel better. I really don't understand how she can move it with a guy she barely knows while I spent two years with her and the only reason she lived with me was out of convenience. I mean, she's going to hate that drive to work every day. it's her own insecurity expressed as a rebound relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 it's her own insecurity expressed as a rebound relationship. I don't get it though. She's done this before as well. When we had a break she moved in with some guy for a month. Now she's moved in with other guy and has to drive so far to work. In all fairness I met the guy and he's not a bad guy. But damn she's moving too fast. I hope it's a rebound but doubt it. She had moved on mentally long before we broke up. So today she gets to see me looking great, smelling good, smiling, etc. I'm not expecting an email from her or anything. But I know I have to be on her mind to some degree. I don't know why this hurts so much. Maybe because they are moving so fast and because I still love her. I had hoped she would move close to her work because that would put a good amount of distance between them. I know, I know. Here's Mr. NC all upset and not sticking to my own guns. But this is what NC is for and why I should have never gotten her a job. Hopefully she'll quit so I don't have to hear her name anymore (She's changed it too, from a shorter version to a longer version, Lord only knows why.) Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 sounds like she's the type of person who can't be alone. that's why i said insecurity...which means...doesn't mean she's in love with the guy at all...she just doesn't want to be alone and needs to be with someone... good for you for being confident etc today/... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 sounds like she's the type of person who can't be alone. that's why i said insecurity... She's definitely insecure. That's why we had a big problem. I would often tell her she was beautiful, she didn't need plastique surgery (She wants fake ones), etc. I wouldn't let her put herself down, but she always did. In fact when I found out about the new guy she said "Oh don't worry I'll probably be single in a few months again anyway." Don't get me wrong, I know darn well where I screwed up with her. She thinks I idolize her, that I am not confident, that I am too clingy and soft. And she was right. I am not nearly as bad as I used to be. She said she didn't like the way I talked to her (read: I would ask her personal questions and she hated that, but how do you get to know someone if you don't ask them??) I guess my only solace is I didn't crack today. I held my ground, smiled warmly, said the standard greetings, stood far enough away that I didn't invade her space and when the HR manager was done, I said "See you later." and went about continuing to meet people. I did not go back to her desk. I have no plans to email her (other than when her mom sends my gift and in that case her mom and dad will be included in the thank you which will say "Thanks for the gift, it was very kind of you." That's it). I will not pursue or chase her. I will not call her or text her. (She can see me online but I can not see her). I don't ask her friends about her. That was the first time she's heard a peep out of me since I booted her from the house. That is very unlike me. She is used to me being at her beck and call, answering emails right away, calling back immediately, etc. So to some degree I think she is learning I have changed. All of her previous ex's left her and just stopped emailing. I was different in the beginning but now I realize that she was chasing them, not the other way around. In my case, I chased her and that was not appealing to her at all. Had I stood my ground, had a spine and stayed being the good but strong man she met when we first started dating, it would never have come to this. But somewhere along the lines I fell in love and forgot who I was. I became this weak, spineless man who changed everything to be what I thought she wanted me to be. That's very, very bad. I'm a better person because of this experience but it still is a bitter pill to swallow. On top of it the new girl I met, there was just no spark. I mean she is nice and sweet and all but just nothing. And she could feel that my heart wasn't beating fast. You can bet when I laid eyes on the ex today the butterflies returned. I've never had that with anyone else. I can only pray it happens again for me, only this time having learned a good hard lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 well if its any comfort this is not just a guy thing. girls get too soft and accomodating too (clingy) and then this whole dynamic is just in reverse..then it's the guy pulling away..so my point is...relationships are a dance...if either side gets too squishy or jerky, it doesn't work...but one person will always have the slight upper hand...and the best relationships are when the role of strongest person goes back and forth between the man and woman and neither one gets stuck in the 'down' position...so don't be so hard on yourself for being a bit too soft, your only problem is you let it go too far or for too long... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 well if its any comfort this is not just a guy thing. girls get too soft and accomodating too (clingy) and then this whole dynamic is just in reverse..then it's the guy pulling away..so my point is...relationships are a dance...if either side gets too squishy or jerky, it doesn't work...but one person will always have the slight upper hand...and the best relationships are when the role of strongest person goes back and forth between the man and woman and neither one gets stuck in the 'down' position...so don't be so hard on yourself for being a bit too soft, your only problem is you let it go too far or for too long... Thanks and very true. When we first started dating I knew something was wrong and I ignored my intuition. I wish I had listened to my brain instead of my heart. I was happy before I met. A LOT happier. I thought I was happy with her but now looking back I was always depressed because our relationship never progressed. It was always in limbo. I was just sort of 'there' for her but she always kept her eyes open for someone better. It sucks because she told me I had many great qualities she would want in a husband, that I was 'too good to be true' and bam, she's off chasing the next guy who treats her like crap. Frustrating. At least I have learned and can continue with the healing process. I needed to vent today. Thankfully I have LS to do so Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 well ok that's good you did very well and your intuition is good... may i just add that there are different types of girls if you will...she sounds like the 'type' that would respond to a slight barb, such as i mentioned in my post above...there are other girls who would like a great guy like you...but for some reason you were not attracted to them....could be this whole thing of she was a challenge to you...so next time you can spot which type of girl you got in your sights....the other thing is to switch up and don't do the same thing all the time...you need to have 2 different 'modes'--nice guy and slight bastard (not seriously but teasing way)...it's the same for us girls--it's alot of work... Link to post Share on other sites
UT_longhorn Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 caliguy, i feel you man. u know my story and know its similar to yours in the fact that i put the woman on the pedestal. how do you feel right now? did the meeting set you back some emotionally? or do you think its just going to be a small hump and you'll move on easily. its been 15 days for me. and i think its getting better. i just want her out of my mind and out of my head and out of my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 caliguy, i feel you man. u know my story and know its similar to yours in the fact that i put the woman on the pedestal. how do you feel right now? I would have been fine had the client not told me she moved close to where her BF lives. I can only assume they are living together. A bit, but I will get over it. I mean, I can't control her and what she does. The only thing I am in control of is myself. I have to do a better job of filtering her out of my mind. Any contact with her that isn't her saying "I made a mistake, I am sorry and I want to try again" I will not respond to. As badly as I feel right now I respect myself enough to know that I deserved to be treated better. Yes, I made many mistakes but have learned a lot from this. There is someone better out there for me. I just need to find her. its been 15 days for me. and i think its getting better. i just want her out of my mind and out of my head and out of my heart. Any time you find yourself thinking about her, think of other things that make you happy. Football, your hobbies, another girl, etc. Eventually you'll forget about her, as I know I will. Right now it's all fresh in my mind so I just have to keep my chin up. I love LS. It's a great place for support. Many of us are going through heartbreak and we can learn a lot from those who have overcome and triumphed. I know I'll be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Caliguy you take way too much responsibility for this not working. The fact is she may well be a personality disordered woman. I know you have your faults but you have to see the reality of this. It was destined to fail. They are relationship ADDICTS. I am a bit worried because I think you would take her back if she said the right things to you. I hope that changes with more distance. Oh yeah and STICK to NC. I don't agree with what you did here but its your choice. regards Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 Caliguy you take way too much responsibility for this not working. The fact is she may well be a personality disordered woman. I know you have your faults but you have to see the reality of this. It was destined to fail. They are relationship ADDICTS. I am a bit worried because I think you would take her back if she said the right things to you. I hope that changes with more distance. Oh yeah and STICK to NC. I don't agree with what you did here but its your choice. What do you mean? Smiling and being cordial? She should see that I can get along fine without her. Also, I think I do know her pretty well. I know when she is being sincere and not. She has relationship issues and wasn't healthy when we were dating. But perhaps having her own place, a job and a life of her own will change her. Who knows? I do feel that I should move on and I wish I could find someone else that piqued my interest like she did. It's just so hard. With all these LS women on here dating jerks you would think some of them would be local and interested in a good (not nice!) guy like me I have a lot of great qualities that the right woman will recognize. Thanks for the feedback. I too need a smack in the right direction occasionally. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 RE: CaliGuy: " There is someone better out there for me. I just need to find her. " CaliGuy: " I wish I could find someone else that piqued my interest like she did. " CaliGuy: " With all these LS women on here dating jerks you would think some of them would be local and interested in a good (not nice!) guy like me I have a lot of great qualities that the right woman will recognize. " CaliGuy: "... need a smack in the right direction..." Cali, There IS someone out there better for you. Better FOR you, Better TO you, -just better. And you ARE a great guy with phenomenal qualities -strength, caring- and superlative wisdom, displayed in your posts throughout this forum. I do not doubt there will be someone wonderful in your life again when all this has finished changing you. And I smile when I think of how lucky she is. Here's your 'smack!' : K-i-s-s-s! -it's the best I could do, -LS doesn't have the 'kissy-face' thingy. (Smile) Take Care. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 RE: Cali, There IS someone out there better for you. Better FOR you, Better TO you, -just better. And you ARE a great guy with phenomenal qualities -strength, caring- and superlative wisdom, displayed in your posts throughout this forum. I do not doubt there will be someone wonderful in your life again when all this has finished changing you. And I smile when I think of how lucky she is. Here's your 'smack!' : K-i-s-s-s! (Smile) -Rio Thanks for the pep talk, Rio. I needed it. I think I am a good catch, that is why I am kicking myself for letting me get away from my normal self. I didn't need to do that, I should just stayed true (and I would have booted her a long time ago and not held on so long). Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 LMAO! RE: "....I am a good catch, that is why I am kicking myself for letting me get away..." Cali, it's so good to hear you think and talk that way about yourself! Loving it! -Rio "After we are born, we give birth to ourselves" -My Grandfather, The Philosopher Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 CaliGuy, Today is actually a new beginning. There was good stuff that came out of what happened. Your mindset is stating to reverse into seeing that it's over and there's a future for you. We all have hindsght regrets about how we handled these people who came into our lives for better or worse...we replay what we should have done. I am a victim of thinking this myself. When I read your scenario, I can only say, you did the best you could and she was not capable of giving you back the love you rightly deserve. Don't allow thoughts of her ingratiude plague you. Otherwise you be consumed with thinking over and over what she was thinking...the truth is we'll never know what makes another tick. As much as you can love someone, what goes on in their minds is near impossible to predict. So we torture ourselves with why they behave the way they do. You know like the rest of us that NC is the only way now. P.S. You are a nice guy. COnscientous and all. BUT ......think twice about accepting gifts from her mom accepting presents is an invisible link to the X... which will remind you of her when you accept these gifts. Anyway, we are here for you at L.S.!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 After thinking about it, I probably won't respond once I receive the gift. Let her stew on it. In the old days I would jump at any chance to talk to her. She saw the new me first hand yesterday. 6 words: "How are you?" "See you later." That's after her saying "It's nice to see you...." Me: No response, just a smile. It should be nice for her to see me. She's never had anyone like me in her life and she probably never will Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Uh excuse me CaliGuy, but is that your photo..because if it is:cool: ...and you write anymore about this woman, I'm seriously going to have to figure a way to reach through your monitor and slap you to your senses! Look at yourself dude...you can not possibly be having a shortage of women in your life..LET THAT SCAB GO! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 Uh excuse me CaliGuy, but is that your photo..because if it is:cool: ...and you write anymore about this woman, I'm seriously going to have to figure a way to reach through your monitor and slap you to your senses! Look at yourself dude...you can not possibly be having a shortage of women in your life..LET THAT SCAB GO! That is me, December 2005 at Mammoth Mountain. And if you want, I can send a photo of us from October 2005 at a wedding. We looked so perfect together. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 That is me, December 2005 at Mammoth Mountain. And if you want, I can send a photo of us from October 2005 at a wedding. We looked so perfect together. What are we going to do about you? GET RID of the momentos...and where's Mammoth Mountain...if they look like you there I've Suddenly found a cured over pinning for the X! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 What are we going to do about you? GET RID of the momentos...and where's Mammoth Mountain...Suddenly I've been cured of my pinning over the X! I've put the photos away, I don't look at them anymore. Someday I will look back and wonder "what the heck were you thinking???" Mammoth is Northeast of Los Angeles, not too terribly far from Lake Tahoe. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Too far! (boo hoo) Anyway I'm a lousy skier, guess I have to hang here in the Big Apple Someday I will look back and wonder "what the heck were you thinking???"...Probably by this weekend that thought will have crossed your mind at least a hundred times! Link to post Share on other sites
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