Waiting on true love

[SeacliffLover]

Hey there I’m 38 years old, and in a relationship with a married woman with 2 kids ..by the way which love me so much as I love them, she’s been married for 9 horrible years to a narcissist in the military I’ve know her for about 8 years I grew up with knowing her entire family, last year I ended a 9 years relationship myself. We started telling each others stories we chatted for 3 months while she was over seas,  and when we finally met while visiting her family in the summer we fell In love I’ve gone to see her 3 times in 8 months over seas where her husband signed a 3 year contract ..  we’ve made solid plans on getting married once she files for divorce which she’s clearly told me from the beginning she will do it once this contract end in 2 years she’s given me her timeline and it all seem doable but I’m an impatient person I’m an emotional and sensitive person and have started taking therapy to help control my emotions and anxiety….  There’s so much more details, complexity and complication to this story but I’d like to hear some positive feed back on how could I get through this? 
 

she has her genuine reasons why she’s going to stick it out for the remainder of this contract, I understand her but at the same time I don’t want to be hurting of having anxiety or depression over this what seems like an eternal wait. 

[basil67]

This is truly a high risk proposition, and I think you're right to be anxious (that she may not divorce) and depressed (about the long wait) 

What is the reason she can't leave for another two years?   I can't begin to imagine what kind of situation would have her stay with him for that long

[SeacliffLover]

She wants to make sure her kids don’t go through a quick transition.. she’s preparing mentally to go through the shock that they may or may not endure. While at the same time letting them finish school in a safe place (Japan) she’s not to keen on moving to the US, but ultimately that where she’ll end up .. her husband is white and she is mexican she has her own house in Mexico and a bous Lu her husband won’t move to Mexico. She’s already told her husband she is filling for divorced as soon as this contract is done. (Note) her husband has taken her independence away by not letting her work always abusing her financially, mentally, verbally she had $50,000 saved up which was to help her start over but was all taken from her husband recently. She just wants to make sure she doesn’t rush it without a solid plan. 

[basil67]

If she's filing for divorce when his contract is done, then the kids transition will only start then.  It would be another couple of years after that before you could properly become part of their lives.    

Do you think that moving back to the US will be an option for your wife under the current administration?  

Edited Thursday at 04:16 AM by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, boy.

Man, you need to come back down to Earth here. This is not a relationship. It's an affair. And you are going to wind up even more hurt when she doesn't leave her husband for you. 

7 hours ago, SeacliffLover said:

I’m an emotional and sensitive person and have started taking therapy to help control my emotions and anxiety….

I hope your therapist is helping you understand that being in a situation like this is what's making your anxiety and emotional regulation worse. You won't find peace or contentment when you make such poor choices in your love life, OP. 

The chances of this working out the way you hope are incredibly slim. I hope in time you see that, before you wind up emotionally devastated. 

Edited Thursday at 06:28 AM by ExpatInItaly

[SeacliffLover]

Thank you guys for the feedback, yes the US would be an option for her she’s getting her citizenship this year worst comes to worse she will live in Mexico where she built a home over the last 4 years that is under her kids name. Also I have a beach house in Puerto Vallarta where I plan to retire. 
 

im hoping to take the slim chance, and see how this plays out..  I know it’s a long shot but I’ve never been a quitter as for my own emotions and personal feelings I’ll try to work through them by taking therapy I know 2 years is a pretty long time but I’ve already lost 9 years with the wrong person and I’m not the type of person to just give up on something I believe and live with regret of “what if”

[ExpatInItaly]

Does your therapist know this is all about a married woman who has kids and lives on the other side of the world? 

1 hour ago, SeacliffLover said:

I’ve never been a quitter

This is what a lot of people with poor boundaries say, because it justifies hanging on to dead-ends way too long. It has nothing to do  with quitting, really, and everything to do with making better choices for yourself in the first place - and not winding up in situations like this where you stand to get hurt again. If you really think she's going to leave him in 2 years and up-end not only her own life but also her kids' by moving them god knows where, you are going to be very disappointed. 

1 hour ago, SeacliffLover said:

I’ve already lost 9 years with the wrong person

So you're repeating a pattern here. Nevermind the fact that you have no right to be carrying on like this with another man's wife. Why is that okay with you? Because you think he is a bad guy, and thus you have given yourself permission to cheat with his wife? 

With respect, your own moral compass needs adjusting. 

[ShyViolet]

On 3/5/2025 at 10:47 PM, SeacliffLover said:

 her husband has taken her independence away by not letting her work always abusing her financially, mentally, verbally

If someone was truly being abused financially, mentally and verbally, they wouldn't plan on staying in the marriage for two more years.  Your plan is crazy and frankly makes no sense.  You are hinging your entire future on a dysfunctional and messed up situation that anyone can see is very unlikely to work out the way you think it will.  

 

20 hours ago, SeacliffLover said:

 I know it’s a long shot but I’ve never been a quitter 

Anyone with healthy judgment and boundaries would put a stop to these poor choices, it's not about being a "quitter".  This is something that you should and WOULD be "quitting" if you had better judgment.

[Esteban]

When people say they are going to leave their current relationship for you at some point in the future they often change their mind and don't follow through. 

I suggest you end it with her, but tell her to get in touch with you when she has separated from her husband. Tell her very politely you're breaking off all contact with her until then.

Tell you that you are not waiting for her and will be dating other people, so there's no guarantee you'll be available when she moves out and files for divorce. But that she can contact you then and see.

And do date other people. You don't want to waste two years waiting for something that may drag out longer or never materialize.

Also, since she's cheating on him, how do you know she won't cheat on you. The argument will perhaps be because it's only because he's a narcissist, but you only have her word about that.

Risking damaging or destroying the lives of the children involved is also morally questionable.

Good luck.