My girlfriend and I argue constantly, I'm at my wits end

[Striving4better]

Please help me. I don't know what to do anymore.

My girlfriend and I have been arguing lately and it's always the same thing over and over again. It boils down to communication issues and upsetting her.

Today we had an argument. Here is the context:

* She is going to a wedding today and there is a family member (cousin) attending that my girlfriend's family had a major falling out with and has not seen in years.

* My gf and her family is feeling anxious and worried about seeing the cousin 

* I text her and asking how she is feeling and offer my empathy etc, 

* The texts go back and forth and nothing is wrong , usual conversation.

* She also tells me how she had a bad haircut and she feels ugly 

Sooo

When she is free I give her a call 

We are talking on the phone, I ask her how her shopping went (as she went shopping) i ask her about her hair (and try to cheer her up), I ask her how her family feels about seeing the cousin and she gives a really short answer, I ask her what time she is going, and also few other questions about the wedding she gives one word / short answers and just goes silent. So i go silent as well and it gets awkward as i run out of things to say.

Sensing something is wrong, i ask if she is ok 

She tells me she is upset/annoyed at me because i asked everything except how SHE FELT about seeing the cousin 

I immediately apologised, acknowledged this that I should of asked her but also told her that her short answers made me feel like she didn't want to talk about the subject 

Then she just lost it at me saying how i'm blaming her for me not asking her initially, that i'm putting the blame on her , she starts yelling, crying, getting hystertical.

I;m just so sick of this. Every time I upset her , I can not explain to her the cause, or context without her sayying im making excuses, blaming her, being toxic, being a gaslight.

Im tired of being accused of these things

Every time i upset her i always strive to be better and acknowledge what i did and apologise and want to be better but she just never considers the context of the situation, for example if i'm distracted, or tired, or felt like i reacted due to the tone of her voice, everything is just effing dismissed!

sorry for the language im just so upset, im at my wits end

[Gebidozo]

What to do? Break up with her, of course.

There is no use in subjecting yourself to the mental tortures inflicted by toxic and abusive people. 

[Acacia98]

51 minutes ago, Striving4better said:

Every time i upset her i always strive to be better and acknowledge what i did and apologise and want to be better but she just never considers the context of the situation, for example if i'm distracted, or tired, or felt like i reacted due to the tone of her voice, everything is just effing dismissed!

sorry for the language im just so upset, im at my wits end

If you  choose to stay in this relationship, understand that you're signing up for a lifetime of this. It doesn't get better (I've dated someone like this; I have relatives and acquaintances who are like this).

If you love yourself and want to preserve your sanity, you'd better start working on your relationship exit plan.

Edited Saturday at 08:44 AM by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Striving4better said:

Every time i upset her i always strive to be better

And does she ever do the same? Does she strive to regulate her emotions like an adult and approach conflict maturely? I am guessing she doesn't. 

I would end it. This is exhausting and she is not mature enough for a healthy relationship, clearly. I would be done. 

[Striving4better]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And does she ever do the same? Does she strive to regulate her emotions like an adult and approach conflict maturely? I am guessing she doesn't. 

I would end it. This is exhausting and she is not mature enough for a healthy relationship, clearly. I would be done. 

No she doesn't and it makes me so annoyed

I just feel like i'm always the one compromising for her needs,

It never feels like we are an equal team, where she wants to really truly listen to me and try and compromise or make an adjustment

 

[ExpatInItaly]

All of this is how you know it's time to break up with her. 

This is plain dysfunctional and it's not going to get better. 

[smackie9]

Dump her, she's immature and high maintenance.

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, Striving4better said:

No she doesn't and it makes me so annoyed

I just feel like i'm always the one compromising for her needs,

It never feels like we are an equal team, where she wants to really truly listen to me and try and compromise or make an adjustment

 

Ok then the obvious conclusion is that you need to end this relationship.  There's no way I would stay with someone who behaves like this.  Why are you putting up with this?  

[basil67]

"It has become apparent that I cannot meet your needs, so I've decided it's best if I end the relationship so you can find someone who can"

[BaileyB]

You are not responsible for her happiness. She needs to learn how to regulate her own emotions.

In no way would I tolerate this kind of emotionally immature and attention seeking behavior. 

Edited Saturday at 10:32 PM by BaileyB

[blueskies]

Tho does not seem like a healthy relationship.

[Calmandfocused]

Op I feel for you. This is an incredibly unhealthy/ toxic dynamic. 
 

The bad news is that it won’t get any better. On the contrary it’s likely to get worse. 
 

Im sensing from your post that you’re very attached to your girlfriend. You’d have to be to put it with this (and it’s all part of the pattern) but you need to face the facts:
 

Do you want to spend your future perpetually petrified that you’re going to do/ say the wrong thing? How about your children being screamed at by a mother who cannot control and regulate her emotions? How do you think that will affect you/ them? 
 

Your girlfriend needs professional help in my view. There is no excuse for that sort of behaviour. I’ve seen people diagnosed with BPD/EUPD who can do a better job at managing themselves, especially with people they love. 
 

Op you know deep down that it’s not acceptable and that you deserve better than this. It’s time for you to start emotionally detaching and making better choices for yourself. 

You’ll never be able to meet her unreasonable expectations and neither should you.