I need a man's perspective, why would a guy do this?

[astona]

I and 22m met about a month ago naturally not through dating apps. We hit it off really quick we both are sarcastic, bicker and banter and like to have fun. Things were moving quickly in terms of connection and we had a talk about it he said he never had this fast of a connection and he is also scared like me.  he told me that he cannot text sometimes when he is at work and told me he was trying to log in to his instagram at work multiple times because phones are not allowed at his job he is a marine and he works on base and handles classified documents and stuff. He said it’s not fair to me so he’s trying to text at work. We always had an ongoing joke that we’re not in a relationship and one time when we were cooking together i made that joke and he looked at me and said come on, we’re in a relationship i said no i haven’t been asked and he asked me to be. He seemed serious and genuine. He told me he told his friends about me because everytime they asked him to hangout on the weekends he blew them to hangout with me. He sent them a picture of the food we made. He told me about his family and i told him about mine and he said he was feeling more comfortable around me. he is serious and looking for a relationship. I even told him im moving soon to florida on our third date and he said we can do long distance if things go that far and he said he already imagine what a relationship with me would look like. We opened up the Florida topic again and he said he doesn’t want to hurt me and that he’s scared if i move the relationship won’t be enough for me and i would stop liking him. I said we have an option of not talkikg anymore so neither of us get hurt and we can just end things and he said “you can do that but i won’t do that” He was a gentleman, he always picked me up , put effort into texting me except for one week where i felt we were distanced but then i opened the topic with him and he was very understanding not defensive and explained why it happened and that he will do better and not put excuses. He was always was the one to initiate seeing me. We never had sex and he was very respectful of my decision to wait.

 

We saw each other on Tuesday of valentines week and he wanted to see me Wednesday or Thursday but i told him I'll have school and that we can do friday he said yes. On Thursday the day before valentine’s he wanted to see me and asked me again, i said i cant because i have school, he said what about tomorrow, i said sure what time and the was the last i heard from him for the night. Next day (Friday, vday) he texted during his lunch break saying happy valentines with a kiss emoji and didn’t say anything about my previous message asking for time. Usually he doesn’t have much time so i thought he will text after he gets off, I still got ready thinking he will text after work. I heard nothing from him until i texted him at night asking if he’s dead, here's the conversation. 

me: “Are you dead?”

him: “Nooo sorry babes i was passed out cold, did you just have school today?”

me: “Passed out as in?”

him:“Passed out as in got intoxicated, just head hurts rn, are you going out with the girls tonight?”

me:“Are you serious?”

him:“Is that bad? are you going our with the girls tonight?”

me:“Ok ____ go sleep it off and read our messages and figure it out yourself goodnight”

him:“Damn wtf how am i the bad guy you said you had school yesterday and today and couldn’t hang out why you being this way”

Day two:

He texted “this is my good evening text i didn’t have to sleep anything off i was just trynna see the real you”

me:“Good evening did you see the real me? I didn’t want to text anything thinking you were still intoxicated im not a person who put people down or disrespects them i wanted to give you the chance to see why i was disappointed yesterday Im open to talking about things” 

:“You’re twisting my words when im just trynna talk, go ahead speak you mind and im not gonna overreact and it will make our relationship stronger, let’s talk im curious to see where you’re coming from “ And then we agreed to see each other and that’s when the rest of the story continues.

 

 

 

 

He came over and all he had to say was “i left you out to dry” i asked him that’s it? He said yeah. I then explained to him everything and why i was hurt by his actions. To which he said “im a really shitty person, you deserve better “ I said it that it’s you’re not gonna explain why you did what you did? He said hes not gonna beg me and that we can work on our relationship and it would only make it stronger. I asked why would a boyfriend ask to hangout the day before v day he said maybe he wanted to see me both days. He said he came because he wanted to see me and missed me and my voice. I said no i can’t stay where someone has hurt me. And then he said “that’s probably why you never talk to a guy more than a month, you’re smart funny and attractive and you get bored easily and you just want to have fun.” I said if you daughter went through the same thing would you let her work on the relationship with the guy? He said yes and that i was being vague. He asked me again if i wanted to work on this and that I shouldn’t give up on the first bump in the road. I said no because you're not even showing any signs of remorse and didn't say sorry not even once, and then he said I know I did the one thing you told me not to do but I think sorry is an overrate overused word and it doesn't mean anything. I was flabbergasted and quickly realized this is what manipulation looks like. While i know i did the right thing, im still confused by his actions. How can someone flip overnight, and admit to doing something that hurt but still want to work on things?

also I asked him to return me something I had left with him once, and once we agreed on a time and place he didn't show and ignored my messages. 

[Sony12]

Well for starters he was just love bombing you the whole time. It's what some people do when they are trying to get someone to like them but it seldom is how they really feel. You two weren't around one another enough to genuinely have those feelings about each other. You were just lusting over one another for a few dates.

It's best both of you go your separate ways. You had only gone on a few dates and you were already talking about moving away and being forced to have a long distance relationship. And on top of that either one or both of you are still in the partying phase of life.

Neither one of you are probably ready for a serious relationship.

[astona]

28 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Well for starters he was just love bombing you the whole time. It's what some people do when they are trying to get someone to like them but it seldom is how they really feel. You two weren't around one another enough to genuinely have those feelings about each other. You were just lusting over one another for a few dates.

It's best both of you go your separate ways. You had only gone on a few dates and you were already talking about moving away and being forced to have a long distance relationship. And on top of that either one or both of you are still in the partying phase of life.

Neither one of you are probably ready for a serious relationship.

thankyyou for replying! I thought about love bombing but there was no grand gestures or i love yous or weird lovey dovey talk. Just regular appreciation like “i like hanging out with and spending time with you or thinking about you”. Although it was just a month we saw each other regularly all initiated by him. For reference during the month, we saw each other almost four times a week. We talked about religion, family, friends, ex relationships, childhood. Otherwise i wouldn’t be so confused. And i gave him an out when we were talking about me moving and he didn’t take it. And we didn’t have sex or do anything even close for us to just be lusting? 

[Sony12]

49 minutes ago, astona said:

thankyyou for replying! I thought about love bombing but there was no grand gestures or i love yous or weird lovey dovey talk. Just regular appreciation like “i like hanging out with and spending time with you or thinking about you”. Although it was just a month we saw each other regularly all initiated by him. For reference during the month, we saw each other almost four times a week. We talked about religion, family, friends, ex relationships, childhood. Otherwise i wouldn’t be so confused. And i gave him an out when we were talking about me moving and he didn’t take it. And we didn’t have sex or do anything even close for us to just be lusting? 

 

No he didn't bomb you with I love you's or anything like that but he did constantly tell you how you two were in a relationship and how what the future with you might look like. If you two had been dating for months on end then that's perfectly fine but you had only known each other for a few weeks and had only gone on a few dates. Far too soon for feelings like that to genuinely form. Both of you were pretty much just reacting to the attraction you were feeling.

You said you two didn't have sex and that he was respectful of it. Are you sure though that that he was wanting to wait though. Him being respectful of you wanting to wait doesn't mean that that was what he was wanting to do. It just means he wasn't going to physically assault you. He did seem to grow frustrated with you very quickly and if he wasn't getting laid when he wanted to than that could have been the reason.

Whatever the case was you two clearly weren't seeing eye to eye with each other because your romance only lasted a few weeks.

A general rule to follow is don't pay attention to what people say. Pay attention to what people do. As many times people are only saying what they think the other wants to hear.

Also are you wishing to wait until marriage for sex or at least until the relationship is really serious? What is genuinely your timeline for being comfortable with intimacy? Unfortunately a lot of people these days are becoming intimate with one another almost immediately. Which makes it challenging for someone to find a romantic partner legitimately willing to wait for sex.

A lot of times it's good to have a compromise when it comes to that. If you don't want to have intercourse do a little foreplay if you are comfortable doing so.

[Gebidozo]

Honestly, I’m confused by both your and his behavior.

First of all, making grand plans with a person you’ve known for a month is sheer madness. You were both lovebombing each other, and it’s no wonder the budding relationship collapsed without having really started properly.

Second, I don’t understand why you’d be so mad about him confusing dates or missing specifically a Valentine’s Day date or whatever really happened there. So there was a misunderstanding concerning a really trivial and unimportant matter. Why give him such a hard time about it?

Third, I don’t get why he couldn’t just say sorry to you. That’s the first thing a person should do when they see they’ve upset the other person.

In short, the entire interaction that you’ve described strikes me as strange.

 

Edited Saturday at 05:08 PM by Gebidozo

[astona]

14 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

 

No he didn't bomb you with I love you's or anything like that but he did constantly tell you how you two were in a relationship and how what the future with you might look like. If you two had been dating for months on end then that's perfectly fine but you had only known each other for a few weeks and had only gone on a few dates. Far too soon for feelings like that to genuinely form. Both of you were pretty much just reacting to the attraction you were feeling.

You said you two didn't have sex and that he was respectful of it. Are you sure though that that he was wanting to wait though. Him being respectful of you wanting to wait doesn't mean that that was what he was wanting to do. It just means he wasn't going to physically assault you. He did seem to grow frustrated with you very quickly and if he wasn't getting laid when he wanted to than that could have been the reason.

Whatever the case was you two clearly weren't seeing eye to eye with each other because your romance only lasted a few weeks.

A general rule to follow is don't pay attention to what people say. Pay attention to what people do. As many times people are only saying what they think the other wants to hear.

Also are you wishing to wait until marriage for sex or at least until the relationship is really serious? What is genuinely your timeline for being comfortable with intimacy? Unfortunately a lot of people these days are becoming intimate with one another almost immediately. Which makes it challenging for someone to find a romantic partner legitimately willing to wait for sex.

A lot of times it's good to have a compromise when it comes to that. If you don't want to have intercourse do a little foreplay if you are comfortable doing so.

I really appreciate your input, this happened back in February and I'm only 22 so I'm really starting to learn a lot from this. I never had a long term relationship, so once I saw something that I thought was genuine with this guy I wanted to believe it. 

When we had the talk about sex I told him I never slept with anyone, which is true, I told him that I am not waiting for marriage, I am just waiting for a genuine connection with someone because I have had guys that I was dating  push my boundary, and when I told him the stories he was appalled and disgusted. He said we can go as slow as I want and he would never do anything to push that boundary, which is true he never did. He wouldn't even try to touch me in a place unless I told him he can. I'm not sure what you mean by him getting frustrated quickly? 

I fully agree with you, actions over words, another thing I knew already but failed miserably to apply because I was blinded by him simply always initiating seeing me which I took as actions. foolish of me. 

[smackie9]

Both your communication skills are terrible. You both got your wires crossed, and the reaction is the both of you getting your backs up about it. I can see why he ran away...if that's how things get when there's an issue, he's not going to stick around, especially when you have been dating for such a short time...I would call it quits too. You both don't see eye to eye and that's a huge red flag.

[astona]

17 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Honestly, I’m confused by both your and his behavior.

First of all, making grand plans with a person you’ve known for a month is sheer madness. You were both lovebombing each other, and it’s no wonder the budding relationship collapsed without having really started properly.

Second, I don’t understand why you’d be so mad about him confusing dates or missing specifically a Valentine’s Day date or whatever really happened there. So there was a misunderstanding concerning a really trivial and unimportant matter. Why give him such a hard time about it?

Third, I don’t get why he couldn’t just say sorry to you. That’s the first thing a person should do when they see they’ve upset the other person.

In short, the entire interaction that you’ve described strikes me as strange.

 

thank you for commenting. I get your confusion. When we met and he approached me, he asked to go on a date and I told him from the beginning that I'll be moving, as I don't like to lead people on. his comment the first time was he doesn't care. I brushed it off knowing guys will say anything the first date. but after a few other dates, I opened the topic again because I don't want both of us to get hurt, and that's when we had the talk and I gave him an out and told him we can just stop talking right now or I would give him time to think and see if he wants to continue dating, as I still have five months before I have to move. he said he wants to keep talking and that if we make it to the time I have to move, he is willing to do long distance.

here's why I gave him a hard time. the day before valentines he asked to see me, I said I can't because of school. he said what about tomorrow? (v day) I said sure lmk what time and that was at 6:00 pm. he did not respond for the rest of Thursday and only replied with happy valentines day on friday during his lunch break which is simply not like him, because we usually send 4-5 messages at a time and he always replies to each one, and that never changed until that day so I knew something was up. 

2. he always texts me when he's off work. he didn't that day. 

3. when we he came over and we talked about it, I explained to him everything and gave him a chance to explain his perspective, he had no explanation and he didn't say anything about confusing dates or missing something, he simply had no explanation and took zero accountability. And he only said 'I'm a shitty person, you deserve better" and then tried to get me to continue working on the relationship and that I shouldn't quit at the "first bump in the road"

[astona]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Both your communication skills are terrible. You both got your wires crossed, and the reaction is the both of you getting your backs up about it. I can see why he ran away...if that's how things get when there's an issue, he's not going to stick around, especially when you have been dating for such a short time...I would call it quits too. You both don't see eye to eye and that's a huge red flag.

I'm only 22 so I accept I have things to learn, but I think my communication skills are not the worst. I gave him a chance to explain, did not blow up or yell or anything. I simply asked for an explanation, he didn't have one. We only had one issue before, I brought it up calmly, he understood, said he will be better and he actually did become better. but this time around it was different since he very clearly avoided acknowledging he did anything wrong until I called him out on it, and then expected me to stay with him when he made no effort to explain the situation, but instead tried to deflect, and I choose to call it quits, not him.

[Sony12]

@astonaI think you just need to date casually at this point in time like most people your age are doing. Just meet people you find attractive, hang out for awhile, and then after a period of time passes (meaning much longer than just a few weeks) and you still feel a strong urge to be around each other you can then talk about becoming official with each other.

A few weeks is too soon to know how you really feel about each other even for individuals your parents age. Let alone college age kids like you two are. 

Just hang out with your friends and meet people that way. Don't even think about saying you are 'dating' and are a 'couple' until much further down the line.

[astona]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

@astonaI think you just need to date casually at this point in time like most people your age are doing. Just meet people you find attractive, hang out for awhile, and then after a period of time passes (meaning much longer than just a few weeks) and you still feel a strong urge to be around each other you can then talk about becoming official with each other.

A few weeks is too soon to know how you really feel about each other even for individuals your parents age. Let alone college age kids like you two are. 

Just hang out with your friends and meet people that way. Don't even think about saying you are 'dating' and are a 'couple' until much further down the line.

thank you for being kind. That's exactly what I learned from this experience. Assuming you're a man, what do you think the reason is behind him not giving me my blanket back. he had ignore the first message about it, then I called and we agreed on a time and place, I offered to pick it up but he said he can drop it off, and he didn't follow through. and that was a week ago and still nothing. I made my peace with not getting back, and I won't give it any more energy, I'm just wondering. 

[Sony12]

3 minutes ago, astona said:

thank you for being kind. That's exactly what I learned from this experience. Assuming you're a man, what do you think the reason is behind him not giving me my blanket back. he had ignore the first message about it, then I called and we agreed on a time and place, I offered to pick it up but he said he can drop it off, and he didn't follow through. and that was a week ago and still nothing. I made my peace with not getting back, and I won't give it any more energy, I'm just wondering. 

Immaturity on his part. He probably wasn't in the mood to be around you at the time so just avoided the situation. If the blanket is really important to you to get back just continue to tell him you want the blanket back and that is all.

That's why it's good not to leave stuff over at someone's place in the first few months or so. Perfectly fine to spend the night with them if you want to but make sure all the clothing and other possessions that you had with you when you came. Are in your possession when you leave.

 

[blueskies]

There does not seem to be a great deal of trust either way in this relationship.

[ShyViolet]

You were both lovebombing each other.  All this intensity when you've only known the person a month is ridiculous.  It's not smart to move so fast, and now you're seeing why.

[Esteban]

10 hours ago, astona said:

I also I asked him to return me something I had left with him once, and once we agreed on a time and place he didn't show and ignored my messages. 

This bit concerns me, not showing up is bad enough but not responding. I was going to say keep trying for a bit until I saw this.

Odd that he didn't see you on Valentines day. Is is possible he is seeing someone else?

A bit hard for us to judge based on a few posts but I think I'd at least consider ending this.

[Sony12]

If he doesn't really want to be around you anymore just tell him he can leave the blanket on your porch and then leave. If you want the blanket back he should find a way to get it back to you. You two don't have to talk when it's done.

 

[astona]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

If he doesn't really want to be around you anymore just tell him he can leave the blanket on your porch and then leave. If you want the blanket back he should find a way to get it back to you. You two don't have to talk when it's done.

 

When we were on the phone call i offered to pick up since i thought it was a laziness issue 

he said no he can drop it off. I said if you want just leave it anywhere he said no so we agreed on a place and a time. 
right now im almost a 100 percent it’s a petty thing he’s playing, like im the one that ended things so to him he’s the victim? Or he just wants to keep a loose end for when he comes back?? 
i dont know ill never get answers for the many questions i have. Im letting go of the blanket for the sake of me moving on. 

[Esteban]

Yeah often it's best not to try and get the answers. In time, you'll not care about the answers as much as you do right now.

It sounds like you have moved on and ended things with him. I guess that's what you meant by "I said no because you're not even showing any signs of remorse" and I suppose perhaps I should have realized that's why you asked for something to be returned. It wasn't clear to me at first, perhaps I should have read it more carefully. Sorry about that.

[astona]

14 minutes ago, Esteban said:

Yeah often it's best not to try and get the answers. In time, you'll not care about the answers as much as you do right now.

It sounds like you have moved on and ended things with him. I guess that's what you meant by "I said no because you're not even showing any signs of remorse" and I suppose perhaps I should have realized that's why you asked for something to be returned. It wasn't clear to me at first, perhaps I should have read it more carefully. Sorry about that.

It’s okay no worries, it’s a long post. I appreciate you being sweet about it. 

[Acacia98]

14 hours ago, astona said:

here's why I gave him a hard time. the day before valentines he asked to see me, I said I can't because of school. he said what about tomorrow? (v day) I said sure lmk what time and that was at 6:00 pm. he did not respond for the rest of Thursday and only replied with happy valentines day on friday during his lunch break which is simply not like him, because we usually send 4-5 messages at a time and he always replies to each one, and that never changed until that day so I knew something was up. 

2. he always texts me when he's off work. he didn't that day. 

3. when we he came over and we talked about it, I explained to him everything and gave him a chance to explain his perspective, he had no explanation and he didn't say anything about confusing dates or missing something, he simply had no explanation and took zero accountability. And he only said 'I'm a shitty person, you deserve better" and then tried to get me to continue working on the relationship and that I shouldn't quit at the "first bump in the road"

Well, given the context and the fact that he said, "I'm a shitty person and you deserve better," I'm guessing he was with someone else. Maybe he's been seeing someone else all along. Maybe he got pissed off you wouldn't drop a day of school for him. I don't know. But I wouldn't waste my time trying to patch things up with this guy. You barely knew each other anyway and will be leaving in a few months.

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, astona said:

he did not respond for the rest of Thursday and only replied with happy valentines day on friday during his lunch break which is simply not like him, because we usually send 4-5 messages at a time and he always replies to each one, and that never changed until that day so I knew something was up. 

Sorry, still confused. So what if he replied a bit late, maybe he was busy. Sending 4-5 messages at a time and replying to each one shouldn’t be some kind of a rule, people reply when they can. It’s not that he went completely silent for several days or anything.

It looks like people are texting so much today and have very high expectations regarding the frequency. I wouldn’t be able to function under such pressure. Maybe I’m getting old.

Regarding his inability to apologize, as I said, I feel that you both appear to have communication problems.

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, astona said:

I really appreciate your input, this happened back in February and I'm only 22 so I'm really starting to learn a lot from this. I never had a long term relationship, so once I saw something that I thought was genuine with this guy I wanted to believe it. 

When we had the talk about sex I told him I never slept with anyone, which is true, I told him that I am not waiting for marriage, I am just waiting for a genuine connection with someone because I have had guys that I was dating  push my boundary, and when I told him the stories he was appalled and disgusted. He said we can go as slow as I want and he would never do anything to push that boundary, which is true he never did. He wouldn't even try to touch me in a place unless I told him he can. I'm not sure what you mean by him getting frustrated quickly? 

I fully agree with you, actions over words, another thing I knew already but failed miserably to apply because I was blinded by him simply always initiating seeing me which I took as actions. foolish of me. 

You’ve only known him for one month. You can’t expect to evaluate a relationship as genuine after such a short time. People need to date for a couple of years at least before such an evaluation can be made.

Meanwhile, while you’re getting to know the person who might qualify for a genuine (I assume you mean long-term) relationship, sex is an absolutely essential aspect of the process. Very few men I know would agree to wait indefinitely for sex, and generally dating a virgin isn’t for everyone. Maybe he realized that and began to back off. You should look for someone who is clearly on the same page as you regarding these issues. This can’t be tested within a month.

[Sony12]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You’ve only known him for one month. You can’t expect to evaluate a relationship as genuine after such a short time. People need to date for a couple of years at least before such an evaluation can be made.

Meanwhile, while you’re getting to know the person who might qualify for a genuine (I assume you mean long-term) relationship, sex is an absolutely essential aspect of the process. Very few men I know would agree to wait indefinitely for sex, and generally dating a virgin isn’t for everyone. Maybe he realized that and began to back off. You should look for someone who is clearly on the same page as you regarding these issues. This can’t be tested within a month.

A lot of times when guys tell gals they are willing to wait they are really just being nice but they don't really mean it. And in the back of their mind they are hoping that the definition of waiting is only going to be a few dates later. Unless both people are wanting to wait equally as much it's good to have a compromise. If intercourse is the main thing you want to wait on find other things that you are ok with. For instance making out, oral sex, letting each other see you naked.......things like that.

It's going to be difficult to find someone who legitimately wants to wait as well. And if you go that route all you are really doing is cutting down on the potential people you could be getting to know.

 

 

Edited Sunday at 01:12 PM by Sony12

[Gebidozo]

10 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

A lot of times when guys tell gals they are willing to wait they are really just being nice but they don't really mean it. And in the back of their mind they are hoping that the definition of waiting is only going to be a few dates later. Unless both people are wanting to wait equally as much it's good to have a compromise. If intercourse is the main thing you want to wait on find other things that you are ok with. For instance making out, oral sex, letting each other see you naked.......things like that.

It's going to be difficult to find someone who legitimately wants to wait as well. And if you go that route all you are really doing is cutting down on the potential people you could be getting to know.

 

 

Well, if a guy tells a woman he is willing to wait for sex as much as she needs him to, he isn’t being nice if he is lying about it. He is actually misleading the woman.

It only happened to me once when a woman I was dating told me I’ll have to wait for sex a very long time, because she only agreed to have sex within a marriage. I had to break up with her because it was a dealbreaker to me.

[Sony12]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, if a guy tells a woman he is willing to wait for sex as much as she needs him to, he isn’t being nice if he is lying about it. He is actually misleading the woman.

It only happened to me once when a woman I was dating told me I’ll have to wait for sex a very long time, because she only agreed to have sex within a marriage. I had to break up with her because it was a dealbreaker to me.

I wouldn't call it mean because misleading people is pretty much the most common thing both men and women do during dating. They mislead each other not to be mean. But to try to avoid being mean in their eyes.