I need a man's perspective, why would a guy do this?

[astona]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Sorry, still confused. So what if he replied a bit late, maybe he was busy. Sending 4-5 messages at a time and replying to each one shouldn’t be some kind of a rule, people reply when they can. It’s not that he went completely silent for several days or anything.

It looks like people are texting so much today and have very high expectations regarding the frequency. I wouldn’t be able to function under such pressure. Maybe I’m getting old.

Regarding his inability to apologize, as I said, I feel that you both appear to have communication problems.

It’s him making plans and not following through on them. Disrespecting my time and I. 
when we’ve been talking for a month and his behavior is consistent throughout out but only different that day, you take notice. Because it wasn’t just a couple of hours. It was one message only 

I really hope people are reading the whole thing before posting

[blueskies]

1 minute ago, astona said:

It’s him making plans and not following through on them. Disrespecting my time and I. 
when we’ve been talking for a month and his behavior is consistent throughout out but only different that day, you take notice. Because it wasn’t just a couple of hours. It was one message only 

I really hope people are reading the whole thing before posting

He is simply not treating you the way you deserve to be treated IMO. I would take that as your cue to move on.

[astona]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You’ve only known him for one month. You can’t expect to evaluate a relationship as genuine after such a short time. People need to date for a couple of years at least before such an evaluation can be made.

Meanwhile, while you’re getting to know the person who might qualify for a genuine (I assume you mean long-term) relationship, sex is an absolutely essential aspect of the process. Very few men I know would agree to wait indefinitely for sex, and generally dating a virgin isn’t for everyone. Maybe he realized that and began to back off. You should look for someone who is clearly on the same page as you regarding these issues. This can’t be tested within a month.

I was nothing but honest with him through out. 
It’s clear to me now he’s not the best communicator. What happened wasn’t normal, him deflecting blame and not taking accountability all told me a lot about how he handles a conflict. So it could that while he was saying we can go as slow as we want, he didn’t mean it, that’s on him, not on me and my standards. 
the right guy will wait. And a month is very little time to be having sex with someone considering that YOU said a genuine connection can’t be built by then.

[astona]

5 hours ago, Sony12 said:

A lot of times when guys tell gals they are willing to wait they are really just being nice but they don't really mean it. And in the back of their mind they are hoping that the definition of waiting is only going to be a few dates later. Unless both people are wanting to wait equally as much it's good to have a compromise. If intercourse is the main thing you want to wait on find other things that you are ok with. For instance making out, oral sex, letting each other see you naked.......things like that.

It's going to be difficult to find someone who legitimately wants to wait as well. And if you go that route all you are really doing is cutting down on the potential people you could be getting to know.

 

Im incredibly thankful that im the one that has to wait because this rules has made it so easy for me to cut the crap with so many guys. Because men will show the best version of themselves to get whay they want. I withhold what they want and see how they act, 

Usually within two months, in this case one. They act disappears. 
the way i see it is it’s on them for not being communicative and honest with what they want.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/8/2025 at 3:51 PM, astona said:

he said “im a really shitty person, you deserve better “

He knows himself better than you do - you would be wise to believe this. 

It sounds to me like he had a change of heart for whatever reason and was trying to offload you. So, there you have it. You two realized after a month of dating that you are not compatible. You saw things him in you didn't like, and apparently he saw things in you that he didn't like. 

I would just work on letting go. You're not right for each other. 

[astona]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He knows himself better than you do - you would be wise to believe this. 

It sounds to me like he had a change of heart for whatever reason and was trying to offload you. So, there you have it. You two realized after a month of dating that you are not compatible. You saw things him in you didn't like, and apparently he saw things in you that he didn't like. 

I would just work on letting go. You're not right for each other. 

Like i mentioned i did leave him, i was just confused why a guy would do something like this but still want to continue dating. 
if he hadn’t asked me to continue dating i would be like oh he’s pushing me away, but instead he asked me to work on it and give up at the first bump in the road, like what??

[astona]

7 minutes ago, astona said:

Like i mentioned i did leave him, i was just confused why a guy would do something like this but still want to continue dating. 
if he hadn’t asked me to continue dating i would be like oh he’s pushing me away, but instead he asked me to work on it and give up at the first bump in the road, like what??

NOT give up**

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, astona said:

Like i mentioned i did leave him, i was just confused why a guy would do something like this but still want to continue dating. 
 

Company, attention, affection - but it doesn't sound like he was actually after anything more serious than that, in the end. 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, astona said:

It’s him making plans and not following through on them. Disrespecting my time and I. 
when we’ve been talking for a month and his behavior is consistent throughout out but only different that day, you take notice. Because it wasn’t just a couple of hours. It was one message only 

I really hope people are reading the whole thing before posting

I have read the whole thing before posting.

Have you read the whole thing that I wrote?

Because you’re missing my point, again. I’m telling you that there is no way you can expect anything from a person you’ve known for only one month. You talk about consistent behavior - there is no such thing throughout one month. Absolutely anyone can roleplay and manipulate and successfully pretend to be anything within that tiny timeframe.

You make it sound like it’s a big shock and you’re indignant and outraged. If it was your husband of 20 years who suddenly began to confuse dates he’d never confused all that time, then yes, I’d agree that something is off and suspicious. But talking about consistency referring to a person you don’t know at all is naive and unrealistic.

And I still think that your reaction to him not following through on plans regarding a date St. Valentine’s Day is overkill. So what if he got wasted and confused days or forgot what he himself arranged or whatever. It’s not that he didn’t follow through on plans regarding saving a human life or something like that.

The impression I get is this: you have some rather rigid rules concerning how relationships should evolve, down to the smallest detail. For some reason, you expect strangers that you’ve only known for one month to understand and follow your rules strictly and to the core right away. You seem to generate huge expectations in the very beginning of a potential serious relationship, which inevitably result in a disproportionate disappointment and early collapse of relationship at the first smallest hurdle.

Edited Monday at 01:01 AM by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, astona said:

Im incredibly thankful that im the one that has to wait because this rules has made it so easy for me to cut the crap with so many guys. Because men will show the best version of themselves to get whay they want. I withhold what they want and see how they act

Frankly, this sounds offensive. You make broad gender generalizations and talk about men like they are some sort of one-dimensional, singularly wired manipulative creatures.

Yet I feel that a phrase such as “I withhold what they want and see how they act”, in fact, betrays manipulative tendencies. Men aren’t laboratory rats and you aren’t a slice of cheese. I assure you that no decent man would want to be subjected to such a disrespectful test. The moment a man feels this kind of vibe coming from you, he’ll simply leave.

 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, astona said:

And a month is very little time to be having sex with someone considering that YOU said a genuine connection can’t be built by then.

By “genuine connection” I meant what I thought you’d meant - a long-term relationship built on full trust, deep feelings, and well-tested compatibility. Of course it can’t be built within a month. Sometimes it takes years to build it. 

Obviously, sex happens before that. Since sex is one of the essential aspects of romantic relationship, a highly important relationship building block, and an absolutely crucial compatibility component early on, people have sex first, as a natural expression of initial attraction and connection, to build something potentially deeper on that foundation.

 

 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Frankly, this sounds offensive. You make broad gender generalizations and talk about men like they are some sort of one-dimensional, singularly wired manipulative creatures.

Yet I feel that a phrase such as “I withhold what they want and see how they act”, in fact, betrays manipulative tendencies. Men aren’t laboratory rats and you aren’t a slice of cheese. I assure you that no decent man would want to be subjected to such a disrespectful test. The moment a man feels this kind of vibe coming from you, he’ll simply leave.

 

Indeed.  Behaviour like this gives all of us women a bad name for doing s*** tests or playing games

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, astona said:

Im incredibly thankful that im the one that has to wait because this rules has made it so easy for me to cut the crap with so many guys. Because men will show the best version of themselves to get whay they want. I withhold what they want and see how they act, 

And I'll echo the others that this isn't  a very effevtive approach or mature mindset. 

You're leading with fear and control. It's not going to work in the long-run, if this is actually how you view men. It simply indicates you don't have a lot of experience yet and see dating as a power match. 

[astona]

13 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I have read the whole thing before posting.

Have you read the whole thing that I wrote?

Because you’re missing my point, again. I’m telling you that there is no way you can expect anything from a person you’ve known for only one month. You talk about consistent behavior - there is no such thing throughout one month. Absolutely anyone can roleplay and manipulate and successfully pretend to be anything within that tiny timeframe.

You make it sound like it’s a big shock and you’re indignant and outraged. If it was your husband of 20 years who suddenly began to confuse dates he’d never confused all that time, then yes, I’d agree that something is off and suspicious. But talking about consistency referring to a person you don’t know at all is naive and unrealistic.

And I still think that your reaction to him not following through on plans regarding a date St. Valentine’s Day is overkill. So what if he got wasted and confused days or forgot what he himself arranged or whatever. It’s not that he didn’t follow through on plans regarding saving a human life or something like that.

The impression I get is this: you have some rather rigid rules concerning how relationships should evolve, down to the smallest detail. For some reason, you expect strangers that you’ve only known for one month to understand and follow your rules strictly and to the core right away. You seem to generate huge expectations in the very beginning of a potential serious relationship, which inevitably result in a disproportionate disappointment and early collapse of relationship at the first smallest hurdle.

I agree with you that people can manipulate and that a month is not enough to feel like you know a person. That’s a 100% true. 

But i really don’t think it’s outrageous of me to expect to spend valentines day with my so called boyfriend when he was the one to straight up ask me to hang out on that day. 
and i don’t think it’s ridiculous to expect that my time is respected by simply telling me he can’t fo friday anymore, or that he has plans after work. 
and i want to point out agian that trust me if he had told me one of the reaosns you mentioned like missing up the dates or forgetting etc etc. and he apologized like an adult i wouldve kept talking to him. But when we talked in person and i gave him the chance to explain what happened he straight up said “i did the one thing i know you hate” 

and didn’t say that he forgot anything. 
i don’t really care much anymore about the fact it was valentine’s

the way he handled me being upset about something told me a lot about him that i didn’t know before. 

[astona]

13 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Frankly, this sounds offensive. You make broad gender generalizations and talk about men like they are some sort of one-dimensional, singularly wired manipulative creatures.

Yet I feel that a phrase such as “I withhold what they want and see how they act”, in fact, betrays manipulative tendencies. Men aren’t laboratory rats and you aren’t a slice of cheese. I assure you that no decent man would want to be subjected to such a disrespectful test. The moment a man feels this kind of vibe coming from you, he’ll simply leave.

 

It’s not a test, and im not being manipulative, i simply don’t give my body away to someone i dont fully feel safe with, trust, and have strong feelings for. 
But i am saying that me being this way, has made it easier for me to weed out some men that may not have been the best choice for me to have sex with, and that to me is a bonus. 
Me as a woman, i know myself and i get attached through physical touch, sex and foreplay all get me attached so im just careful and proceed with caution. 

 

I don’t think that’s manipulative im just protecting my heart.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, astona said:

But i am saying that me being this way, has made it easier for me to weed out some men that may not have been the best choice for me to have sex with

Not really. Naturally, it’s your life and your right to make your choices, but this is not the best strategy to implement if your goal is really to weed out low quality men.

By putting sex on hold indefinitely and using it as material for reliability test, you don’t actually weed out untrustworthy, unloving, or immature men. You simply weed out men who aren’t interested in a relationship with a woman who approaches sex the way you do.

For example, I’d be turned off by your definition of sex as “giving your body away”. I don’t view a woman’s body as an object that she can “give” to me, even less so as an object I can only “get” if I pass a series of tests and prove myself worthy. I’m not saying that I’m a great catch, but this view of mine has zero to do with my capacity to have serious long-term relationships based on trust and strong feelings. 

[astona]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Not really. Naturally, it’s your life and your right to make your choices, but this is not the best strategy to implement if your goal is really to weed out low quality men.

By putting sex on hold indefinitely and using it as material for reliability test, you don’t actually weed out untrustworthy, unloving, or immature men. You simply weed out men who aren’t interested in a relationship with a woman who approaches sex the way you do.

For example, I’d be turned off by your definition of sex as “giving your body away”. I don’t view a woman’s body as an object that she can “give” to me, even less so as an object I can only “get” if I pass a series of tests and prove myself worthy. I’m not saying that I’m a great catch, but this view of mine has zero to do with my capacity to have serious long-term relationships based on trust and strong feelings. 

here's how I view sex, to me sex is a way to strengthen a relationship as it opens up another window for communication about likes and dislikes, and you can see how a person will make you feel comfortable and safe and vice versa. it is definitely a fundamental part of a relationship, but it shouldn't come before making sure you both have respect for each other, have the same values and beliefs and communication. 

in my case I didn't take that step with him because while I felt safe and comfortable with him, and I respected him, I wasn't sure if he did as well, we had similar values, and are both christian, and we both thought of sex highly. I don't know if he lied about that be he had told me he lost his virginity at 20 because while he had the chance to before 20, he didn't want to because he doesn't think of sex that lightly. so I'd like to think he understood where I was coming from. 

I'm not testing anyone, I'm simply setting a boundary. it would be manipulative if let's say I wasn't a virgin and I was actually testing them to see if they would wait. but I'm a virgin, by choice, I set this boundary early on because I don't like leading people on, and I don't take that step that fast because other things are more important to me. 

[blueskies]

4 minutes ago, astona said:

here's how I view sex, to me sex is a way to strengthen a relationship as it opens up another window for communication about likes and dislikes, and you can see how a person will make you feel comfortable and safe and vice versa. it is definitely a fundamental part of a relationship, but it shouldn't come before making sure you both have respect for each other, have the same values and beliefs and communication. 

in my case I didn't take that step with him because while I felt safe and comfortable with him, and I respected him, I wasn't sure if he did as well, we had similar values, and are both christian, and we both thought of sex highly. I don't know if he lied about that be he had told me he lost his virginity at 20 because while he had the chance to before 20, he didn't want to because he doesn't think of sex that lightly. so I'd like to think he understood where I was coming from. 

I'm not testing anyone, I'm simply setting a boundary. it would be manipulative if let's say I wasn't a virgin and I was actually testing them to see if they would wait. but I'm a virgin, by choice, I set this boundary early on because I don't like leading people on, and I don't take that step that fast because other things are more important to me. 

You don’t have to explain your values to anyone. You should what you are most comfortable with and what makes you the happiest 

[astona]

11 minutes ago, blueskies said:

You don’t have to explain your values to anyone. You should what you are most comfortable with and what makes you the happiest 

thank you so much by the way cause I'm spiraling over here, I made the post to understand the guy's actions and I'm here questioning my life instead

[blueskies]

1 hour ago, astona said:

thank you so much by the way cause I'm spiraling over here, I made the post to understand the guy's actions and I'm here questioning my life instead

I don’t think that his actions or inaction should cause you to “spiral” at all. I don’t see where you caused any of his change of heart. 😊

[basil67]

8 hours ago, astona said:

It’s not a test, and im not being manipulative, i simply don’t give my body away to someone i dont fully feel safe with

But this isn't what you said:  You said that you "I withhold what they want and see how they act".  

Not having sex with someone you don't feel fully safe with is basic self respect.   But withholding what a guy wants (whatever that may be) to see how they act is manipulative.   The two statements aren't remotely the same thing.

[astona]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But this isn't what you said:  You said that you "I withhold what they want and see how they act".  

Not having sex with someone you don't feel fully safe with is basic self respect.   But withholding what a guy wants (whatever that may be) to see how they act is manipulative.   The two statements aren't remotely the same thing.

I could’ve chosen my words more carefully i will admit that. They key word there is “and” 

not “to”

i could’ve said “i withold what they want TO see how they act”. But my point stays that im not manipulating. I genuinely don’t want to have sex at the beginnings of dating, otherwise i wouldn’t be a virgin. 

but as a bonus it allows me to see how the guy im talking to will take that information. 
Actions can serve more than just one purpose lol. I don’t see what’s wrong for checking if the only reason a guy is talking to you for is sex, while also protecting my integrity, Like that’s unheard of.  

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, astona said:

here's how I view sex, to me sex is a way to strengthen a relationship as it opens up another window for communication about likes and dislikes, and you can see how a person will make you feel comfortable and safe and vice versa. it is definitely a fundamental part of a relationship, but it shouldn't come before making sure you both have respect for each other, have the same values and beliefs and communication. 

in my case I didn't take that step with him because while I felt safe and comfortable with him, and I respected him, I wasn't sure if he did as well, we had similar values, and are both christian, and we both thought of sex highly. I don't know if he lied about that be he had told me he lost his virginity at 20 because while he had the chance to before 20, he didn't want to because he doesn't think of sex that lightly. so I'd like to think he understood where I was coming from. 

I'm not testing anyone, I'm simply setting a boundary. it would be manipulative if let's say I wasn't a virgin and I was actually testing them to see if they would wait. but I'm a virgin, by choice, I set this boundary early on because I don't like leading people on, and I don't take that step that fast because other things are more important to me. 

I think you’ve misunderstood what I was trying to say, or maybe I wasn’t expressing my thought clearly. I wasn’t attacking your views of sex, so you don’t have to explain them. My remark was merely a response to your statement that you weed out men who “only want sex”, the “bad guys”, by withholding sex from them. In reality, you don’t.

Plenty of “good guys” will be weeded out simply because they don’t want to be subjected to such test. And plenty of “bad guys” won’t be weeded out. What would prevent a “bad guy” from waiting till you have enough trust in him, have sex with you, and then dump you? He could be having sex on the side with someone else all this time.

Your mistake is that you confuse serious intentions (relationship, deep feelings, trust) with abstinence (even partial) from sex. You seem to think that remaining a virgin for as long as possible and then agreeing to delay sex within a relationship is an indicator of a “high” view of sex and ability to commit to a person. In reality, there is no correlation.

I know men who haven’t had much sex simply because they were too shy, or unattractive, or borderline asexual, or gave off bad and weird vibes early on so that women didn’t want to sleep with them. Their actual views of the meaning of sex were absolutely irrelevant. In some cases, in fact, they turned out to be deeply offensive to women, and when the real tests came, the guys revealed themselves as being genuinely bad relationship material.

I also know men who’ve had a lot of sex with many different women, dismiss the idea of waiting for sex by way of testing serious intentions, yet are perfectly capable of having a committed long-term relationship with a partner they love and respect.

 

[Alpacalia]

Hmmm.

Well, he did try to make plans with you multiple times, and you were busy with school. But here’s where things get messy: communication. If he was genuinely trying to see you, he could’ve followed up more clearly, especially when it came to locking down a time for Valentine’s Day. Instead, he left you hanging, and that’s not cool.

He’s told you how special your connection is, he’s introduced you to his friends (even if it’s just through food pics), and he’s been respectful of your boundaries. That’s all great. But here’s the thing: caring about someone isn’t enough if they can’t show up for you when it matters. And on Valentine’s Day? He didn’t show up—literally or emotionally. Getting intoxicated and blowing off your plans without so much as a heads-up is just plain inconsiderate. And his response afterward? Defensive, dismissive, and full of excuses. Not a good look.

Here’s the kicker: when you called him out, he didn’t apologize. Instead, he hit you with the classic “I’m a shitty person, you deserve better” line. Let’s be real—that’s not accountability. That’s him trying to make you feel bad for his actions. And then he doubled down by suggesting you “get bored easily” and “just want to have fun.” Ouch. That’s not just deflection—it’s manipulation. He’s trying to turn the tables and make you question yourself instead of owning up to his mistakes.

So, what’s going on in his head? Honestly, it sounds like he’s scared. Scared of the connection moving too fast, scared of long-distance, scared of not being enough for you. But instead of dealing with those fears in a mature way, he’s acting out—getting drunk, blowing off plans, and then deflecting when you call him on it. It’s not malicious, but it is immature. 

[blueskies]

On 3/9/2025 at 1:49 PM, astona said:

Like i mentioned i did leave him, i was just confused why a guy would do something like this but still want to continue dating. 
if he hadn’t asked me to continue dating i would be like oh he’s pushing me away, but instead he asked me to work on it and give up at the first bump in the road, like what??

His inconsistent actions are not appealing in the slightest.