How to avoid problems and start a relationship

[Lamron300]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

If a date has an 'interview' feel, then it's already going to fail.   A date isn't about checking boxes, it's about finding if the two of you 'click' personality wise.   For example, is the conversation enthusiastic?  Do the two of you bounce seamlessly from topic to topic?  Is the eye contact suggestive?  Do you both flirt?   Do the two of you want to set up another date really soon?   This is what a good date is like

I've certainly gone on dates which vibed really well and couldn't wait to see each other again.   It will happen with the person who is right for you.  But as it never happens for you, then a bit of reflection would be wise.   

 

It happens many times for me, but as I said to Fred, my bad dates aren’t different in content to the great dates. I never been on a date with awkward silence or nothing to talk about. Most dates I go on are 3 hours in length, drink or dinner. For example I recently went on two dates, one said no romantic connection, the other said date was nice and wanted a second date. What is amusing is I found the second date boring and the one who said no connection I thought it was a good first date. I’m finding dating online incompatible with my belief systems and the way I am. As I said above, I have met a lot of women that I feel it’s a tick box exercise. I am trying to only go on dates with people who I feel are enthusiastic about the date. If you’re in a position you don’t know what you want from dating, or are dating other people and just keeping options open or in some extreme cases I’ve talked to people in last ten years who are now married to women.. then obviously you won’t find a ‘romantic connection’.

What I am trying to say to you is, apart from some light flirting and just decent conversation about various topics, what can be expected from a first date? And I think that’s my problem. Most dates I’ve been on I’ve been willing to give at least a second date as I see dating different to other people. I don’t understand this I need to feel a magic spark on day 1 over dinner with this stranger or else everything is bad. 

[Lamron300]

20 hours ago, basil67 said:

And when you don't enjoy the process, you've already failed.

@Lamron300  What are your options for meeting women in a more organic way?   How often do you go out with friends to social situations?  Or if you have a limited friend group, what about joining a local social group from somewhere like MeetUp and get yourself out and having fun.   

(Note: social groups are for expanding your friend group and doing fun things. They are not for dating.  When you get a bigger social group, you'll go to social situations more often and get to meet women organically}

@basil67This is great advice. I signed up to meetup a while ago and haven’t gone to many. My problem in the past is I have regretfully had partners who have lived with me and then I haven’t still made time to make new social connections or when not in a relationship I’ve spent time only looking for romantic relationships. I complain about OLD a lot yet haven’t done much to change my approach. People can meet online but it takes a certain kind of person. For example, all of a sudden I’m getting many matches (5/6 a day). I can only imagine women will be getting a lot more. Except someone has the mentality that they are laser focused and just don’t want to chat for the sake of it or waste peoples time, people can just use these apps for validation. I use hinge and there is an option to put ‘figuring out my dating goals’ like what does that even mean? For me there is two categories, relationship or something causal. Even if you say ‘go with the flow’ that’s still heading towards a relationship or not. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Except someone has the mentality that they are laser focused and just don’t want to chat for the sake of it or waste peoples time, people can just use these apps for validation.

Yeah, both of these are bad options.  The former will be too intense and the latter is a time waster.  As in most of life, mid way is probably the right place.  

But just between us, from the way you write, you do appear to have a bit of the laser focus going on, and it's definitely working against you

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Very good advice. I understand what you mean I need to go with the flow instead of being scared about what may happen, just take each thing as different. But also, as I said.. going back to the very beginning how do you know someone wants to go on a date with you? If you’re a nice polite guy, they may just say yes ‘what’s the harm’, but that’s going to go nowhere. A date is a vehicle to a romantic relationship. When I got rid of lust, I realised how boring and incompatible some people are. I am a good conversationalist and can expand on most topics. You get a lot of people these days that do one word answers, don’t ask questions or ignore questions. I standby it and say I have never felt a romantic connection on a first date. Of course a quick drink or meal wouldn’t really reveal anything, but as you said if you went to watch the sunset after, got more relaxed then you may feel something different. I used to think there were magic words to say, but I’ve realised all the good dates I’ve gone on which have ended up in something haven’t been different in content to the bad dates. 
 

And in terms of mental health, I mean a woman matched me, started a conversation. Then went straight to sending me voice notes about how she’s taking on a job that she needs to quit as it’s too far , her mum just got rushed to emergency room and needs urgent treatment (this was within first threee messages) didn’t ask me anything back and if your mum is emergency room very sick why are you on a dating app messaging me? I stopped responding .

I get you. I feel I'm in a similar place. I was a bit selfish when I was younger and new to dating, as I was mostly in it for a sense of fun and an ego boost from a sense of sexual conquest. I never lied to anyone but I used to just avoid saying what I was looking for until it petered out.

Then I realised not being straight with your intentions isn't too much better than being dishonest, so if I was looking for casual I'd make sure to say it early on, but I found then that even if the girl I was dating said she was on the same page, feelings would inevitably get involved and things would get complicated sooner or later.

I don't think I'm really a guy who could do some kind of "booty call" relationship, and I don't want to get involved in another FWB situation which isn't a great use of either of our time, but I've found that it's hard to find that same sense of fun when you're two people "looking for something serious".

I don't think it's entirely possible to know if a girl is really interested in getting to know you or if it's a "sure why not" kind of meeting in the initial stages, you only find out as things progress. The key thing I need to work on personally which I feel you may as well is just trying to enjoy the moment and not getting into your head and judging how she's acting or what the relationship is or isn't turning into. If she's jumping ahead or looking at you with some kind of checklist in mind I guess you can't really control that, but I guess if you're more present and not doing that yourself in turn you'll end up meeting women who are on the same frequency as you.

In terms of what you said there in the end, I've come across a fair bit of that as well but I think you just have to chalk that down, move on quickly and pay it no mind. There are plenty of individuals out there who seem to really want a therapist rather than a partner. If someone starts complaining all the time about their horrible job or back pain etc and doesn't seem particularly enthused to see you that would turn me right off as well. The important thing there imo is to just wish them well and let go of that particular interaction, because clearly there isn't much to do, say, or analyse.

[Lamron300]

31 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I get you. I feel I'm in a similar place. I was a bit selfish when I was younger and new to dating, as I was mostly in it for a sense of fun and an ego boost from a sense of sexual conquest. I never lied to anyone but I used to just avoid saying what I was looking for until it petered out.

Then I realised not being straight with your intentions isn't too much better than being dishonest, so if I was looking for casual I'd make sure to say it early on, but I found then that even if the girl I was dating said she was on the same page, feelings would inevitably get involved and things would get complicated sooner or later.

I don't think I'm really a guy who could do some kind of "booty call" relationship, and I don't want to get involved in another FWB situation which isn't a great use of either of our time, but I've found that it's hard to find that same sense of fun when you're two people "looking for something serious".

I don't think it's entirely possible to know if a girl is really interested in getting to know you or if it's a "sure why not" kind of meeting in the initial stages, you only find out as things progress. The key thing I need to work on personally which I feel you may as well is just trying to enjoy the moment and not getting into your head and judging how she's acting or what the relationship is or isn't turning into. If she's jumping ahead or looking at you with some kind of checklist in mind I guess you can't really control that, but I guess if you're more present and not doing that yourself in turn you'll end up meeting women who are on the same frequency as you.

In terms of what you said there in the end, I've come across a fair bit of that as well but I think you just have to chalk that down, move on quickly and pay it no mind. There are plenty of individuals out there who seem to really want a therapist rather than a partner. If someone starts complaining all the time about their horrible job or back pain etc and doesn't seem particularly enthused to see you that would turn me right off as well. The important thing there imo is to just wish them well and let go of that particular interaction, because clearly there isn't much to do, say, or analyse.

I agree with this. I find the thrill of meeting someone who lives close to me and open for something easy going and causal exciting. Someone set on a relationship (maybe sometimes as they’re bored of casual) isn’t as exciting and can be quite tick box in nature. For example, I’m speaking to a woman that I first met in 2020, for one reason or another we haven’t been able to get momentum although there is chemistry. First time I went on two dates with her, then I met my ex who at the time I thought would be more suitable. We reconnected in 2024 and went on a further two dates, she then had a surgery and our talking went slow. Reconnected again this week after seeing her on a dating app. She said to me on WhatsApp, let’s talk long term, what are you looking for in a relationship? I didn’t like this as I feel how can I promise anything? It feels like people putting pressure on when they say that, say what I want or go away. We could end up in a relationship if things go good, we may end up horrible or things fizzle out. What is the point of that question?  She asked me if I think I have the time/effort for a relationship?!

I also shoot myself in the foot by doing things I say I don’t want. For example, 3 weeks ago I went out with a woman with a child. I never date women with children anymore as it always backfires or is too complicated. Anyway I found the date boring but asked her out again and she said yes. After speaking more on WhatsApp I just found it too hard to gain momentum, I lost my phone for two days and she messaged me many times asking if I was ghosting. This is the same person who takes 6/7 hours to reply! Anyway, she is only available every 3/4 weeks to meet due to her kid. That’s not something which I want or I am compatible especially as she said she wants something serious. Not many men will wait 3/4 weeks to meet someone. I waste too much of my time and other peoples time by even entertaining things which are a no go for me; then wonder why I’m in my situation. 

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

She said to me on WhatsApp, let’s talk long term, what are you looking for in a relationship? I didn’t like this as I feel how can I promise anything? It feels like people putting pressure on when they say that, say what I want or go away.

You've got this very wrong.  This is a generic question to figure out if your goals are sufficiently aligned to warrant further dating.  She's not asking you to promise anything.  There is zero pressure on you.   

42 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

She asked me if I think I have the time/effort for a relationship

This is a very good question.   She simply wants to know that the way you do relationships is compatible with her.   If you're a workaholic or are too busy at the gym or friends to meet up frequently, this is the time to disclose it.   Likewise, if you love long lazy weekends together and catching up on weeknights, then it could work well

[Lamron300]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

You've got this very wrong.  This is a generic question to figure out if your goals are sufficiently aligned to warrant further dating.  She's not asking you to promise anything.  There is zero pressure on you.   

This is a very good question.   She simply wants to know that the way you do relationships is compatible with her.   If you're a workaholic or are too busy at the gym or friends to meet up frequently, this is the time to disclose it.   Likewise, if you love long lazy weekends together and catching up on weeknights, then it could work well

She isn’t someone new to me, we’ve known each other for 5 years. I felt pressure from the question due to being in 30s, seemed more than the standard, what are you looking for? I told her in response I’m ready for a relationship and not too busy. I remember a date I went on with her last year, I told her I was with my ex for 1.5 years, and she was like woah?? And you didn’t get married?. I’m thinking how is 1.5 years that long of a time, especially when we were incompatible from the beginning. 

In my head, it’s a nice story. I should have dated her in 2020 instead of my ex, in 2024 we should’ve gone on more dates than we did. I just want to make sure I’m not being nostalgic and actually see it for what things are. 
 

The big issue I am having now is I know it is possible to meet people, but I want everything to be right and I don’t know when I’ll get that lightbulb moment. I’ve met some people with great personalities; however, attraction has been lacking and vice versa. If I want kids and to settle down I can’t be going for short term or causal, but at same time need to go with the flow in life. It’s hard. This is why meetups as you suggested is good as I could just have fun making mates, would be good and what happens happens. 

Edited April 9 by Lamron300
Added info

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I felt pressure from the question due to being in 30s, seemed more than the standard, what are you looking for? I told her in response I’m ready for a relationship and not too busy.

Oh for heavens sake, she didn't want to know what you want with HER long term.  She wanted to know in general. Things such a kids, or buying a house, have you considered what retirement might look like?   And then because you felt her question was incorrect, you didn't even answer it.  

Reading your threads over the years, I feel like you have a high degree of rigid thinking, and this shows itself in the way you interact with others....and in how you interpret their behaviour. If they don't say what you're expecting, then you think they are wrong.   This is underscored by many of us offering different perspectivesto you, but you've rejected them all because it doesn't fit the plan you've made.  I have no doubt that this rigidity would be a biggest contributor to why you're still single.   

Have you ever worked with a psychologist?  Do you have any diagnosis?   I only ask because better understanding of ourselves can change the way we approach others. 

Edited April 9 by basil67

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Oh for heavens sake, she didn't want to know what you want with HER long term.  She wanted to know in general. Things such a kids, or buying a house, have you considered what retirement might look like?   And then because you felt her question was incorrect, you didn't even answer it.  

Reading your threads over the years, I feel like you have a high degree of rigid thinking, and this shows itself in the way you interact with others....and in how you interpret their behaviour. If they don't say what you're expecting, then you think they are wrong.   This is underscored by many of us offering different perspectivesto you, but you've rejected them all because it doesn't fit the plan you've made.  I have no doubt that this rigidity would be a biggest contributor to why you're still single.   

Have you ever worked with a psychologist?  Do you have any diagnosis?   I only ask because better understanding of ourselves can change the way we approach others. 

I’m not single because I can’t find people, I’m only looking for the right person. For example, just as I type this, a woman I’ve been going back and forth with over many messages for days just revealed to me she has a kid and said (not sure when it’s right time to disclose this). I don’t want to date someone with a kid for obvious reasons. We have been talking and I’m bored of talking online as only in person meeting counts. When someone has a kid, rightfully, they can’t just spontaneously meet. There is also other baggage associated. I’ve probably talked to around 4/5 women with kids in my dating life and every time it was a nightmare to meet etc. Why would she be clandestine with it and only travel after a few days? On Hinge there is literally a section for if you have/wants kids.

Sorry I’m going on a tangent. What I am trying to say to you is, I’m a young man who isn’t judgemental in general, but I keep reminding myself I am not looking for a friend, but a relationship. I can complain about wasting my time or I can heed warnings and live with it. I pay very close attention to what people say. 

[Acacia98]

On 4/9/2025 at 12:49 AM, Lamron300 said:

I waste too much of my time and other peoples time by even entertaining things which are a no go for me; then wonder why I’m in my situation. 

Have you ever considered the possibility that there's a part of you that doesn't want to settle down with someone?

In my experience, when one dates actively (because they want to meet Mr or Ms Right) but keeps making time for completely unsuitable people, it sometimes means that he/she is ambivalent about settling down (deep down inside).