I am beyond devastated...

[Sami_D]

Hello DW. I haven't read the thread yet, but I just wanted to reply to your OP. What is coming through there is you blaming yourself for ruining things 'at the last moment' when it was so close.

 

Well, don't do that. Maybe going to the warehouse was the best thing that could have happened... you forced him to show his true colours and his true intentions. And you've seen the result. When push came to shove, he showed himself to be the weak liar that he is.

 

As for his blaming you for ruining the relationship with your outbursts and so on. What a load of ****. HE is the one who has behaved totally badly in all this. HE is the one who kept you hanging on, kept lying to you and to his wife. NO wonder you were at your wits end. He sounds completely lacking in any understanding of what HE was doing to YOU.

 

You are completely entitled to your emotions. Being in such a powerless position IS really hard (I KNOW). If he couldn't deal with what was happening to you because of HIS behaviour... then tough for him. Don't feel bad about yourself and what you did. It might all have been for the best (even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment).

[Sami_D]

I don't understand. Is it really my fault that I ruined things?

 

No. And he's a jackass for telling you that it's your fault. What a coward. Did you really want a relationship with someone where you had to contain how you felt just so he didn't get upset..? I don't care that what you might have done was 'extreme'... you were in an extreme situation. He was totally lacking in understanding and tried to shift everything to you. That's not nice.

 

But I don't trust him... when he tells me he will file for divorce in two months... I just can't bring myself to believe it. So everytime I would see him... I would question him about it nonstop and drive him up the wall.

 

In my opinion he wasn't going to file in two months. Why leave it two months. He told his W... why the delay..? So he could keep both of you guessing..? The fact he jumped straight to her side when the **** hit the fan says it all. He wasn't ready to leave.

 

I would put my MM through so much stress... he ended up in the hopsital.

 

Well poor him. What about all the stress you were going through? HE was the one with the power to change things and he didn't... HIS stress came from his own actions.

 

he told he he WAS 100% goig to file for divorce to be with me... but NEVER after this. NEVER and that I have nobody toblame but myself.

 

Nice. I'd tell him I would never want to be with such a selfish j***.

[Sami_D]

He warned me to please stay calm because I'm ruining the relationship and that I can't expect things to ever change when I treat him like this.

 

It is NOT all your fault. I could go through this entire thread picking out things you've said about him and what happened which just make me shake my head... HE had the power to change it all and make things happen and HE didn't.

 

And now he's trying to blame YOU???? Ha ha ha ha.

 

You're SO well rid of him. Really.

[Sami_D]

... what if he really doesn't understand the level of pain I'm in and that the way I react towards him isn't really who I am?

 

It's NOT who I really am... but what if he really doesn't understand this and thinks I really am someone whose unstable and "can't control their emotions"? I know this is what he thinks... if he really thinks that I can see... with his bad anxiety and health problems why he'd be afraid to be with someone like that?

 

If he doesn't understand the level of pain, anxiety and fear you were suffering because of what HE was doing, then that says something about HIM.

 

What you're doing is concentrating on your actions, which were a completely natural reaction to the situation. Look, your GUT was telling you something... you knew, somewhere inside, that he wasn't going to follow through. Whether you actually believe that yourself consciously is irrelevant. Your gut was telling you something, and so you were questioning him. That's not crazy. That's good sense.

 

What about him...? He was lying to you. Now he's lying to his wife. And she's denying what's right in her face. They're the ones in trouble, and you're best off out of it. Honestly. That man would just have made your life a complete misery. WHO wants to be walking on eggshells just so you don't upset someone with 'bad nerves'? What a convenient excuse for manipulating someone that is.

 

And he's already manipulated you long enough. And now (and this is even making ME angry!) NOW he's telling you it's all your fault. Don't believe that. He was completely in charge of this and he messed up. And then tried to blame you. He's trash. Honestly.

[Sami_D]

What else hurts his that his wife thinks I'm crazy...

 

Not only that but when I told her everything on the phone a month ago I told her I have conversation phone tapes of me and MM as proof. I had SIX tapes. But remember she didn't want the tapes back then when I insisted on giving it to her as proof. Today she told me if I'm telling her the truth to go ahead and send her those tapes as proof... BUT I let my MM destroy those tapes a couple of weeks ago

 

She's just putting her head in the sand so she can continue to have a relationship with him. Don't worry about her reaction, that is pretty usual.

 

And those tapes. So, after you told his W about them he talked you into destroying the only evidence you had of the R. Very sneaky. And you still think he was going to leave..? Unlikely.

[Sami_D]

Sorry for repeating this so many times

 

You repeat it as many times as you need to. Venting is good. And you need to get it all out.

 

He has told me several times and in fact insisted that I go to a therapist because he thinks I'm unstable... I'm immature and unstable...

 

GRRRRRRR.

 

You had a lucky escape.

[Sami_D]

I don't know... he even showed me the bill... he payed his attroney tons of money about 3 weeks ago actually. He was actively prepring to file for divorce. I mean he was DEAD serious.

 

But if he was so serious just a few dasy ago... and now all of a sudden this last blow up caused hiom to end it with me. I mean... picture this... it was so bad it casued him to be hospitalized. At the warehouse he was yelling at me that I have no compassion for him and don't I see what I've been doing to him and that I'm destroying everyting inlcuding making him ill (healthwise). That this was a big wakeup call to him that finally made him realize I really am hopeless and unstable and thinks this is who I really am. Even though it's not who I am though... he doens't realize this..

 

IF he was going to divorce, why did he feel the need to lie to his wife? To leave you lying on the floor of his warehouse while she called the police? To totally deny ever having a relationship with you? To get those tapes off you and destroy them so you had no proof? To make you feel that this entire thing is YOUR fault?

[Sami_D]

What I'm having great difficulty with right now is... how can you guys be so sure he wouldn't have divorced? Because MANY MM do eventually divorce even in long drawn out affairs. I've seen it happen before. Even if it's only 3% that's a lot of men..

 

Even if he had divorced... he's still treated you badly already. He has called you immature (apart from everything else), which makes me laugh. He's a lot older than you and has no understanding or compassion, and he's in the habit of blaming other people for his own predicament and lying and conniving to keep the status quo.

 

Would you really want him after finding all that out..?

[Sami_D]

Yesterday at the warehouse he even called me a b*tch for the first time ever. That how could I have treated him like this, how can I be so incredibly inconsiderate of him... that why can't I see that I sent him to the hospital.... He is scum.

 

He's selfish scum

[Sami_D]

Enough of this. The best advice that could be given to you is not, "Oh, you poor thing what a scum he was", but to turn that critical eye inward. You have got to take this opportunity--and all failures are opportunities when seized the right way--to take a cold hard look at your motivations, your insecurities, your unresolved personal problems, and your waffling esteem to ask yourself WHY you put up with this situation for so long (4 years has it been?) and WHY you allowed yourself such a self-loathing breakdown in front of him, his wife, the people at his company.

 

This is absolutely the right thing to do.

 

But at the moment she has to deal with the present shock, and start looking at the situation with different eyes. I think she's been blaming herself for things far too much, and he's been encouraging her to do that. Time to look at him differently while she gets over what's happened... and then the self-help work can start.

[Sami_D]

I want to try to restore those tapes as evidence. On those tapes it clearly PROVES he was having an affair and having sex with me. Wow, if his wife ONLY knew the REAL truth. All I can say is WOW. She has NO idea.

 

 

I think she probably does have an idea. She's just choosing not to think about it. Or she might be giving him hell at home. Who knows.

 

If you manage to retrieve the tapes and send them to her it won't make any difference to what happens between you and MM. It might make you feel better for a while to 'prove' to her that you weren't lying. But she will find some way to deal with that and you'll still feel bad about everything that happened. In the long term you still have to get over this shock and start rebuilding your life.

[Sami_D]

Someone from a private number just called my house... and hung up when I answered. I know this was his wife. She called me before form a private number last week and hung up on me before. I know this was his wife as the first time it happened last week when I got a call from a private number I picked up the phone but didn't answer... so she repeatedly said "hello, hello". I recognized her voice when she called me last week from a private number but I just waited until she hung up and didn't say anything into the phone. Why would she call me on a private number and then hang up when I answer? I'm positive it was his wife again.

 

Anybody have any idea? It's so strange. Now I'm very nervous, I hope his wife isn't after me. My heart just started beating when I got this call just now and hung up on. Why would his wife do that?

 

She's checking out his story. Probably going through all his calls and seeing what he's been up to. Sounds like he's not going to have an easy ride of things at home.

[Sami_D]

It's about 10 p.m right now. I can't make myself get to bed. I feel so horrible and so alone. I'm in so much pain. How long in general does it take for someone to get over something like this? Months an entire year? I'm very worried because I had gone NC with MM before for about 3 or 4 months and even after all that time I still felt awful... or actually worse as more time passed.

 

Evenings are brutal. I wish I had some man to hold me at night and comfort me right now. I don't know if that sounds silly or whatnot? I feel so abandoned and left out in the cold.

 

Well you're still in shock and blaming yourself. How long it takes to get over it..? That very much depends on how you mentally approach the situation. If you can start thinking straight about this, it could take a short while to get over HIM. How are you thinking about it today..? Do you still think it was all your fault..? What's going through your mind regarding retrieving those files..?

 

Your priority should be getting over this. Not looking back.

[newbby]

a good bunch of posts sami d, i agree.

[helena abadi]

DW, what worries me is your simple statement that he was all you had. it sounds as if you were heavily dependent on him as your primary source of emotional nourishment. dependency makes people overlook warning signs that all is not as it seems.

 

the situation is shocking, and you need to get some support from either a professional source or from someone trusted that you already know.

 

in the course of this relationship, you may have alienated yourself from others you were previously close to. it is time to connect with them again. if you don't have a support network, then professional help is necessary.

 

obviously the situation is not resolved, but for your own sanity, don't carry it alone, or even use this forum as your main support.

[Quick_Question]

Wonder if I should have reached that conclusion about all women, since my wife was the one who cheated on me??

 

OK...a little confused here. I know that you've said that your relationship with him was absolutely platonic until you were 22, and that nothing happened between you two until you were an adult.

 

But...you keep saying that he's been your best friend for 13 years. That means he's been your best friend since you were 11. Does that strike anyone else around here as just a wee out of norm? How many 11 year old girls have a best friend (or close friend, or anything more than a general acquaintance) with a man who would have been 33 at the time?

 

Not sure I'm tracking this correctly, but this just doesn't add up to me.

 

I'm sorry Dw, but I have to also ask where were your parents when this friendship with a 33 y/o man at the time started to develop? You were about 13 yourself at the time?

[DepressedWaiting]

Sami D, thanks for all your responses. It is appreciated. I agree with everything you're saying but I'm having great difficulty dealing with something.

 

I just posted a response... it was way too long so I deleted it. I have to go to the dentist so I don;t have time to re-post but I will repost something when I get back in a couple of hours. I'm having GREAT difficulty with something. I'll post what it is when I get back.

[crzyblndstar]

DW,

 

I am not going to give you any advice b/c I don't have any that everyone else hasn't already given you. I have a question though. You said that he had to take care of something with his lawyer before he could file for a divorce. How do you know that the $3,000 that he paid wasn't for that other situation and that he was just lying to you to make you think that he was going to get a divorce? Just think about it. Also, you keep repeating yourself that it is all your fault that this happened. Quit, regreting what happened. It has happened and there is nothing that you can do about it now. I know that you are hurting right now but it will get easier. Just quit feeling bad about something that you can't do anything about. There is no point in regreting something that you can't change. This has all happened for a reason. You can now get on with your life, with someone who wants only you and no one else. You can have someone who thinks that you and only you are the greatest thing in the world. You are still young and you have a new and better life ahead of you. Just a few things to think about.

[DepressedWaiting]

I just got back from the dentist. I;ve been walking around in a complete daze the past couple of dasy.

 

Here is what I'm having EXTREME difficulties with. I KNOW that I 100% pushed him away... I know 100% that NOW he REALLY thinks I'm an unstable person who cannot control their emotions and that I need "help" or to see a therapist. He 100% FEARS me now and thinks we are NOT compatible because of this and that I detroyed our relationship. My behavior towards him this past week WAS psycho and completely out of control. If anyone saw how I was... they would also think the same. I scared the heck out of him, this was the last straw for him. I DID harrass him on friday when I had a nervouse breakdown. He 100% does NOT realize I was like this ONLY because of the situation... it just went on too long adn was making me worse and worse. He 100% thinks that regardless of this situation... it was WRONG the way I reacted towards him constantly.

 

Last week on wednesday he came over... I proceeded to interrogate the HECK out of him for 3 hours NONSTOP his entire visit. He become so distrought from all the interrgoation he had to cup his ears with his hands and started shaking... begging me to please stop. That when I am treating like this he just locks up... has panic attacks... and that I am accomplishing nothing excpet for destroying our relationship. He left so distrough that day he had to cancel his meeting with his client and take his anxiety medication.

 

The very next day he called me very upset about what transpired and they way I gave him complete h*ll. He wanted to come over and calm me down and comfort me but made me PROMISE him that I would take it easy on him and NOT ask any questions and NO interrogation because he cannot handle another round of what happened the day before. He was already dealing with a major problem at work and was way to stressed to be able to handle another fight with me for hours. So I promised him I would take it easy on him... he asked if I was sure I would remain calm... I PROMISED him that yes I would take it easy. He then thanks me for undertsanding and promising to take it easy on him...

 

So he comes over and after about an hour into the visit as he's holding me on the couch laying down with me... even though I PROMISED him I would take it easy and not interrogate him that day I start asking him questions anyway. He then gets VERY upset and VERY hurt... that why on earth would I promise to NOT interrogate him and then break my trust and do it anyway... he told me before he came over he CANNOT deal with this interrogation that day because he was already very stressed out over a business client problem and asked me nicely to PLEASE let it rest for once for at least one day. But I didn't let it rest... it escalated into a huge fight because he refused to answer a sinlge question I had. He already answered all my questions the day before... and here I am the very next day when I PROMISED him that I would NOt interrogate him... and what did I do? I went back on my word interrgoated the heck out of him... hebrefused to answer a sinlge question I had... he got EXTREMELY upset.

 

I mean he was FURIOUS with me (never saw him this mad before) and he was VERY hurt... that I broke my trust.. that I am relentless and ruining the relationship... that I can't treat somebody like this and expect them to ever want to be with me and that I need to get a hold of msyelf. This escalated into a HUGE fight... he then told me it's over... that he's done with me and that I'm hopeless and that he should have known better.

 

Hearing him say those words (it's over, I'm done with you)... sent me into panic mode like you wouldn't believe. I didn't know if he really meant it or not... so I switched into sever panic and lost it completely.

 

In friday he was in a meeting with clients the entire day and could not talk on his phone... he cannot shut his cell of either because he has to have it on for his clients... I proceeded to flip ut and called him on his cell NONSTOP the ENTIRE day. I must ahve called him 100 times in a row. NOT joking... I harrassed the heck out of him because everytime he would answer he would slam the phone ony m face and get angrier and angrier. The angrier he got the WORSE my pain would become and the more I dug myself into a hole of destruction and the more I kept calling him back nonstop over and over again. I harrassed the heck out of him that day like you wouldn't believe. He yelled at me... this is his POINT he's been trying to make. My behavior is immature and I can't control my emotions otherwise I would NOT be acting this way and I could have waited until monday and he would have called me then. But now... after this episode of me calling him 100 times that single day and harrassing him it's over he yelled.

 

I just spiraled out of control and into destruction mode. I had a nervous breakdown... my heart was racing... I was lightheaded... everything started to go black.

 

After I called him nonstop and fighting with him the ENTIRE day over the phone... he had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. While he was in the hospital I left 25 irrational distourgh voicemails on his cell. His wife got the voicemails by accident. Showed them to my MM... at this point as MM is sitting in the hospital he was FURIOUS with me like you wouldn't believe and VERY distrought and in disbelieve of mybehior and him needing to be hospitalized. He saw the opportunity to turn on me and took it. He had the evidence he needed... my voicemails and the phone records for that day.

 

THIS was the LAST straw. In his mind he was done with me for good and it's over. A few hours after he got out of the hospital I was so desperate to talk to him and smooth things over and try to explain to him why I'm going CRAZY and that this isn't really who I am... that I was STUPID enough to drive his his warehouse. He still had the hospital band around his wrist. He was furious that I showed up at the warehouse... then you guys know the rest of what happened.

 

I 100% spiraled out of control.. I 100% pshed him away and scared the h*ll out of him. I don't blame him... my actions towards him were out of control and they were wrong... now he thinks this is who I really am... but it isn't! This situation did this to me.

 

So I'm blaming msyelf, what if I hadn't gone psycho and had a breakdown... I still feel deep down he would have filed for divorce. This is what is making this situation EXTREMELY difficult for me right now to deal with.

 

Let's say I had stayed calm, did not go psycho him and did not push him over the edge and did not SCARE him to death making him fear this is who I really am... let's say I had listended to his promise that he told me... his promise that he would file for divorce in two months because he cannot live without me and that I had waited two months. And that at the end of the two months he had FAILED me and FAILED to file.... if it had happended THIS way... I would be able to get over it a MILLION times easier. Because then I would know 100%... and I mean 100% that I am NOT to blame.

 

NOW... I think I am to blame. I am HATING myself. You guys... don't you see... he's right... I DID go psycho on him (my behavior WAS immature and out of control)...and with each episode it was really changing the way he feels about me. I made him nervous... freaked him out... he had a breakdown and felt no chice but to turn on me and lose me.

 

I pushed him over the edge. Pushed him away. Destroyed the relationsip and I hate myself for not waiting two months to see if he would fail me or not... I NEVER gave him a chance. I never really did. He never failed me not even once yet in regards to filing for divorce beyond his set deadline... I ruined everything before I gave him a chance to prove me wrong and file for divorce before his deadline... which was two months.

 

This is making me ill.

[blind_otter]

People who really want to get a divorce don't set a deadline. I was desperate to get away from my exHusband as soon as possible. The only deadline we had was the day he had to be out of my house by.

 

Why do you feel it necessary to take on the burden of guilt?

 

Do you realize how unhealthy and twisted your perception of reality is, right now?

 

Does it affect you in any way that everyone who has read your story thinks that you are taking on unnecessary guilt?

 

IMO, your ex was deeply distrubed. The reason he had panic attacks, most likely, was the lie had has been living for years. It's called cognitive dissonance.

 

And this may sound harsh, but as far as I can tell, you are making YOURSELF ill.

 

It takes two people to argue. Two people were invovled in the relationship and breaks are rarely one person's fault. He acted crazy, you acted crazy. It was a crazy relationship.

 

Once you get some distance and perspective, and once you heal and get into a real relationship that is based on healthy patterns of interacting, you will probably look back and shake your head at the chaos of this relationship.

 

Bottom line, in the future, don't allow yourself to become emotionally involved with anyone unless they are currently available. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Sami, great posts replies, all of them!

 

DW, it takes TWO to tango. You wouldn't have freaked out if things were handled properly on his end. Each of you had a part in it that led to Friday's result. The thing is, honestly I think it would have happened to some extent anyway, maybe you just sped it up faster, who knows...But right now, you need to try your best to stop putting ALL the blame on you and taking full responsibility for the situation at hand. It is serving you no purpose by doing this and it's making you feel worse too.

[DepressedWaiting]

You guys are right... I'm just so confused and hurt.

 

And on second thought... if he really was ever serious about divorce he wouldn't have told me that I'm "delusional" and that he has NEVER had sex with me and that I'm crazy and making everything up in front of his wife! He would NOT admit to having sex with me in front of his wife and telling his wife to not believe me and that he doesn't want to divorce.

 

Him doing that PROVES he really is SCUM. I think him doing THAT proves he didn't really ever have intensions of divorce. He's there telling his wife LIES that I'm crazy and making everything up and stalking. I mean, after that firday... he now has evidence due to my insane break down and repeated 100 phone calls and me chasing him down at his warehouse.

 

Perhaps it just might be that the man who I've know for 13 looooong years.... then man who was like FAMILY to me... the man who was always there for me and was my best friend... turned out to be SCUM wearing a mask.

 

Maybe he's one of those disgusting men... who really did have a problem and was a liar and screwed me over and was trying to keep both women. I would actually rather think it was my fault that I pushed him away... rather than this OTHER new thought that has just crossed my mind. Yuck.

 

SCUM. Complete scum, I just can't believe it.

[helena abadi]

wow, 13 years is a long time to wear a mask. yet, it does happen. you are certainly not the first person to be duped by someone close to them, and known to them for many years.

 

it's really important you reach out for support to other people in the real world, not just on-line. your feelings are going to be on a roller coaster for a while and this is a major event in your life.

 

is there an age difference? are you much younger?

[DepressedWaiting]

Yes, I'm 26 in two months and he's 44.

 

I've known him snce I was 13 but I NEVER got involved with him until I was around 22. Serious friendship started at 19. I've always been attracted to older men though. I really hope that I did push him away... that he was preparing to file for divorce and that I freaked him out and ruined things.

 

I HOPE he wasn't lying to me the whole time about this divorce and was trying to have both his wife and me. I don't think this was the case but now after seeing what he did at the warehouse... I don't know anymore. He KNEW this couldn't go on much longer... I highly doubt that he was just stringing me along for as long as possible... having me around was not having his cake and eating it too.. it was H*LL for him. If he didn't have serious intenions of divorcing he would have split long ago... not put up with my psycho h*LL.

 

I really do think I pushed him away and freaked him out... so this does make me feel better that he wasn't a monster wearing a mask.

 

I turned on him in his mind... so he turned around and turned on me in return. That is what happened here. Very nasty indeed... but that's what happened.

[ahotmess]

DW-

Wow! I am so sorry to hear about what happened. This guys seems like a real piece of work. I know that doesn't take away your feelings for him. You have to take some time to breath. I was only with my MM for 8mo...and this is h#!! for me. I can't imagine 13yrs of friendship. Regardless of the situation...something good can come of this. You will be stronger in the end. Maybe now is a good time to evaluate your life and see where you'd like to be?

 

Cry when you need to. Set aside time every day to do so. I even talked to my mother about the situation....and we are by no means best friends....but it helped and suprisingly she didn't judge me. Find someone to confide in...someone who can give you a hug...those help alot too:)

 

Good luck and we are all here for you:)