I am beyond devastated...

[DepressedWaiting]

You guys, I just called a few therapists and they all charge about $200 each visit. They are ALL so expensive! I can't afford this. I also don't have insurance and can't get insurance to pay for it. There is noway I can afford this.

 

I was just about to go see this one therapist right now and spend $200... but as he was giving me directions to his "office" ... it turns out he is providing this therapy from his town house! What on earth? I'm NOT going to go to some therapist who wants me to basically go to his apartment for therapy. That is odd and very unprofessional.

 

Another therapist was located in a very bad looking location. Most don't even answer their phones when I call to get prices or information about counseling.

 

I'm losing hope about this whole therapy thing

 

Do you know what I really wish I had done? My MM constantly told me to go see a therapist because I'm unstable and he REALLY wanted me to go to one. He almost refused to see me anymore UNTIL I went to a therapist. I should have gone and made HIM go with me as well. It would have opened up his eyes... opened his eyes and made him AWARE of what he was not aware of. Maybe this whole thing could have been avoided then.

 

I'm filled with so much regret right now it's unbareable. So much regret. I knew and saw he wasn't aware of why I was going crazy. He REALLY does not know why and thinks I'm just crazy now and push him over the edge. I should have had him go with me to counseling... he agreed to it. But I never pursued it.

[blind_otter]

there are resources available. call your county health department.

[scarletletter]

First of all, you absolutely need to STOP beating yourself up over this. So, everything turned out terribal and he turned out to be a real jerk by siding with his wife. You should be glad you found out what he is capable of. I know it is incredibly hard to move on but you are going to have to pull yourself together. Stop sitting around re-living the whole incident. Go out and go walking or start exercising. It will help to clear your mind. Start a project, anything to occupy your mind. It is obvious that he is not going to be knocking at your door or be supportive to you in any way. You need to get yourself together, hold your head up, and move on! I'm sure you feel like you have made some mistakes, but it was a mistake from day one it sounds like. I think you will be fine...you just have to stop this now and look ahead, not behind.

[DepressedWaiting]

I think I'm reaching a new stage or feeling about this situation leaning into the revenge stage.

 

This man REALLY screwed me over. He LIED twisted things around, made it seem like I was making everything up and that he never had sex with me e.t.c. As I fell to the floor crying in front of his wife he just stood there and didn't help me whatsoever. Let his wife think I was a nutjob and he's 100% innocent. It was HORRIBLE. Just horrible what he did. He KNOWS he managed to screw me over and he KNOWS he got away with it! I even let him destroy the tapes... evidence I had. His wife wanted it that day at the warehouse but I no longer had it. Shoot!

 

I'm having fantasies of how nice it would be if about a year from now (such as at the end of this year) I contacted MM and managed to convince him that I've been to a therapist... had counseling and how I know what was wrong with me (and it's not because I'm unstable, it was the situation making me crazy) and I managed to convince him to go to counseling with me to PROVE this to him. And then managed to weasle him and trick him and fool him into seeing me again for a month. I'd gather all the evidence I need and screw him over like he did me by showing his wife the evidence. If that REALLY happened... I mean if that really happened... his wife would KILL him.

 

This is just a fantasy but it's helping me feel better.

[whichwayisup]

I think I'm reaching a new stage or feeling about this situation leaning into the revenge stage.

 

The anger is setting in...That is good and it's normal to think of getting revenge...Keep that as an evil fantasy!

[newbby]

i agree, its good you are getting mad. its all part of the process. keep venting in here the whole way through, there will always be somebody to talk to, and good suggestions, even if you cant manage to find a free therapist.

[scarletletter]

I think you are headed in the right direction as far as getting over this. Anger takes the energy away from the devastation feeling. Anger is an exhausting emotion and I know you want revenge in the worst way. I don't blame you one bit. You are going to have to be very careful in that if you do anything at all, you know the wife will have you arrested. It is not worth all of that. I could almost bet the MM is going through his own hell in his mind knowing that he was capable of doing that to you. I am sure that he is probably as miserable as you are....but keep in mind that he had a choice and he made it. Don't feel sorry for him in any way. He did what he wanted to do whether he thought you were a nutcase or not. He knew you better than that. He sounds like a real coward.

[whichwayisup]

Talk to your family Dr, maybe she/he can refer you to someone who doesn't cost as much or is covered through insurance.

[Sami_D]

Do you know what hurts the most out of all this? What hurts more than ANYTHING is that he REALLY 100% thinks that I am just an unstable person who is now crazy who caused this and ruined everything. It hurts more than anything that he cannot acknowledge and REALIZE how horrible this situation really was for me. The distrought unstable person he was dealing with throughtout this was NOT the real me. And since he knew me when I was younger he used to see me and my other argue and get into spats. So he then tells me... I've always been unstable... not even my mother could control me.

 

[he] told me ... that if the situation REALLY was that horribe for me and really was making me the unstable out of control person I was and it was that AWFUL for me then I would have been women enough to simply walked away and end it with him.

 

Well here are some more examples of him being spiteful and blaming.

 

DW, it's unlikely that you'll ever get the acknowledgement from him that he was in any way to blame for his involvement and actions in this. (and even if you did, what are his words worth..?).

 

He's doing what he can to save his own skin, and keep his own mental picture of himself intact. I know how much it hurts when we feel we've been misrepresented in another's eyes - especially someone we love and whose opinion we value (or have valued). What I learnt in therapy was that we each have to feel confident enough in ourselves that it doesn't matter what other people say or think about us... we've got our own core of self-belief and self-respect that matters MOST of all.

[Sami_D]

You guys, I just called a few therapists and they all charge about $200 each visit. They are ALL so expensive! I can't afford this. I also don't have insurance and can't get insurance to pay for it. There is noway I can afford this.

 

It will be far too expensive for you to afford private therapy. You need to go to your GP, tell them the extent of the problem and how desperate you feel. Ask for a referral for emergency counselling.

 

Having said that, it is SO hard to get. I got emergency referral during my crisis because I was on suicide watch. Make it plain how desperate you feel. There is always SUCH a demand for counselling that there is a waiting list.

 

Alternatively, you could do what I also did, which was look for charitable organisations which support counselling centres. Luckily for me there was one locally which was excellent.

 

Please do a search and try to find out what's available.

[Sami_D]

This is just a fantasy but it's helping me feel better.

 

I used to have fantasies of murdering my ex lol. It was short-term and slightly alarming, but I like to think this is pretty normal

[newbby]

He's doing what he can to save his own skin, and keep his own mental picture of himself intact. I know how much it hurts when we feel we've been misrepresented in another's eyes - especially someone we love and whose opinion we value (or have valued). What I learnt in therapy was that we each have to feel confident enough in ourselves that it doesn't matter what other people say or think about us... we've got our own core of self-belief and self-respect that matters MOST of all.

 

really hard to do, but, ultimately so worthwhile. imagine having that unshakeable confidence and self-belief. did your therapist suggest ways of achieving this sami?

[newbby]

I used to have fantasies of murdering my ex lol. It was short-term and slightly alarming, but I like to think this is pretty normal

 

fantasies are an excellent way of working through emotions, and they dont hurt anybody.

[DepressedWaiting]

Do you know what's odd? Ever since this happened on tuesday (five days ago) I haven't been able to cry at all. I cried for 2 mintues... that's it.

 

That's how much I'm in shock... I'm numb and in a daze for days now. I'm so confused... it's very odd that I can't cry. Normally I would cry constantly in regards to this situation. It's very strange that I can't cry. I think that proves that I'm in a state of shock and confusion and still blaiming msyelf.

 

What I'm feeling is worry... I'm still so confused worried sick that what if I hadn't pushed him over the edge and scared the daylights out of him with this last episode making him think I'm psycho. The past 5 days it's ALL I think about every second of the day. I went to the movie's with that girl last night... I couldn't even tell you what the move was about because the entire time I kept thinking about the situation.

 

I think in about another week I will be getting better. It's just too early yet and I'm not sure what to make of anything yet

 

I know he's just a man and not worth it (especially not this one). I keep telling myself that and convince myself of that but it's not wroking very well... yet.

[whyohwhy]

depressedwaiting, I don't think you started out crazy, but I am quite sure that a typical OW/MM can MAKE the OW literally crazy. And that is what has happened to you. (Fortunately, it is reversible, and as low as you feel, thank God for releasing you, because that painful day may have been the ONLY way for you to get free so you can go on and have a life.)

 

BTW, no, you did NOT ruin a great relationship with your behavior. I am CERTAIN of it. You were in an impossible situation - with the connivance of this slime known as your ex-MM - and you attempted to survive and make sense of insanity. This has caused you to blow some mental and emotional fuses. If you could force yourself to act totally OK with all the lies and twisted thinking, you might break something inside your head.

 

Your pain is very real. I will hope and pray for you that is lessens and fades as quickly as human nature allows. (((hugs)))

[whichwayisup]

I know he's just a man and not worth it (especially not this one). I keep telling myself that and convince myself of that but it's not wroking very well... yet.

 

Keep telling yourself that and in time you WILL not only believe that, but you'll feel it in your heart.

 

Time is on your side and I know you will get through this. Some good days and some bad days, but the end result will make you happy.

[DepressedWaiting]

What whyohwhy said hit the nail on the head. I was blowing mental and emotional fuses and the longer it went on and the more I saw time was flying by and the LONGER I forced myself to believe things would change when deep down in my gut I knew things wouldn't change anytime soon (because of his words and behavior towards me it was proof) the worse and worse I became.

 

I know without a doubt that I am NOT crazy and NOT an unstable person... but wow... did this situation REALLY destroy me and drive me to insanity and make me act like I never thought I ever would.

It just HURTS so INCREDIBLY bad that my MM didn't realize or understand this. He just didn't. It hurts me so much I can't put it into words. He is a weak coward, he REALLY did want me very much but he was too scared and too weak and too cheap. He is a lowlife coward.

 

The past two years I wasted over him consumed by some man when instead I should have been consumed with getting my life together and my business. Hopefully soon I'll be ok and will be able to focus on my business which has always been my dream. I know not a day won't go by for this entire year that I won't think about him though.. and think about him being with his wife. This is brutal

[BUTAFLY]

this is going to take a long time before you even notice your not thinking of him ....I guess a year at least. Its been almost a year for me, and now and again it makes me queezy to think of them two together but you quickly have to put it out of your mind.

 

Ya know what helps me. I think of all the people on here with similar tough stories and it helps to know your not alone or it could me worse. I think of Jennifer Aniston. she was done wrong by brad pit and that was public so your definately not alone.

[EMJ]

It kills me when people start comparing their situations to celebrity gossip.

 

Nobody REALLY know what goes on in a marriage except for the two people living it on a day to day basis.

 

People posting here are asking for advice and are giving us some insight into the details of their relationships or at least their side of the story. Celebrity gossip is almost always done by outsiders who usually have never even met the people they are talking about. No comparison whatsoever.

 

Here's what happens in our life and celebrities also:

 

You meet someone. At that point you both think things will always be great and never change (always a wrong assumption). People often stop growing with the person and may be growing in other directions. Maybe their world has become bigger, maybe their view of what's important in life evolves in a direction the other person does not care about or value. Maybe, just maybe, they both stop putting a real effort into the marriage and staying in love. That's more common than most people think.

 

Nobody can be "stolen" by another. Only the willing walk away and give themselves to another. They leave because the new person is giving them something they aren't getting in the marriage or relationship, like an intellectual challenge, a purpose driven life, and the opportunity to do something in this life with REAL value attached to it. Maybe something more than the fake world of TV, movies, and celebrity. These celebrities are stalked like animals. If they can find true happiness in spite of all that, good for them.

 

A lot of marriages stagnate for a long time before anyone makes a move out. Sex is more often than not, an outgrowth of the intial attraction they felt for that person intellectually and emotionally. It's hard to feel sorry for some of the most wealthy and powerful people in the world acting like victims. It's embarrassing to watch and people should just leave them alone. The only one talking about it is the one who has decided to accept the victim label. Everyone makes choices.

[whichwayisup]

I was going to say just that...Do not compare your life or situation to anybody in the public eye. Noone really knows the exact truth of what happened between those two anyway.

It's too easy to judge and come to some sort of conclusion about how it's been handled because of what we hear/see on TV, newspapers etc.

 

DW, YOU will be okay, I promise you that! Roll with the punches as they hit you and thrive off of the good days/moments that come your way too. Trust me, they are close by!

[Sami_D]

really hard to do, but, ultimately so worthwhile. imagine having that unshakeable confidence and self-belief. did your therapist suggest ways of achieving this sami?

 

I saw her for an hour a week for over 18 months. It was a talk therapy which was goal-oriented I am sure more than I realised, but the emphasis wasn't on looking at problems exactly. The experience was of a conversation about my childhood, my life to date, what had just happened to me... And of my therapist asking me questions, asking how I felt about certain things... and (I remember most distictly) 'allowing' me to cry, express my anger about my childhood experiences, my anger with my parents... Basically re-thinking, re-feeling all the things I'd 'learnt' about life and how to cope with it that were all twisted up as a result of my first experiences in life.

 

She never told me how to do anything... it was more about looking again at things, un-learning beliefs in the light of that re-examination and the space she gave me to express things I'd been afraid of expressing. Somehow I learnt that other people (my parents in particular) were also acting out of fear. I'd always known they were surely 'doing their best'... but because of that I was afraid to be angry with what they'd done.

 

[long story short] It was a long, VERY HARD process... you lose some face... you have to. You have to let go of so much that you believed was true... Somewhere in all that I began to see how I'd been living my life afraid of losing people, afraid of hurting people and being hurt... and so afraid that I would try to please to the extent that when I was disappointed... I was angry, hurt... and devastated. All that fear was so unhealthy. But it was the life I'd learnt to live.

 

And... [and this was just one strand of the healing] at the end of the therapy (but not the end of the learning, of course) I had started to realise that I needed to build my life on my terms. And I'd started making small steps in that direction.

 

Bearing in mind that I was also clinically depressed and suicidal, and suffering from PTDS (yes, he really made a mess of me), the road has been a long and difficult one. But actually... I'm glad it happened. Because as a result I was able to re-make my relationship with my mother before she died (my dad had died the year before, sadly), and I KNOW that my life in future is only going to get better and better.

 

Anyway... long and personal thread hi-jack which I'm not sure contributed to anything. Sorry for the ramble!!

[BUTAFLY]

GREAST POST Sami !!

It helps people see that getting involved in and staying in a destructive relationship stems from issues much deeper. It's those issues we need to explore, NOT picking apart what happened in the relationship.

[Sami_D]

Thanks BUTAFLY

 

I had thought about this post a couple of times during the day and thought... that whatever I do in life... I think that my early exeperiences will always colour that. That having grown up in a certain way, one can never (my thought) have that inner peace and self-belief that other people have 'naturaly'. I don't feel that I can have it unthinkingly. It's something that I need to remember every day.

[DepressedWaiting]

It's a week later and I honestly don't feel any better. MM ALWAYS told me several times that I'm scaring him... I'm scaring him into thinking he could never be with me because of the way I was acting it was REALLY concerning him and I was pushing him away detroying our relationship and how he feels about me.

 

He REALLY just didn't get it! He thinks I'm unstable and crazy now... that he had NO choice because I'm crazy and immature and an unstable person who he could have never been with. He 100% just doesn't realize it was the situation doing it to me! THIS hurts me more than ANYTHING. It hurts to have someone you cared about think something of me which is NOT true. When I was crying at him at the warehouse in private devastated as to how he could screw me over like this... he looked at me and said are you kidding! You screwed yourself over, look at how your behaving! How could you possibly think that I screwed you over! And that he WAS going to divorce but how could I possibly think he could ever be with me when I'm unstable and have some problem whereas I can't control my emotions and that it is OVER for good. The he let his wife call the police on me and he saved his own rear. Disgusting.

 

But seeing how he reacted in front of his wife changed the way I feel about him. I'm starting to be at the point now of saying he can go screw himself and the h*ll with it.

 

I'm surprising myself that I'm stronger than I thought I was... or maybe this is just temporary. I wish I had been invisible and I could have secreetly seen how he was with his wife at home throughout the affair... I bet if I had only seen him and how he really is at home with his wife and how he was lying to both women I would have dumped HIM a long time ago.

 

I'm not going to focus on men anymore... I have my clothing business (whereas I'm manufacturing my own line of women's shorts in china)... the business I've always wanted but have put on hold for two years because I couldn't functon form this situation. I'm going to focus on that and get my life together. I got side tracked and consumed by him instead of focusing on more important things at this time in my life which isn't men.

 

I have this fantasy that once I get my business together... maybe a year from now... I could make him go to counseling with me and acknowledge and get him ot understand all of this? I feel like I will NEVER rest in peace until I can get him to acknowledge that and this isn't who I really am and get him to UNDERSTAND what he obviosuly doesn't right now. I so desperately WISH that one day I could have that happen but I know it never will

 

But when I think of it, how could this creep understand... he has no idea what it's like to be an OW and never will.

[honeybee]

I think the best way you can show him that is by becoming successful at your business and leading a perfectly happy life without him in it. That is the best revenge.