It's driving me crazy

[LauraXX]

I’m a long-time LS member (rarely post though). I've been on dating apps for about ten years now—had a few short relationships and lots of situationships. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting red flags. But every now and then, someone comes along who completely knocks you off your feet, and all logic goes out the window. I could use a reality check—am I overthinking, or are my concerns valid?

So: I’m 47f and matched with a 41yo guy on Tinder a month ago. We’ve had four dates so far: first one was dinner, second a movie (we kissed), third was sushi in his town (we had sex after), and then most recently his birthday (wine at his place, I stayed over). Honestly, I feel like I’m falling for him. I think he enjoys our time together, but I have this gut feeling he doesn’t see me as a potential girlfriend.

It feels too soon to have “the conversation”. But I also don’t want to invest too much without knowing where he stands. So now I’m stuck overanalyzing everything—and I hate it.

What’s bothering me:

The age gap. Six years isn’t much, but he  said he wants kids eventually—and I’m 47. Feels like a silent dealbreaker.

He doesn’t initiate contact between dates. He did suggest the first three, but otherwise: radio silence. I last saw him three days ago. I told him I’m busy this week, but still—wouldn’t you check in at least occasionally with someone you really liked? Especially after I told him, that I would love to hear from him more often. 

His Tinder bio says he’s looking for a life partner but open to meeting “interesting people along the way.” He got out of a LTR in December and immediately joined three dating apps (one of them is specifically for NSA hookups). Sounds like rebound territory.

We’ve had sex twice and both times he had performance issues. He was VERY attentive to me though, which I appreciated—but it still makes me wonder if he’s not that attracted to me.

Reasons for optimism:

He’s generous with compliments and seems to enjoy our time together.

Says he focuses on one person when dating and is fine with sexual exclusivity if that matters to his partner / FWB whatever.

Doesn’t seem like a player. Said he’s often the “nice guy” who gets friendzoned. Claims I’m only the third person he’s met from OLD, and that he doesn’t get many matches. Still, one date a month doesn’t exactly scream “not many matches” to me.

Talks about future plans involving me—meeting friends, doing things together. So that suggests it’s not a date-by-date thing, right?

We align on humor, values, politics, religion (both atheists), and even sexually (some little weirdo kinks we share) —which I think is rare in OLD.

So now I’m stuck: Am I just anxious and need to chill? Or are there legit red flags here? If he still doesn’t reach out in the next couple of days, should I text him (even though I initiated the last date)?
Timing is also an issue—I’m swamped this week and only free late at night. I thought about suggesting a late movie, but I don’t want it to come off as a booty call. Should I wait until I’m free at normal hours again (in 8-9 days) and suggest a daytime activity?

This whole thing is stressing me out so much it’s making me physically sick. I really like this guy ☹

[Els]

39 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

Six years isn’t much, but he  said he wants kids eventually—

My opinion is that if someone made it all the way to the age of 41 without having kids, they're probably not all that serious about wanting kids.

Quote

He doesn’t initiate contact between dates. He did suggest the first three, but otherwise: radio silence. I last saw him three days ago. I told him I’m busy this week, but still—wouldn’t you check in at least occasionally with someone you really liked? Especially after I told him, that I would love to hear from him more often. 

Have you tried messaging him? Did you initiate contact more than once in the past? The way you're phrasing it, it sounds like he initiated contact 3 times and you did once, is that correct?

If that is the case, then surely it sounds like YOU are the one indicating lack of interest, not him?

I feel like you're overthinking things, which might lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Holy crap, you guys are in your 40s, not teenagers. If you want to watch a late movie but not have sex, surely that can be communicated? And if you do want to have sex, then what's the problem?

 

[LauraXX]

40 minutes ago, Els said:

Have you tried messaging him? Did you initiate contact more than once in the past? The way you're phrasing it, it sounds like he initiated contact 3 times and you did once, is that correct?

Yes, I did message him (twice I think) just to check-in and make a bit of small talk, but the conversations died down immediately because his answers were so short, and he didn’t really ask any questions back. He did initiate three of the dates though (with very short, to the point messages). 

[LauraXX]

46 minutes ago, Els said:

I feel like you're overthinking things, which might lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Holy crap, you guys are in your 40s, not teenagers. If you want to watch a late movie but not have sex, surely that can be communicated? And if you do want to have sex, then what's the problem?

 

The problem is: I must be doing something wrong if all these situationships didn’t work out. I’m the common denominator. I have no problem getting dates and I can’t remember a single situation where the guy wasn’t eager to go on a second date. But I always, always, always end up in the FWB zone sooner or later. Even though I think I’m communicating quite clearly that I’m looking for commitment. So maybe my words are saying one thing, my actions something different (like suggesting late night activities).

[Els]

46 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

Yes, I did message him (twice I think) just to check-in and make a bit of small talk, but the conversations died down immediately because his answers were so short, and he didn’t really ask any questions back. He did initiate three of the dates though (with very short, to the point messages). 

Hmm. It's hard to say, really... was he engaged in the conversations you two had in real life? Some people aren't big on texting. I guess I'd consider this an orange flag, it depends on the context.

43 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

The problem is: I must be doing something wrong if all these situationships didn’t work out. I’m the common denominator. I have no problem getting dates and I can’t remember a single situation where the guy wasn’t eager to go on a second date. But I always, always, always end up in the FWB zone sooner or later. Even though I think I’m communicating quite clearly that I’m looking for commitment. So maybe my words are saying one thing, my actions something different (like suggesting late night activities).

I don't think the time of the day affects whether it turns into a FWB situation or not.

If you don't want to be in a situation where you are having sex without commitment, then I guess the solution is to not have sex until there is commitment?

I don't mean this in the "make them wait" sense, but simply due to the filtering effect. If you're having sex without commitment, then naturally you will be filtering specifically for people who also want to have sex without commitment. Some of these people may or may not be open to commitment later, but at the same time you're getting emotionally attached without knowing whether they are or not.

On the other hand, if you wait, you'll be filtering for people who also want commitment first. Yeah you'll lose some of the latter category (those who may be open to it later), but on the other hand you're also wasting less time with incompatible people.

[LauraXX]

52 minutes ago, Els said:

Hmm. It's hard to say, really... was he engaged in the conversations you two had in real life? Some people aren't big on texting. I guess I'd consider this an orange flag, it depends on the context.

I don't think the time of the day affects whether it turns into a FWB situation or not.

If you don't want to be in a situation where you are having sex without commitment, then I guess the solution is to not have sex until there is commitment?

I don't mean this in the "make them wait" sense, but simply due to the filtering effect. If you're having sex without commitment, then naturally you will be filtering specifically for people who also want to have sex without commitment. Some of these people may or may not be open to commitment later, but at the same time you're getting emotionally attached without knowing whether they are or not.

On the other hand, if you wait, you'll be filtering for people who also want commitment first. Yeah you'll lose some of the latter category (those who may be open to it later), but on the other hand you're also wasting less time with incompatible people.

Yes, he was definitely engaged in our real life conversations. No problems there. 

Well, anyways… I just texted him and asked him about his plans for Saturday night. He has read the message but hasn’t replied yet. We’ll see. I hate that I‘m so pessimistic about this. 

[smackie9]

You got me at "He wants kids"...in two more years...the possibility of menopause. Don't waste anymore time with this guy. In future...exclusivity/ monogamy before sex. Choose more realistically. You need to assess things that will align with your future plans, not how you feel or how he treats you in the moment. That's why you keep failing. 

[basil67]

I'd suggest coming right out with the children conversation.   "Hey, you said you want kids someday.  You know I'm 47, so how does this fit into the equation?"   He may tell you that he's aware that it may not happen now that he's getting older and you may choose to cautiously continue.   Or if he dodges the question, then assume he's just looking for casual and end it