billskrill Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 After not having any contact with my ex for two months (actually there was 1 contact on my ignorant part when i texted her on New Years Eve drunk saying "happy new year baby") but other than that there was zero contact. I had gotten on with my life but still felt empty...i've been through breakups but none with a girl i had considered my soulmate. So if you're interested look back on my previous threads from october or september. Anyways she calls me out of the blue at 1030 this morning. I was shocked to see her name on my caller ID. I answered and she asked what i have been up to and even mentioned getting my text. I told her i was working and would call her back tonight which i did. We talked for 35 minutes before she was tired which i could tell as she became less talkitive (which she always did when she was getting tired). She wants to get together for lunch friday which i told her would be fine. She said "i'll talk to you between now and then..i'll call you or you call me or whatever." I don't know what to do. I feel she is my soulmate and am excited to know what's been going on with her and know she's at least thought about me enough to call me. I don't know what to do and i dont even know what she's wanting to do. Is she wanting me in her life as a friend??? or maybe she is wanting me in her life as more??? either way i'm confused but i just hope things work out for the best one way or another...any advice or comments??? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 No telling what she wants. But first off, please don't go with any "expectations." It could be a heartbreaker and you could start all over again with grief if you're expecting a reconcillation and she just wants a dinner friend. Take it slow. Don't be in a rush. Let her do most of the talking. Be in a GOOD mood. Smile a lot. Be calm. Be confident. Be self-assured. Listen to what she has and don't be overly excited to get back together if that is the case. Just hear her out but be reserved and cautious before jumping right back in. Ask yourself (don't say out loud): What has changed? What's different? Is this what is best for ME? The problem with most reconcilliations is that we're always in a rush to go back to the way things were when that's most likely what lead to the breakup. You should hopefully be a stronger person, have realized your mistakes and aren't too quick to repeat them. I wish you luck and hope you heed my advice. The last thing you want is to have your heart broken again. Always look out for #1. (You) Also, this goes without saying. Don't ever sleep with them right away or get intimate. The most I would recommend on the first "date" back together is a hug. I mean, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free, right? Link to post Share on other sites
chocolate_boy Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I'd strongly reccommend AGAINST this meeting, you are nowhere near over her, and unless she wants to get back with you (and trust me, she'd have made much more of an effort than this) you're gonna come away heartbroken and with shattered hope. I've done these "coffee" or meeting things after a break-up several times and it always ends it tears and is usually the final nail in the coffin. The ex might kind of miss you in a way and want to meet to see if you can be friends (maybe while giving you details of their new dates!) but it will make you feel worse. I've never once heard of a good outcome from these meetings, it will just set you right back to the start, please don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
gordon_gc Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Whether you are over her or not, I would actually recommend to GO for this MEETING... ...I am not saying I have the right answer but from my point of view, at least, it will give you an idea on whether or not you should move on or not. If you don't go, you might miss a chance, or even think you might have missed a chance. You could play a game by postponing the meeting but I wouldn't advice this. Now, from experience, be ready for the worst, dont expect anything out of it...just have a good time. Try to behave the same way you would behave on a date with a girl you just met and that you wanna respect. LET HER DO THE TALKING. Don't give too much details about yourself and most importantly, don't lie (like you have a new gf if you don't). When you'll see her, expect your heart to beat really fast, you will probably lose your concentration and confidence but have a good breath, have fun and make her have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
chocolate_boy Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I'm only going from personal experience, I have done this "meeting for coffee" thing with 3 exs, and it's always been the same, really awkward and forced conversation, then one of us getting or hopes up, meeting again, then an outburst where someone declares love still and the other one gets all pissed off and we don't speak again... lol you may laugh but as I said this has happened every time I've ever had one of these. Did it with my recent ex and had to sit there and plaster on a fake smile while she told me in detail about the two guys she's been f*cking since we broke up... then have her look me in the eye and tell me she didn't love me and probably never did, and then decide we weren't gonna be friends... I could have probably done without all that in all honesty (tha was after 3 meetings that happened two months after we split), I haven't spoke to her since. If she wants you back, you'll know about it, she's doing nothing more than either seeing you once more to reaffirm that she doesn't like you, or she just feels guilty or wants you as her new "gay best friend". Don't do it, trust me. Two months is too soon, if you want to meet her, leave it another 2 or 3, then see if you still want to, if she loves you and you're her soulmate, she'll be back bigstyle before then. The whole "date casually, improve yourself, be mysterious, have fun and treat her like a new date" (usually off "get your ex back" websites) never ever works, it's not a new date it's someone who decided you weren't good enough for her, harsh but true. Go out and have fun with a new girl if you want to date, but don't go back, infact ironically you stand more chance of getting your ex back by leaving her alone and moving on, if she did love you she would be calling you, emailing you, knocking on your door and telling you. Anything else and all you're doing is setting yourself right back to day one of your healing and setting yourself up for more dissapointment. Link to post Share on other sites
helena abadi Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 lesson learned - don't have coffee with exes.... Link to post Share on other sites
salmagundi Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I dunno if I want to wade into this one or not. But here goes anyway. I hear everything chocolate is saying. I guess you have to decide what kind of person your ex is. Would she tell about all the men she's been shagging since you broke up? Only you know what kind of person she is but obviously the decision to go or not doesn't come down to general principles like "all post breakup meetings suck ass and go nowhere!" I mean, its probably true. But if you go, whats the worst that can happen? Obviously you're still interested in her. If you dont meet her, you will likely drive yourself crazy wondering if meeting her would have set you guys on the road to reconciliation. This could be almost as bad as any worst case scenario arising from your meeting her. And on the other hand, if you meet her and she makes it clear that she is not there in search of any reconciliation but only to check up on you...well...that sucks but since your still into her that would put a much needed end to your hopes, right? But anyway, everything everyone else is saying is as right as anything can be when it comes to love and all the folly associated with being in love (and falling out of it...). Their are no universal laws. relationships are like snowflakes....in the end what makes you and your girlfriend different from me and my girlfriend and is your particularity (am I making sense) Your different people in different places at different times and the interaction between your personality and hers makes a totally different dynamic than all other relationship dynamics. What I mean is, it ultimately comes down to you. Do you want to meet her? Are you willing to take the chance that this meeting will break your heart all over again? If you go, you'll find out for sure. If you don't you'll never know. In following general principle and not meeting the ex you may have acted wisely and avoided needless heartache...but you may have betrayed the particularity of your situation and denied yourself the chance to get back with her...or to learn that I am an idiot and dont know what I'm talking about... Dont have false hope but govern yourself, dont be governed by general rules because love is not science. yours. salmagundi Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Excellent advice, Salmagundi. Link to post Share on other sites
Author billskrill Posted January 12, 2006 Author Share Posted January 12, 2006 Thanks everyone....after giving it much thought and talking to a couple of close friends i've decided that i'm not going to meet up with her. Just talking to her on the phone the other night has actually made me feel worse because i have backtracked in the process of getting over her. She isn't the type that would tell me about guys she's been banging but I dont think she has been with any guy because of her situation...long story it's in my old posts if interested...anyways my family doesn't like her one bit and neither do my friends and shes broke my heart once already...i think i'll just continue to move on and find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 Thanks everyone....after giving it much thought and talking to a couple of close friends i've decided that i'm not going to meet up with her. Just talking to her on the phone the other night has actually made me feel worse because i have backtracked in the process of getting over her. She isn't the type that would tell me about guys she's been banging but I dont think she has been with any guy because of her situation...long story it's in my old posts if interested...anyways my family doesn't like her one bit and neither do my friends and shes broke my heart once already...i think i'll just continue to move on and find someone else. A good indicator of future behavior is of course, past behavior. If she broke your heart once, she can do it again. I think you've made a wise decision. If she wanted to work things out she'd just come out and tell you. With my ex, the only email I will respond to is one in which she apologizes for her behavior, resolved to change and said she loved me and wanted to try again. Only then would I answer and I would definitely not rush right back into things. Link to post Share on other sites
chocolate_boy Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 Well done dude, very proud of you. Link to post Share on other sites
chocolate_boy Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 She isn't the type that would tell me about guys she's been banging but I dont think she has been with any guy because of her situation... I didn't think my ex was either, she always prides herself on "being the nicest person" she knows.. after a break-up you often see things in people you never thought were possible, and realise you never really knew them at all. Link to post Share on other sites
wendel1 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 Have to agree with your decision. Its best not to meet up with an ex until you are definitely over her, perhaps a long time down the line. I met up with an ex after 2 months and it was the worst thing I could have done. She was clearly over me and I thought I was over her, but as soon as I saw her walking towards me my heart skipped a beat and I was a mess. After that meeting I rang her and told her that I could not be friends with her at the moment and that I needed time to get over her. So I said goodbye. Ive been in NC ever since Nov of last year. You made the right choice! Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 You have just saved yourself from a truck load of stress and heartache. Props 2 you. Link to post Share on other sites
Jey Dey Dey Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 You should have gone. I thought you wanted to try again. She did. She was the one asking you out and made it clear you would talk in between/until than, made it clear she would call you and it would be okay if you did. What would be the point of meeting up with her when you were over her? You might as well move on and never look back. So what if your friends and family didn't approve, they were not the ones with her. She and you were together and would be, they don't get a say. They don't know her like you do. I hope you don't regret it down the line. Link to post Share on other sites
Author billskrill Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 I hope i dont regret it either, however she did call me and wanted to talk to me again the following night, i actually called her and she said she would call me back and never did (that wasn't when i decided not to meet up anyways). I had made my decision prior to calling her I was just going to tell her I didn't think it'd be the best idea right now but she never called me back anyways as she said she would so oh well, it worked out for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
chocolate_boy Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 You should have gone. I thought you wanted to try again. She did. Don't be so ridiculous, if she wanted to try again and was so in love she was not sleeping and missing him etc. you think she'd give up after this? Take it from someone who has been here several times with several ex's, these meetings only ever happen "for old time's sake", just a catch up cos one still wants to be "friends", but it never works in my experience. If anything he has saved himself from going right back to the first day of the break-up all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
chocolate_boy Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 I hope i dont regret it either, however she did call me and wanted to talk to me again the following night, i actually called her and she said she would call me back and never did (that wasn't when i decided not to meet up anyways). I had made my decision prior to calling her I was just going to tell her I didn't think it'd be the best idea right now but she never called me back anyways as she said she would so oh well, it worked out for the best. Trust me bud, she's not interested in being with you, this proves it, keep looking after yourself. If she did change her mind after a while she would be letting you know about it, I once decided I wanted an ex back and I was like a man possessed, letters, phone calls, telling her I loved her... still didn't get me anywhere (good for her!), however if someone wants someone back, nothing gets in their way. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts