Can you be unable to reject sex offers?

[Cheekycheekster8]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

In other words, you understand that what we’re saying is right, but you’re annoyed that we’re saying it directly.

Your question has been answered. She doesn’t take it seriously. She is a cheater and she isn’t ready to be in a serious relationship with you.

No, im happy to hear every angle. Im not happy to hear it in a cocky way. Thats the difference.

Yes, the question took half a day to get answered, but its answered now. Thanks for answering

[glows]

13 hours ago, Cheekycheekster8 said:

I guess what’s going on is that we met half a year too soon without knowing, and now we both caught feelings for eachother in the meantime of figuring out the time is so late + other unseen factors from the side. Its too late to track back when the feelings are already there. What we did do however was to try and damage control the draining of our thing by not making an actual relationship out of it so soon. In fairness, i was the one who insisted to not going all in before meeting. She was the one who tried to make us exclusive by keep telling me she doesnt need anyone else through the waiting process. And so when she suddenly tells me she had sex with someone - after lying about it, and telling me its probably gonna happen again - it makes me question her, yes. She was also the one who started the location sharing on sc. 

I get what you’re saying from everything tho, and i do take it in. But i really think i did everything i could to make everything work the best, and i dont think its fair to question how i feel after all this. But again, thats beside the point, and its so complex i wont be able to list everything and, so its not possible to solve the whole thing. Im more focusing on whether her argument alone holds water.
 

Anyway, now we stand where we stand, and the feelings are what they are. What it all comes down to for me is that she DOES want to stay exclusive herself. And so how i see it (or at least feel it), it all comes down to whether being unable to refuse offers is an actual thing. Because if it’s not, it might happen again once im deep in stuff years ahead potentially which im not ready for with the current signs she already gave. Im not talking about opinions regarding it, it’s more physically. Can you be physically unable to reject sex offers?

There are sex addicts and mental health issues. A healthy person will be able to say no. An unhealthy person is not able to say no, even if to the detriment of their own health or if it involves hurting others. 

The issue with your question is we should be understanding where either of your intentions lie and the back story which I bolded above does give insight into where she’s at or why she’s telling you what she is. I don’t think she’s an addict. I do think she’s disappointed and may be resentful and feeling trapped in a situation that isn’t fulfilling and not secure. She wanted something more exclusive with you which you resisted and it all backfired when she started sleeping with other people. It just sounds like she’s deeply unhappy with your choice not to be exclusive even if it’s online dating for now. I don’t think your resistance was wrong at all. It’s a very wise choice. I also don’t think it’s unusual for her to be resentful and seek comfort from others or sleep with other men. It’s not ok to lie. She lied and that hurt you.

I think you’re deeply hurt and frustrated with the situation and confused why she’d behave like that. If anything this is really about how this ldr isn’t working for her. Maybe for you too. The other question to ask is now realizing she may be resentful and pulling away dealing with her emotions or sleeping with other men, is this something you’re okay with or can accept? Would you still continue to see her in the same way or does it affect the way you feel about her? 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Cheekycheekster8 said:

I do and i have everyright to expect people to reply respecfully. I dont tell you what you think - i just ask you to be polite when you do

It's the internet, dude. You'e not always going to get the replies you want or the manner of delivery you prefer. It's not worth stressing over. 

Anyway, hopefully you realize this woman is trying to pull the wool over your eyes in a serious way. She doesn't much respect you if she actually expects you believe she is "physically unable" to reject sex. 

You never really bought that, did you? I can't imagine you did. 

[Els]

"Physically impossible to reject offers"?? Wow. I mean, I was going to say that if you want a monogamous relationship you should stay clear of this woman... But then I realized that even if you were fine with an open relationship, there's a ton of situations where this "physical impossibility" would rear its ugly head. Imagine - it'd be "physically impossible" for her to reject sex with your dad, or her mom, or a 16 year old, or a serial murderer...

Just in case it wasn't obvious, that was sarcasm, lol. She's making up BS excuses, dude. C'mon. You'd have to be born yesterday to believe her.

[Cheekycheekster8]

7 hours ago, glows said:

There are sex addicts and mental health issues. A healthy person will be able to say no. An unhealthy person is not able to say no, even if to the detriment of their own health or if it involves hurting others. 

The issue with your question is we should be understanding where either of your intentions lie and the back story which I bolded above does give insight into where she’s at or why she’s telling you what she is. I don’t think she’s an addict. I do think she’s disappointed and may be resentful and feeling trapped in a situation that isn’t fulfilling and not secure. She wanted something more exclusive with you which you resisted and it all backfired when she started sleeping with other people. It just sounds like she’s deeply unhappy with your choice not to be exclusive even if it’s online dating for now. I don’t think your resistance was wrong at all. It’s a very wise choice. I also don’t think it’s unusual for her to be resentful and seek comfort from others or sleep with other men. It’s not ok to lie. She lied and that hurt you.

I think you’re deeply hurt and frustrated with the situation and confused why she’d behave like that. If anything this is really about how this ldr isn’t working for her. Maybe for you too. The other question to ask is now realizing she may be resentful and pulling away dealing with her emotions or sleeping with other men, is this something you’re okay with or can accept? Would you still continue to see her in the same way or does it affect the way you feel about her? 

Thanks for the efford put into this message. I gotta admit im an all or nothing guy if there are feelings involved, so i might be more difficult accepting stuff like that than most others. I think my problem is that im convinced her excuse to not control herself is not holding water, and no matter what i say, her view is not gonna change which really tickles my brain. Because imagine in 2025 a guy saying “its just something that happens” after “cheating” and admitting it wont be the last time it happens. That’s cancel-culture territory. And given who i am, im too deep in it to be able to accept it. Even if i pull the cord until her visit is nearing in, the jealousy meanwhile will be so strong that i dont know if i will end up not being able to do it.

[ShyViolet]

21 hours ago, Cheekycheekster8 said:

Anyway, to keep it simple and on track: can you be physically be unable to reject sex offers, if you DO claim that you want to reject them?

Anyone who says this is showing you loud and clear that they are not ready for a relationship.  It would be foolish to try and embark on a relationship with this person.  You will never be able to fully trust them.

And I don't care whether you want to hear this or not..... but I think it's ridiculous to think you have feelings for someone you have never met in person, let alone to think you are "dating" a person you have never met in person.  

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Cheekycheekster8 said:

Because imagine in 2025 a guy saying “its just something that happens” after “cheating” and admitting it wont be the last time it happens. That’s cancel-culture territory

The gender or time period isn't relevant. Nobody of sound mind would believe or accpet her excuse for a second. 

What is your dating history like? I am concerned that you even felt compelled to ask if her excuse could be legitimate. It makes me wonder if you had previously been quite lonely or striking out in romance. To attach yourself to this person to this extent is troubling. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Cheekycheekster8 said:

Thanks for the efford put into this message. I gotta admit im an all or nothing guy if there are feelings involved, so i might be more difficult accepting stuff like that than most others. I think my problem is that im convinced her excuse to not control herself is not holding water, and no matter what i say, her view is not gonna change which really tickles my brain. Because imagine in 2025 a guy saying “its just something that happens” after “cheating” and admitting it wont be the last time it happens. That’s cancel-culture territory. And given who i am, im too deep in it to be able to accept it. Even if i pull the cord until her visit is nearing in, the jealousy meanwhile will be so strong that i dont know if i will end up not being able to do it.

It sounds like you’re hoping for the best expecting the worst sort of thing. Sometimes all we can do is let things run its course. Maybe your heart hasn’t caught up with the logic your brain is figuring out yet because you already know what she’s doing isn’t congruent with the rest of the things she’s told you. And also I don’t think things are always so clear. I spent sooooo long figuring out what my limits were in relationships and spent more than half my life not being clear about what I need. Imo as an outsider I get the sense she’s figuring out what her needs are too.

All or nothing makes sense when you’re dating and then committed but that’s not the case here so as much as you hated what I said earlier about too much too soon (not meant to be condescending) it’s kinda rushed, ya know??

Maybe it’s time to be open and communicate how this makes you feel and step back sooner rather than later. It doesn’t mean it’s the end for both of you. It does mean stopping the clock and hitting pause or slowing things down while you haven’t met in person yet because the way things are going right now (to me anyway looking in) is hurtful to both of you. You both can always pick up again and try dating in person without the painful history you’re both creating here. Give it a better shot in person. And of course if your feelings change on either side in the meantime while you slow things down that’s fine too. What are your thoughts on this?

[Cheekycheekster8]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's the internet, dude. You'e not always going to get the replies you want or the manner of delivery you prefer. It's not worth stressing over. 

Anyway, hopefully you realize this woman is trying to pull the wool over your eyes in a serious way. She doesn't much respect you if she actually expects you believe she is "physically unable" to reject sex. 

You never really bought that, did you? I can't imagine you did. 

This being the internet doesnt make it okay. Did we come to a point where if something is wrong enough, we should just accept it? I’ve stated multiple times that i dont have a problem with different opinions to mine. In fact, i wrote this thread to figure out if im wrong or not. Thats all fine. But whats not fine is to be a dick about it. Unfortunately i see it everywhere on the internet. People get extremely intruding and opinionated when they hide behind a keyboard, when there is absolutely zero reason to do so. There are plenty of ways to get the message across without necessarily sounding aggressive.

Yeah, i guess you’re right. To be honest, her continuous excuse regarding being unable to reject offers pisses me off to the extend that im not even interested in that stuff, even tho its hard to let go when i miss what we had. But you’re right, it’s not gonna work. 

[Cheekycheekster8]

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Anyone who says this is showing you loud and clear that they are not ready for a relationship.  It would be foolish to try and embark on a relationship with this person.  You will never be able to fully trust them.

And I don't care whether you want to hear this or not..... but I think it's ridiculous to think you have feelings for someone you have never met in person, let alone to think you are "dating" a person you have never met in person.  

Regarding you last half of the message, what i mean is that you cant tell me what feelings i have. I had a serious long distance relationship before that lasted at least half a year, and it took me at least half a year to get over. So i dont need other people telling me how i feel, thats my point. But if your point is that you think its ridiculous not being strong enough to let her go, thats a fair statement and i agree. I can take challenging statements against how i handle my feelings.

Regarding your first half, i agree. In the end, i did come to the conclusion that im done with that. Right now im just trying to figure out whether i can stay friends and see her when she visits and moves.

[Cheekycheekster8]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The gender or time period isn't relevant. Nobody of sound mind would believe or accpet her excuse for a second. 

What is your dating history like? I am concerned that you even felt compelled to ask if her excuse could be legitimate. It makes me wonder if you had previously been quite lonely or striking out in romance. To attach yourself to this person to this extent is troubling. 

I dont agree gender is not relevant. Never have it been more relevant than right now. But that’s for another time, and i agree my statement would fit both genders. 
 

I had some tough teenage/early adult years. I was deep down a hole regarding getting myself out and taking chances. You’re right about your assumption. Its not until 3 years ago i turned my life around, and i came so far already. But its still difficult to take the last step, and i’ve been burned on the finish line a ridiculous amount of times now that its put deep scars to my soul. Im in my late twenties, and im still a virgin after all these “deals” or whatever you can call it. But yeah, i never believed her excuse really, but i put so much weight into building trust between us by trying to understand her, that i needed it confirmed loud and clear. She built this up so heavily that its hard to just let go that easily. She even hinted to buy bracelets that can connect to eachother and vibrate each time we think of eachother, which i did back away from. But its all these things that makes it hard when she keep on trying to show me how much she means it. To be honest, im not sure she didnt mean it. I just think she got some deeper personal stuff thats so hard for her to take serious and act on, and so she put it on me instead. But i dont know

[Cheekycheekster8]

6 hours ago, glows said:

It sounds like you’re hoping for the best expecting the worst sort of thing. Sometimes all we can do is let things run its course. Maybe your heart hasn’t caught up with the logic your brain is figuring out yet because you already know what she’s doing isn’t congruent with the rest of the things she’s told you. And also I don’t think things are always so clear. I spent sooooo long figuring out what my limits were in relationships and spent more than half my life not being clear about what I need. Imo as an outsider I get the sense she’s figuring out what her needs are too.

All or nothing makes sense when you’re dating and then committed but that’s not the case here so as much as you hated what I said earlier about too much too soon (not meant to be condescending) it’s kinda rushed, ya know??

Maybe it’s time to be open and communicate how this makes you feel and step back sooner rather than later. It doesn’t mean it’s the end for both of you. It does mean stopping the clock and hitting pause or slowing things down while you haven’t met in person yet because the way things are going right now (to me anyway looking in) is hurtful to both of you. You both can always pick up again and try dating in person without the painful history you’re both creating here. Give it a better shot in person. And of course if your feelings change on either side in the meantime while you slow things down that’s fine too. What are your thoughts on this?

Everything you said makes sense. And thank you for that efford, it really helps guiding me in the right directions when it comes to whats up and down, and what i need to do.

I tried opening up a few times, but everytime she refuse to admit that being unable to reject offers is not a thing. Kinda as if sheMs trying to convince me and herself its a handicap that i need to accept. Last night i took the chance and told her everything, and i said it without a filter while still trying to keep it wise, calm and be understanding. I told her i cant do this anymore and that im a support vending machine if she lets me be it, but it require her to let me in and be open and honest. All that stuff. I told her i asked on an anonymous thread whether her excuse is a legit thing it not, and that the replies confirmed my statement and that they were not as humble as im putting it to her. I know its a tough one on her, but i feel like i reached a point where she needs to know because its the truth, and i cant take it anymore. It sounded like she took it in. But at the same time, she started going mad and said she dont need other people (me) telling her her problems, followed by her hanging up. At this point, i see no way back because it seems like she wouldnt admit her excuse is a problem and not normal at the start, but after i spilled the beans she admits it, but at the same time she wont accept it somehow and turns it into a “im the bad guy for standing up to myself” thing. To me it seems like she is very confused about herself, but somehow still dont feel ready to open all up for me. How do you see this? Later same night, she called and she sounded way more balanced. We went through everything moving forward, and we came to the conclusion to let everything go, but she still wanna be friends. I still dont know if i can take that even, cuz i feel like she abused my heart and still wont admit that rejecting offers is a choice. I’m still processing that part

Edited March 23 by Cheekycheekster8

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Cheekycheekster8 said:

Regarding you last half of the message, what i mean is that you cant tell me what feelings i have. I had a serious long distance relationship before that lasted at least half a year, and it took me at least half a year to get over. So i dont need other people telling me how i feel, thats my point.

You had a serious long distance relationship that was half a year, I'm going to guess you never met that person in real life either?

I am not doubting that you honestly believe you have feelings for these people who you have never met in person.  What I'm saying is that it's not normal to think you're in an actual relationship with, or have feelings for, someone you've never met in person.  You have feelings for a fantasy of the person that you've built up in your head.  You can't possibly truly know a person deep enough when you've never spent time with them in real life.  So yes it's ridiculous to delude yourself into thinking that these are real relationships.  

Why do you keep pursuing relationships with these people who you are not spending time with in real life?  Why are you not dating in actual real life?

[Cheekycheekster8]

59 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You had a serious long distance relationship that was half a year, I'm going to guess you never met that person in real life either?

I am not doubting that you honestly believe you have feelings for these people who you have never met in person.  What I'm saying is that it's not normal to think you're in an actual relationship with, or have feelings for, someone you've never met in person.  You have feelings for a fantasy of the person that you've built up in your head.  You can't possibly truly know a person deep enough when you've never spent time with them in real life.  So yes it's ridiculous to delude yourself into thinking that these are real relationships.  

Why do you keep pursuing relationships with these people who you are not spending time with in real life?  Why are you not dating in actual real life?

Those two relations have been the only ones regarding the deeper stuff. It’s not something i do casually just for the heck of it. The first one was due to us clicking the way we did. We were supposed to meet just before we broke up, so we didnt make it. This current one wasnt what i would call a relationship, as i learned my lesson from the other one and didnt wanna commit fully yet. But what made me take the chance and let me pursue this one was that she’s visiting here anyway, and she was planning on moving here anyway too. So it felt like the “safest” opportunity of everything i’ve had going cuz it fit right in, if that makes sense. 

The reason why i haven’t pursued relationships with anyone i can meet right away, is a mix of loads of things. Some of them i answered in a previous reply. But mostly i went down a lonely hole my early teenagers and everything collapsed ever since, and i’ve been living in my own bubble my whole life, basically. Its not until 3 years ago i started turning it around, and i’ve come so far already, but its still all over again from an age thats in my late twenties. Thats a tough task, cuz the natural ways of meeting people is limited now, and i lost all social respect and authority, which makes it almost an impossible task to get back into socializing again - let alone getting girls on the hook so to speak, in the first place. That stuff has been way easier through dating apps. Not that it’s been easy at all (i put in a serious amount of energy, time and pain), cuz dating apps sucks, but considering what choices i had, i still had success (apart from actually meeting ofc). Im working on it, but meanwhile i’ve been “training” myself through dating apps and stuff. On one hand, it gave me scars to the soul; on the other hand, it taught me alot and pushed me to a place i haven’t even dared dreaming of for over a decade. If i had not been through the online dating world, i wouldn’t have the confidence today to even approach anyone. But im closing in now. 
 

Regarding your point about feelings, i still dont agree. I agree a good chunk of the way, and i don’t believe a second in long distance relationships at all unless the distance can change within a fairly decent time frame. But i dont agree you can say there is no such thing as having feelings for a person you havent met. The best friend i ever had was through dating too, believe it or not. She’s quite social and she never had a deeper friendship than with me. I was also very social as a kid and i was the popular one in my class, so i had lots of good friends. But i’ve never had a better friend than her. And now i’ve been through what i’ve been through and got deep feelings towards her too, although it’s completely different feelings than with relationship-potential girls of course. But never the less, they are true, genuine and deep rooted feelings. 

Edited March 23 by Cheekycheekster8

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Cheekycheekster8 said:

But i dont agree you can say there is no such thing as having feelings for a person you havent met. The best friend i ever had was through dating too, believe it or not. She’s quite social and she never had a deeper friendship than with me. I was also very social as a kid and i was the popular one in my class, so i had lots of good friends. But i’ve never had a better friend than her. And now i’ve been through what i’ve been through and got deep feelings towards her too, although it’s completely different feelings than with relationship-potential girls of course. But never the less, they are true, genuine and deep rooted feelings. 

Friendship and romance are two very different things. Friendship has no physical component and it is possible to be friends without meeting or even without talking much. You just need to know there is a person who understands you and can help you when you need it. So I do believe that it is theoretically possible to be good friends with someone you’ve never met, though even this is uncommon.

But romantic relationships are altogether a different beast. It is simply impossible to develop deep romantic feelings to a person you’ve never met, for the simple reason that deep romantic feelings develop on the basis of physical attraction, which is only possible when two people meet multiple times and pursue an actual physical relationship.

[glows]

13 hours ago, Cheekycheekster8 said:

Everything you said makes sense. And thank you for that efford, it really helps guiding me in the right directions when it comes to whats up and down, and what i need to do.

I tried opening up a few times, but everytime she refuse to admit that being unable to reject offers is not a thing. Kinda as if sheMs trying to convince me and herself its a handicap that i need to accept. Last night i took the chance and told her everything, and i said it without a filter while still trying to keep it wise, calm and be understanding. I told her i cant do this anymore and that im a support vending machine if she lets me be it, but it require her to let me in and be open and honest. All that stuff. I told her i asked on an anonymous thread whether her excuse is a legit thing it not, and that the replies confirmed my statement and that they were not as humble as im putting it to her. I know its a tough one on her, but i feel like i reached a point where she needs to know because its the truth, and i cant take it anymore. It sounded like she took it in. But at the same time, she started going mad and said she dont need other people (me) telling her her problems, followed by her hanging up. At this point, i see no way back because it seems like she wouldnt admit her excuse is a problem and not normal at the start, but after i spilled the beans she admits it, but at the same time she wont accept it somehow and turns it into a “im the bad guy for standing up to myself” thing. To me it seems like she is very confused about herself, but somehow still dont feel ready to open all up for me. How do you see this? Later same night, she called and she sounded way more balanced. We went through everything moving forward, and we came to the conclusion to let everything go, but she still wanna be friends. I still dont know if i can take that even, cuz i feel like she abused my heart and still wont admit that rejecting offers is a choice. I’m still processing that part

The problem is this connection is not even exclusive. You told her you don’t want to be exclusive yet and to wait. Even if she can’t be honest with herself and her choices, you aren’t honest with yourself either. This just isn’t an exclusive dating scenario even though it feels like it. I’m sure you care about each other very much. We warn individuals who come to the forum not having met their crushes that there’s potential for false intimacy. That means you’re creating a false sense of knowing the other person but in reality you haven’t seen the other person in real time with other people, how they think in person on their feet, how they interact with others, what your chemistry is like in person.

I think her reaction is predictable and anyone would be very upset to hear their issues aired on a public forum but maybe it’s also a wake up call for her and to stop lying to herself and lying to you. 

You’re not wrong for being irritated by her saying she can’t help herself having sex with other people because yes, it does sound like total bullocks to me. But after you both agreed not to be exclusive with one another this is arguing about milk that’s already gone sour. She could turn around and say so what? So what if she’s talking complete bs. Does it even matter? It doesn’t because you’re not in an exclusive relationship. 

Im just sorry that you both went about it this way. I tried to suggest to stop the clock and just hit pause for the time being, stop the talk about exclusivity and sex and oversharing TMI stuff. Just be fun and flirty friends. I think she’s instinctively realizing that it’s better as friends because this situation is wildly unsustainable. 

Black and white or all or nothing isn’t very healthy in relationships as there’s often a lot of gray and relationships take time to grow. If you feel this is just too much and you can’t trust her or don’t feel the same way about her anymore then that’s perfectly fine. It’s better though to make it a clean cut and move on with your life.

Being friends is fine too but there needs to be more boundaries. No more oversharing, no location sharing, dial back the acting like you’re in a relationship with constant daily life updates etc. Cut out the dependency on each other because it’s not healthy. Lead your own independent lives and then when the time is right and you live in the same area or she’s in town only then talk about potentially dating.

Edited March 24 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, Cheekycheekster8 said:

I dont agree gender is not relevant.

You misunderstand. I meant that gender is not relevant when it comes to who is making ridiculuous statements about being unable to refuse sex. It would be stupid coming out of the mouth of anyone. 

17 hours ago, Cheekycheekster8 said:

i’ve been burned on the finish line a ridiculous amount of times now that its put deep scars to my soul. Im in my late twenties, and im still a virgin after all these “deals” or whatever you can call it.

Can you elaborate more on this? What finish line and what deals are you referring to? Other women you have met online?