little_red Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I don't know what is wrong with me and I don't know what to do. Maybe someone on here can help? I am 22 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 years (since I was 15). He is my first and only lover and serious boyfriend. There is no doubt in my mind that I love him. He's my best friend and I don't want to do anything to harm that relationship. He is a really great guy and treats me like gold. We are planning on moving out when I graduate this year, which makes me feel horrible for having bad thoughts now. I question whether or not I am "in" love with him. I don't think about him nearly as much as I think I should or used to, I don't have the urge to phone him or be close to him sexually. I do have lots of fun with him, but I'm not sure of exactly what I want. I've never really been single. For a couple of years I fantasize about being without a boyfriend and being able to do my own thing, which I thought was normal, but now these feelings are getting stronger. I feel like I really want my independence to do what I want. Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend is more of a father than a boyfriend in the way he is more of the boss and authoritative figure, and it would be nice to have some freedoms. I talked to him about many of these things on New Years Day and suggested that maybe we should take a small break so I can have some time for myself. He didn't like that idea at all, so we agreed to try to work on things. Thing is, I don't know how to work on making myself think more about him or be more sexually attracted to him. I'm never the initiator of sex with him, even though I still have a sex drive. Do all relationships after a while end up this way? I don't know if anyone on here has been in my situation. I don't want to hurt him. What's wrong with me? What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
FWIW Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 From reading these forums it seems to be a very common thing with young ladies in their early twenties who have been with their first love since mid-teens. Someone else may be able to give you good advice, all I can say is it's NOT unusual, you feel you need to live a bit and sample life before settling down - maybe it's the female equivilant of a sort of midlife crisis. So.. dump a good relationship, or forever wonder what you've missed. Tough choice, huh? Only you can work out for yourself just how good your relationship is, and whether it's worth risking it for someone better, perhaps worse, perhaps never as good again, perhaps WAY better... who knows? How much would you regret leaving? How much would you regret NOT leaving? Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Jey Dey Dey Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I met him when I was 19, dated/lived together for 4 years and I too began feeling the same thing. I wanted to date, to kiss someone else, I wasn't sure but I knew he was a great guy and that I loved him. I asked him if we took a break and I dated someone else would he take me back. He said no. I wanted to go out and date and know that I could come back. I didn't want to break his heart so I stayed. One year later, after he lost his bestfriend/nephew he started going to the bar with his friends from work. I found out he was talking to some one. I knew something was up but he wouldn't tell me, I never thought he'd cheat. He couldnt bring himself to tell me so when I called the girl picked up she told me. Than he got on the phone and said he had been seing her for a month. I cried, my body shook, I couldn't breathe, my hear was going to pop out of my chest. That night I packed all my things, called my friend and had her pick me up. He didn't beleive me that I had really left so he came home. He called my cell and we both cried and cried the entire ride. It's been five months now and I did the wrong things. Right after it happened I called him, I begged, I pleaded, I cried. He said he wasn't ready. To give it time. That he was so sorry. Throughout the five mos he has called, come over, and said he is miserable, confused, that he loves me, misses me, that he wishes he had never gone to the bar, he complains about her and knows there isn't a future with her but he hasn't actually ended it or asked for a second chance. I dated and slept with people before I met him. He didn't, I was his first everything so now that this has happened, even though I never thought I'd be the type, I kinda sorta understand that he needs his time. He needs to go out and see what it's like with other people and if this is the cunt he chose it's better that its her and not some one who is actually decent. I believe in our love and what we had. When we hook up, he says I'll be his wife, like a silent whispered after thought that sometimes I don't think he realizes. Take a break. You've had him for seven years, that's all you've had, people always want something else other than what they know they have. Try a vacation, a get away with your girls or with him. You think you're missing out on something but you're not. Logically you know this but you won't be convinced until you get out there. Ask for a break and make it clear it's for you, and date, don't lie to him but don't brag about it and don't sleep with anyone. That would taint your seven years together. I think long term relationships really test the relationship over time and the people. Who knows maybe this is what you need. It will either make you stronger or realize it's now what you thought. I say go for it or you'll always wonder about it and that will bring problems with it also. No human being is stong enough, no matter all the logic to take that feeling away of wondering what it would be like to date, to be free, even if for just a lil bit. I think seven years is strong, I think his love for you is strong, and althought it will hurt him, I think once you're done, you'll come back and you two will be stronger for it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 You're so young and I think inside your heart you're wondering what else is out there. I know you love him and want to be sure, but it is okay to think about the "what's ifs" right now. Be honest and tell him how you feel. It has nothing to do with what he has or hasn't done for you, it's just you've been with him since you were 15, that is a long time. You haven't gained any other experience but him. And that is OK, I just worry at some point in life you may always wonder too, what could have been... Only you know what is best for you. Don't let him pressure you into staying with him if you really aren't sure. And just on a good note, I know of a couple who dated for many years while younger...Broke up and then after University found their way back and they've been together for 14 years, have 2 children. Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 I knew a couple like that too... Dated from age 15 to 20. Then broke up. Years later, they found each other again. He was divorced and she was in the process of breaking up with her serious boyfriend. They ended up married in their early thirties. So you may explore the world and come back to your boyfriend. Or you may meet someone new who rocks your world the way he never did. Or you may realize your boyfriend was the best thing you ever had, but it's too late to come back by the time you realize it. Making choices always involves risk, so there's no easy answer. Link to post Share on other sites
h0pefull Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 I'm going throught the same thing. Been together since she was 16 and I was 22. Now I'm 31 and shes 25. Married for 2 years. She wants to be on her own and experience the single life. It hurts but make your desicion now before your in so deep that you feel trapped. This is my first post when I post my story I'll give ya a link to see the otherside of it or possibly what could happen depending on the choice you make. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 The other thing about starting life together so young is each of you don't get to experience freedom, and living life, learning how to be independent, self efficient. It may not always have to do with another man! It's something people realize and think to themselves, 'could I make it on my own without any help'. Being self efficient and knowing you can make it alone is important. Just another angle to look at this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
h0pefull Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Here is my problem. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=678969#post678969 Link to post Share on other sites
kitkat. Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Hi Just to say i sympathise and am in a similar situation at the moment. He's my first boyfriend (although I am in my mid 20's) and care deeply for each other. I started having these feelings about wanting to date other people last summer. They got more and more persistent around this autumn and made worse by some troubles we've been having in our relationship, and the fact we've been doing long distance for a couple of years. I asked repeatedly for a break over the autumn and explained the situation. He was fairly sympathetic but repeadly said 'no' to the break. I don't know if I had hoped to see other people during that period or not - but I told him that I was struggling with very similar issues to what has been brought up here. Eventually, I cheated by sleeping with another guy once in Dec. I regret it hugely in terms of what it means for my relationship (although rightly or wrongly, I've decided not to tell him). We are finally on a break but the damage is done and my feelings are still confused. I guess what I am saying is these feelings may not go away. Try not to let it get too far where you end up compromising your standards - its not definitely not fair on him and believe me, its not good for your head or heart either - I'm still shocked by the whole thing. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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