Marriage

[Taffy]

This may be stupid but I need to know. What is marraigae really supposed to be like. Sometimes I think I'm unrealialist about my expectations. But when someone proposes to you and tells you things that are what you want in life and than three months after you marry them they take it all back. What's a person supposed to do? The funny thing is. All I've ever asked from him is to be treated like I treat him. Is that asking too much?

[shanti]

Taffy,

 

I am sorry to hear that you´re going through rought times. It´s a bit difficult to respond to you, since you don´t give any specifics about your problems, but I can definitely feel the pain in the few lines you have written...

 

I know what it feels like to put your life in someone´s hands, let them in, trust them, just to have them throw it back in your face.

 

I am married (although separated for 8 months now) and never in my wildest dreams could I have expected to be betrayed and disappointed in the way I was. The thing is, it takes a really long time to get to know someone-even after a few years of knowing someone, there´s always more to know...

 

Perhaps you didn´t take the time to find out who he TRULY was... Did you rush into things with him??

 

Of course you should be able to be treated well.. I don´t know about expecting things from your partner..I don´t really believe in expecting things from people..however, you should definitely be able to expect that he treats you with the utmost of respect!!

 

Tell us, what was it that he took back? as you mentioned

 

I really hope things work out for you. I know it´s truly devastating when you go so far as to marry someone, and that does not work out. It´s hard to accept-but life isn´t as clearcut as one may have thought at one point...

 

Just remember to be strong and take charge of your problems. Communicate to him what it is that you like and dislike. if there are things about him that you cannot accept-then you may be better off without him. But if they are small things, that can be worked out-remember to be generous and compromising..

 

Best of luck to you

This may be stupid but I need to know. What is marraigae really supposed to be like. Sometimes I think I'm unrealialist about my expectations. But when someone proposes to you and tells you things that are what you want in life and than three months after you marry them they take it all back. What's a person supposed to do? The funny thing is. All I've ever asked from him is to be treated like I treat him. Is that asking too much?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: ". But when someone proposes to you and tells you things that are what you want in life and than three months after you marry them they take it all back."

 

That is fraud, misrepresentation and breach of contract, even though oral and rather implied. He married you under false pretenses. In a court of law, a contract entered into where there is no meeting of the minds is not valid. Therefore, in my opinion, you marriage contract is not valid, not binding and unenforceable. An attorney could have your marriage annulled on those grounds.

 

2. "What's a person supposed to do?"

 

If you talk to him and ask him to start living up to his promises and agreements and he does not even try, you either put up with the contract violations or you sue for divorce. If he is sane and reasonable, maybe there's some way he can recall what he said and try to make you happy. There may be a possiblity that he loves you and wants to make you happy.

 

3. "The funny thing is. All I've ever asked from him is to be treated like I treat him. Is that asking too much?"

 

No, that's not asking too much, unless you are treating him way way too good. It is not asking too much for him to treat you kindly with respect and understanding. If he won't do that or you think he is not capable, you have been had. He is a fraud and a crook. Get away from him.

 

First give him a chance to treat you properly. A man who starts treating you unkindly or breaching his promises this soon after marriage is not likely to be able to make long term changes to suit you but do give him the chance.

[Marzipan]

I've never been married but I do know that marriage is something not to be taken lightly. Sometimes guys can get scared or they don't think, etc. I think that above all, there should be a shared respect for eachother and it sounds like you are not getting that. I also think that sometimes after marriage people turn out to be different. Everybody has all these notions about what they want their marriage to be like when they do that but in the end it's always different. I do think that marriage is different for everybody, the best thing is to decide if you want to stay in the m marriage or not. Everybody has second thoughts about being married, you wouldn't be human if you didn't. If you don't think you are getting what you need out of the relationship then I think it's time to sit down and talk to your husband, be honest with eachother because you did pledge to do that above all else.

 

I hope that helps. I know it wasn't much but it is my opinion on the matter anyway. Good luck, and remember to talk things out before you let them get worse.

This may be stupid but I need to know. What is marraigae really supposed to be like. Sometimes I think I'm unrealialist about my expectations. But when someone proposes to you and tells you things that are what you want in life and than three months after you marry them they take it all back. What's a person supposed to do? The funny thing is. All I've ever asked from him is to be treated like I treat him. Is that asking too much?

[quankanne]

sounds like your husband did a good job with "campaign promises" to win you over, I think everyone tries to present themselves in the best possible light when it comes to attracting a partner. It's not necessarily bad, but you need to keep in mind that marriage changes the playing field, and it's going to take time to adjust, even when the couple involved seem to be the best of friends. Remember, you're trying to meld two completely different lifestyles into one that both of you can handle ...

 

you don't say if there are serious problems in your marriage (abuse, etc.), so I am guessing that it's more of a surprise than anything else, to find that he's not the person you thought he was. Do you honestly feel that he's a good-hearted person, someone you can see yourself continuing a relationship with even though it means guiding him, showing him how you'd like to be treated? Or is this the kind of person you need to immediately get away from?

[Taffy]

sounds like your husband did a good job with "campaign promises" to win you over, I think everyone tries to present themselves in the best possible light when it comes to attracting a partner. It's not necessarily bad, but you need to keep in mind that marriage changes the playing field, and it's going to take time to adjust, even when the couple involved seem to be the best of friends. Remember, you're trying to meld two completely different lifestyles into one that both of you can handle ... you don't say if there are serious problems in your marriage (abuse, etc.), so I am guessing that it's more of a surprise than anything else, to find that he's not the person you thought he was. Do you honestly feel that he's a good-hearted person, someone you can see yourself continuing a relationship with even though it means guiding him, showing him how you'd like to be treated? Or is this the kind of person you need to immediately get away from?

He is a good hearted person to just about everybody else but me and my sons most of the time. And yes, I'm trying like hell to show him what a real marriage should be like. I think it's the fact that he refuses to beleave in me that hurts the most. His words not mine are "I've been screwed once to often and it's going to take a long time for me to believe in anyone." Even though I've always put him above everybodys else needs and wants since I've known him. It just doesn't make a difference. I really don't believe in divorce unless someone breaks whats writen in the bible not to do. My last marriage of 21 years ended because of him commenting adultery. Now he regrets it big time and would like to see us back together but that't never going to happen because I refuse to come in second best to anyone. And also I just can't believe in him not to do it again. No, I still do not have feelings for my first husband other than he's the father of my sons. Who knows, you may be right, I'll just have to be more understanding and see what happens in the future.

[Taffy]

Taffy, I am sorry to hear that you´re going through rought times. It´s a bit difficult to respond to you, since you don´t give any specifics about your problems, but I can definitely feel the pain in the few lines you have written... I know what it feels like to put your life in someone´s hands, let them in, trust them, just to have them throw it back in your face. I am married (although separated for 8 months now) and never in my wildest dreams could I have expected to be betrayed and disappointed in the way I was. The thing is, it takes a really long time to get to know someone-even after a few years of knowing someone, there´s always more to know...

 

Perhaps you didn´t take the time to find out who he TRULY was... Did you rush into things with him?? Of course you should be able to be treated well.. I don´t know about expecting things from your partner..I don´t really believe in expecting things from people..however, you should definitely be able to expect that he treats you with the utmost of respect!! Tell us, what was it that he took back? as you mentioned I really hope things work out for you. I know it´s truly devastating when you go so far as to marry someone, and that does not work out. It´s hard to accept-but life isn´t as clearcut as one may have thought at one point... Just remember to be strong and take charge of your problems. Communicate to him what it is that you like and dislike. if there are things about him that you cannot accept-then you may be better off without him. But if they are small things, that can be worked out-remember to be generous and compromising.. Best of luck to you

When he proposed to me I'd already told him what I expected out of a relationship and he told me what he wanted in one too. I've always showed him the respect I think he deserved. And have no problem in giving him what he wanted in a relationship. Since I meet him three years ago I've always taken care of all his wants and needs. I've never asked him for anything but his love and respect. The only thing he seems capiable of is maybe the love part. Sometimes I'm not to sure. His exwife was a very domaneering type and he let her run over him because of being afraid that she'd take his son and run. Once he had enough, he got a divorce and fought for custody of his son and got it. Now he uses what she did to him against me. I'm nothing like his ex and never will be. I was raised in a family where my Dad put my Mom first in everything and he took care of us until his dieing day. My husband knew that's what I was looking for in a man and he basically agreed that thats what he was welling to do. I'm not talking financally wise. I'm talking emotionally wise. I've always worked and I don't need that kind of support.

 

I was previously married for 21 years and went thru alot of things that I told myself I'd never do again. I don't beleive in divorce unless someone breaks there marriage vows. My ex commented adultery. That was the last straw for me. Now he regrets it big time and would like to get back together but thier is just nothing left and I don't want too. I enjoy married life. I like taking care of a family. I have two sons from my previous marriage and would like to be able too combine us all in one big family but my husband now will not let that happen. So I'm forced into living to different lifes. One with my husband and his son and one with my sons and thier wifes and children. I found out three months after we married by his Dad that he had a problem with my sons. I don't understand why he didn't tell me before we got married. You know I've never ask him for anything for my sons other than to let me have him as a sounding board when they do something stupid so that I have someone who will listen maybe make an sujection on how they would solve the problem but just basically be there for me weither they agree with me or not. His words not mine are "No I'm not going to do that. I don't want to talk about them at all."

 

I'm trying like hell to hang on and show him what a real marriage is supposed to be like. I hope I can get thru to him soon. I've never had to deal with anything like this before. I've always been able to at least talk things thru but with him it doesn't seem like a option.

[Taffy]

YOU ASK: ". But when someone proposes to you and tells you things that are what you want in life and than three months after you marry them they take it all back." That is fraud, misrepresentation and breach of contract, even though oral and rather implied. He married you under false pretenses. In a court of law, a contract entered into where there is no meeting of the minds is not valid. Therefore, in my opinion, you marriage contract is not valid, not binding and unenforceable. An attorney could have your marriage annulled on those grounds.

 

2. "What's a person supposed to do?"

 

If you talk to him and ask him to start living up to his promises and agreements and he does not even try, you either put up with the contract violations or you sue for divorce. If he is sane and reasonable, maybe there's some way he can recall what he said and try to make you happy. There may be a possiblity that he loves you and wants to make you happy. 3. "The funny thing is. All I've ever asked from him is to be treated like I treat him. Is that asking too much?" No, that's not asking too much, unless you are treating him way way too good. It is not asking too much for him to treat you kindly with respect and understanding. If he won't do that or you think he is not capable, you have been had. He is a fraud and a crook. Get away from him. First give him a chance to treat you properly. A man who starts treating you unkindly or breaching his promises this soon after marriage is not likely to be able to make long term changes to suit you but do give him the chance.

Tony,

 

Thanks for the advice. And yes I do treat him way to good most of the time. He goes to work and brags about it I've been told. I've tried talking to him about the way he treats me maybe it will get thru before it's to late. I don't believe in divorce unless someone breaks their marriage vows and he knows that. You marry for better of worse and sometimes I realise you get just that. I just want him to treat me better and with alot more respect. Hopefully that will happen soon. He's getting me to the point where I just don't care anymore and that's sad because I do love him with all my heart.

[Taffy]

I've never been married but I do know that marriage is something not to be taken lightly. Sometimes guys can get scared or they don't think, etc. I think that above all, there should be a shared respect for eachother and it sounds like you are not getting that. I also think that sometimes after marriage people turn out to be different. Everybody has all these notions about what they want their marriage to be like when they do that but in the end it's always different. I do think that marriage is different for everybody, the best thing is to decide if you want to stay in the m marriage or not. Everybody has second thoughts about being married, you wouldn't be human if you didn't. If you don't think you are getting what you need out of the relationship then I think it's time to sit down and talk to your husband, be honest with eachother because you did pledge to do that above all else. I hope that helps. I know it wasn't much but it is my opinion on the matter anyway. Good luck, and remember to talk things out before you let them get worse.

Thanks for your input. I just needed to hear it from someone else. Taffy

[quankanne]

He is a good hearted person to just about everybody else but me and my sons most of the time. And yes, I'm trying like hell to show him what a real marriage should be like. I think it's the fact that he refuses to beleave in me that hurts the most. His words not mine are "I've been screwed once to often and it's going to take a long time for me to believe in anyone."

ahhh, I think I know where you are coming from Taffy: I'm wife #3, and I've had to put up with a lot of garbage from my husband because even though he knew I loved him dearly, and pretty much treated him how I wanted to be treated, he still had it in his head that I would end up behaving like the first two wives. What helped us was a Marriage Encounter weekend offered by the church. LOL, I don't think that it gave him any better of an understanding of the Catholic church, but it DID show him how I came to believe as I do, why I value marriage the way I have, and why I stuck with him all that time.

 

It sounds like even as he wants to be in this relationship with a loving partner, he is afraid to get too close for fear of getting hurt by you, if that makes any sense. Which is why he tells others how good you are to him, but refuses to believe it himself, or maybe even why he doesn't want to be close to your children (you'd mentioned in a previous post that he had problems with the ex concerning his own child).

 

It's going to take awhile for it to sink into his man-brain that you really and truly do love him, and that you are committed to this marriage. Just keep talking to him about how you feel (non-threateningly as possible), and continue showing him in your own little ways just how much he means to you. Yeah, it's going out on a limb, but the rewards are bountiful when he realizes how blessed he is to have you.

 

Meanwhile, if you can get some kind of intervention (church or professional counseling, a Marriage Encounter weekend – something), even better.

 

Good luck, and keep me updated ...

[Taffy]

ahhh, I think I know where you are coming from Taffy: I'm wife #3, and I've had to put up with a lot of garbage from my husband because even though he knew I loved him dearly, and pretty much treated him how I wanted to be treated, he still had it in his head that I would end up behaving like the first two wives. What helped us was a Marriage Encounter weekend offered by the church. LOL, I don't think that it gave him any better of an understanding of the Catholic church, but it DID show him how I came to believe as I do, why I value marriage the way I have, and why I stuck with him all that time. It sounds like even as he wants to be in this relationship with a loving partner, he is afraid to get too close for fear of getting hurt by you, if that makes any sense. Which is why he tells others how good you are to him, but refuses to believe it himself, or maybe even why he doesn't want to be close to your children (you'd mentioned in a previous post that he had problems with the ex concerning his own child). It's going to take awhile for it to sink into his man-brain that you really and truly do love him, and that you are committed to this marriage. Just keep talking to him about how you feel (non-threateningly as possible), and continue showing him in your own little ways just how much he means to you. Yeah, it's going out on a limb, but the rewards are bountiful when he realizes how blessed he is to have you. Meanwhile, if you can get some kind of intervention (church or professional counseling, a Marriage Encounter weekend -- something), even better. Good luck, and keep me updated ...

Dear Quankanne,

 

Thanks for the input. I just needed to hear it from someone else that I wasn't wasting my time. You know a person can take only so much rejection before they have to stop letting themselves be hurt all the time. I love this man more than life itself and I just wish he could believe in that. Sometimes you just need to step back and look at the big pictures as my husband says.

 

If I can help you out in anyway please feel free to write me.

 

Taffy

[quankanne]

You know a person can take only so much rejection before they have to stop letting themselves be hurt all the time. I love this man more than life itself and I just wish he could believe in that.

you've made some very valid points there ... tell your husband this, too. Maybe it will help open his eyes to how you feel about his rejection.

 

and thanks for the offer to talk, I do appreciate it.

 

quank