Separated for 10 years, but will not divorce his wife

[Marlene1]

Hello everyone,

Forgive me for the long story but I have to provide at least a little background in the hopes of getting some insight. About 25 years ago I met a man, W, (I was 26, he was 29 at that time, now I am 50 he is 52). We dated for about 7 years back then and then I left him. Reason was he was not ambitious with his life at all, bad with money, could not hold a job, and generally irresponsible. He was very loving and attentive and we had a good relationship otherwise. But I was very driven towards a career and he was not on the same page as me. At that time he would tell me he wanted to get married and have kidsm but I just could not see it.

In the meantime, in the last 17 years, I got married (no kids), and divorced my husband in December 2023. The relationship was unhealthy, with him cheating on me a number of times. W also got married, and had two daughters (now ages 11 and 13). Throughout the years after I left him he would reach out occassionally but nothing ever happened between us. There were times I never even responded. In August 2023, literally the day after I asked my ex husband for a divorce after a huge fight, W sent me an email asking me if I was Ok because he had a bad dream about me the night before. To make a long story short, we got back together right after my divorce which happened in December 2023. He explained to me that he was separated, that his wife was a cheater, she hit him several times in the marriage, and he caught her shaking one of the children when she was a baby. So, he told me they reached the conclusion that they would separate and he would take the kids. And they did. He moved in with his father and then got into another 7 year relationship with another woman. They broke up a couple months prior to him reaching out to me in August of 2023. He has always told me I am the love of his life, he pined for me, he loves me, blah blah blah. Well, for the last year I have been pushing him to get a divorce. He explained that he never did when his girls were younger because he was afraid their mother might take them. Their mother is 40 years old, always unemployed, has been arrested several times, lives with a roomate because she cannot afford to live on her own, does not own a car or drive. I cannot see her ever being granted her children. But in any case, I heard this excuse from him. So, for the last year I have been asking him to go get a default divorce. Which basically he files, she does not respond, (apparently he told me he tried this before), and then the court grants the divorce after 60 days I believe. The girls are old enough now to decide what parent to live with anyway if it came to that, but he still will not do it. When I ask him why he said he just procrastinates and doesn't know why. That in his mind he is already divorced, he has nothing to do with her, wants nothing to do with her, and what difference does it make to me? 

Well, today we had another fight about it, and I am not talking to him since this morning. He has not called me either. He texted a couple times but that's it. I told him I am taking a step away for now.I told him that he should be honest with himself and me, and that the reason he is not getting a divorce is because he doesn't want to. It is more important to him to be married to a woman he supposedly hates than to take my feelings into consideration. To respect me and our relationship enough to get a divorce. And, apparently, he told me once, that this was an issue in his previous relationship also. That his ex girlfriend was bothered by him being married. I told him that his wife has a strong hold on him and that he should call a spade a spade, and go back to her. That I am nothing to him.

He got upset with me and told me that I mean a lot to him. But again, said nothing about getting divorced. I believe he has feelings for her and might be holding out until they rekindle?  I have no odea what to think. But I am emotionally depleted. Please give me some advice.

Thank you,

 

 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Marlene1 said:

And, apparently, he told me once, that this was an issue in his previous relationship also.

Of course it was. Who wants to date a man who is married to another woman and too lazy to file for divorce? Not me. 

Divorce will be an expense for him. Perhaps that is the reason why he is dragging his heels… I highly doubt that he is hoping to get back with the woman, based on what you have described. My guess is that this has a lot to do with finances and personality…

He is clearly fine with the way things are - if he wasn’t, he would have dealt with this long ago… What’s more, he let one woman walk away after a seven year relationship rather than deal with the legalities of hai marriage… you should not expect anything different. 

Edited April 1 by BaileyB

[Marlene1]

Thank you for the insight. I should also mention that I have a great relationship with his girls. However, if the last several months I have pulled away significantly. 

Also, regarding the finances of a divorce, I highly doubt she would pursue any legal. She is completely broke, has a warrant out for her arrest currently (she failed to appear for a court date twice and was issued a bench warrant), she has nothing to offer those children. This divorce (I assume) would happen fairly quickly. 

We talked earlier and he said that I should not worry about silly things like this, that she is toxic and a horrible person and he wants nothing to do with her. My response to him was "if she is so toxic then why are you still married?" 

My ex husband was toxic and I was divorced in 60 days. It's not that hard. But how can I believe what he says when his actions don't support his words? I love him and want to stay with him, but I feel like he is stalling and really does not want a divorce.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Marlene1 said:

We talked earlier and he said that I should not worry about silly things like this, that she is toxic and a horrible person and he wants nothing to do with her.

...except to remain her husband. 

He could divorce if he watned to. He does not want to. You have had this conversation before. He continues to stay married to her, and seems to have no intention of changing that. 

I would read the writing on this wall, personally. 

[smackie9]

This guy had a history of having no job, no ambition, etc...well he's that same guy. 

[Marlene1]

Do you think he still has feelings for her and is lying to me about those feelings?  Hoping that one day they might get back together even though they both hate one another? Or is this just his lazy, procrastinating  personality and out of sight out of mind type of thing? His daughters don't really like her either, and they hate going over to see her. They see her every couple of months, and they hate it.

Edited April 1 by Marlene1

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Marlene1 said:

Do you think he still has feelings for her and is lying to me about those feelings?  Hoping that one day they might get back together even though they both hate one another? Or is this just his lazy, procrastinating  personality and out of sight out of mind type of thing? 

Only he knows the answer to this.  Truth is, the only thing you can know for sure is what *you* want, and you should make decisions in your life to propel you in that direction.  

Now, this guy has already lost one girlfriend because he won't get a divorce, and the two of you are almost broken up as well.   It's well past time for you to recognise that he's not going to divorce.

[introverted1]

Does he have a job now?  Could he be worried he'd be ordered to pay alimony to his wife seeing as she is unemployed? 

[Marlene1]

Yes, he does have a job now. He's been at the same job for two years now. The thing is when I ask him why he's not getting a divorce, he has no answer. At first he would tell me that he is afraid she might try to take his kids from him. The truth is, she has verbalized this many times, to him and directly to the girls. She even said it this past weekend to the kids when they visited her. I heard his oldest daughter saying that "mom told us she was going to get some money to get an apartment and that we are going to live with her".

So, could that be somewhere in the back of his mind? Perhaps. But again, she has an arrest record, an active arrest warrant, no job, no money, nowhere to live independently, no car, nothing. And a history of abuse towards W and possible towards one of the children. How can he possible be afraid that any judge would award this woman custody? 

And no matter what, if this is something that is important to me, regardless of how he feels about it, I think he should do it. He told me today to be patient (his father has been in the hospital since Friday and he is his only surviving parent at this point). As I am writing this out, I am realizing that maybe my timing with this was terrible.

Thoughts?

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Marlene1 said:

As I am writing this out, I am realizing that maybe my timing with this was terrible.

How many years has he had to file for divorce now? At least eight - 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Does he have a job now?  Could he be worried he'd be ordered to pay alimony to his wife seeing as she is unemployed? 

Do they own a home? Does he have any savings or pension? These assets would be considered joint - he may owe her more than alimony…

[MsJayne]

My advice is, never trust someone who makes stupid decisions. He's making a decision not to divorce his toxic wife, he doesn't care that this diminishes you and undermines your relationship, he doesn't care that his daughters deserve the stability that you could offer them as a step-parent. He's still the same loser that you dated years ago, and he's lying about his reasons, he knows very well why he doesn't want to divorce. That's how he ended up married to another loser, they're both full of s**t. I think if you keep this guy in your life you'll end up regretting it when his toxic BS overflows into your life, (in fact, it already is). 

[Marlene1]

They own nothing together. She is completely broke and he lives paycheck to paycheck. He lives with his two daughters with his 89 year old father. He has no savings, no pension, nothing that she could claim. 

They were together for 4 years while married, and now married but separated for 10 years, going on the 11th year. I know she is out of her mind and unstable. I have witnessed her behavior. I just don't understand how he can allow his marriage to this woman destroy every good and healthy relationship he can have with another woman like me. I think his ex girlfriend was pretty decent too, but she gave up on him after 7 years. I simply don't know what his motives are.

And you are correct, they deserve each other, two peas in a pod.

I am in a totally different place in my life, I own my own business, I am successful, I own a nice home, etc. This is what I don't understand.

But maybe some people are attracted to toxic so he is attracted to her. I guess.. like I am attracted to him?

I may have romantisized this too much:  My returning love from years back, finds me in the perfect time, right when I'm divorced etc. Weird.

 

Edited April 2 by Marlene1

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Marlene1 said:

I just don't understand how he can allow his marriage to this woman destroy every good and healthy relationship he can have with another woman like me

Is it truly a good and healthy relationship if he won't divorce his ex and refuses to talk about it?

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, Marlene1 said:

I own my own business, I am successful, I own a nice home, etc.

Keep it that way  .  Keeping an ex-partner from a toxic relationship in the picture, even at a distance, is a tactic used to make a new partner feel insecure and inadequate in order to maintain control of them. It's a form of emotional abuse. You're being devalued, and then stonewalled when you get justifiably upset. You're feeding this under-achiever's broken ego every time you, (successful, capable, independent, intelligent), argue over this with him, (unsuccessful, dependent on his dad, lazy, manipulative, self-centered). You should actually be really angry, he's taking you for a simpleton. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Marlene1 said:

may have romantisized this too much:  My returning love from years back, finds me in the perfect time, right when I'm divorced etc. Weird.

Bingo. 

You were nostalgic but the present reality is that he refuses to divorce an apparently toxic woman who wouldn't have any claim to his essentially non-existent assets anyway. That speaks volumes about him.

I wouldn't continue the relationship. He is not where you are in life, and not where you are emotionally. 

[Marlene1]

The sad part is I do love him. And he has two daughters, so you would think he would treat me a little better. How will he feel is something like this happens to one of his daughter's one day? A man who completely disregards her feelings? 

The way I see it there are only two reasons why he is not getting a divorce: 1. He is completly and utterly lazy and doesn't want to deal with it, and 2. He still has feelings for her and hopes to one day get back together.

Either way he is not being honest with me or even with himself. 

I know that I need to leave him. Again.

Sad how some people are never inspired to change.

 

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, Marlene1 said:

How will he feel is something like this happens to one of his daughter's one day? A man who completely disregards her feelings? 

He'll probably feel the same way he does towards you, because it appears other peoples feelings aren't important to him. A person without empathy is lacking a vital cog. May I ask what sort of offences his ex committed? I'm asking because I'm wondering whether, in the past, he's been involved in some way and he lives with the fear that she might throw him under the bus if he rattles her cage, like, for instance, divorcing her. Just a thought  . 

[smackie9]

Girl you got it going on....You can do waaaaaaay better. when you introduce a guy like that into your life, he would take you down with him. You have worked way too hard to gamble your hard earned life away on this twit. The way his life is, is who he is as a person. Toxic, messed up, poor choices, lazy. 

[Acacia98]

19 hours ago, MsJayne said:

My advice is, never trust someone who makes stupid decisions. 

This is excellent advice.

OP, I hope you take it. It's been my guide for some time now, and it's saved me from a lot of problems.

[Marlene1]

Thank you so much for all this advice. To be honest, I did not expect anyone to tell me to stay. I think I am looking for confirmation to something I already know.

Regarding his wife's offenses, all I know is this: She was accused of stealing a car when she drove for a driving service. She never returned it. She also got arrested for assault I believe. One of those she did not appear for her court date and got a bench warrant. It is still currently active and it has no bail or bond so she will stay in jail until her case is in front of a judge.

W was in a 7 year relationship with a decent woman prior to us getting back together. His wife called her a year ago blasting her calling her all sorts of names on the phone. Out of nowhere. He did nothing then either.

I had a thought today:  That he does not know how to be in a healthy relationship. He prefers to be married to a toxic woman (and maybe hopes to get back to her someday) because she has no expectations or standards. I do. Maybe his ex girlfriend did to. Maybe women who ask him to put some work in the relationship are asking him for too much, and something he is not willing to give. He doesn't see my value or my worth, and sadly, I have allowed that by accepting him back without him earning me back. I was too easy. 

I do not believe his words at all at this point. All he says is how much he loves me, that he waited so long to have me back, blah, blah,blah. I think he loves the perks and the convenience of me, not me as a person. If he did, he would work a lot harder to keep me.

I guess I know what I need to do. It's still sad... Yet another mistake I have made.

 

 

[MsJayne]

23 minutes ago, Marlene1 said:

Yet another mistake I have made.

Don't be hard on yourself. Wanting to meet a partner and have a nice relationship isn't a mistake. Refusing to smell the BS, that would be a mistake. 

[Ami1uwant]

On 4/1/2025 at 3:28 PM, Marlene1 said:

Do you think he still has feelings for her and is lying to me about those feelings?  Hoping that one day they might get back together even though they both hate one another? Or is this just his lazy, procrastinating  personality and out of sight out of mind type of thing? His daughters don't really like her either, and they hate going over to see her. They see her every couple of months, and they hate it.

Yes, anyone you had a relationship with you have some level of feelings for them unless they did something bad.  Thst does not mean he wants to get back with her.

 

some might still be married because of health insurance reasons and thr kids are still children.

 

unsure where you live, but in the us some ststes have dissolution of marriage which is pretty cheap and easy and can be done by just one attorney.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/2/2025 at 10:18 PM, Marlene1 said:

All he says is how much he loves me, that he waited so long to have me back, blah, blah,blah

Meh, it's hot air. His idea of "love" is warped. 

I don't doubt he likes having you in his life, but he's got some pretty dysfunctional habits and stupid expectations (ie that a woman would be okay with him staying married to an ex, especially one like her)

He's very, very messy. 

Edited April 4 by ExpatInItaly

[Will am I]

Let me not speculate on your partner's intentions. He's not on this topic so we deal withj you

You deserve at least some sort of commitment from him. Now this is excactly where a lot of relationships go awkward, people make assumptions about the level of commitment they should be getting.

Let's skip these assumptions and why don't you just ask him: what commitment will he give you?

The answerk will give you something to hold on to. Either because it's not enough for you (in which case, end the relationship). Or because you have a promise from him about what you may expect and you may hold him to his word.

Your current situation sounds terrible. Don't let it linger.