Engaged and terrified!

[Audrey1]

My boyfriend proposed on Christmas Eve which is wonderful! I knew it was coming because a family member slipped up and told me two months ago but it was still a wonderful moment. I love this man with all my heart and we are wonderful together. You could say I feel blessed.

 

BUT...We butt heads on one issue and as far as I can see there is no easy solution.

 

(This issue might seem foolish to some and I understand that but I can't help how I feel about it so please do not pass judgement...we are a product of our environment I guess)

 

We both come from close families. His parents, whom I adore, have been married 52 years and mine have been married 40. However, the marriages have been very different. His parents are old-school italians and it was very much wives cook, clean, make and raise babies, men work and socialiaze. My fiance's Dad was(is) out 6 nights a week with the guys. Never had affairs, but he was out and gone nonetheless. They were(are) leading somewhat seperate lives.

 

My parents are very different. The are inseparable. Still to this day where one goes, the other goes. They are so in love and after 40 years they still flirt with each other. They were supportive and helped each other with everything. There wasn't much men do this women do that. My dad never had guys nights out. He never wanted them. He always said that it was a bad idea and he would never want to be anywhere where he couldn't be with his wife. Same for my mom.

 

My fiance, like his dad, is also out with "the boys" constantly. He's 50 and it's what he's been doing all of his life. They even go on "guys" vacations together.

 

But now that we are engaged I am freaking out becasue I know myself and I will never ever be comfortable with guys nights out and guys vacations. It's not a matter of not trusting him. It's because I find it highly inappropriate for a married man to be out socializing alone. I'm having visions of me stuck at home with kids while he's out having a good time and I begin to panic. I could never stand to have a marriage like his parents do. Not because it's wrong, but I know that FOR ME I couldn't handle it. It's probably because i grew up around my parents and was used to having my father around all the time. They have had a truly spectacular mnarriage and I have always listened to their advice when it came to relationships because they are a great success story.

 

We've talked about the no more boys nights and it's such a hard thing to discuss without it seeming like I'm insulting his parents or his dad. I don't care what other couples do. It's their business and if they are happy then they can do whatever works for them. But I know ME. I know what I can and can't handle and I struggle to express my feelings on the subject without it sounding like I'm passing judgement on his father's role in his marriage.

 

He has said that once we are married he will be home at night...unless something comes up. Well, that doesn't make me feel much better because something ALWAYS comes up. For example, he just told me he wants to go to Florida next weekend with the guys for one of their birthdays and why shouldn't he be able to go? I'm so frustrated that this is happening already. We just got engaged and already he's taking off with the guys? And it goes both ways. I would never dream of running off with my girlfreinds when I am married.

 

I feel like I have to make a choice. Marry him and put up with behavior that I loathe or end the engagement. I think he's not going to change his mind on the matter any sooner than I am.

 

I'm so confused. I can't change how I feel and I don't know what to do. This is the ONLY thing we have ever disagreed on. We're engaged and I so want to enjoy this time in our lives but I can't because all of a sudden all I'm thinking about is whether or not I made the right decision in saying yes. I'm so confused. Everything else is perfect. He is loyal, respectful, smart, supportive, caring, strong yet sensitive, and everything I've ever wanted in a human being. So I'm trying to weight the good against the bad but this one issue is SO important to me that I just can't seem to turn my back on it.

 

Thank you to all who have read this far and I'm sorry for any typos.

[Lil Honey]

Well, the two of you need to talk and work out a balance.

 

I have seen women who wouldn't let their man out of their sight and when the marriage dissolves or the man dies, the woman is completely baffled with what to do with her life, because she doesn't have friends or interests outside of the house.

 

I would talk to him about the importance of raising children (if you want them) with a father present. That means that the man has to participate in the raising of the kids - not just go off to work or go off to socialize.

 

I would think a night out once a month for me and one night out a month for you would be a good compromise. Now, that you are engaged, this might be a good time to practice whatever arrangement you agree on and see if it works.

 

I don't think a spouse/parent should be away frequently, but I also don't think they should be joined at the hip.

[sophia34]

This is all about compromise. I'm pretty sure that if you make a "no guys' night out" rule, he will grow to resent you for it. I also can't imagine a marriage in which I had no independent time away from my spouse. In my opinion, in a marriage, each spouse needs some "time alone" just to be able to maintain his or her identity. Being married does not mean being joined to that other person for every waking moment.

 

That said, I can also see your argument. Which is where compromise comes in. I totally agree that you and he should work out an agreement in which once a week, once a month--whatever works--you each can have your time out with friends or family. That way, he doesn't abuse the privilege and leave you alone with the kids, but he still gets time with his friends.

 

Don't make it a "it's me or them" proposition. I would resent that immensely and I'm pretty sure he would too.

[Woggle]

I would be more concerned with his parents unequal marriage. Marriage should be a partnership and you don't him turning out like his father. No matter how happy you are with your spouse everybody needs friends and some outside interests. It doesn't mean you don't love each other but that you have a well rounded life.

[a4a]

Congratulations Audrey!

 

I do not just mean on your engagement but for the fact that you see reality!

 

You need to hash this out now, not later. You are brilliant for seeing a possible pitfall in your future marriage. Granted after the newness wears away you may be more apt to want your husband to go away for the weekend but if it is not something you are prepared to deal with and see him following and his expectations similar to how he was raised you need to deal with this before saying I DO...... that way you won't be saying WHAT DID I DO?

 

Do not expect to change him or for him to turn into a different person once a ring is on his finger..... that is not fair to either of you!

 

a4a- there is a party in my pants