serinna Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Hello everyone! I don't know how this works, but if you want the previous story on my ex and I, then you should look back on my previous thread that I wrote in October. He wasn't the best fiance. Anyways... since I left my fiance of 5 1/2 years, I met another man. He is 10 years older than me, and the nicest sweetest man that you could ever imagine. A real gentleman! The thing is, I can't tell if I really like him or not. He's very laid back and does whatever - I am the total opposite. I like him for the way he treats me, etc., but he really has no personality. I don't know how I feel about him. It's been 3 1/2 months since we've been together. I should know whether I like him or not by now. Some days I really do like him, and others, I don't feel a thing. I am so confused!!! So, a couple weeks ago, I was at my brother's place and got really drunk. I wanted to go home, and my ex fiance happened to call me, so I asked him for a ride (we didn't talk before that for months). He ended up coming over & came in to talk to my brother. We ended up talking, & we had sex & stayed the night together. We've been talking on & off since then. I had sex w/him 2 more times since then, but I told him that I don't want to do that anymore b/c I am not sure if I want to get back w/him or not & it's not fair to either of us to play with our emotions like that. So, he pretty much calls me everyday, and asks me to come over all the time. He says that I am his soul mate & would do anything to be back with me. We had some MAJOR issues from the past, and I am scared if I got back with him, that everything would just go back to the same way it was before. We broke up once before this, and it went back to the same old sh*t after a couple months. I really do believe that he realizes what he's lost, but I still have my doubts. My problem is this: I know that I cheated on my boyfriend, and I can't keep talking to both of them. I would love to get back with my ex, but I don't want to take the chance of losing one of the sweetest guys that I have ever met, either (which is my BF now). What if I leave him for my ex, and find out that I really can't be with him (my ex)? Then I lost the best BF to an ass like my ex. My ex knows that I am talking to my BF, too. All I know is this: all my friends & family would basically dis-own me if I got back together with my ex. No one likes him or the ways that he treated me at all. They actually hate him. He knows that, but keeps telling me that I am my own person & they can't run my life. Everyone loves my present BF - they think he's perfect for me. In a way, I do, too. He just needs to open up more often. I can't stop thinking about my ex, though. As soon as I think I am done with him, I start thinking about him. Now, I don't know if it's b/c I am just missing someone that knows me and was there with me all the time (like a comfort thing), or if it's something deeper than that. I do think that if I got back with him, would I still love him? Because when I left him, I had no feelings for him whatsoever. That is the main reason why I think I am just missing "us", and not "him" (if that makes any sense). I don't know what to do! Can someone give me some pointers, or if you've been through this before, help me out!!!! Thank you in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 You need to find some closure with your ex b/f in order for you to move on with this new guy..You tell this OM that you need time to sort things out before moving any further with this relationship .. You want to be fully devoted to him and you can't because you haven't had closure with your ex .. You can't continue wondering and be with this OM and it will make your relationship fall apart still longing for your ex.. Until you sort this through you can't move foward..You have to make a choice or you will lose this wonderful guy!! Besides your ex cheated on you... Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author serinna Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 I know I need closure, but how do I find it? I am so confused!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I know I need closure, but how do I find it? I am so confused!!! By making sure that it is over with the ex before moving on with the OM!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author serinna Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 I've been through so much with my ex, and I don't know if it could work with us again. I just miss what we had together. Our own place, the love, someone knowing me inside & out. All that kind of stuff. I don't think that I really like this OM right now. I think that if we've been seeing each other for 3 1/2 months now, that i should know if I like him or not. I just think of all the sh*t everyone will talk if I get back with my ex. They will say that I am so stupid to even think about it let alone go through with it. But then again, I shouldn't let what others think get in my way of being happy. I just don't want our relationship go back to the old ways - it was horrible then. But, he says that he realizes what he's lost & that he would never do anything to lose me again. I don't know what to do. I am scared that if I break it off with my current BF, then it won't work out with my ex, and I will be all alone again & messed up a good thing with my current BF. I know that he's a great man (my current BF), and that he really really likes me, but I don't think I feel the same way about him. I try to make myself, but it just doesn't work out that way. Link to post Share on other sites
StaceyM0189 Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 Hi, I am in the same situation as you. I am currently seeking therapy for this, I still miss my ex of 8 years but I found a new man who treats me like a queen, I can't fully enjoy him because I can't open up to him fully...I think you have to really close the chapter with the ex before you can move on..I am still trying to close the door with the ex and it has been over a year and still having a hard time...the think the key is no communication witht the ex......I have to start trying that!!! GOOD LUCK TO YOU! Link to post Share on other sites
Jey Dey Dey Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 I wasn't the best gf in the world but I didn't cheat, I just didn't do a lot of things with him, big mistake, didn't really want anything to do with his family, put him down sometimes, and I was bitchy. Probably more but I don't want to make this long. We were together for four years, we talked about marriage, the house we were going to buy, we were in it for ever. Or so I thought. He met someone at a bar, and left me for her. I moved out of the apt the same night I found out. In the relationship he always loved me more, always wanted, needed me more. This time, everything changed. I have never felt soo many emotions, so much love until it happened. I realized how much I did love him, it's been about six months and yeah I made every mistake possible. Crying, begging, yelling, calling all the time, leaving long messages, texting to death. I know he loves me, we have seen eachother several times since than. He tells me he's confused. He has said he loves me. The OW is a whore, older than him (26, 34), trys to mother him, can't have kids. I finally get the NC thing and I'm sticking to it. If he comes back I will be the best girlfriend in the world because all of this time I have thought, processed, looked at myself and how I act/react, talk, look at things/people ets. I have learned so much about my self and relationships but most of all I realize now how much I love him. It will suck if he doesn't come back, then next BF I have will get it all without really deserving it. You have been with the OT for three months. If your ex had issues before give him more time to reflect, to take a good look at himself and what he did before. 3 Mos isn't enought for a person to make solid changes that will stick. If he had come back quickly we would be under the same dark cloud and I wouldn't have changed as much or permanently. As far as the OM, I agree if you don't know by 3 mos and it won't happen. But someone can always argue that if you give him more time he will feel more comfortable with you and show more of himself. However, since you are confused tell him you need your time and space to figure things out. No, you're not going back to your ex and no it's not that you don't want to be with him, it's just that you need time. Dont contact your ex. Let him simmer, let him really miss you, really rethink how he behaved and what he'd change just to be with you. After some time you will know. Forget the family and friends, they won't be with him, this is your decision. If you chose the ex that's your decision and they'll accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
kitkat. Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 Hi Just a thought - maybe your ex is looking appealing because you've just figured that you find the new guy 'boring'. Maybe you'd rather be with someone than no one and your ex has come back onto the scene at a time when you feel like it might not work with the new guy? Maybe its timing and fear of it not working with this new man thats got you interested in your ex again....? Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author serinna Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 Hi Just a thought - maybe your ex is looking appealing because you've just figured that you find the new guy 'boring'. Maybe you'd rather be with someone than no one and your ex has come back onto the scene at a time when you feel like it might not work with the new guy? Maybe its timing and fear of it not working with this new man thats got you interested in your ex again....? Good luck I think you are exactly right! That is so weird that you said that, because I have never thought about it this way before. But, since I've read this, I believe that is the problem. I do NOT want to be alone, and the way that I am feeling about the guy I am with now, I am not too certain if I like him or not. So, I think... why not give my ex another chance? We like to do the same things, and we have so much more fun together than this guy I am with now. But, then I start to think of how it was, and I do not want to live like that ever again. I know that if I stay with this guy, that he would give me the world. He is the nicest man ever, and I really do like that. I was thinking that maybe I should stick it out for a while, and see how he reacts to different things. Maybe he will open up more to me down the road? Sometimes I really like him, and other times I can't stand him. I don't know what to do. But, thanks for the tips everyone!!! Keep them coming! Link to post Share on other sites
Larrry Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 As far as the new guy, if it isn't there by now, it's not going to be. He may be the nicest guy in the world, but the heart isn't logical. practical, or rational. It follows it's own path. He kept your mind off of your ex for a while. It was good therapy. But as you can see you aren't over your ex. It takes a long time. You know exactly what you are in for if you go back to your ex. Has he changed by his actions or is he just talking? Don't fool yourself. You aren't torn between two men. You are torn between going back to your ex or not. The new guy is just a prop in the decision you must make. Personally, I think you should accept once and for all what you already know, that your ex isn't ever going to be the man you want him to be. So move on and don't look for someone else to come to your rescue. Yes you will be lonely at times, but you will be open to other people. As time goes by, the ex will lose his grip on you and you will find yourself ready again for a fresh start. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 I wish i was inbetween two men;) just playing! Link to post Share on other sites
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