I guess he is not that much into me? should I insist?

[Gina2005]

Hello.

I have been seeing this guy, three dates in total in 2 months, he is a friend's cousin, she introduced us, and at least from my perspective I think we connected very well, I think he has a great time with me and I with him, but, despite the fact that I asked him out the third time, I didn't really notice him in the mood during the date, and I preferred not to insist on a fourth time, hoping that he would do it.

Later, I had some difficulty having free time and it happened that I couldn't go out when he asked me to, but, even though I explained that I would be available the following week, he didn't try again. Does that mean it's my turn to do it?

I think we complement each other very well, but he doesn't see it, or maybe the age difference, which is six years, makes him think that I'm going to be a problem. I know he had a girlfriend who was five years younger than him, and they had an on-again, off-again relationship and a very bad breakup.

Any advice or hard truths would be greatly appreciated.

Also, if you have any questions, feel free to ask. 🙂

[enterthevoid]

Simple solution.

Ask him directly how he feels about this.  Text something like "Hey, I just wanted to ask how you feel about us?  Do you feel a romantic vibe or more of a friend vibe?  Where do you see this going?"  (You could word it better than that, but you get my point)

This way you get a clear answer immediately.  He's either into you or not.  And if it's not a definitive yes, it's a no.  But the upside is that you don't spend weeks or months trying to guess how he feels.   You move on, and invest that energy into meeting other people.

Edited Thursday at 09:46 PM by enterthevoid

[Gina2005]

2 minutes ago, enterthevoid said:

Simple solution.

Ask him directly how he feels about this.  Text something like "Hey, I just wanted to ask how you feel about us?  Do you feel a romantic vibe or more of a friend vibe?  Where do you see this going?"  (You could word it better than that, but you get my point)

This way you get a clear answer immediately.  He's either into you or not.  And if it's not a definitive yes, it's a no.  But the upside is that you don't spend weeks or months trying to guess how he feels.   You move on, and invest that energy into meeting other people.

Isn't too son? after like three dates.

I'm just asking, I'm feel like I'm head over heels about him, and maybe he just needs more time to get to know me?

 

[ShyViolet]

Please don't be that girl who chases after a guy who is not that into her.  That is a really pathetic thing to do.  When a guy is not making an effort and not showing you that he's interested, that should tell you that it's time to stop pursuing him and move on.  You don't keep desperately chasing after someone who is not that interested in you.  I'll never understand why people do that.

[Gina2005]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

Please don't be that girl who chases after a guy who is not that into her.  That is a really pathetic thing to do.  When a guy is not making an effort and not showing you that he's interested, that should tell you that it's time to stop pursuing him and move on.  You don't keep desperately chasing after someone who is not that interested in you.  I'll never understand why people do that.

He did ask me go out with him one a two times, the second time I was not available, I'm asking if it is my turn to ask him out again.

I don't see it as if he has zero interest in me, he wouldn't have asked me out TWO times if that was the case.

[enterthevoid]

14 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

Isn't too soon? after like three dates.

You're not asking him to be exclusive.  You're just asking how he feels about you, and if it's more of a romantic or friendly vibe?

Even though it's only 3 dates, it's been 2 whole months.  That's a long time.  Too long to be uncertain if someone even likes you

 

 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

He did ask me go out with him one a two times, the second time I was not available,

So he asked you out and you said you're not available at that time and the conversation ended?   That's so weird.  If I were him, I'd assume you have no interest

If a guy asks you out and you're interested, you'd say "Sorry, I can't do that day/time, but I could do this alternate time - does this work for you."   Keep talking until you can find a date time which works for you both.   It's no different to organising dinner with the girls

Edited Thursday at 10:21 PM by basil67

[enterthevoid]

21 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

When a guy is not making an effort and not showing you that he's interested

He asked her out on a date (which she was unavailable), and he went out with her 3 times.  While this isn't proof that he's necessarily still interested now, it's enough investment on his end, to where I'd consider reaching out one more time just to make sure.

I think she should just ask him and get a clear answer instead of making assumptions or holding onto what if's.  She deserves a clear answer.  It's going to be on her mind if she doesn't get an answer, so may as well just ask.

Edited Thursday at 10:25 PM by enterthevoid

[Gina2005]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

So he asked you out and you said you're available at that time and the conversation ended?   That's so weird.  If I were him, I'd assume you have no interest

If a guy asks you out and you're interested, you'd say "Sorry, I can't do that day/time, but I could do this alternate time - does this work for you."   Keep talking until you can find a date time which works for you both.   It's no different to organising dinner with the girls

Typo, sorry, I meant that he did ask me to go out not one, but two times, the first time we did go out, the second time I was busy and told him that I was going to be available the following week, but, he didn't ask again.

We still talk, but we haven't talked about seein each other again.

 

[Gina2005]

10 minutes ago, enterthevoid said:

You're not asking him to be exclusive.  You're just asking how he feels about you, and if it's more of a romantic or friendly vibe?

Even though it's only 3 dates, it's been 2 whole months.  That's a long time.  Too long to be uncertain if someone even likes you

 

 

gotch ya, thanks.

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

Typo, sorry, I meant that he did ask me to go out not one, but two times, the first time we did go out, the second time I was busy and told him that I was going to be available the following week, but, he didn't ask again.

We still talk, but we haven't talked about seein each other again.

But why didn't the conversation go straight into working out what days you both had available the following week?   One or both of you is dropping the ball

[Gina2005]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But why didn't the conversation go straight into working out what days you both had available the following week?   One or both of you is dropping the ball

For my part, I told him what days I was busy (the whole weekend) and he didn't mention what his options were, probably he didn't know.

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

For my part, I told him what days I was busy (the whole weekend) and he didn't mention what his options were, probably he didn't know.

OK, so he dropped the ball.    Doesn't sound like he's super keen.   

You're going to have to ask how he feels or just let it go

[Gina2005]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK, so he dropped the ball.    Doesn't sound like he's super keen.   

You're going to have to ask how he feels or just let it go

I'm having a terrible headache, I think I'll ask him tomorrow about his plans for the weekend and see.

[Els]

If you literally told him your availability for the rescheduled date and he didn't respond with his own, it sounds like he's really not that interested unfortunately.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

For my part, I told him what days I was busy (the whole weekend) and he didn't mention what his options were, probably he didn't know.

You ask about getting together?

[Gebidozo]

If you told him clearly when you were available, made it clear that you were interested in going on another date, and he didn’t get back to you, then he isn’t interested enough.

When a man is really interested he’s going to to keep trying until he hears a clear “no” from the woman. I don’t think you should be wasting your mental and emotional energy on this guy.

[Alvi]

I don't think that he is THAT interested. It's possible that he is multidating or even dating someone else.  You could ask him to come to do some activity with you. For example: "I am going to the museum (or anything) on Saturday. Would you like to come?"  If he replies with anything but "Yes" that means that he is not interested (unless he counteroffers). 

By the way, you look stunning on your avatar. I am sure that there are plenty of guys out there who would love to go out with such a pretty girl. Why waste your time and sanity on someone who is not that much into you?

Edited Friday at 04:39 AM by Alvi

[ExpatInItaly]

3 dates in 2 months does not really qualify as "seeing each other", girl. 

This guy's interest is low.  You'd have seen each other more by now if he were into you that way. As it stands, you've already seen signs he's not really feeling it: 

7 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

I didn't really notice him in the mood during the date

 

7 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

he asked me to, but, even though I explained that I would be available the following week, he didn't try again

 

7 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

I think we complement each other very well, but he doesn't see it

You need to read between the lines here, Gina. It's not that he doesn't see it. It's that he just isn't interested the way you are. I would not ask him out again. I would instead realize that I'm chasing a dead-end, and drop the idea. It's disappointing but it's also an important skill to learn when we are dating: if someone is into you, it doesn't look like what you're describing here. 

[Gina2005]

11 hours ago, Alvi said:

I don't think that he is THAT interested. It's possible that he is multidating or even dating someone else.  You could ask him to come to do some activity with you. For example: "I am going to the museum (or anything) on Saturday. Would you like to come?"  If he replies with anything but "Yes" that means that he is not interested (unless he counteroffers). 

By the way, you look stunning on your avatar. I am sure that there are plenty of guys out there who would love to go out with such a pretty girl. Why waste your time and sanity on someone who is not that much into you?

 

I know he is not dating, her cousin told me, she even set us up for our first date.

And thanks, he is not exactly ugly or a bad person.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

I know he is not dating, her cousin told me, she even set us up for our first date.

Please don't assume he tells his cousin everything. 

He might not be dating anyone else, but that doesn't mean he's not talking to or interested in someone else. Even if he isn't, his interest level in you just isn't that high. I would leave it be. 

[Gina2005]

43 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Please don't assume he tells his cousin everything. 

He might not be dating anyone else, but that doesn't mean he's not talking to or interested in someone else. Even if he isn't, his interest level in you just isn't that high. I would leave it be. 

What would be a sign that he is interested? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Gina2005 said:

What would be a sign that he is interested? 

More than 3 dates in 2 months, for starters. He'd be wanting to see you a lot more than that. 

 

[Gina2005]

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

More than 3 dates in 2 months, for starters. He'd be wanting to see you a lot more than that. 

 

Anything else? it hasn't been always his fault.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

Anything else? it hasn't been always his fault.

What hasn't been in his fault? 

I don't see that he's asked to see you very much.  He asked last time and then never followed up. That isn't a man who's very interested. I don't know what other sign you need, really.