follow up on guy1 and guy2 ...

[Ahhh!!]

issue: breaking up with guy1 in a non-bloody manner

 

he has exams last week, so i decided to wait until he's done with those ... then ... i gotta send him a lets be friends type e-mail ... then - here's the problem ... i know i will be upset & crying & all that stuff (went out with him for over a year, after all) ... how do i handle it ... what the hell do i do with his gifts which are all over my room ... what do i do with all the him-related stuff on my computer ... i do rlly wanna stay friends with him, so i dont want to cross out & throw out everything related to him out of my life ... Ahhh!!

 

any advice? thanks!

[Marzipan]

Hi Ahhh@,

 

This is hard because I've just been through a break up myself and I was the one on the other end. I can tell you there is no easy way to do it. As a matter of fact I was in the middle of my summer school finals when he broke up w/me and it made things hard but I got through.

 

I think waiting until finals are over is a good idea but you are going to have to maintain your distance until you actually break up with him. If you still go out with him and are affectioinate then next week he won't know what hit him and he will be very shocked. That being said, keep your distance. Use his needing to study for finals as an excuse if you have to, that way you get some space between you two.

 

You also should break up with him in person if at all possible because I think this guy is going to have a lot of questions. All you can do when you do it is try to be as honest as you can with him and although it may hurt him it will also sober him up to the reality that it's just not working for you two. It's the only way, trust me.

 

Now about the "Friends" issue:

 

First of all, I don't know whether or not it is possible to remain friends after this. He may not want to because under the circumstances he still sees you as a girlfriend and not a friend. It's too soon to think about friendship because you both need time away from eachother. He has to get over this and so do you. Just because you are sure you no longer want to be with him doesn't mean he's going to be ready to accept that. Remember this is like one of those 12 step processes to recovery, first there is denial, then anger, etc. He's going to need time to get over this and he can't do that if you are still in the picture. Trust me, I know!

 

If friendship is possible then it's going to take a lot of time, ask yourself also why you want to remain friends, make sure it isn't because you feel guilty over the break up because if so, he definitely won't appreciate that and it may wind up making him angry over the whole situation. I think it's safe to say that you should expect some anger, anguish and pain from this experience.

 

You may find that you want to take some of those gifts he gave you and put them away somewhere, in a box or in a closet for a while. You said in your post that you expect to be crying, upset, etc. and I think that it's good that you know to expect to feel this way. Every break up is different. I, personally took all the stuff I had and put it away somewhere so that I couldn't be tempted to look at it or be reminded of what a terrible ending it was.

 

You on the other hand may not want to do this, it is up to you, do what feels comfortable to you. Don't rule out that you may feel compelled to get rid of things that remind you of him and your relationship. A lot of people find themselves feeling that way after a break up. For me, I wanted a fresh start. I had to get some new cds and got rid of my stuffed animals that my ex had given to me. But like I said, my situation was a little different. I was on the receiving end of the break up, hence, not the one doing the breaking up.

 

I wanted so badly to understand where I went wrong and blamed myself at first because he somehow fell out of love with me. You should stress to him that it is not him and that this is all you because otherwise he may start blaming himself. This is inevitable but as long as you are honest with him and reiterate to him that it's you that feels this way and not anything he did then I think things will go a lot better.

 

And no, you don't have to throw everything related to him out of your life. You don't have to get rid of anything if you don't want to. Again, do whatever you feel comfortable with. If you are comfortable with toys, computer stuff, etc. around and it is not painful for you then don't worry about it, just leave it. You don't have to throw stuff away either, you can box it up and put it away for now. There's a lot to be said about good memories, even if they are with the person that didn't work out. It may be painful for you right now to think of it all but maybe later on you may want those items as a memento of your past. So throw it away if you want and if you don't keep it.

 

There is going to be a lot of hurt there and there's really not a lot you can do to shield this guy from it. Just be honest and don't try to push friendship right away because it's too soon to make him think of that. It's hard to think about that when you are still going through the motions of the relationship ending, believe me I know.

 

The bottom line is that there is never an easy way to do this. Just be honest with him and with yourself. You are doing this for a reason and whatever that is, you've made a conscious decision not to have this person in your life right now. So once you have broken up with him, be respectful enough to keep your distance for a while because you will both need space. Think of it in terms of him seeing you with another guy or you seeing him with another girl. Do you honestly think you can handle that right away? (If that were the case anyway). If you happen to be interested in someone right now and want to explore that then having your ex as your friend can make the situation incredibly awkward for another person as well as you and your ex. That's just something to think about.

 

I hope that helps, good luck and I hope things get better.

issue: breaking up with guy1 in a non-bloody manner he has exams last week, so i decided to wait until he's done with those ... then ... i gotta send him a lets be friends type e-mail ... then - here's the problem ... i know i will be upset & crying & all that stuff (went out with him for over a year, after all) ... how do i handle it ... what the hell do i do with his gifts which are all over my room ... what do i do with all the him-related stuff on my computer ... i do rlly wanna stay friends with him, so i dont want to cross out & throw out everything related to him out of my life ... Ahhh!! any advice? thanks!

[Ahhh!!]

thanks a lot girl! that really helps.

 

yes - although the break up idea has been in my mind for a while, right now it is b/c another guy showed up in my picture, and id like to explore things with him.

 

in fact, i would LOVE to see my bf get over me quickly and start going out w/ someone also. I just wanna see that he is taken care of, and then i won't feel guilty for hurting him like this.

 

Thanks a lot again.

Hi Ahhh@, This is hard because I've just been through a break up myself and I was the one on the other end. I can tell you there is no easy way to do it. As a matter of fact I was in the middle of my summer school finals when he broke up w/me and it made things hard but I got through. I think waiting until finals are over is a good idea but you are going to have to maintain your distance until you actually break up with him. If you still go out with him and are affectioinate then next week he won't know what hit him and he will be very shocked. That being said, keep your distance. Use his needing to study for finals as an excuse if you have to, that way you get some space between you two. You also should break up with him in person if at all possible because I think this guy is going to have a lot of questions. All you can do when you do it is try to be as honest as you can with him and although it may hurt him it will also sober him up to the reality that it's just not working for you two. It's the only way, trust me. Now about the "Friends" issue:

 

First of all, I don't know whether or not it is possible to remain friends after this. He may not want to because under the circumstances he still sees you as a girlfriend and not a friend. It's too soon to think about friendship because you both need time away from eachother. He has to get over this and so do you. Just because you are sure you no longer want to be with him doesn't mean he's going to be ready to accept that. Remember this is like one of those 12 step processes to recovery, first there is denial, then anger, etc. He's going to need time to get over this and he can't do that if you are still in the picture. Trust me, I know! If friendship is possible then it's going to take a lot of time, ask yourself also why you want to remain friends, make sure it isn't because you feel guilty over the break up because if so, he definitely won't appreciate that and it may wind up making him angry over the whole situation. I think it's safe to say that you should expect some anger, anguish and pain from this experience.

 

You may find that you want to take some of those gifts he gave you and put them away somewhere, in a box or in a closet for a while. You said in your post that you expect to be crying, upset, etc. and I think that it's good that you know to expect to feel this way. Every break up is different. I, personally took all the stuff I had and put it away somewhere so that I couldn't be tempted to look at it or be reminded of what a terrible ending it was. You on the other hand may not want to do this, it is up to you, do what feels comfortable to you. Don't rule out that you may feel compelled to get rid of things that remind you of him and your relationship. A lot of people find themselves feeling that way after a break up. For me, I wanted a fresh start. I had to get some new cds and got rid of my stuffed animals that my ex had given to me. But like I said, my situation was a little different. I was on the receiving end of the break up, hence, not the one doing the breaking up.

 

I wanted so badly to understand where I went wrong and blamed myself at first because he somehow fell out of love with me. You should stress to him that it is not him and that this is all you because otherwise he may start blaming himself. This is inevitable but as long as you are honest with him and reiterate to him that it's you that feels this way and not anything he did then I think things will go a lot better. And no, you don't have to throw everything related to him out of your life. You don't have to get rid of anything if you don't want to. Again, do whatever you feel comfortable with. If you are comfortable with toys, computer stuff, etc. around and it is not painful for you then don't worry about it, just leave it. You don't have to throw stuff away either, you can box it up and put it away for now. There's a lot to be said about good memories, even if they are with the person that didn't work out. It may be painful for you right now to think of it all but maybe later on you may want those items as a memento of your past. So throw it away if you want and if you don't keep it. There is going to be a lot of hurt there and there's really not a lot you can do to shield this guy from it. Just be honest and don't try to push friendship right away because it's too soon to make him think of that. It's hard to think about that when you are still going through the motions of the relationship ending, believe me I know. The bottom line is that there is never an easy way to do this. Just be honest with him and with yourself. You are doing this for a reason and whatever that is, you've made a conscious decision not to have this person in your life right now. So once you have broken up with him, be respectful enough to keep your distance for a while because you will both need space. Think of it in terms of him seeing you with another guy or you seeing him with another girl. Do you honestly think you can handle that right away? (If that were the case anyway). If you happen to be interested in someone right now and want to explore that then having your ex as your friend can make the situation incredibly awkward for another person as well as you and your ex. That's just something to think about. I hope that helps, good luck and I hope things get better.

[Owl]

If you have lots of letters or cards or stuffed animals or jewellry or whatnot that were gifts from guy 1, put them in a box and put that box somewhere out-of-the-way. If he was an important part of your life, there's no need to completely sever your connection... but you need to get it in your head that said connection is no longer romantic in nature. Putting all your romantic brick-a-brack out of sight will help.

 

If you're trying to start a new relationship with guy 2, pictures of guy 1 plastered all over your room and/or computer will not be the greatest idea either. This is both for your sake and his -- if guy 2 sees them he can't help but feel insecure and confused, and every time you see them your feelings will be divided instead of focused where they need to be.

 

To continue that last point, exactly how divided ARE your feelings? Judging by how upsetting this break-up is to you, I highly recommend you wait before starting to see guy 2. A stable relationship only has room for two people -- no more, no less. Your heart sounds a little crowded right now!! Tell guy 2 you really like him but your emotions are in turmoil due to recent events, and you need a little time before you give him the attention you feel he deserves. A reasonable guy will always wait if he knows you care for him, that you're not going anywhere in the interim, and the wait won't be TOO long. I know I would.

 

Also, if you truly wish to remain friends with guy 1, that will be harder to do if you immediately begin seeing guy 2. NOTHING is more wounding to a man's ego than seeing his girlfriend ditch him for another man. This isn't a rational response, but it's how nearly all of us think. He might not be angry, but he'll still be hurt and upset and not wish to hang around you for a while. If you wait, he'll have time to adjust and that response will be much milder, if it's present at all. Which is more important to you -- guy 2, or your friendship with guy 1? Even if you play your cards correctly, there's a good chance you can't have both at the same time. You should be willing to accept that risk before you move on.

 

I hope that helps a bit. Good luck!

 

issue: breaking up with guy1 in a non-bloody manner he has exams last week, so i decided to wait until he's done with those ... then ... i gotta send him a lets be friends type e-mail ... then - here's the problem ... i know i will be upset & crying & all that stuff (went out with him for over a year, after all) ... how do i handle it ... what the hell do i do with his gifts which are all over my room ... what do i do with all the him-related stuff on my computer ... i do rlly wanna stay friends with him, so i dont want to cross out & throw out everything related to him out of my life ... Ahhh!! any advice? thanks!

[Ahhh!!]

Thanks a lot for your advice.

 

I have to clarify something ... guy2 has been a close friend for about 2 years now ... he'd take me out dancing, etc., but we never crossed "the line".

 

you're right, my heart is crowded. i HATE hurting people. and i know guy1 will be very hurt. but i also know now that he isn't THE one for me ... just the fact that i wanna accept guy2's suggestion to date tells me that ...

 

guy2 knows about my bf ... i also did tell him that we'll have to take things slowly. i have no worries about him right now. i just feel bad and guilty in respect to guy1.

 

guy1 is more of a close friend, nearly a brother for me. i really care about him. but he isn't the man for me ...

 

thanks again ... i will follow your advice of putting stuff away ... i obviously dont want guy2 to come over & see guy1's cards on my desk ...

If you have lots of letters or cards or stuffed animals or jewellry or whatnot that were gifts from guy 1, put them in a box and put that box somewhere out-of-the-way. If he was an important part of your life, there's no need to completely sever your connection... but you need to get it in your head that said connection is no longer romantic in nature. Putting all your romantic brick-a-brack out of sight will help. If you're trying to start a new relationship with guy 2, pictures of guy 1 plastered all over your room and/or computer will not be the greatest idea either. This is both for your sake and his -- if guy 2 sees them he can't help but feel insecure and confused, and every time you see them your feelings will be divided instead of focused where they need to be. To continue that last point, exactly how divided ARE your feelings? Judging by how upsetting this break-up is to you, I highly recommend you wait before starting to see guy 2. A stable relationship only has room for two people -- no more, no less. Your heart sounds a little crowded right now!! Tell guy 2 you really like him but your emotions are in turmoil due to recent events, and you need a little time before you give him the attention you feel he deserves. A reasonable guy will always wait if he knows you care for him, that you're not going anywhere in the interim, and the wait won't be TOO long. I know I would. Also, if you truly wish to remain friends with guy 1, that will be harder to do if you immediately begin seeing guy 2. NOTHING is more wounding to a man's ego than seeing his girlfriend ditch him for another man. This isn't a rational response, but it's how nearly all of us think. He might not be angry, but he'll still be hurt and upset and not wish to hang around you for a while. If you wait, he'll have time to adjust and that response will be much milder, if it's present at all. Which is more important to you -- guy 2, or your friendship with guy 1? Even if you play your cards correctly, there's a good chance you can't have both at the same time. You should be willing to accept that risk before you move on. I hope that helps a bit. Good luck!