witabix Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 ***POSTED ON THE WRONG FORUM ORIGINALLY**** Thanks again for all your support. Just to answer a point above, about the alcoholism. I do drink. I have had a problem with it before, a long time ago. It seems to run in my family, but skipped my dad out. I do not have a problem with drinking. I do not keep drink at home, I always go out to socialise in company of my friends and can happily drink non alcoholic beverages. I do not have blackouts, I can have one drink and go home, it does not affect my work or personal life, I do not borrow or steal money to drink, I do not get into achohol fuelled fights or arguments, it does not affect my health, I have never been admitted to hospital or seen a medical expert because of acohol related or induced injuries or illness. I am not an alcoholic. It has transpired that it is indeed not the end. She contacted me, by phone. And asked to see me. At her apartment. I made the decision to go and see her. The purpose in my mind was to give her the chance to address what she had done. I went with more than a little trepidation. I would have refused her if she had requested to come to my place. I could leave at any point, my escape was open, if I needed it. I had a plan for what would be discussed. I arrived and she started to apologise for what she had said..... I stopped her. Explained why I was there. I said I do not want to hear 'sorry', that will not be sufficient. I want to know why you said what you said to me and why you have done what you have done to me, I said I was there to communicate, and for her to communicate with me, I would assist her in communicating with me. We would discuss the following issues. Why the insults and physical attacks, and what is PRECISELY going on with this male friend. The male friend issue was the root, the cause of the problem. He, as a human being, was not the problem, it has been her handling of the situation that is the problem. I stated also that I would leave if the discussion escalated. I stated that I would leave if I considered she was evading or hiding anything. I stated that I would leave now if she was unhappy with or refused to accept the stipulations I made. She accepted them. We talked all day and into the night. I assisted her in finding what was going on inside her head. I listened patiently while she struggled to come to terms with what is going on in her head. She finally understood her own motivations for her actions, and managed in a long, and perhaps torturous fashion, to explain them to me. I checked my understanding of the words and phrases she used at any point that may have been ambiguous. It boiled down to these issues. The verbal and physical aspect was due to anger, and frustration. As I am well aware these actions, although performed upon anothers person, are due to anger and frustration at oneself. Her frustration was due to many things that have happened to her. I will not illustrate this point further. The obfuscation, misdirection, and incoherency in her behavior in regard to her friend was due to a control issue she has. Here is the most difficult thing to comprehend until it is explored with the person. Her issue with control has nothing to do with me, or my actions or words or personality. She said I have at no point attempted to control, and she realises that that is the true case. She has an inbuilt reaction, a self defence mechanism, that is automatically triggered. I triggered this reaction by my very presence, not because of WHO/WHAT I am, but because I AM. We explored her past relationships and experiences. I can see where this comes from now. But what is more important is that she now understands what she does to other people, and how that affects HER. It was an emotionally draining experience for me and for her. There were no raised voices. She abided by my rules for the discussion. Rules that were designed to get to the truth of the situation, to bring understanding primarily to her. She corrected herself when I pointed out any variation from the rules of engagement we had agreed upon. I said I am now going to ask a series of questions. You must answer those questions in total honesty. You may not ask me anything until I have finished. I asked her what she thought wanted from her perfect relationship. I asked her if she had any doubts about my personality. I asked her if she trusted me to be faithful, and always honest with her. I asked her if she thought I had been the cause of any of the problem, by word, deed or action. Then when I had heard her answers I asked her if she wanted to be with me. The last question I saw terrified her. She kept saying yes but.... I kept on pushing. I had given no indication, even after so many hours, that we were anything but 'broken up'. I wanted to see now if she was prepared to say a simple yes. I pointed out that she had answered several times in different ways and always added but. But not if you don't truast me was the basic variation. Would she like to try again? Give me a clear answer one way or the other. She did, yes. I said that I still do not trust you. She had told me a lot. However there was still the after effects of the misdirection on that one issue. That one issue revolved around trust, you cannot ask me to trust you now, all of a sudden. She asked me if I wanted try again. I agreed. With the following clear understanding. I expect a relationship to be totally exclusive, physically, emotionally and sexually. I will promise to be so to my partner. Any lapse in this is fatal to my relationship. I expect my partner to be honest, even when that honesty will hurt me. My prefrence is to take the initial sting of honest pain than to be mortally wounded by a lie. I will behave in this way to my partner. I do not wish to be controlled and manipulated, and I would never do that to another person. She agreed that these were her preferences too. Then we looked at the issue that has brought us to where we are. She made suggestions as to how she would deal with it. The silliest was to give me her phone and let me erase his number. I saw the pointlessness of this. The strangest was that she would write him a letter and tell him they were not friends anymore. I said that I cannot imagine how she would word such a letter, and how confused he would be. I said that even in all this I do not wish to cause damage or upset to any one, even her friend. Their was no need to make him suffer even a small bit. That would make me feel bad. So I offered this perhaps slightly archaic and also perhaps overly machismo solution. I would agree to put it all behind me and leave it there. All she has to do is this... Look me in the eye, and say with total sincerity, "I apologise for the hurt my handling of my friendship with *********** has caused you. It will not happen again." Then I will accept, and we will shake hands. When we shake hands the issue is dead and cannot be spoken about again, by either of us. This will only work if I see TOTAL SINCERITY in your eyes. We did this, successfully. I have only ever done that with men up to this point. I have only ever had feuds/disagreements with men before of such magnitude. It has always been successful. I have a few very good friends that have been through this with me. If someone offers me a heartfelt apology and I accept and shake their hand then I consider the matter dead and buried and it has never come up again. I now this works for me. A little archaic, a little old world, but for me totally effective. I told her from now on it is her decision how she behaves and she now has a complete picture of how her actions are perceived. She also has a better understanding of what she is doing, mainly to herself. I told her she can always trust me to react calmly to anything she does. All I expect is honesty. It is human to err, it is divine to forgive. __________________
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