Do I Give The Ultimate Second Chance?

[Clevelandfan]

My pathetic story is referenced here >> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t71927/ Basically, I broke up with her because she was lying to me and had a guy friend who was more significant than that. I believe she was cheating but she denies it wholeheartedly. If you read the beginning of my linked thread, you'll gain a better perspective of what was going on,..anyways the situation now is that she is 3-4 months pregnant now and is miserable according to her. She is certain that she isn't going to marry her fiance (they got engaged probably when she found out she was pregnant). She e-mails me and even called once so far. She regrets everything and called herself an idiot. She said she was acting out of spite and that her wanting to be a mother got the best of her thinking that her "friend" would suffice as a husband/father. She says she will never have passion without me in her life and misses and loves me. She wishes it was my child growing inside her,..etc... How could she love me and sleep with this other guy? I mean she sounds so very convincing about her feelings but I don't know how to really take them. I think she got caught in her own web of deception, manipulation and selfishness and is realizing what she has done and who it is she is living with. She says that she knows that she would be happy with me and would love to get married to me when she gets herself out of this mess. She admits she created it and told me that I should not be her savior, she will straighten it all out but I have to know that it won't be just her anymore,..there are things for me to consider. She would also want to get married and have a child asap with me. IS this too much to deal with? My soul bleeds thinking about what has happened. Could I get past all this? What do you think? Thanks for your opinions.

[CaliGuy]

Read my response in your other thread.

 

My answer is not just no but HELL no.

[salmagundi]

Jesus this is worse than I thought. I responded to your long thread before I saw this one.

 

She is playing you for a patsy. She is using you. She is in a bind of her own making and is looking for an available sucker to give her a soft landing and half of everyhting he owns and 20 years of child support payments when she ends it a year from now.

 

Please don't make her screw up you're screw up too. OK you're a nice guy. Great. Go find a nice girl. You are not responsible for this woman. Every now and then (actually, every day of the week) we are confronted with choices that will fundamentally alter the future trajectory of our whole lives. Sometimes for the better (like, her breaking up with you, which should encourage you to work on yourself and figure out how to not attract needy usurious women). Sometimes for the worse (like if you give in to this womans little siren song, believe these self-serving lies she is feeding (she knows what you want to hear) and marry her). THink about it. THis choice will change your life. Tell me in a year your life wont be hell on earth. Do you think this could work out? Do you think you are going to be Ward Cleaver in a year or two?

 

Just think. And then think some more. Hopefully it will strike you that all the uncertainty of a future without her will at least leave open the chance of finding real happiness with someone who REALLY cares about you.

 

But none of us can choose for you...so go make your choice.

 

tell us how it all works out.

 

salmagundi

[reservoirdog1]

Never, never, NEVER in a million years.

 

I echo what the others said. She probably cheated on you, and now that she's pregnant by the OM, she suddenly decides that he wasn't everything she thought he was and wants you back. How convenient for her.

 

If you go back to her, you're letting her play you. Why weren't you so wonderful in her mind BEFORE she cheated? And BEFORE she got pregnant?

 

Nope, she's trying to use you. Of course she sounds sincere -- that's what people like her do best. My cheating XW is the same way.

[Clevelandfan]

Thanks guys,...looking in from the outside is much clearer than being next to the issue. I've got to rip this hook out of me and forget about her now, but the betrayal lingers and her apologies persist. I've got to get my head together here. I hurt so bad but I don't hate her. It's like I totally blew past that stage completely or I'm suppressing that anger. I probably hurt because I have betrayed myself ultimately. I need to let go.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks guys,...looking in from the outside is much clearer than being next to the issue. I've got to rip this hook out of me and forget about her now, but the betrayal lingers and her apologies persist. I've got to get my head together here. I hurt so bad but I don't hate her. It's like I totally blew past that stage completely or I'm suppressing that anger. I probably hurt because I have betrayed myself ultimately. I need to let go.

 

It's good that you are telling yourself this, but you need to believe it. This chick just wants to use you.

 

Honestly if you continue with her the only person that will get hurt (and badly) will be you. She made these mistakes, now she can live with the consequences.

[Clevelandfan]

Yes, you are right, the problem is that I see the situation as being at least partly my fault. I broke up with her due to her significant dealings with just a "friend" and she says she thought we were "done". I think she is lying and was cheating, that's how she got prego. I mean who gets pregnant by someone they really don't want to marry unless it's unplanned or just a trap. What I'm saying though is that I feel somewhat guilty but I shouldn't becauses I couldn't have done what she did if I really cared about my SO,..I certainly wouldn't have had a "friend" that could upset my SO. I think she was using him to try and position me where she wanted me and to make me hurry up the marriage/pregnancy procee, but it had the reverse effect and she is trying to make the best out of this situation by turning it around on me. Who know's, it's such a damn mess,,.why do I care???

[CaliGuy]

Yes, you are right, the problem is that I see the situation as being at least partly my fault. I broke up with her due to her significant dealings with just a "friend" and she says she thought we were "done". I think she is lying and was cheating, that's how she got prego. I mean who gets pregnant by someone they really don't want to marry unless it's unplanned or just a trap. What I'm saying though is that I feel somewhat guilty but I shouldn't becauses I couldn't have done what she did if I really cared about my SO,..I certainly wouldn't have had a "friend" that could upset my SO. I think she was using him to try and position me where she wanted me and to make me hurry up the marriage/pregnancy procee, but it had the reverse effect and she is trying to make the best out of this situation by turning it around on me. Who know's, it's such a damn mess,,.why do I care???

Don't care. Cut off contact with her and move on.

 

The bottom line is she made the choices she made, she is responsible for them, not you.

 

Dude, get yourself as far away from her as you can. Heal yourself up. Get some hobbies, hang out with friends, go to the gym, etc. You have to look out for #1 in this case and that's yourself, not her.

 

She decided someone else was better for her and now she's regretting that decision. She should have thought it out better, but that's not your problem.

 

Get her out of your life and stick to NC.

[Clevelandfan]

Yeah,..I have to realize that this rejection has nothing to do with my not being good enough and has everyhting to do with her own personal agenda. Obviously she wants a child for her own personal growth/identity change and not because she has found the perfect man and want's to share her life and create a life that is half of her combined with half of him because she LOVES him (sorry for the run-on sentence).

[Jey Dey Dey]

Dude, run. Run as far as you can and don't stop until you're out of breath or dead. You got it right when she said she probably was just using the other guy against you to get you to a position where you would propose, impregnate her. Karma came into play and dealt her a couple of cards. Now she's prego and surprise surprise she's not in love and there is no passion. Awwwn get some therapy.......but not from you.

 

First of all this woman has major issues, I didn't know I was reading about a 30YR old until you posted her age, I thought oh she's probably like 21 or something. Look at her material world. She wants the best of everything, or what she thinks is the best, seems to have it all but is crawling in debt because she can't afford any of it. Oh and she doesn't want to work for it. Those guys she had as just friends, no, they were more like **** buddies. Why would a guy cosign for something if he wasn't get any in return? She was definitely cheating on you. And don't feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong. She found you remember, you tried to help her but instead she went with her **** buddy and bought a car THEYwanted. You were right for breaking up with her, excuse you for not wanting to be stepped on and made a fool. Guys were probably all about ****ing her since they didn't have your job, you did.

 

Again, RUN, MOVE to another state if you have to. She's a mess, financially, emotionally, morally, and you don't deserve that mess. She's miserable because now she feels stuck with her current man so she's reaching out to whoever will take her. How do you know she's not playing the same lines on the other guys? You were good to her, you tried *any other guy would take a look, ****, and run* but now you need to be good to yourself before you end up more messed up than she is. She is carrying another mans child, come on if that doesn't do it for you what will? If I left my ex, got prego by another guy and it wasn't peaches I would get my act together, move to my own place and live my life. I would never call my ex, what nerve to put him in that situation. But it's not just that she's prego, she is really MESSED UP, let her figure it out on her own and don't be there.

 

She wants you to be her savior, to come make it all better. Say you do than that would make you responsible for them and than she'll get prego again by you to make sure she has you for life. You will die a miserable, lonely man who finally figured it out too late in the years. Her kids will be just like her.

 

So tell her you feel for her, good luck. Start dating, you deserve someone better and anyone is better than this.

 

 

You said you had a weird feeling........that's instinct. Listen to it and stay away, don't even be her friend. That just gets you involved and you'll never let go. The less you know the better.

[Clevelandfan]

That pretty much sums it up,...A woman's perspective is always welcome. Thanks for taking the time to read my pathetic story and responding. You are exactly right and I'm glad I had those instincts to guide me away from making a huge mistake with her like this guy has. He dove into her web and she ended up getting it all over herself too. You know what's really f-d up? She called me in the middle of the night this morning "just wanting to talk". I didn't answer. Just think about this,...She is engaged, pregnant and living with what ultimately will be "the baby daddy" like on Jerry Springer and she is calling and saying "I love you's" to me. That just speaks volumes regarding her character. It's just nuts, and VERY sad!!!

[Jey Dey Dey]

Your instincts were there all along. She's going to keep calling you, will even come over to see you at home or at work. You know what you don't want, don't forget that.

 

 

Oh yeah-- woooooohooooooo go have some FUN.

[Clevelandfan]

You're right JDD,...I've got to stop concerning myself with what's going on in her life and focus on mine. That's what I need to do. The trouble is, I'm left with not understanding why she didn't see all the good in me. She says she see's it now. I really loved her and I tried like hell to make her "right" in many ways but I guess she was not capable of doing that, so I conclude that I wasn't worth it to her. That's a tough pill to swallow because I felt we were destined to be together. I guess I was just believing the fantasy she wanted me to see. Trust,...especially trusting that women do not have their own secret agenda with me, is going to be difficult to overcome. I'm way to trusting of a person and this may very well cure me of that. Sorry to say.

[Jey Dey Dey]

You're confusing yourself. She did see the good in you, that's why she wanted to 'trap' you by getting pregnant. She's the one that wants to come back, there's a reason for that. Besides it doesn't matter if a woman like her doesn't see your potential, look at her character. Do you really care what she thinks? You shouldn't. She's a mess, how can you think you were destined to be together? If that was the case she wouldn't be in the situation she is now. Things happen for a reason.

 

I think you are just looking for excuses now to hang onto a relationship, any relationship. Some women do have their own agendas, their own interests in mind, but not all. Just go out there and date, take it easy, take it slow. You won't find your love overnight but good things come to those who wait, you just don't want to make decisions now that would blow it.

[Clevelandfan]

I hear you JDD,...She is just telling me everything I want to hear and I am having trouble letting go of everything. I don't know how to stop caring about her. I try to just keep all coversation on the surface and not let the things she says sink into me, but she knows what to say. I wish I could keep the correct mindset that I am so much better off now, but I only see what I feel I have lost,...dammit. Why do I betray myself! How do I abort this wanting to fix our relationship mode? When she has this baby, she is going to be chasing me down, according to her. I need to be healed by then so I don't do anything stupid. ugh,...

[CaliGuy]

I hear you JDD,...She is just telling me everything I want to hear and I am having trouble letting go of everything. I don't know how to stop caring about her. I try to just keep all coversation on the surface and not let the things she says sink into me, but she knows what to say. I wish I could keep the correct mindset that I am so much better off now, but I only see what I feel I have lost,...dammit. Why do I betray myself! How do I abort this wanting to fix our relationship mode? When she has this baby, she is going to be chasing me down, according to her. I need to be healed by then so I don't do anything stupid. ugh,...

 

Disappear man. Delete all her contact info, don't return her calls or emails or anything. Eventually she will get the point.

 

Hard to stop caring? Do you think she cared about you when she dumped you? She wasn't thinking about you when she was boinking this other guy.

 

An ex getting pregnant by another guy would be the dagger for me. Sorry, but I wouldn't dare clean up her mess.

 

If you respect yourself, you'll walk away knowing you deserve better.

[Clevelandfan]

Absolutely Caliguy,..I am going to tell her tonight not to contact me anymore and that she made her decision to be with this guy and I don't want to be involved when it all falls apart.

 

Thanks for your support Caliguy and all you other LS members.

[Jey Dey Dey]

Don't sleep with her. Don't get caught in her web. Just tell her once that it's not going to ever happen, that you have a new girlfriend and you don't want her to contact you anymore in any way, shape, or form. Block her from calling/emailing.....I see a restraining order in your future.....

 

 

You're probably feeling bad because no one likes to feel like they have failed. You haven't failed......not yet unless you get caught by her. You'll be in another relationship or two and you'll look back with relief you dodged this bullet.

[livinlifetofullest]

From a woman's perspective: Run... fast!

[Clevelandfan]

I hear ya JDD and Livinlife,...consider it done. I'd rather be alone than with someone I couldn't trust and who would betray me in such a manner. It'll take some time to build up trust in women again but that's a small price to pay in contrast to what that guy who knocked her up is going to pay.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[Clevelandfan]

Like I said, I told her that she made these decisions and that she obviously didn't love me when she was having sex with this other guy and trying to get pregnant. I told her that I have self respect and don't want any part of this right now. She isn't giving up though. She calls and e-mails convieniently around her live-in, fiances work schedule. Do any of you think that motherhood could change such a selfish person into a giving, more nurturing person? I mean,...If I gave her 6 months to a year to change that it would be worth another chance? Any thoughts?

[CaliGuy]

No. Go back and read the entire thread. She will just use you. She wants you to be responsible to help her fix her problems. Not a good basis for a relationship.

[Clevelandfan]

I hear you Caliguy,...but noone has ever heard of motherhood changing a selfish person? It doesn't sound reasonable that motherhood and time could change her some. Don't get me wrong,..I'm certainly not going to jump into anything,...just not sure if I should write her completely off. It is a mess though.

[jonny87]

You said she's in her early thirties? I'm not a psychologist, but a person's behavior and thought processes are pretty much set in stone at that point. No amount of hoping will change that. Sorry.