Just need a head check from the ful people at ls

[salmagundi]

yeah, la fille de Strasbourg... I dont think it took her too long to figure out that I'm not a good prospect. Problem is she is in the same program as my ex and must know fully the score with us. And I probably took too long deciding whether to ask her out or not while I waited too see what was happening with virginie. Anyway, I finally asked her last week if she wanted to go for a coffee and I got "I dunno..." She was totally cold.

 

But you see, Virginie sort of got between us too. At a show one night two weeks ago I was talking to the french girl and Virg, who was there, came over towards the end of the night and started pissing on her territory...she got all cozy with me in front of Anais. Last tuesday later I ran into her (Anais) in the art building and we were talking about this cheesy guy who wrote her a sappy love song that creeped her out and I said "well, look on the bright side, nobody ever wrote me a chanson d'amour" and she said "well, maybe I will..." But then? Virginie sees us talking and...you guessed it...got all friendly with me in front of her. So...the moral...even when your ex doesnt want you they dont want anyone else to have you either.

 

And this is the second woman that shes done this with. She'll make a monk out of me yet...

 

sallmmagundi

[riobikini]

RE:

 

Sal: " I wonder if you, Rio, can give me a womans perspective on what this means? Why won't she just cut me loose? Is there still something here, if I'm willing to wait around for it? Or should I forget and move on? "

 

Dear Sal,

 

The more I review your thread, the more I am convinced that Virginie is simply a young woman who is in love with love.

 

In other words, she wants the drama of romance, but not necessarily the responsibility of an honest-to-goodness relationship.

 

She is exhausting all the cliche' scenarios of a tragic love-tale, here, -and is actively, although slowly, killing off all hope of ever stepping foot into a realistic relationship.

 

Virginie is like a gypsy who keeps making new cards mysteriously appear when the ones dealt do not suit her, and it confuses the onlooker's perception of what is real and what is imagined.

 

And being the clever and romantic character she has, so far, been proven to be, I have but one thing to say: Sal, it is time you cut and run, my friend.

 

Go find the French girl, and take her to dinner.

 

Give to her even one-tenth of the time, effort, thought, kindness, patience, and caring that you have given to Virginie and, I think that, with even a speck of luck, you will fare far better.

 

And your poor heart and mind will finally feel as if they are back on the planet, again.

 

It is not a cop-out, -it does not make you a quitter, -but it will make you happier, less confused, -and wiser.

 

Now, you have more reason than ever to know more French.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[salmagundi]

Thanks Rio.

 

You know you are onto something, eh. I talked to her best friend Véronique the other night. Me and her are very good friends as well. She told me some interesting things that back up what you are saying, and make it all more complicated (no, I wasnt milking her for info, in fact we only talked about her a little, but our social circle is small so it is inevitable that all our friends end up in the middle of us...in fact they know better whats going on than either of us.)

 

Anyway, Virginie is super messed up right now. I guess I already knew that. Véro has a new boyfriend (also an english canadian) that she is full on in love with after visiting over Xmas in british columbia. She told me that virginie seems to really dislike hearing about it because she, in Véro's words, has problems falling in love and then panicking when she gets in too deep and then sabotaging everything. But she really WANTS to be in love. And apparently with me. But she has had this problem forever. Virginie herself has told me of this problem where she cant keep a relationship past a year or so. In fact, the only man who dumped her (instead of the other way around) is also the one that 10 years later she is still f**cked up over. He left her because he put her through the same **** she is putting me through... (I guess if I dumped her cold and moved on my chances would improve dramatically...)

 

Vero says that unlike any other time in her life, right now Virginie is staying away from other men (me included, right now). She is trying to figure herself out. She is trying to turn off her 'charm'. Virginie has this in spades, a crazy female magnetism that makes men like me lose their minds. Apparently its making her lose hers too. Virg doesnnt want to cut the link between us because she wants to figure herself out and then see what could still happen. We have too much in common (in fact, I have much the same mindsetas her, but I'm a little older and have more fully worked out my weird commitment phobias). It would be terrible if we lost each other because, like she once said, we are like two halves of the same whole (like in Platos symposium, she was citing Aristophanes i think, but anyway...)

 

But its too much confusion for me. She is apparently doing really terribly right now, is really confused, knows she is really confusing me, is distancing herself from me to get herself figured out but afraid that I will just give up and disappear on her. etc,

 

But Its getting to where there is much else I can do. I cant be there as a friend even if she needs that more than anything. ( I wish I could, but its too hard for me and when we get emotionally intimate we cant control the urge to get physically intimate as well, which messes things up right now.)

 

Never been this confused. I want more than anything that things could be straightforward for us. But they cant. Not right now.

 

):

 

salmagundi

[CaliGuy]

Sal,

 

I just wanted to give you some advice. Be wary of trying to 'fix' Virginie. Whatever issues she has, she needs to work them out on her own. Any involvement you have in the outcome will more than likely end up in a couple ways. She'll either resent you for trying to 'fix' her problems OR she will end up fixed and going for another guy.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is try and avoid 'enabling' her. Let her work through her own problems. In the meantime I would really recommend breaking off contact with her. Start dating someone else. As long as she has you on the that string she has no real reason to face her fears and make a decision. In the process you'll be the one left hanging.

 

Hopefully things work out for you.

 

And please, send some of those gorgeous French-Canandian women down here

[salmagundi]

Exactly what I'm doing. NC in a town like this isnt easy, and the university is hardly bigger than a large high school so its not easy but I just need to change some patterns and I should be able to avoid her. What you say about me enabling her is spot on, I think. I dont think its willful on her part but she cant resist leaning on me because of our connection and the fact that I understand her and listen to her. But I've dealt with my problems alone and she'll have to do the same.

 

I've got to stop thinking this is going to work out. But thats hard. I'm a diehard romantic

 

anyway,

 

salmagundi

[CaliGuy]

Exactly what I'm doing. NC in a town like this isnt easy, and the university is hardly bigger than a large high school so its not easy but I just need to change some patterns and I should be able to avoid her. What you say about me enabling her is spot on, I think. I dont think its willful on her part but she cant resist leaning on me because of our connection and the fact that I understand her and listen to her. But I've dealt with my problems alone and she'll have to do the same.

 

I've got to stop thinking this is going to work out. But thats hard. I'm a diehard romantic

 

anyway,

 

salmagundi

 

I'm right with you, Sal. I can NOT stay friends with my ex. I enabled her in many ways and basically stopped being a challenge when I told her I loved her (and she had not come to that conclusion).

 

Other than the email the other day about some junk mail, I've been on NC. My goal isn't to get back with her, it's to get over her and find someone else. If she comes back and is changed (at 30 years old I doubt she will change, ever) then maybe I'll revisit it. I'm not counting on it. I really want to try someone else to see what a happy relationship can be like where both people are in to each other.

[skeptik224]

I think that you have been "enabling" her as well. It's good that she's trying to figure things out but you need to take care of you right now. You need to cut the string and let nature take its course. You can't fix her. She can only fix herself. As long as she's stringing you along, she can't do that. She needs to basically hit bottom and realize (which I think she's starting to) that she has some issues that she needs to work out - alone. It sucks when someone you love is hurting so bad, and you can't do anything about it. Trust me...I know. But, there comes a time where you just have to walk away. It's kind of like what my ex said awhile back....

 

If you end things now, and she works on stuff, there'll still be a chance in the future. If things keep going the way they are, you may end up hating each other only to never have the chance again.

 

It sucks because it leaves things open ended - without closure - but with hope. Find the closure within you. There's plenty of time in the future if you choose to throw the friend card out to her...you can't do that now. No way....the same as me. Our stories are so similar, Sal...it's scary at times. She needs to let go (or work through) the effects of her past relationship so she can appreciate you - and all you have to offer.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

Sal: " Virg doesn't want to cut the link between us because she wants to figure herself out and then see what could still happen."

 

Sal,

 

Virginie does not have the degree hanging on her wall to be the one to 'figure herself out'.

 

She may need help with that.

 

Her problems have, apparently, been long-standing ones with which she has had little success in settling, all by herself.

 

 

-Rio

[salmagundi]

Well, looks like this will be the last installment.

 

We talked again. We met up for coffee. It was at a cafe downtown that we used to always meet in. We sat at the same table, by the window. We made small talk. Then we talked. She 'loves' me (je t'aime beacoup, the french equivalent of, "I love you, but not in that way.") But she cant be "in love" with me. An old staple here at LS, I'm guessing. Anyway, what can I say, at least she wasnt being ambiguous this time. Except to say that she really really wants us to still be friends because I'm really important to her its just that she cant risk having me over at her place for a while because if she does she'll want to have sex with me...

 

Hmmm...

 

What a headf*ck. I was almost relieved. In fact I was a bit ahead of her because I had already come to realize that love is a big heavy stone that ways a ton when its only being carried by one person. So I guess I'm not really in love with her anymore either. I mean, how can i be and still consider myself rational?

 

But what hurts is how, up until maybe two weeks ago, and all through december before I left for the holidays...she felt she had a free pass to keep coming into my life, calling me, crying, saying she missed me, coming on to me, inviting me over, visiting me at work etc etc.

 

Now? None of that, she wanted space. Christ, thats all I ever asked her for all the time after our breakup. "sure, maybe we can be friends one day but right now...I need space to get this figured out." Never lasted more than 48 hours before she would start coming around again. And while I always let her (my fault for not making her respect my boudaries is what I;ve learned) now its like if we so much as run into each other in the hall at school I feel like its a massive intrusion in her life.

 

Lesson learned? Never let the ex use you to get over you. Let them go find someone else. Because I think I played my own rebound with her. Its a bit like living above a grocery store, you dont have to go far to get what you need... I'll never put myself in that position again.

 

Hey, but guess what else? She says she still wants me to meet her mom whos visiting this weekend... I'm thinking not.

 

the crazy thing is I still really care about her. I cant stand watching her slowly fade out of my life. But what I cant stand even less is how soft that makes me feel. Why do i give a sh*t? Why am I so bloody forgiving all the time?

 

Oh right...its because I'm 'nice'.

 

anyway,

 

salmagundi

[CaliGuy]

Sal, glad you've come to that realization. She's wishy-washy and always has been. Use this for closure and go to NC. She wants it, give it her and let her deal with the consequences. You're right about love being a heavy stone when it's only carried by one person. So true.

 

Now go chase down that French girl

[skeptik224]

For Virginie to be in love with you, she has to love herself first. She has things she needs to work on within herself, and until she does, none of her relationships are going to survive. I think it'll be a long time coming before she's worked through things. When she finally does, there's not a doubt in my mind that you'll be the one she let get away. I think her games will continue, but I'm glad you've got the closure within yourself to move on. It sucks but at some point, she'll be contacting you again. Stay strong to your boundaries. If she does contact you, let it go and don't respond. It's not a game you're playing at this point. You need to do it to give yourself the time to heal. Don't do what I did this last time and respond. It only bites you in the ass a few days later. I know exactly what you're saying about the heavy stone. I've got my own stone I'm carrying.