Had sex with ex's friend & now are back together...do i need to disclose?

[Lost in Translation]

My boyfriend and I had a rollarcoaster relationship. We loved each other very much, but he's from a family of yellers/screamers which I'd never had to deal w/before. So instead of standing up to him I ended up cowering and doing anything I could think off to make him happy so he wouldn't yell. He finally broke it off after about 9 months.

 

From the begining his friend was friendly and went out of the way to make me comfortable. He would stick up for me and even had conversations w/my boyfriend to tell him he needed to start treating me better. At first I thought it was strange that his friend would take his phone and start talking to me. But after a while I started enjoying talking to him. We could talk about anything. The last time we saw each other before the ex and I broke up, he gave me his phone number.

 

A couple weeks after the breakup the best friend and I started emailing each other. Then we got together to watch some movies. It was all friendly & innocent. I admit it was enjoyable to be with someone so easy going and calm. One night my ex, his date and the friend went out drinking. After my ex went home w/his date, the best friend called me and I met him at the bar. One thing lead to another and we ended up at his house. Wow! I don't know what happened to the laid back person I thought he was. He was very rough and practically forced me to give him head. I have been assaulted before which made it even more frightening for me.

 

After that night I didn't hear from him for a while. Finally, I emailed him and told him if he was after a one night stand he should have told me b/c it wasn't what I was interested in. He wrote back & said he wanted to contact me but didn't know what to say. And that he wasn't looking for a one night stand either but my ex was still upset b/c he found out we were talking.

 

Fast forward two months. My ex stopped by to talk to me. We hashed out a lot of the issues we had before,,,without screaming. And since then we have both really been trying to work together to make the relationship work.

 

The friend, me and the b/f hang out a lot together. The b/f has noticed his friend is acting kind of sad, distant and quiet. I know if he is told my b/f will break up with me and will break off the friendship.

 

My question is whether he should be told about what happened with the friend and me? On one hand I don't think it is any of his business what happened while we were broken up. On the other hand, if it were me I'd be more upset by not being told right away then by what happened.

[Kengne]

My boyfriend and I had a rollarcoaster relationship. We loved each other very much, but he's from a family of yellers/screamers which I'd never had to deal w/before. So instead of standing up to him I ended up cowering and doing anything I could think off to make him happy so he wouldn't yell. He finally broke it off after about 9 months.

 

From the begining his friend was friendly and went out of the way to make me comfortable. He would stick up for me and even had conversations w/my boyfriend to tell him he needed to start treating me better. At first I thought it was strange that his friend would take his phone and start talking to me. But after a while I started enjoying talking to him. We could talk about anything. The last time we saw each other before the ex and I broke up, he gave me his phone number.

 

A couple weeks after the breakup the best friend and I started emailing each other. Then we got together to watch some movies. It was all friendly & innocent. I admit it was enjoyable to be with someone so easy going and calm. One night my ex, his date and the friend went out drinking. After my ex went home w/his date, the best friend called me and I met him at the bar. One thing lead to another and we ended up at his house. Wow! I don't know what happened to the laid back person I thought he was. He was very rough and practically forced me to give him head. I have been assaulted before which made it even more frightening for me.

 

After that night I didn't hear from him for a while. Finally, I emailed him and told him if he was after a one night stand he should have told me b/c it wasn't what I was interested in. He wrote back & said he wanted to contact me but didn't know what to say. And that he wasn't looking for a one night stand either but my ex was still upset b/c he found out we were talking.

 

Fast forward two months. My ex stopped by to talk to me. We hashed out a lot of the issues we had before,,,without screaming. And since then we have both really been trying to work together to make the relationship work.

 

The friend, me and the b/f hang out a lot together. The b/f has noticed his friend is acting kind of sad, distant and quiet. I know if he is told my b/f will break up with me and will break off the friendship.

 

My question is whether he should be told about what happened with the friend and me? On one hand I don't think it is any of his business what happened while we were broken up. On the other hand, if it were me I'd be more upset by not being told right away then by what happened.

IMO: FULL DISCLOSURE

 

Normally I take the stance that whatever happens when a couple is broken up is none of their ex's DAMN business!! - but YOUR case is different because:

 

1. It involves sex - not just dating, but sex (even if it was only oral).

 

but more importantly...

 

2. It involves a friend - HIS BEST FRIEND! - not just some stranger!!

 

*shakes head*

 

I advocate full disclosure because chances are your current bf WILL find out abt the head incidenct (as I'm almost positive that sooner or later his best friend will blab)... and you want to get to him first, before he hears through the grapevine abt what went down. If you get to him FIRST, you can do more effective damage control than if you wait for your bf to confront you with the news.

 

NOW IMO -> messing with his friend?? THAT WAS A BIG NO NO! Never ever ever mess with friends of your ex. That's like shytting where you sleep - a terrrrrible idea!

 

But since you can't go back in time... all you can do is put on a strong front, & face the music.

 

Personally - I can't blame your ex if he breaks up with you. I'm not saying you're a terrible person, but IMO what you did - with his BEST FRIEND!! - was pretty damn bad. If I was in your bf shoes, and I got back together with ANY of my ex's and they told me "Oh btw K, I slept with your BEST FRIEND ____ while we we broken up." .... WHAT THE F&CK!!!!

 

I'd be PISSED.

 

That's a major NO NO in my books, and shows utter disrespect. I'd cut off BOTH my alleged best friend, AND my damn bf!

 

But that's just me!

 

K.

[salmagundi]

you know, normally I would advise you to say nothing because you were broken up and quite honestly, if me and an ex were to get together, finding out she had slept with someone else in the meantime would be something I would just not want to know, that could only f*ck things up.

 

But here I agree with Kengne, insofar as...ok once you tell him you know you're f*cked and its over but on the other hand...if you dont tell him its goinng to loom over your relationship. You will have to live knowing that this little 'secret' could come out at any time, any day. That would drive me nuts, especially if the bestfriend is often around. Your bf will pick up on his vibe. One day they'll be drinking and he'll ask the bestfreind whats up, whats bothering him. Your bf might get to thinking. Hell, he probably already ease unless he's a naive babe in the woods.

 

My best friends ex did this to me. Or rather, I did it too my best friend. Or I let her do it to me. Or to him. It sucks and you shouldn't have done it. It was seven years before me and my friend spoke again. Once. Three years ago.

 

But its done and we've all done worse.

 

good luck.

 

salmagundi

[clhootie]

First of all let me say I do feel for you. I'm glad all of us don't have best friends like the ex does.

 

I disagree with full disclosure. Yes, I'm sure you are both feeling terrible about what happened. You seem to both love the guy (the ex) But would you be disclosing because you felt terrible and think you will feel better by sharing? If that's what you think then you will be sadly mistaken. The guilt and pain you feel will not go away because you disclose. If you both care about the friend then you need to deal with your guilt alone and not be so selfish as to spread the pain around.

 

I do agree the best friend may confess in a fit of conscience. But from what you have told us about him, his conscience doesn't seem to be functioning very well.

 

I would talk to the best friends and try to put it in the past between the two of you. After all it is the both of your problem and you need to deal with it. Try and make him realize how much you love the boyfriend and how you really want to make it work. Tell him you aren't going to say anything because you realize he values the friendship and you would appreciate it if he would respect your trying to make it work.

 

I know this will be a contriversial reply but it is how I feel.

[salmagundi]

Much as I agree with my own advice and that of Kengne's, I also agree with the previous post, which goes to show that this sh*t is complicated and there is no easy way out, unfortunately. But if you can be certain the best friend will both get over you and keep his mouth shut about the whole thing, then ok, maybe best to keep this skeleton in the closet. If he's into you still, he'll hurt for a while but at any rate, he wasnt into enough to not treat you like a cheap prostitute (sorry if that sounds harsh but he is a dick, it seems.)

 

Fact is, if your bf finds out he'll dump you...but he'll kick his friends ass too so that should keep him real quiet, I guess.

 

good luck,

 

salmagundi

[LN8840K]

Why not just admit to yourself that you don't want to be in a relationship with your ex and simply end it ......then all the drama and heartbreak that is sure to come from this situation can be avoided .....

 

I would bet you can't wait to tell your ex what happened, and lets face it, if you were that into your ex you would not put yourself in this position to begin with.

 

Let the drama begin

[lilmoma1973]

 

Tell him and that will probably will end it for you and his friend's relationship as well but you have to be honest if you really want to work on this relationship .. Honesty is the best policy but except the consequences of him being mad but will realize you two was broke up and he had someone as well!!

[cygny]

i wouldn't tell your ex unless you first of all insisted that he tell you about his sexual experiences during the breakup. i realize that it is a different set of circumstances but that will level the playing field a little bit. and girl you are going to need all the help you can get.

[crazy_grl]

Whether you tell him or not, you're in for a crap load of drama. I can't think of a single outcome that doesn't at the very least involve going through a lot of **** before things are even okay.

 

1. You tell him and he breaks up with you.

2. You tell him and he stays with you. There's bound to be some fighting between you and him, and probably between you and the friend and your bf and the friend. If your bf is still a screamer, things could get ugly.

3. You don't tell him and he stays with you. But there will always be the chance that his friend will spill it all at some point down the road. Even if you have a chat with him and he agrees never tell, you have no control over whether he'll follow through. He could get really drunk some night and tell all. Wouldn't be the first time that kind of thing's happened. At that point, you end up with the same results as option 1 & 2. You just delayed it.

 

I think you have to ask yourself whether this guy is really worth all that, because you're not going to be able to just pretend it didn't happen. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you really screwed up your chances of reconciliation by sleeping with his best friend. Now you've got to face the consequences.

[cygny]

to be honest what bothers me most about your story is that your ex is a screamer (ok i realize he is trying to change) and the friend was forceful. can't you find nicer men to be with? the fact that the friend became forceful would lead me to not be trusting of him. he could blackmail you down the road. i also didn't like that you were cowering. just sounds like a bad situation to be in, that's all.

[Jey Dey Dey]

First of all were you sober when he called? I mean why would you hook up with his best friend if you wanted to get back with your boyfriend? I don't care if he's the best friend in the world, once it's over I would only be his friend to find out about my ex, to talk to him about the relationship knowing he would talk to your ex. Than again, I would just cut them off, there so many guys out there, specially if you were just looking for a friend.

 

Anyways. You are screwed. You tell him and he breaks up with you for good or his BF tells him and than he calls you a couple of names and breaks up with you.

 

I would call the BF up and ask him to meet somewhere because I wanted to talk to him. Face to face is better, you can read a person. Tell him that you and your ex are back together, that you love each other and are really trying to see where it goes. That you had some drinks that night when he called and didn't really think it through (I know) but normally you wouldn't have. Not because he isn't a catch (pet the ego) but because he is his BF and even if it doesn't end up working out you still could never date him because you'd have to move on completely (he won't get ideas to break you up just so he can date you).

 

And this is the bomb, say that you would tell your ex but he would want details and wouldn't stop until he knew everything and that's when you tell him that he was rough with you, which confused you, but you don't want to say anything. Tell him you are not going to say anything happened because you don't know how he will react and you also don't want to mess their friendship up. See how he takes it. If he sees you are blatant enough to mention his rough actions he knows if he doesnt agree that you will tell your BF. This is the only solution I can think of. Yeah, you can keep quiet but you'll always fear that he will tell him, no matter how long you guys go out for you'll always be wondering when and if he'll tell him. And if you take the honesty route you know he'll break up with you. If my BF tells me he ate my bf pussy while on a break I'd tell them to go **** themselves because both the friendship and relationship would never be the same. It would always be on the back of my head. Oh and if your boyfriend does find out, you could play the I was kinda drunk, he called and told me you all went drinking and you went home with you date to hook up. I was angry, jelaous, and didn't think we'd ever get back together again. Tell him it was just oral, it was forced, you hated it, regret it etc. Once you do this if he forgives you, he's probably going to beat the crap out of his friend and lose his friend.

 

This is really messed up. Normally I don't agree with the whole I was drunk I didn't do it thing since it's messed up but insanity wouldn't work.

[Lost in Translation]

Thanks for your posts.

 

I wanted to let you know, Jey Dey Dey, I did NOT think my ex & I would get back together. In fact, I had no intention of ever giving him a 2nd chance. And, yes, I was quite drunk when the b/f called me. I don't think its an excuse, it did give me quite bad judgement. It seems we all agree on that.

 

I want everyone to know I didn't go out with the b/f because he was my ex's b/f. I did it in spite of it. I knew it was a bad idea but up to that point he (the bf) really seemed to be a good guy & we seemed to have something special. At the time, my thought process was...my ex decided he needed to see other people and I'll be DAMNED if he's going to (1) tell me who I can see & (2) keep me from someone who I may have the potential of having a long term loving relationship with. It may have been a good thought process, only over the wrong person.

 

Yes, cygny, it was a very bad situation. I really appreciate your concern. This time I'm starting the relationship from a different place. I realized while single, with the exception of the bf, there are some really good guys out there. I learned a lot from the mess I contributed in making. I realize I don't have to put up w/the screaming and intimidation. If it starts again I'm walking away instantly.

 

If anyone has this issue in the future and is thinking of getting back with the ex. YES, be damn sure to tell him right away before agreeing to start over.

 

At this point it feels like the time which has past will only intensify the hurt. To find out your best friend is not a friend at all, in addition to finding out your girlfriend has been with him and add that to the fact you have all been hanging out together. No, no way. I can't do it to him. If the best friend wants to spill then I accept the consequences, but I will not be the one to inflict the pain. We all make mistakes, and while mine was huge, I'd rather live the rest of my life with the guilt and shame, then to inflict the pain of knowing on him.