Mom's strange.

[Michaelmichael]

My mom acts strangely, and I was hoping someone could give me any information on what her problem might be.

 

Most of the time, which is only about the duration of less than a week, she's a little loud, demanding, kind of bitchy, extremely manipulative, and condesending, but can still be friendly and kind occationally, but sometimes this will only be mock kindness at your expense. This is simply how she is most of the time.

 

Sometimes her voice will be absolutely cold and indifferent, and it's actually kind of scary, because she will act as though she doesn't care about me or anyone else but herself. Othertimes, it will be sort of sing-songy, and she'll be overly nice. She knows I think she has a real problem, and this kind of friendlyness seems to be more of an attempt to convince me, as well as herself that she's alright.

 

She cares A LOT about how other people see her, and will always be outwardly kind whenever we're around people we aren't usually around.

 

She's been trying to manipulate my memories of her behavior since I was a child. The problem is, I will never forget. She will try to say that such-and-such never happened, or reduce how often it happened, or try stratigies like convincing me that I never had a certain tire swing at a place we used to live --- therefor any other memories I have of that place are also wrong, ext.

 

She has had a less than happy childhood that probably involved verbal and physical abuse. She spoke once directly of sexual abuse by a babysitter, but this seemed to me more to get attention, because I doubt anyone who was really sexually abused would bring it up abruptly at a family reunion diner. She also divorced my dad about ten years ago, and you can't go a day without her working all of this into whatever conversation you're having with her. Most of the time she will warp something into a story that ends with how stupid or petty or untrustworthy "your father is."

 

Growing up with her was miserable, mainly because, aside from being unpredictably explosive and generally mean, she doesn't seem capable of being loving for more than short durations, and ONLY after she'd done something terrible to me and I was crying. In all the time I've known her, and I swear to God about this, she's never admitted she was wrong or apoligised for anything.

 

I'm twenty-two now, and I've grown to hate her, but I don't feel this is right, and would like to know what might be wrong with her. I hope someone can help.

 

M.

[witabix]

First let me say that I am no psychologist.

 

I do not know what is going on in your mothers head, or what has happened to her.

 

I want to say this though. It has been my experience that almost no one is truly a 'bad' person. I think it is good that now you are old enough you are going in search of answers to what has happened here.

 

You say your feelings toward your mother feel wrong, I hope you do get some answers. It is good thing to understand the motivations behind someone's behaviour that has caused you pain.

 

Have you ever told your mother what you said in your post?

[EMJ]

My Grandmother, who is dying, now is the same way. Maybe worse. She had 9 children, ignored and neglected them all, and they including my mother are very messed up emotionally. When she did pay attention it was to verbally abuse them. She had children who are now grandparents and are still trying to understand what happened.

 

They were not good parents to their children as a result of growing up in that kind of environment. You, even as a child, could see her dysfunctions, but as a child what could you do? I saw it too but was powerless as a child as well.

 

It is likely that she was sexually abused. Lots of women are touched or worse as little girls, something like 4 out of 10 by the time they are 18 years old, it's a large number I've read. The molestors are almost always someone in a position of trust, family or close friend. Who else can get that kind of access to the child? This shatters all the trust she has in people very early and does scar one emotionally.

 

The vast majority can never say anything about it. The abuser puts the blame & shame on the child to keep them quiet. Or if they do are callled liars by the people who are supposed to protect them. As adults they easily can become emotionally abusive and frequently self destructive in a lot of ways. It's a messed up way to try protect themselves from being a victim again. It's not often conscious, she might not even know why she acts the way that she does out of habit.

 

The results and actions you describe in your post are not that uncommon. She never got the help and protection as a child and it shows in so many ways. My mother, who prides herself on "being strong" is pretty damaged too. She's not at all strong, just loud, and is a terrible decision maker. Alcoholism, drugs, lots of escapism, neglecting her own children, and frequent bouts of depression have run rampant in my family for years. Self medicating is a common way to prevent themselves from dealing with the horrible truth. It's easier for them to think the problem is other people.

 

Your Mom sounds like someone who has been trying to figure it out. She may also be bring up the sexual abuse because she may be looking for validation from other family members who may also have been abused. There is usually more than one sexually abused child in the family.

 

The things you say about her not being able to be loving for more than short periods of time, etc. are pretty classic symptoms. Not that she will take any advice, but someone (?) who she has some level of trust with should recommend and help her find some appropriate counseling. It's not likely that she'd be open to it. But don't dismiss her claims, her "strange" behavior seems to demonstrate serious childhood damage. If you recognize this it might give you a bit more compassion.

 

You still have to protect yourself from additional abuse. I limit my contact with them for my own sanity. Don't personalize it. I don't anymore. Good luck I hope this is helpful.

[gfpjay1232]

hey man you think you got it bad but im at a freaking military academy just because i made a few bad mistakes in my life. dude my mom doesnt give a **** what the **** i do. its my dad that gives a ****. im 16 and my dad tells me that i should stay away from girls just because he had me at 16. he knows i have sex probably everyday. he gave up and just sent me here.

[Lil Honey]

Michael:

 

Another thing that matters (probably to a lesser extent), is your mom's age. I've heard a lot of stories about women going through menopause.

 

Also, she may be taking medications that are affecting her disposition.

 

I think that EMJ makes some valid points. Take a look at her childhood. For example, my dad wasn't the most pleasant person to grow up around. When I got older, I took a look at his childhood and "got over" my childhood by seeing that he didn't have any good role models, so how could he be a good dad? I basically had to find some way to be understanding and forgiving.