should i feel used?

[melody]

i am seeking opinions about how others feel about having sex with someone who has made it clear that they intend to marry someone else. is it rude to tell someone this or is this just being honest. since the one who the person intends to marry is a figment of his imagination, who is a fantasy model of the type of woman he would like to be with should he be brought back to reality and helped to understand that telling someone who you are wanting to have sex with that you are thinking about another women being too honest? why would you bother than to have sex with someone who you plan to have no future with? is it just a for the moment thing or are you just using another woman until your fantasy woman arrives? what are your thoughts about this remark, opinions please.

[Marzipan]

I think that it isn't really a relationship. You need to have a mutual respect and all it seems this person is doing is disrespecting the person they are sleeping with. Yes they are being honest about their intentions but not exactly. The person who is doing this needs to see that whenever there is sex involved someone is going to get hurt. If this is you then you need to think about what kind of situation this is and how it is hurting you.

 

I understand fear of being alone but you have to see this is not going anywhere good. The other person sounds a bit delusional and egocentric if anything else. If he is sleeping w/you and pretending that he's not in anyway leading you on then he's lying to himself and you. You asked the question :Why sleep w/someone if you don't intend to have a future w/them? I think fear of lonliness is a factor somewhere in there.

 

Get out of that situation fast. Do you really want to settle for a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you? That's exactly what it sounds like. Ask yourself if you are getting what you want out of it. If you are in the situation because you think you will be able to change this person's mind in time then you need to end it because it doesn't sound like they are going to change.

 

I'm sorry to say it like that but it sounds like you are settling for something when you could be out there with someone else who is better. Don't sell yourself short, there's always someone out there who will be willing to have an actual monogamous relationship with you.

 

Also, make sure you are protecting yourself here because you never know who the other people are actually sleeping with. This person doesn't sound like they care about you or respect you and you deserve both of those qualities in a relationship.

 

Good luck, I hope this helps.

 

Marz

 

i am seeking opinions about how others feel about having sex with someone who has made it clear that they intend to marry someone else. is it rude to tell someone this or is this just being honest. since the one who the person intends to marry is a figment of his imagination, who is a fantasy model of the type of woman he would like to be with should he be brought back to reality and helped to understand that telling someone who you are wanting to have sex with that you are thinking about another women being too honest? why would you bother than to have sex with someone who you plan to have no future with? is it just a for the moment thing or are you just using another woman until your fantasy woman arrives? what are your thoughts about this remark, opinions please.

[scotch]

I say dont do anything. That is so rude. Even if he thinks that-- it is rude. I mean, unless you dont care

i am seeking opinions about how others feel about having sex with someone who has made it clear that they intend to marry someone else. is it rude to tell someone this or is this just being honest. since the one who the person intends to marry is a figment of his imagination, who is a fantasy model of the type of woman he would like to be with should he be brought back to reality and helped to understand that telling someone who you are wanting to have sex with that you are thinking about another women being too honest? why would you bother than to have sex with someone who you plan to have no future with? is it just a for the moment thing or are you just using another woman until your fantasy woman arrives? what are your thoughts about this remark, opinions please.

[BeenThere]

Sounds like what the guy is trying to say (although a little wordy) is that he isn't interested in having a committed relationship with you...he just wants sex.

 

It's up to you to decide if you'll accept his terms. Is this good enough or do you deserve more?...

i am seeking opinions about how others feel about having sex with someone who has made it clear that they intend to marry someone else. is it rude to tell someone this or is this just being honest. since the one who the person intends to marry is a figment of his imagination, who is a fantasy model of the type of woman he would like to be with should he be brought back to reality and helped to understand that telling someone who you are wanting to have sex with that you are thinking about another women being too honest? why would you bother than to have sex with someone who you plan to have no future with? is it just a for the moment thing or are you just using another woman until your fantasy woman arrives? what are your thoughts about this remark, opinions please.

[melody]

thanks been there,

 

i think you are right it seems that all he wants is sex and i wonder is that a bad thing? aren't most of us the same? i feel like he wants more but because of age differences and a number of other differences, culture, etc... that the implied message is i can find someone better. this is not good for one's self esteem and i need to think about you question which is important don't i deserve more. i believe i do but it seems that most of the men i have encountered view relationships from the same angle. so one can feel trapped and question one's worth as a woman when you are only viewed as a sex partner and nothing more. i'd like to believe that i mean more than this to men but lately i feel like this is all that a person means or is looking for. another inportant question that needs to be looked at is why do i put up with this? I am not a desperate woman and there are other possibilities, but perhaps my fantasy of being swept off your feet by the knight in shining armour is preventing me from seeing the reality that some relationships are only about sex and no committments. once i accept this reality than i can begin to view the "relationship" realistically.

Sounds like what the guy is trying to say (although a little wordy) is that he isn't interested in having a committed relationship with you...he just wants sex. It's up to you to decide if you'll accept his terms. Is this good enough or do you deserve more?...

[melody]

dear marizpan,

 

thanks for your response, what you say makes sense. i agree it doesn't feel like a real relationship but an exploitative one. i agree that there is potential for both parties to be hurt. but the one who is feeling used hurt the most. i do feel like he is leading one on and what is difficult to understand is what is the purpose of all of this. why pursue someone if all you need from them is sex. sex with or without love, caring, mutual respect then becomes just an empty act and a way to satisfy ourselves without really condsidering the needs or wants of the other person. yes loneliness has a lot to do with the choices we make, yet there are other possibilities but the fear is that they will all be the same. i don't believe i can change him that would take his growing up. but i can be in dialogue with him about if he wants another woman why hasn't he found her. i don't believe this person is as secure as he portrays himself to be. i agree that caring and respect are important in a relationship and the need to be protected. it seems i have painted the person to be a jerk but there are some redeeming qualities to him, he can be very giving, caring and affectionate. i think his focus on finding a YOUNGER PRETTIER OR MORE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN HAS TO DO WITH HIS FEELINGS OF BEING WITH AN OLDER WOMAN. BUT THAT WAS HIS CHOICE. WHY HE CHOSE THIS I DK. BUT IF HE REALLY WANTED A DIFFERENT WOMAN WHO HE WANTS TO MARRY WHICH I ALSO DOUBT SINCE HE HASN'T CHOSEN TO BE MARRIED WHY EVEN BRING UP THE TOPIC. I THINK THE CONFLICT HAS TO DO WITH PERHAPS HIS UNCONSCIOUS WISH TO BE MARRIED BUT FOR WHATEVER REASON NOT MEETING THE TYPE OF WOMAN WHO HE FANTASIZES ABOUT. NOW HE ASKS SHOULD HE HAVE SEX WITH AN 18 OR 19 YEAR OLD. That is his choice but as you can see america's obsession with youth and vitality is what drives most men. and yet the question i might ask myself is why have i chosen someone who is much younger than 10 years to be exact. what does that say about either of us? I want a companion and friend and affectionate partner, all the rest doesn't really matter. so if he can't be that i guess like you suggest i need to move on because it is not a good situation.

I think that it isn't really a relationship. You need to have a mutual respect and all it seems this person is doing is disrespecting the person they are sleeping with. Yes they are being honest about their intentions but not exactly. The person who is doing this needs to see that whenever there is sex involved someone is going to get hurt. If this is you then you need to think about what kind of situation this is and how it is hurting you. I understand fear of being alone but you have to see this is not going anywhere good. The other person sounds a bit delusional and egocentric if anything else. If he is sleeping w/you and pretending that he's not in anyway leading you on then he's lying to himself and you. You asked the question :Why sleep w/someone if you don't intend to have a future w/them? I think fear of lonliness is a factor somewhere in there. Get out of that situation fast. Do you really want to settle for a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you? That's exactly what it sounds like. Ask yourself if you are getting what you want out of it. If you are in the situation because you think you will be able to change this person's mind in time then you need to end it because it doesn't sound like they are going to change. I'm sorry to say it like that but it sounds like you are settling for something when you could be out there with someone else who is better. Don't sell yourself short, there's always someone out there who will be willing to have an actual monogamous relationship with you. Also, make sure you are protecting yourself here because you never know who the other people are actually sleeping with. This person doesn't sound like they care about you or respect you and you deserve both of those qualities in a relationship.

 

Good luck, I hope this helps. Marz