BUTAFLY Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 would you want to know if your husband/fiance has been having an Affair with another women? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 yes. Since I'm married, the driving reason would be to get us into counselling to heal the relationship we've had for this long, though I imagine there'd be a lot of hurt and trust issues to work through. however, if I were engaged or dating the guy, I'd dump his butt, pronto. Life's too short to be stuck with someone who doesn't "get" one-on-one relationships nor is committed to the idea of being monogamous when he's asking it of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 however, if I were engaged or dating the guy, I'd dump his butt, pronto. Life's too short to be stuck with someone who doesn't "get" one-on-one relationships nor is committed to the idea of being monogamous when he's asking it of me. Why is the consequence different if you are married? Married or not, he obviously wouldn't be get the idea of one-on-one relationships. Could you elaborate please? Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 Yes I would want to know. I would think alot of people would want to know. Then theres some that would just assume not know. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 12, 2006 Author Share Posted January 12, 2006 ok ...now would you blam the husband/fiance or the other women Link to post Share on other sites
RainyDayWoman Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 i am engaged. yes, i would want to know...that way i could get out before i sealed the deal with actual marriage. if a woman is kept from the fact that the man she is dating is otherwise spoken for, it is not her fault unless she does find outm yet still doesn't end it. and the one who strays in an otherwise healthy relationship is always "at fault", that goes without saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Jeffrey Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 What difference does it make? So, you cheating on your woman or something? In a general sense, the blame falls with the husband/fiance, the 'other woman' or whatever, was probably lied to and didn't know he was engaged (cheating while engaged? How stupid) or married. Where as the cheater KNOWS they're cheating. Can you accidently fall over and slip your genitals into someone else? ok ...now would you blam the husband/fiance or the other women Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 Why is the consequence different if you are married? Married or not, he obviously wouldn't be get the idea of one-on-one relationships. Could you elaborate please? as a married woman, I've got a vested interest in my relationship with my husband, all based on what I believe as the sacrementality of a marriage. Engagement isn't a 100 percent exclusive deal in a lot of people's minds, because there's still wiggle room: you can still call it off. Marriage is a much different mindset because it's a legal, sacramental and spiritual contract even if you've eloped before a justice of the peace, IMHO. who would I blame? Definitely my husband/boyfriend, because he understands that he is in a relationship with me. The woman he's screwing around with ... yeah, I'd be pissed at her, and probably jealous, too, but mostly, I'd feel really sorry for her for being a pendeja for getting suckered into believing that there was nothing going on between him and I. While there are some women who chase after married men because they are married and they don't care who they hurt, the vast majority of women are convinced (as evidenced by the number of posts from confused and/or hurt OW) they're with a man who, for all intents and purposes, is single and available. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 would you want to know if your husband/fiance has been having an Affair with another women? Of course i would want to know!! why not? Better to know than be made a fool of!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 12, 2006 Author Share Posted January 12, 2006 I don't think I'm a pendeja. I was dating a man for seven months when I found out he was engaged. Of course I was reeling in anger for decieving me and his finace. I stopped seeing him on a personal level and kept it strictly professional (we work together). He continued to call me and felt that he could confide in me about his relationship. This man said he was getting married for all the wrong reasons and spoke poorly about her and her kids which made me even more repusled by him. I felt I owed it to her to let her know what her man was up to, so I wrote a letter. I could bring myself to mail the letter because I had mixed feelings on how it would be taken. 1. she will read it and married him anyway...she it in her 30's & has 3kids. 2. she wouldn't believe me or think I want her man. 3. she would dump him and he would have nothing (he clams he's marring for financial reasons). he his a pathetic loser & everything he has is because of her. So I gave the letter to a friend and asked her to mail it for me. Well to find out she never mailed it. She read it and thought why ruin her dream wedding. I see the wife around towne but she has no idea who I am . I want to tell but they have been married for 5months now and it seems way after the fact . what do you all think? tell or not? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 This is a difficult one, particularly since it's already after the fact. First of all, while I'm sorry for how you were deceived, I have so much respect for someone like you who finds the courage (and dignity) to remove themselves from a situation upon the moment of learning the "truth." I'm sure it must have been difficult for you regardless of your shock and anger. Perhaps then would have been the perfect time to alert his fiancé. Particularly since you were unaware of his engagement prior, and therefore were not a willing participant in this affair. But I can also understand your reluctance to do so. At this late date, if I were in the same situation, I would only consider warning this woman if this man continues to pursue you. Otherwise, you're delayed reaction might come into question and seem like the spiteful antics of a woman scorned … or someone who still may be interested in ending the marriage for her own personal reasons. I don't know. It's a tough call. It depends on your motives, I guess. Do you really feel sorry for her? … Or do you just want to get back at him for what he did to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 I have forgiven and moved on. ( this took months, because i was really head over heals for him). I was waiting for him to approach me at work yelling and screaming but he never did. Then I figured he was playing it cool, acting like her finding out was not big deal. I did Not suspect that my friend never mailed the letter. No wonder he kept flirting and calling me to say he made a mistake in marrying her. Do I feel sorry for her? Well when I wrote the letter I did feel sorry for her, another innocent victim. But then I later learned she was his mistress from his first marriage. She told his first wife she was pregnant, his wife then divorced him, she then admitted she was not pregnant. After that I no longer felt sorry for her. Do I want to get back at him? NO. I do think marriage his good for him. Keeps him off the streets and other women are somewhat safe. ya know like when your neighbors dog poops in your yard...you call the owner to come clean up the mess and get the dog. He's now someone elses problem/ responsiblity. If she left him he would just be a pathetic soul wondering aimlessly. would it be satifying to see him suffer...Yes ...but after a while it would just be sad. I just want her to know because I believe it's the right thing to do and I would want the power to make my own decision...to stay or to go. Like I said it is after the fact..eventhough he made latenight phone calls from outside on his cell phone, after he got back from his honeymoon, to me telling me how misirable he is. (I suspect to rekindle what we had) I told him day that if he s telling me all this to sleep with me again he is waisting his time and suddenly everything stopped cold. No talks at work or latenight phone calls. I suspect he has given up on me and moved on to a new target. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 congratulations, honey ~ you're one of the rare women who has had the balls to put her foot down because she values herself more than she does a lying, cheating skunk. I think it's safe to say that HE'S the pendejo in this equation, simply because he refuses to change his behavior .... Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 yes so i wouldnt marry the cheater. did you hear the internet swope about the guy who made a great toast to his wife at their wedding and thanked her dad for paying a ton for the whole deal and then told the guests to look under their chairs, there were envelopes taped to the bottom of each one , a present to each guest. it was a picture of the new bride making love to the best man of all people and the father and all the guests were in shock. the new groom told both the bride and best man to f off and walked out and had the whole thing anolled in the morning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 WOW.....how great is that!!! I wish I had the nerve to do something like that. My guy is a deacon at a church. I wanted to put copies of pictures of us together along with a nice note on each car in the parking lot during church service...thats when I really mad. I wish I had the balls to do it, that would have been priceless!!! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 My guy is a deacon at a church. What !?!? Okay, you almost had me. This is a joke, right ?? Link to post Share on other sites
RainyDayWoman Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 What !?!? Okay, you almost had me. This is a joke, right ?? it very well could be a fake post, like any can, but i wouldn't base it on a deacon having an affair. being involved in church hardly indicates perfection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 NO this is not a fake post. When it happened I couldn't believe it either...that someone like that could go to such levels. When I asked him why, he would hide behind stupid sayings like, "I'm not perfect ..no one is" or "I'm only a man and not married yet" And my faith taught me to forgive but he has no remorse for what he did. I really feel sorry for him. He became a deacon to impress his wifes dad who is a minister of a small local church to 'prove he changed his old womanizing ways and to show he wants to be apart of her family. WoW he went to great lenghts right well he tells me its been all a lie and has gone so far in the lie to prove he was different he couldn't turn back. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 In fact, I do know. The woman was a waitress in a local restaurant and pursued my husband relentlessly (I know from outside sources.) My husband and I were angry with each other for a number of reasons - some good, some not so good, and as a result we both made some exceedingly bad choices. I left him for a time, and in his sadness and anger, he thought this woman and he were "friends". When she moved to California to become a school bus driver they began writing (emailing) each other. This "friendship" continued for 6-9 months. At that point she started kicking up the heat. She came north (we live near Seattle) to visit him, and began attempting to manipulate him into a "relationship" with her. This infuriated him - and he decided to get even - really with both of us. He was angry with me for leaving him, and with her for attempting to morph what he considered to be a friendship into a relationship. So, he proceeded to let her think that he was interested in her. (I think he really liked seeing that another woman was interested in him - I think it stroked his ego - and I hadn't been stroking it very well for awhile.) That went on for another 3 or 4 months. I began getting anonymous (hang-up) phone calls. The kind where someone is on the line, and stays on the line until you finally give up and hang-up. My husband had by that time convinced me to come back to him, but had not yet told me about this strange woman. Now, she was in town again, and my husband realized that he had set in motion something that could be TROUBLE, so sat down and talked to me about it. That was hard - on both of us. Fool that I am, I felt sorry for her, and we figured that possibly a nice present would appease her till she left, so I went and bought her a very nice set of candlesticks, which he gave to her. He felt the best time to tell her that he didn't want any further communication would be just as she was getting on the plane to return to California, so went to the airport to tell her, but she was (or pretended to be) in the middle of some crisis, so he called her later and told her over the phone. (Personally, I must admit, I think he simply chickened out at the last minute not wanting to create a scene in the airport.) For months he got continuing e-mails begging him to write her, until finally he had to close his business e-mail account and open a new one. Meanwhile, the anonymous phone calls continued. Finally after almost a year, we gave up and changed our phone number. We've been extremely careful about who gets the number, and monitor it on the Internet to ensure that it's not listed anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
monica_was_here Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 ohhhh, yes. I need to know these things. If they'd be freakin' honest to begin with, many an affair would die before it ever picked up any momentum. "Friends", for instance, that you do not know, being the "spouse", ARE NOT ALLOWED. If he/she has friends whom you do not know, STOMP THAT PROBLEM. My Husband had "friends" that were female that I wasn't aquainted with (NEW friends), and I had to put an abrubt stop to it. I'll post the whole story on another thread. Link to post Share on other sites
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