Communication issues

[spontaneouspassanger]

My SO and I have been dating for about four months. We have brought up the discussion of her being passive aggressive instead of coming directly to me with things that are bugging her and her defensiveness whenever I bring something up--she will say that it's on me or try to explain how my feelings are not right or wrong. I explained it the beginning of the relationship that understanding is very important to me. When she starts to explain how my feelings are wrong, I have told her it does not sound like she is trying to understand me, but defend herself.

One problem we have had was that when she was out of town for work one night, I was too tired to talk on the phone and texted her that I was going to bed while she was out and not responding. The next morning I noticed she was cold and did not respond and the usual that way she does in the morning. I had to ask her what was wrong because she was not going to tell me she was upset that we had not gotten to talk on the phone the previous night. This was about a month ago. We discussed how it would be important for her to tell me when she was upset because I do not like being confused and having to figure it out.

Last night, even though we talked after she got home from work I was very tired and texted her asking if I could go to bed wihtout chatting because I was tired. She didn't respond so within probably five minutes I called her and told her I was really tired and wanted to go to bed. I asked a little bit about her night and then we went to bed. This morning she was cold again so I called to avoid any confusion. She brought up that she was upset because she had not seen my text so that's why she was upset that the phone call was so brief. I told her on the phone that I brought up I was tired on the phone. We don't live together and she has told me previously that she feels like she misses me more before last week. She thinks it's easier for me to disconnect. I've told her I do miss her. And I do, but I take up my time with solo activities, the gym, cooking, and family time. She does not have a network and while I do think about her fondly, I have been busy with my own physical therapy as well. Last night she said she thinks she misses me more. I told her that was rude in a joking way (I should have just told her something else productive and regret that). This morning, I called to clear up the cold text again and brought up the missing me more on top of the cold shoulder from not talking because I was tired. When the phone call ended becuase I said she was being defensive and this wasn't a productive conversation, she took to texting, telling me that she only told me the "missing me more" thing once and that it was a joke. I don't like counting all the details. I'm wondering if these communication problems are small this early on or fixable. She has self-esteem issues and I am also not perfect at not people pleasing or avoiding conflict. I have had many relationships with bad communication and I am not sure if I am just extra trigger happy to leave or if these are things people have dealt with easier than I seem to be.

Edited April 25 by spontaneouspassanger
grammar

[introverted1]

This sounds exhausting.

What are the good things in your relationship?

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, spontaneouspassanger said:

She does not have a network

= not much of a life outside the relationship? 

 

[spontaneouspassanger]

@introverted1 We do laugh a lot together and when we first met I took it slow and noticed our values on spirituality/politics lined up. We like the same types of outings and have fun being outside together but I am noticing the things I heard on the first dates about having processed trauma are not showing up in action. Our arguments are becoming more and more frequent.

[spontaneouspassanger]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

= not much of a life outside the relationship? 

 

She moved here for work a year ago and it has been hard making friends locally. She is also burnt out from work so doing things outside of her high pressure job  happens with me maybe once during the week and the weekend or (like this week) when I spend the weekend at her place. I live with family atm so that's why our time is usually spent like this. edit: grammar

Edited April 25 by spontaneouspassanger
grammar + clarification

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, spontaneouspassanger said:

She moved here for work a year ago and it has been hard making friends locally. She is also burnt out from work so doing things outside of her high pressure job happen with me maybe once during the week or (like this week) when I spend the weekend at her place. I live with family atm so that's why our time is usually spent like this.

So in other words, no, not much of a life outside the relationship. 

This is part of the problem. Her world revolves entirely around you. That is never a good thing, as it places undue pressure on the other party (you) to be everything she lacks outside the partnership. That's not realistic or sustainable, as you are seeing. 

It would be one thing if she recognized this and didn't take it out on you, but that's not the case. You get the cold shoulder when you have a reasonable expectation of going to bed without a big chat sometimes. She sounds very emotionally high-maintenace, and that will quickly damage a relationship. Her way of dealing with her insecurity and unhappiness is punitive and immature. 

It seems there were red flags early on: 

10 minutes ago, spontaneouspassanger said:

the things I heard on the first dates about having processed trauma

A rather odd topic of conversation for the first dates, no? People who bring these things up early on are usually dragging around a very heavy suitcase of unresolved issues. 

13 minutes ago, spontaneouspassanger said:

Our arguments are becoming more and more frequent.

At just four months, this is a bad sign. 

[spontaneouspassanger]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So in other words, no, not much of a life outside the relationship. 

This is part of the problem. Her world revolves entirely around you. That is never a good thing, as it places undue pressure on the other party (you) to be everything she lacks outside the partnership. That's not realistic or sustainable, as you are seeing. 

It would be one thing if she recognized this and didn't take it out on you, but that's not the case. You get the cold shoulder when you have a reasonable expectation of going to bed without a big chat sometimes. She sounds very emotionally high-maintenace, and that will quickly damage a relationship. Her way of dealing with her insecurity and unhappiness is punitive and immature. 

It seems there were red flags early on: 

A rather odd topic of conversation for the first dates, no? People who bring these things up early on are usually dragging around a very heavy suitcase of unresolved issues. 

At just four months, this is a bad sign. 

The trauma stuff came up because she has not been in a relationship for years and also we're gay. Unresolved trauma with queer people is not at all uncommon so I thought it showed maturity that she's processed things like I had. I still think that could have been the case but she is proving me wrong I think. 

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, spontaneouspassanger said:

@introverted1 We do laugh a lot together and when we first met I took it slow and noticed our values on spirituality/politics lined up. We like the same types of outings and have fun being outside together but I am noticing the things I heard on the first dates about having processed trauma are not showing up in action. Our arguments are becoming more and more frequent.

We date to assess compatibility.  Shared interests are great but the ability to communicate well is even more important. 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, spontaneouspassanger said:

defensiveness whenever I bring something up--she will say that it's on me or try to explain how my feelings are not right or wrong. I explained it the beginning of the relationship that understanding is very important to me. When she starts to explain how my feelings are wrong, I have told her it does not sound like she is trying to understand me, but defend herself.

 If she's going on the defensive, it's because she feels attacked.   Can you give a couple of examples of problems and how you opened the discussion?    Perhaps there are answers in finding a different approach

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, spontaneouspassanger said:

Our arguments are becoming more and more frequent.

This should not be happening in a relationship of only FOUR months.  This is a sign that this relationship isn't working and this will only get worse.  She sounds very immature.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, spontaneouspassanger said:

I still think that could have been the case but she is proving me wrong I think. 

She is manufacturing conflict and making you responsible for her happiness. 

She certainly has not resolved her own issues to the extent that she needs to. This isn't just down to communication differences. This seems to be someone who has attached all her value to how much attention she gets from a partner.

[smackie9]

People are their best behaviour when first dating...but things are now unravelling. It's not a communication issue...she has a mental issue. She causes unnecessary drama to get attention. She wants you to apologize, grovel and practically stand on your head to focus on her and making her happy. Dude run for the hills. there is no fixing this. She is being cray cray.